The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Dating (and Dumping) Mr. LackLuster

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Ugh–where do I begin? I desperately need advice! I’ve been dating my IT Engineer boyfriend for about 10 months now and we hit it off so well in the beginning. We’ve been through a lot as a couple (my parents divorce after 27 yrs of marriage, my mom re-marrying super fast, his friend dying from cancer, his issues with me drinking, etc) and over the last two months–our relationship has flopped. He stopped wanting sex about 4 months into the relationship, I’ve tried to pursue it in every way (seducing, dirty movies, dirty talking, toys, etc) and he simply explains it as ‘just who he is’ He claims he wasn’t very intimate with his ex-wife either and that he’s simply not that type of man. He also says work is incredibly stressful but he ‘refuses to bring it home’ Any time I try to talk to him about the issue he gets 100% defensive and asks how I think he feels on the issue. He refuses to go to the doctor, for us to go talk to a counselor, etc. I feel rejected every day by him and on top of that–it’s hurtful to have your partner not want to touch you or be intimate with you. I’m a solid communicator, as many women are, and I have expressed several times that although I know he is not an affectionate person–I am the other person in the relationship and I need more affection than he’s giving. He also does not like if I drink (glass of wine with dinner at home, etc) and tries to make it out to be some alcoholic problem (I’m 22 and I drink maybe once a month). I was informed that his ex-wife used to go out without him and get wasted.  Also–he has no problem going fishing at 4:30am every weekend with his boss and doing other classic ‘man’ things, but he can’t plan things with me.

Two months ago he told family members he was planning on proposing–now he’s ‘just not ready’ and ‘changed his mind’. So here are my questions:
1. Does his lack of sex drive have anything to do with me and how can I get it back without feeling rejected always?
2. Is he punishing me for things his ex-wife did to him (the drinking issue) and how do I go about handling that situation without just putting him on the defense?
3. Why did we suddenly have a huge change in the last 2 months and why did he change his mind on marrying me suddenly? He told me a while back I “pushed him away’ when he tried to get close and after that it’s ruined things. Could that be true?
4. Is this relationship worth keeping if there is no affection in it whatsoever and he is clearly showing he isn’t sure what he wants anymore?

Please advise. I need to know if it’s just over and I should just walk away. Thanks.

~Nowhere Else to Turn~

Dear NET: The Bitter Single Guy feels your pain and appreciates your ability to provide great context, but also to summarize your concerns in a handy numbered list.  Here’s the BSG’s response:

1. Does his lack of sex drive have anything to do with me and how can I get it back without feeling rejected always? Of course it’s possible that his lack of sex drive has something to do with you…sexual attraction is chemical and psychological and generally inexplicable and his lack of sex drive could definitely be related to a lack of sexual attraction to you.  However, there is nothing you can do about it (given what you say you’ve already done to spice things up).  Mr. LackLuster will need to work on this himself.  The BSG will say that you definitely don’t have to settle for an intimacy-free relationship unless that’s what you want (in which case, the BSG recommends a cat).
2. Is he punishing me for things his ex-wife did to him (the drinking issue) and how do I go about handling that situation without just putting him on the defense? Of course he’s punishing you for things his ex-wife did.  We are all constantly punishing our current dates for the failures of our previous dates, except maybe for truly enlightened souls like the Dalai Lama (does he date?). The BSG is of the belief that if we believe ourselves treated badly in a relationship, the most common way to exorcise that demon is to similarly treat someone else badly.  Not very enlightened, but pretty common. Mr. LackLuster has a right to require a dedicated non-drinker, but you also have the right to be a lush if you want (the BSG sees that you report light lush-age at best, he only says it this way to illustrate his point).
3. Why did we suddenly have a huge change in the last 2 months and why did he change his mind on marrying me suddenly? He told me a while back I “pushed him away’ when he tried to get close and after that it’s ruined things. Could that be true? Of course it could be true that he believes he pushed you away and that’s ruined things for him. It could also be true that if he blames you for the downfall of your relationship, then he doesn’t have to hold himself accountable. The BSG believes the truth is likely somewhere in the middle and that you and Mr. LackLuster both have responsibility for the fade-out of your relationship.
4. Is this relationship worth keeping if there is no affection in it whatsoever and he is clearly showing he isn’t sure what he wants anymore? In a word: No.  Get out, NET. It doesn’t seem like Mr. LackLuster is interested in going forward and doesn’t seem like he’s willing to take the appropriate next step to cut the cord…so it’s up to you.

(Almost) 40 Year Old Virgin

Note: The BSG couldn’t bring himself to edit this very long letter…there’s too much going on here.  Enjoy! 

