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Time to Pull The Plug?

September 28th, 2008 | 5 Comments | Posted in Stay Or Go?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: My boyfriend & I have been together 2 years and living together for 8 months. Two months ago he began working part-time & attending university full-time; for this reason, I rarely see him. Also, I have begun to develop a crush on one of my co-workers; it seems like I see my co-worker more often than I see my boyfriend. I feel very guilty saying this because I know my BF is bettering his life. And, I also know that having a “feeling” for someone else is normal & passes with time but I am scared that I am becoming detached emotionally from him because of our lack of intimacy. Also, our sex life has been really suffering as well & that’s been going on for a lot longer. He says that we have to make “sacrifices” in life, but I think that it’s a bit early on in our relationship to be making so many. And, it seems like having a better sex life is a non-issue for him even though we’ve spoken at length about it. On the other hand, I love him very much & I also love his family. Please help! I don’t want to make the wrong decision but I am very confused. Fondly, Feeling Guilty

Dear FFG: The Bitter Single Guy remembers a parable that’s much like your letter. In this parable, a woman takes a small step onto a rock in a stream. She’s safe; the bank is just behind her, but she sees another rock just a tiny step farther into the stream, so she steps there. Eventually, taking small safe steps, the woman finds that she’s in the middle of the stream and isn’t entirely sure how she got there.

The BSG is pointing out here that if you look at each of the tiny points that you make here, they are inconsequential by themselves. Let’s look together shall we? Sex life slows down…not critical, usually fixable. Not seeing much of your BF…a small sacrifice really, and usually fixable. Crush on someone else…this is, as you say, normal and usually passes (crushes don’t survive well in the cold light of reality).

But once you add all these together, a pattern starts to emerge. The BSG believes that you’re emotionally disconnecting from your BF because he’s unavailable and when he is, you’re not connecting in that festive physical way that we all enjoy so much. Naturally, as you start to emotionally disconnect, you’re probably unconsciously looking around for your next conquest…hence the crush.

The BSG realizes he’s reading a lot into your letter and jumping onto his own rocks regarding the conclusions he’s drawing, but here’s the gist. Talk to your BF. DON’T tell him you have a crush. DO tell him that you miss the physical intimacy and that you need a solution (telling you to make sacrifices isn’t a solution, it’s a cop out). Finally, determine how much longer you’re willing to go without a satisfying relationship and if he can’t step up in that time, dump him.

When Blogging Backfires

September 26th, 2008 | No Comments | Posted in I'm A Tool

Dear Bitter Single Guy: OK.  I recently went out with a guy who seemed too good to be true: sweet, charming, cute, and a complete gentleman.  We had a great time watching a movie, cuddling, and just talking about each others’ lives and getting to know each other.  At the end of the night, he drives me back to my car and gives me the most AMAZING good night kiss.

Then, all of a sudden, there’s no communication.  This has happened more than once, so I just brushed it off.  Well, I started to get to know someone who lived about three hours away.  We talked on the phone constantly, shared our days, and seemed to have a great connection.  I drove down to meet him and he was a completely clueless jerk.  He never called back and deleted me from his MySpace. So, having no one to vent to, I do something really really dumb: I write a bulletin calling him a ‘trailer trash slut faced lush’ and then proceeded to write a blog about him and the first guy.

WELL, the first guy took notice and called me on it.  He explained that he had been with his family for the whole week and told me that I confused him.  He said that I seemed whorish for talking to someone else and he saw me as someone he probably didn’t want to be around. I try to communicate with him to tell him my side of the story and try to relay my feelings and understandings, but…well…I’ve yet to hear from him. BSG, what should I do?! Incurably Stupid

Dear IS: Gracious, the Bitter Single Guy hopes he never pisses you off! IS the BSG is unclear on the timeline here. You went out with Cuddly Guy, didn’t hear back from him, so started getting to know someone three hours away, talked all the time on the phone, you drove down to meet him and he was a jerk who never called you back (was he a jerk before he didn’t call you back or is he a jerk because he didn’t call you back? The BSG is assuming that if he was a jerk when you arrived, then you wouldn’t want him to call you back).

So, in your fury, you quickly blogged about the trashy men you’ve been with and Cuddly Guy saw this blog and called you on it. IS, does the BSG correctly read that this all happened IN A WEEK? Sheesh, the BSG hopes he’s misreading that Cuddly Guy was upset because within a week you had dumped him, picked up someone else and dumped him…the BSG thinks he would be upset as well.

IS, you may have spoiled it with Cuddly Guy, but just in case here’s the plan: Go back to your new blog (which Cuddly Guy is obviously paying attention to) and admit to the Internet World that you’re Incurably Stupid and that you got your wires crossed with Cuddly Guy. Spill it all, IS…go through the entire “I can’t believe I’m so stupid” process in glorious 10 pt type so everyone (including Cuddly Guy) can see it. If that doesn’t get his attention nothing will.

And just in case nothing gets his attention, all you can do is prepare for the next time and the BSG’s best advice is to relax, sister. Don’t jump to the conclusion that you’ve been wronged…the truth is that there are VERY few folks out there who actually plan to ruin someone’s day. Sometimes it’s timing or chemistry or something (as with Cuddly Guy) going on that has nothing to do with you. Relaaaax….


