The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Friends With Benefits or Just Friends?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: So let’s just get straight to it. I was in a show with a guy a year ago and I was definitely attracted to him (he’s 15 years older than me, hold onto that) and we saw each other every day because of being in the show together. The show ended and we started hanging out occasionally at other shows, concerts, etc.

Then New Years came around and we went to a mutual friends’ party. We ended up making out in the rain (should sound romantic but actually it was freezing) after the party and that was the first time I had gotten the impression that he might “like me”.

However, the next day he sent me a bunch of text messages saying he wasn’t ready for a relationship and that he & his GF of 3 years had just broken up 6 months earlier and he was still dealing with that. And I was like “hold up, we are not talking about this via text can I come over?” So I did. We ended up talking for a few hours; I explained that while I liked him I hardly knew him so dating him immediately was not even on my radar. We talked about his past experience, I assured him that I was not entering “Now you have to date me because we made out” ground and things were fine. We then spent a significant amount of time making out until 1 am.

Since then we spent the next six months hanging out occasionally (several times a month) and every time we’d see each other he’d kiss me goodnight. We’d have fun with his friends, or mine. Something that always bugged me is I would always make it a point to go to his shows or concerts, all of them, and he’s never made it to any of mine and I’ve been in a lot since we first met! When we weren’t hanging out he didn’t text, call, etc. But when we hung out he was so talkative, always asking about all the things he’d missed, etc. So this was going off and on up until late summer where he came to my birthday party. He hung out with all my friends, brought me a birthday gift, kissed me goodnight. Seemed like we were exactly where we were a year earlier. But oh well.

Then from that day to now we’ve seen each other just a handful of times, I’ve still gone to his shows with my friends and he’s still yet to come to any of mine promising he’d “come to the next one!”. The times I’ve seen him since he hasn’t kissed me or anything…but things are really fun with his friends whom I adore and he has a great time with mine.

I guess…what am I doing? Immediately we were in a place where I thought, we’re going to get to know each other and re-evaluate from there…but now over a year has passed and nothing’s changed. I also just learned that last February (not last month but a year ago) he asked out a girl at a concert of his that I was at (she shot him down). I just found this out last week–that concert, I WAS AT, and he kissed me goodnight AND that was only a month after our New Years make out/talk.

I really like his friends, I like his concerts, I like hanging out with him…but do I just forget all the other stuff that happened? Do I try to talk about it? What do you think? ~Shamelessly Hanging On~

Dear SHO: The Bitter Single Guy knows how mixed messages can get you to thinking things are going one way when they’re actually going another. The BSG thinks that Reluctant Randy is unwilling or unable to step up and tell you whether he wants to date you or not. And gracious SHO, why should he have to? Here he has this attractive young woman who shows up to see him, spend time with he and his friends, and with whom he gets to make out every now and then. In the meantime he’s free to pursue whatever love interest he’s ACTUALLY interested in.

SHO, the BSG hates to tell you but you’re a bit of a doormat here. Don’t let Reluctant Randy’s inability and insecurities step all over you anymore. Make other plans, ask someone else out, don’t go hang out with his friends. It won’t seem like a breakup because it probably never felt like a relationship; but the BSG is pretty sure that you thought of it that way. For that reason, you’ll find yourself missing his friends…your friends may ask about Reluctant Randy…all the things that would normally go with a breakup. Wrap it up and spend some time with someone willing to spent real time with you, not just opportunistic make-out time. ~BSG~

Dapper Daddy Puts His Kid First

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I really love all the advice you give and it seems to be on point!  I was hoping you could give me some advice about a guy friend of mine who I really like (and he said he likes me too). The problem is he has a little boy and every relationship he has had has turned out to be a disaster because his little boy is his first priority. He said he can’t date me because he doesn’t want to disappoint me, and we can be friends only. I feel like we have a lot in common, have fun together and chemistry, (although nothing beyond kissing). Is there any hope for us? Should I just completely avoid seeing him to get over it, or should I pursue more and spend more time with him and his son?  Thanks in advance! ~Ready To Jump~

Dear RTJ: The Bitter Single Guy thinks you should step away from this one. While the BSG absolutely believes that the burden of single-parenthood can be overwhelming, there are tons of single parents who also manage to have romantic relationships. To be clear; this Dapper Daddy doesn’t have a string of failed relationships because his son is his first priority. He has a string of failed relationships because he doesn’t yet know how to balance a romantic relationship with his childrearing responsibilities. In his defense, perhaps he won’t be ready to date until the boy is much older, but how many years of crap are you willing to put up with while you wait?

If you walked into a hardware store to buy a hammer and the sales guy told you that this hammer broke in half for every other person who bought it, would you be willing to see if maybe YOU’RE the right hammer customer, or would you keep shopping? Nope, the BSG says step away. ~BSG~

Relationship Imperfection

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I love my boyfriend of a couple months, but he has broken up with me once because of his issues (he struggles with perfectionism, anxiety, depression), but now says he made a mistake and is working hard on his issues (although he has been working on them for a long time).

We truly care for each other, have fun together, and are attracted to each other, and in terms of physical intimacy, we don’t have intercourse, but foreplay (I haven’t been ready for intercourse). But I’m afraid he will never be able to ease up on himself and become less anxious and raise his self-esteem. I want to see how things go and grow together (or see if this happens…I have some of my own self-esteem issues I’m working on), but I have this feeling that I should date others to see what’s out there (I’m 29 but inexperienced with dating and relationships) because I may reducing my chances of finding a right fit for me by being exclusive with my boyfriend.

