The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Is This Piece of Work Worth It?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Okay, so I’ve been involved with this guy for nearly three years now, and it’s been eventful to say the least. I met him through school, and we were two years apart, which back then put a hamper on the relationship as something more than just friendship. He joined the military, and at first we were still “just friends”, but then he suddenly started talking serious relationship stuff. At first I didn’t buy as much into it, as much as I’d wanted to. Long story short, I bought it, though, and right when I thought it was going to happen, he told me about his deployment, and I didn’t hear from him for awhile.

A few months after that, and no contact, a mutual friend of ours told me about his new girlfriend, and how happy he was, which blindsided me, and I completely removed him from my life. I never did quite get over him, so when about two months ago he started talking to me again, it was the same story: as much as I wanted to, I wouldn’t let myself get into him, which, once again, proved to be an epic fail.

Again, he started with the heavy relationship subject, and then told me he wanted to come and see me. This time around, I asked him about the past girlfriend, which turned into a gf and then a fiancée, but the relationship had ended, and recently at that. He gave me a whole schtick about wanting to take things slowly, but on our first evening out, sexual tension got the best of us, and we were at it. And then it got weird. Where he’d try to talk to me on skype, over the phone or through text, I got nil. His phone was shut off for some complicated reason, which turned out to be true. Well, we went out again, went at it, again, and what should happen but very little contact. We had talked some, but it was a little awkward, to say the least. Furthermore, the serious relationship talk has come to nearly a complete halt. He’s still in town, but has made no moves to come see me. I’ve gotten to where I think I’m just a HPOA, but I’d like a second opinion before I decide to just end this before it gets to be way too much
for me. I already feel like I’ve been dragged through the mud once, I just don’t want my feelings for him to allow it to happen again. ~Tired of being Ophelia to his Hamlet~

Dear Ophelia: The Bitter Single Guy thinks what you think. Step away from this trap before you’re too wrapped up in it to see what’s happening. In case you missed it, the BSG will tell you what’s going on.

You and Military Man have that scary combination of friendly history and mutual attraction. This is a scary combination because it’s all the fun of being taken for granted  while still being someone who gets his hackles up (in that good way).

The BSG knows how this evolved: Military Man was going off to Scary War and wanted to set an anchor to which he could return. That was you. It’s not so much that he didn’t intend to return to you, but you were the anchor, not the ship he meant to sail into the future (pretty awesomely visual of the BSG, yes?).

But then Military Man met the gf and was planning to pick up the anchor since he didn’t need it. His gf then fiancée didn’t work out, but hey look! Here’s this handy anchor I set all that time ago. Now cut to your re-introduction and the rekindling of your attraction and you have your current situation. The BSG will admit that he had to look up HPOA because sometimes he’s dense that way, but after looking it up, the BSG thinks that you’re much more a FWB than a HPOA…that’s the comfy familiarity that the BSG mentioned.

Short answer Ophelia, is that this isn’t going to work out and Military Man is going to treat you like a great friend with whom he sometimes hooks up. The BSG recommends not taking on that role he’s cast you in unless you really want the part. ~BSG~

The BSG Isn’t Gone

Faithful Readers, the BSG apologizes for his long absence here…it’s been a summer of travel and general busy-ness for the BSG and his column has languished here.  Today the BSG begins his work again for you, his Faithful Readers. Happy summer (what’s left of it).

BSG

Boyfriend Brutally Dumped

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I feel awful as I just broke up with my boyfriend of 3 months because he could only see me rarely and didn’t stay in touch in the in-between times. We are both going our separate ways overseas next year, but for now, I think if you don’t let someone know you’re thinking of them a few times a week, you don’t have a relationship, right?

We have great conversations, shared hobbies and creative ideas, and great sex. He is a spunky guy, but also gets very sad (depressed). I was going with the flow and so happy – one time he got really low and asked me to ignore him for a while, but I hugged him instead, then gave him an ultimatum and he said he wanted to be with me so he would get help and let himself be vulnerable with me, that was a big thing for him. He told me 2 weeks ago: “I don’t want to scare you, but it would be nice to do more relationship stuff, eat together more”. I told him “are you kidding?” and was even happier. He told me that he told his mom (overseas) about me, that we were finally together as we’ve been friends for 2 years but always with other people. I am a fairly independent girl but I was getting very comfortable in the relationship, and recently he also started introducing me as his partner to his friends. The problems…he is sometimes emotionally cold (related to depression) and recently can’t find time to spend with me because of work. I am an affectionate girl, and believe the person you’re with should make you feel even better about yourself by expressing how much they like you. I do. He doesn’t very much.

After he flaked out on a date but still wanted me to drive up to his house to hang out in the evening, I told him it might be better just being friends. He got angry, said he was trying, then dropped the rather thoughtless quote “well I think we both know we’re not the love of each others’ lives” which cut me deep. But he said he was happy being with me, and I was too…now I have ruined it.

I asked him if that meant he just saw me mainly as a sex buddy, and he said he thought we were getting closer and he wanted to bond more on an emotional level, but he guessed we wouldn’t now. But how does that fit with not making time to see someone, as he didn’t? Or saying anything sweet?

