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Relationship Gone Stale

February 1st, 2008 | No Comments | Posted in Stay Or Go?

Hi BitterSingleGuy,
DISCLAMER: this is an extravagently long message. the sender of said message apologizes for its obscene length! (The BSG will let it go this time because your tale is written so festively)

I’m sure you’ve heard this one before: I’ve been dating Jack for almost a year and at first things were great.  I attend university in New York City and met Jack, a graduate of a neighboring school at a mutual friend’s party.  He was so perfect- sweet, charming, very polite, incredibly intelligent… the works!  Jack is very handsome- but a little short.  I am a model as well as student and am 6 feet tall.  He’s… lets just say… its Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes all over again.  I’ve never mentioned anything about the heighth issue because, quite frankly, it doesn’t bother me.  He’s cute, well endowed and is very successful in his job. 

I recently left for Spain this summer for one month for work.  The Long-Distance put a major strain on our relationship.  We spoke everyday but Jack complained that we didn’t have “meaningful” conversations… that and we didn’t have phone sex.  *kinda grosses me out* I think my disgust at the idea of phone sex was taken as a rejection of his manhood or lord knows… regardless… we’ve been experiencing lack of romance, sex, dates, the whole bit ever since.  I was faithful to Jack, no matter how many times I reassured him. 

His job (as a commodities trader) has come to a standstill.  He no longer makes as much money as he did when we first met.  I don’t care.  We have stopped going on dates… but I enjoy hanging out in the apartment, making dinner, watching a movie.  I think his pride is hurt. 

He’s also been drinking alot more recently.  And when I say a lot, I mean a lot.

Also, recently, I signed a major five year contract with a makeup company and jack barely took notice.  It’s not that I wanted him to fawn all over me  but he barely even congratulated me when I booked the job.  He almost seemed jealous.  Or threatened.  Or, I haven’t any idea.  It’s not like we even work in the same industry.  The only thing he did seem to care about was the fact that I was required by my contract to chop off a foot and a half of my hair (I now have a cute lil bob). 

That’s when our sex life died.

So I suppose, my dear, the reason I am writing… is to wonder…

Is it worth pursuing this relationship?  Why did it break?  How can I avoid breaking future relationships?  How does one properly interact in a longdistance relationship?  And the big one: did he cheat?  Is there anyway to tell?

He blames stresses of his job and my lack of “meaningful” communication during the summer for our stagant relationship.

Dear RGS: There is SO much the Bitter Single Guy has to work with here!  First though, the BSG is sad for the state of your previously wonderful relationship and you’re right; he’s seen this before (although perhaps not in such delicious detail).

Rather than muck around in the details (yet), the BSG will get right to your questions:

  1. Is this relationship worth pursuing? Probably, although it will likely take much patience and time while your Diminutive Darling rebuilds his self-esteem.
  2. Why did it break? The BSG believes that the loss of his prestige (meaning money) in his job is probably a main contributor, although momentarily the BSG will identify another potential problem. The male ego is a fragile thing (The BSG knows that some of his fellow dudes can’t believe he’s sharing this secret, but folks need to know). From your letter, it appears that you are one of those interesting relationships that are an attractiveness mis-match.  You, in typical girlish fashion…pun on your job intended <snicker>…don’t notice that he’s not as hot as you.  He, in typical dude fashion knows that he has to somehow measure up and the only visible contributor there is his high profile job (the BSG has heard that those trader-types are all about the ego, but figures that’s only so long as things are going well.)
  3. How can you avoid breaking future relationships? The BSG doesn’t buy into the premise that YOU broke this one. You and Diminutive Darling broke it together. There is no way to avoid breaking relationships.  You, like the rest of us, will break them over and over until you’re either living alone with 13 cats, or until you’re dead (the BSG is a ray of sunshine, he knows).
  4. How does one properly interact in a long distance relationship? With patience and understanding. Phone sex works for some (or email sex or IM sex, whatever), but certainly regular phone calls seem necessary. Basically, the BSG believes that a long distance relationship is an exercise in waiting for the relationship to become short-distance. The BSG also has to say here that a month isn’t really a long distance relationship, it’s an inconvenience. If Diminutive Darling blames you being gone for a month (coupled with a lack of meaningful conversation…who is he, Dr. Phil?) the BSG believes he’s grasping at straws. More momentarily (twice now the BSG has teased you with that).
  5. Did he cheat? Is there any way to tell? The BSG has to ask when cheating came into play here? If, as seems apparent, your relationship went stagnant, it’s certainly possible that he could have cheated. There is, however, no sure-fire way to tell.
  6. This is not a question you asked, but the BSG thinks maybe you should have. The BSG mentions the frail male ego and here’s where the ugliness of that reality comes true. If, as you describe, you are a tall model and he is a short commodities trader, it’s likely that he believes that he’s dating outside his abilities and if it were not for his high-paying job he would not be able to land a babe like you (Yes, this is silly. No, it’s not your fault).

RGS, the BSG thinks there is some likelihood that your Diminutive Darling has gone out with you simply because he could.  Meanwhile he’s thinking of all the school bullies who teased him to whom he’d like to send your picture. Time passes and he realizes that his attraction to you wasn’t your sense of humor, your intelligence, your quirky habit of wearing bunny slippers on Sundays, but in fact that his attraction to you was exclusively physical.  Then, in the vague possibility the BSG is exploring here, he realized after awhile that (the BSG will shamelessly use cliche here) beauty is only skin deep.

But at this point, your Diminutive Darling probably had no idea what to do!  The short Commodities Trader can’t DUMP the hot model how would he explain that to the bullies? So instead he’s letting something ridiculously whiny like a lack of meaningful conversation for a month ruin your relationship. Sheesh…men (brothers, the BSG is sorry).

RGS, the BSG assures you that this is not a model dynamic only.  Guys regularly connect with beauty before brains because it’s how we’re hard-wired. Then, when thing stagnate, we don’t always know what to do.

The BSG thinks you should own what’s yours here (not much from your letter) and let your Diminutive Darling own what’s his. If he’s not man enough to actually break up with you, the BSG says you give him 30 days to say something meaningful and if he can’t, get out.

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