Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have been dating my sweetie for 2 years now and have avoided “The Chat”. My last relationship went down hill after we had The Chat. I later realized that was for the better. The first year my sweetie and I were together he said he just wanted to “enjoy life right now”. So we have been just living life and enjoying being with each other. He owns his own condo and he decided it is too small to co-habitate there. Personally, I agree. He would resent my stuff. We would have to buy a new place, where we could combine our stuff. But, I am a girl and want a more permanent relationship. What are your thoughts on the infamous chat after 2 years? How do I bring it up? Should I just wait for him to bring it up? Thanks for your help. I am glad I found somewhere that has a Bitter Single Guy point of view. ~Feeling Chatty~
Dear FC: The Bitter Single Guy cringed openly when he read your letter. The BSG assumes by “The Chat” you mean marriage, or at least living together, yes? (the BSG supposes that there are other Chats that include real estate decision-making, but he can’t think of any right now). It’s not that the BSG fears commitment exactly, it’s just that the living-together-marriage-thang has so much extra baggage besides ‘happily ever after’. What about tuna salad, FC, huh? What about THAT? (The BSG has just now realized that he hasn’t written his tuna salad rant yet, although it’s been in his head for some time. Coming soon)
It is with a heavy heart and deep empathy for your Sweetie, that the BSG provides this advice. FC if the measure of a successful relationship for YOU is one that ends in marriage (the BSG uses the word “ends” deliberately), then you need to have The Chat. Because you wrote to the BSG, he assumes this is becoming more of a concern for you now that the magic two-year mark has been passed. Here is the BSG’s recommendation, though. Rather than stating your expectations and having your then-suddenly-freaked-0ut Sweetie respond to your demands, take a more delicate route.
Ask your Sweetie what his thoughts are about marriage or living together in general. Finding out his thoughts on the topic will tip your hand, but won’t (hopefully) send him scurrying like a scared bunny. But you know what the BSG is going to tell you now…if you need marriage or co-habitation and your Sweetie doesn’t, then you’re doomed.
But the BSG wouldn’t be who he was if he didn’t offer this one additional point, FC. When is the last time you re-defined your own definition of a successful relationship? Is co-habitation or marriage really required? Is it about babies? Is it about parental or societal pressure? The BSG challenges you to think critically about your own motivations and if it’s simply “this is what’s supposed to happen” then the BSG recommends you find someone else who believes that the only path to happiness is a shared refrigerator.
Good luck to you and your Sweetie.