Am I demanding? He asked me if we could talk as he’d said stupid stuff the day after our break-up, but when I went to his house as he was feeling sick, no talk, and he seemed very quiet, he said he wasn’t happy about not being with me. I should just leave it be and find someone more attentive, or what?

I don’t just want to be strung along for sex by someone, if that’s all he wants.

Since we are both leaving next year should I just give it a second shot or move on? ~ Worried I was too brutal ~

Dear WTB: The Bitter Single Guy got hooked on one detail of your story: This has been going on for three months. WTB, it’s appropriate and important to pay attention to all these details:

Yes, it’s appropriate to feel emotionally supported by the person you’re romantically involved with. Be careful about deciding that the right number is several times a week because while that may be true for you, it may be too frequent for him. The BSG says that because you may some day find yourself with someone who thinks that several times a day is the right number and you’ll feel smothered.

The BSG wants to sternly shake his finger at your Doubtful Dandy for the “love of each others’ lives” comment. In the BSG’s opinion, this is the one that could kill an otherwise delightful relationship. But with his history and his effort to (apparently) swim upstream against depression to be with you, the BSG recommends letting that one go for now.

WTB, the BSG could go on, but mostly he comes back to the “three months” point. The BSG doesn’t think that’s enough time to decide that this is the wrong relationship. And here’s the big one: you’re going to be separated by oceans someday soon and maybe you’re not the loves of each others’ lives, but unless you’ve got a whole ticking-biological-clock thing going on, the BSG wonders why you wouldn’t want to spent some time in a relationship that makes you happy even if it’s not a forever-after kind of thing? The BSG says give him another chance. ~BSG~

Dating When You’re Broke

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Hi, how are you?

I have a dilemma which is I went through a MAJOR financial crisis in 2008 where I lost it all and it’s been damaging my confidence with the opposite sex. I go out with them the 1st time and they have a great time, but I feel that when I tell them “I don’t have a car” they tend to run away. I used to be the kind of guy that all I wanted was to figure out a way to get laid and was attracting those women all the time, but now I would like to settle down. My financial situation is turning around slowly. I do attract the type of women I’m looking for but I know my finances are the only thing that’s affecting my confidence to pursue them long-term.

I’m just confused, hurt, disappointed and optimistic (yes, all at the same time) ~Pockets Are Empty~

Dear PAE: The Bitter Single Guy is just fine, thanks for asking! Also, he has had the unenviable experience of starting over financially a couple of times and he can understand how it’s simultaneously humbling and empowering.

PAE, the BSG thinks you just need to figure out what your worth is in the absence of money and a car (and the other trappings of your former life). The BSG knows that this sounds really easy when he says it in one little sentence, but he also knows that there are people whose quest to figure this out will be interrupted by dying of old age.  Which is to say: yeah, it can take the rest of your life, but why not start now?

The key here is that you don’t indicate that these women you’re meeting are somehow turned off by your new financial status…you seem clear that the hang-up is yours. The BSG thinks this is an excellent place to start redefining the you who has fewer material albatrosses hanging about your neck (the BSG is particularly proud of that metaphor, but isn’t sure what the plural of albatross is.  Albatrosses? Albatrossi?). By the way, the BSG wonders if you’ve explored all the non-revenue-requiring date options in your town? The BSG himself is a fan of outdoor art, picnics at parks, and “free” day at museums (Thursdays in the BSG’s city). With a modicum of creativity, you can wow the most discerning of damsels, PAE.

Here’s a question, though: The BSG wonders if you’re still in pursuit of the women who were formerly impressed (or at least required) material things like cars? If so, the BSG recommends pursuing some artists. To the BSG’s experience, artists are often insightful, intelligent and – due to their commitment to their art – often accustomed to fewer albatrosses. ~BSG~

My Boyfriend Doesn’t Love Me Anymore

Dear Bitter Single Guy: My boyfriend and I are on a break. I told him I had financial problems and although he is not helping me with those (obviously) we still managed to get into this huge fight and he’s still mad at me and won’t talk to me.

I don’t know what to do or what to say to him, I think he’s not attracted to me anymore (he doesn’t even miss me). He is probably thinking of seeing other people, I know our relationship is going down the drain. What should I do? it’s very hard for us to have quality time together and I think he might stop loving me. Any tips? ~Paddling a Sinking Boat~

Dear PSB: To the Bitter Single Guy it sounds as if you’re working really hard to keep this relationship afloat despite some evidence that your boyfriend may be done. It’s possible that he is using your financial problems to create conflict between you because it’s easier to end a relationship sometimes when there is a bunch of conflict.

PSB, the BSG thinks that sometimes relationships end even when everyone does what they’re supposed to do. If you suspect your boyfriend doesn’t love you anymore, then there’s probably a good chance that he doesn’t and that your relationship is coming to an end.

The BSG recommends getting ready for your break to be permanent. Maybe if you stop working so much to keep everything working, your boyfriend will realize that he wants to actually BE your boyfriend and will come back asking to get back together. But the BSG (and you) think that your relationship is just winding down and rather than letting it end quietly, there is some drama cropping up. Don’t buy into the drama…let it go if it’s time. ~BSG~