But I truly care for him, just I know that he needs to make some changes to be able to be a good fit for me and possibly a good father in the future for my children. I feel since I started dating late, I don’t have a lot of time to find the right person for me to have a nice relationship with and eventually start a family. Any thoughts?! Thank you so much. ~Afraid of the Long Haul~

Dear ALH: The Bitter Single Guy thinks that you’re asking what to do about your doubts about your boyfriend. You’ve broken up due to his issues (isn’t that always the way?), but appear to be getting back together (or are already back together).

In the meantime, it appears that you fear that your relative inexperience dating means that you’re missing out on an even better boyfriend (and possible co-producer of babies). ALH, this is a common relationship problem.

Imagine with the BSG that you’re at a restaurant…maybe just for lunch; nothing fancy. At this restaurant, there are many wonderful sandwiches and salads on the menu. There is a turkey club with bacon, a chicken salad, there’s even a BBQ sandwich that appeals to your slightly naughty side. Any of these will ease your hunger, but even while you take a bite into that smoky BBQ, the BSG is pretty sure that you’ll wonder if the turkey club would have been better.

The BSG’s point here is that there are ALWAYS other choices for relationships and there is not likely to be a sign that your current relationship is dramatically better than all the other choices; especially at first.

The BSG recommends, since you’re just a couple of months in, hanging in there to see where this relationship goes. It’s totally normal to be thinking about the babies you’ll be having, but the BSG recommends curbing your baby-focused behavior slightly while you determine whether this relationship will turn out.

It’s also possible that you’ll date your current boyfriend for awhile, then  someone else for awhile, then someone else for awhile (lather, rinse, repeat) until you find someone you want to make babies with.

~BSG~

The Had Cake

Dear Bitter Single Guy: My boyfriend and I have been together for over 3 years. We live together…we pay bills together. It…was… pretty serious.

But my boyfriend likes to take what he calls, “breaks”…which are not breaking up…but they mean that he, “needs his space” and to “find himself”. I am tired of breaks. We have been together this long, and we are now going through our…THIRD break.

These magical periods usually consist of him telling me to leave him alone… me getting upset and wanting to talk… Him telling me that it does no good to talk…and then…the arguing happens.

I’m tired of arguing. I’m tired of being told that I’m stupid and clingy. I’m tired of not having sex… ( sorry if it’s tmi) I’m tired of feeling alone.

The only conclusion that I have come to is to try to shut my mouth and walk away when we argue. I am a fixer, and it’s really hard for me to let go of something when I know it can be resolved. But I can’t help thinking that walking away while he yells at me and slams the door in my face makes me what he wants me to be…a doormat. I don’t want to be a doormat anymore. I have spent my entire life getting trampled over, and I’m sick of it.

My friends have all told me to leave. I’m still here. I have been trying to go out and be independent and trying to have fun. But when I stay out too late…or stay over at a friend’s…he gets angry and suspicious. Which…I know is stupid because he tells me not to sit at home up his ass…so I go out. I don’t necessarily like going out because I’m the type of girl that would rather sit at home with her dogs and play halo. Lol. I’m not a big socialite.

But I do know the smell of bullshit. I know he expects me to give him space, be independent, go out, shut up, and give him time. But he doesn’t do those things for me. When he goes over to hang with his friends and either shows up late or doesn’t show up at all…I can’t say anything. If I do he freaks out. When he gets mad at me he blows up in my face and doesn’t let me say a word. When I go to a place and a guy happens to be there ( of no interest to me ever) he gets jealous and possessive.

I don’t like cake eaters…especially one that I’ve been with for this long. Someone that…when we’re not on a break tells me he wants to marry me and have kids with me. Who helps me…takes up for me…makes me laugh…and loves me.

Like I said, BSG, I have gone through thus enough times to know that the break thing never goes as planned. So…what should I do? Should I leave? Stay with it? Or just wait it out? Please help!!! I love this person more than my own life. I don’t know what to do. ~I’m Not Cake~

Dear INC: The Bitter Single Guy knows you wrote once before and he’s sorry he can’t get to all the letters that come to him, but he appreciates you coming back.

INC, the BSG doesn’t understand why you’re in this relationship still. Let’s break it down:

• You’re tired of “breaks” from the relationship when your boyfriend needs space
• You’re tired of no sex (not too much info, INC…it’s an important part of relationship health)
• You’re tired of arguing
• You’re tired of being told that you’re stupid and clingy
• You’re tired of feeling alone

Sounds exhausting frankly. The BSG thinks you should dump Willy Waffler and reclaim some self esteem. ~BSG~

Advice for a New Relationship

Sometimes, the BSG thinks we all need a reminder. If you’re in a new relationship (or hoping to be soon), the BSG wants you to remember the following:

Your new relationship is a tiny baby bird and sometimes even the most loved baby birds…well…don’t make it, despite the best intentions of virtuous people.

But while this baby bird figures out whether it’s going to get out of the nest, there is a balance between holding it lovingly and protectively, and picking it up and scrutinizing every little feather. Baby birds don’t survive scrutiny very well. But they ARE fluffly and cuddly and you should occasionally hold it up to your cheek just to feel it flutter.
~BSG~