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I was once a nice sweet guy, great sense of humor, a tad weird, and a self proclaimed romantic, I am 39 now, never had a true relationship, only had one woman in my life I ever truly loved.
I lived in Massachusetts all my life. And over the years in my search for the love of my life, I have found that from the time of birth, women have been told that men are pigs, scum, and jerks.ect. On the other hand…women are supposed to be the sweetest things, sensitive and caring, affectionate creatures.
I tried many tactics to entice a woman’s attention, from personal ads, dating services, bars, dance clubs, book stores, supermarkets, you name it, I been there. Even on the train, on the street. One thing has never changed: SNOBBY women!
No matter where I been, the plan was simple…SMILE! And say “hello.” In almost EVERY ENCOUNTER the result was…she either (1) she completely ignored me, turned her head in the opposite direction than me, (2) she makes a sigh or a grunt in response, (3) or she gives a look that could most likely mean “how dare I say “hello” to her!
Now I have been told I am negative, but how does me being negative EXCUSE these rude women of Massachusetts?!
Another example you ask?
I was at a news stand and I noticed a cute lady reading a woman’s magazine…I noticed the article she was reading was entitled: “how to attract today’s man” so I worked up my courage and said “hi there.” She looked and me with blank eyes and went back to her magazine!
How about this one, I had to one day put change in parking meter 3 cute ladies walked towards me. did I say a form of greeting?…you bet “hello” I said…one gal grunted. And all 3 kept walking. And I’ll bet you money they were out for drinks later and someone had to have complained, “I just can’t seem to find any nice men!” ahh if only she had said “hi!”
I think you get the picture of what I have had to deal with in the past several years in my search for female companionship! You cannot honestly say it’s all in my mind.
Now we have dating services out there ready to help…themselves all geared to help ONLY women…women get to call phone chat lines for free…while men have to pay anywhere from $1.99 and up a minute. We have bars that offer “ladies night”, we have dating clubs that women can join, no fees, and no obligations. While men have to come up with $2000+ in some cases!
Now for some reason…some women are still complaining there is no equality among the sexes! This much is true…men are getting railroaded, ripped off in the dating game big time!
Of course you may argue, “Not all women are like this…you’re stereotyping all women on the acts of a hand full” ok, I grant you that I only been single all my life and been looking for love forever 12 years.
You’re right…some women are not that rude. Some women know that playing hard to get is a big mistake because they would be alone forever if they were that rude…they may know deep down they have to offer what they can. I been told I should LOWER my standards and look into dating these women, and so I did!
Now mind you, as I lowered my standards, my goal became simple, find a woman I can ENJOY being with! Not too hard right?
Let me see if I can remember the women I met. Obese, bi-sexual looking to experiment, freaks with glow in the dark hair, body piercing and excessive tattoos, one gal wanted kids MORE than a relationship, women who are more concerned with popularity than taking care of their friends who need them, one woman confessed before we met…on the phone that she had herpes. Ok that’s enough. I want to be able to go to sleep tonight!
I just start laughing when women I don’t like start trying to give me guilt trip “maybe you should lower your standards” or ” you shouldn’t be so picky.” As if I had NO RIGHT to be happy!
Now, for the record, am I bitter, yes, am I angry, no…I am disgusted and disappointed. But I think you can see I have just reasons.
As with all problems, before the solution can be found, there must be AWARENESS of the problem. I pray someone out there has been listening, it would be a crime to the word if the problem got worse, there is no place anymore for women who play hard to get. When shy men are afraid to say “hello” or risk being accused of sexual harassment. Where women only talk to arrogant men and ignore the awkward guy in the corner. There are good men out there ladies, you just refuse to look and listen! ~Can’t Stop Ranting~

Dear CSR: Whew! The Bitter Single Guy and all his readers are appreciative of your candid view of the fairer sex.  The BSG would be remiss if he didn’t offer some suggestions, however.  He won’t presume to know more than your nearly 40 years of experience have taught you, but some things leapt out.

Good for you for taking the pursuit of love by the proverbial horns and approaching women in all those different situations! The BSG knows however, that women (and men for that matter) have, in many areas, become reluctant to talk to strangers on the street, regardless of how harmless they seem.  The BSG points this out only to say that this is likely more of a self-protective technique than a snobbish one. (although there are definitely some snobbish folks out there, too…you know who you are).

The BSG also finds that the best way to attract a mate is to…well…become attractive.  Sometimes this could involve getting exercise and dressing well, but more often than that, involves doing interesting stuff. Take a pottery class, or a cooking class. Learn to grow rare breeds of dill, or volunteer at a food bank.  All of these things develop facets of your personality that make you more interesting and yes…more attractive.

But the BSG is sure that you’ve taken all these paths, CSR.  You seem to have left no stone un-turned, so the BSG will simply hope that love finds you on one of your paths someday.  Good luck. ~BSG~