Always the Friend, Never the Good Stuff

September 24th, 2008 | No Comments | Posted in Can't Get A Date

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have a huge problem. I always seem to get stuck in the “friend” mode. This like is super frustrating because I can’t get out of it, no matter how well a night goes, I just stay there in the “friend” mode. I have no problem meeting guys, talking to guys, or even becoming the guy’s best friend. I just have a lot of trouble getting past that. I mean I think I send all the right signals and give out all the hints, maybe I’m not, I am just like sooo confused. Like a perfect example was like a few weeks ago, my friends and I went to the beach and like one of my acquaintance/friends was there, he’s like super cute and nice. That night all this crazy stuff happened, getting stuck at the beach in the middle of the night, running away from crazy carnies, and  walking back to the condo which took like an hour. Through this whole fun/crazy ordeal we talk about our beliefs and thoughts, etc. Well after we meet back up with our friends at the condo, everyone was pretty tired, so they went to bed, we for still wide awake, so we watched TV for a bit and then decided to go to sleep. We went to the same room, in a normal fashion, and we end up talking to each other for like 5 hours until seven in the morning, and like nothing happened! Nothing at all! I don’t get it, like seriously. I mean yeah I’m a bit hefty but hell this happens wayyyy to often, and often with some of my closest guy friends. I don’t know what to think anymore. I mean I even asked one of my guy friends for advice and he tells me to ask Mr. Beach Guy out on a date, but for the life of me I can’t bring myself to do it. I mean I really like this guy, but I don’t know if he’s even the slightest bit interested. this hasn’t happened only with him though, it’s happened/happening with my best friend, I mean yea he has a girlfriend I understand and everything I’m not gonna mess that up, but like hell, next year were gonna get an apartment together and everything as “just friends”.  So like yeah. I’m really good a being a guys best bud I mean it’s easy, because we for the most part have the same tastes in music, TV, “bad habits”, like as far as good friends go we are comfortable enough to tell each other almost everything…grrrr…those were just two examples of what constantly happens to me day in and day out. Am I just like extremely unattractive or something? I mean hell I don’t smell or anything. (if I did they would have told me by now, lol) like I said I’m a bit hefty but I’m not like grotesque or anything like that. I really just don’t get it. Even worse the guy/s I end up liking have had at least one girlfriend my size, and let’s just say they didn’t have the best personalities and weren’t the “jolly” type. I wonder every now and then, if I should just act really feminine or something, but they supposedly find it really annoying…what should I do? ~Fed Up with Friendships~

Dear FUF: The Bitter Single Guy like, feels your pain sister. The BSG himself had a time of being everyone’s pal and no one’s hunka-hunka-burnin-love and he knows how frustrating that is. Here it is broken down for you: Let go of the hefty thang…there are TONS of guys who like a woman with a little something to hold on to (some BSG readers are thinking ‘Amen, brother!’). Let go of the idea that your friends SHOULD be making moves on you. Your best friend who has a girlfriend? Really FUF? That’s just tacky. Let go of Mr. Beach Guy. If he wanted to sample some of your wares, he would have when you stayed up talking all night.

FUF it’s possible that, by virtue of your sparkling personality, that you’ve become SAFE. This means that in a pool of folks who are all dating each other and wrapped up in each other’s madness, there is usually one person that everyone else comes to for advice and comfort. This seems like it would be a great position to be in, but it can leave you out in the cold, as you’ve seen.

OK, here’s the plan FUF. Find yourself a date. NOT one of your friends that you think should be attracted to you, find someone NEW then flirt, bat your eyes, be clever and like fun to be around. Make sure your intentions are clear. If you’re asked to give advice to this person on how he can win the affections of someone else, get up and walk away to find someone interested in YOU.


Letting Him Down Easily

September 22nd, 2008 | No Comments | Posted in Dumped

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I met this guy 3 wks ago at a stop sign when I was on vacation. We flirted and exchanged #’s waiting for the light to change. Then we texted each other for hrs and went on a date the next night. We had a good time and I came back home the next day. We text and talk all the time but I don’t want a relationship, which I told him at the beginning of our friendship. He said he just wanted to get to know me and everything was cool, but he’s very needy and freaks out if I don’t call or text. How can I politely tell him I’m just not into him? ~I Want Out~

Dear IWO: The Bitter Single Guy loved your letter! It brought him back to his own youth when he asked a pretty girl out on a date at a traffic light. The BSG recalls being appreciative of having two lights in a row during which to woo the object of his affection because, while traffic lights seem to last forever when you’re stuck in traffic, they’re remarkably short when you’re trying to be all swav and stuff. During this life-altering moment, the BSG was driving a very old (1973) Plymouth Satellite and his target was driving a similarly old ’67 Buick Wildcat convertible. As the BSG pulled up next to his target at a traffic light on US1 in South Florida (the BSG has since moved away from SoFla) he admits that he was slightly more attracted to the car than the girl (she was pretty, but that CAR!). Numbers were exchanged and the BSG was invited to a pool party with Pretty Girl’s friends. About a half hour into the experience, Pretty Girl and all her friends (all gender possibilities were represented) did a line of coke, shed their clothing and jumped in the pool. The BSG swears he is not making this up. Sadly, the BSG was always a somewhat shy type and not much for the illegal substances (or incessant sniffling) so he politely declined. As one could imagine, that was the last time he saw Pretty Girl, but the BSG has thought about her car many times since that night (sigh).

But the BSG knows that you didn’t come here to hear him reminisce, IWO! From the memories of his youth, the BSG applauds your caution-to-the-wind approach to dating and is wowed by your ability to flirt and exchange numbers at just one traffic light.

The BSG also has a big giant “You Go Girl!” for coming home the next day after your date with Traffic Light Boy. Good for you for getting that pesky physical stuff on the table (or floor, whatever) as soon as possible.

But to your actual question, this is as easy as you think it is, IWO. The way to politely tell Traffic Light Boy that you’re not interested is to politely tell him that you’re not interested. This is the relationship equivalent of ripping a Band-Aid off all at one time instead of taking it a tiny bit at a time. It may seem more painful to do it all at once, but both you and Traffic Light Boy will (eventually) be better for it.


Recycled Love

September 16th, 2008 | No Comments | Posted in What The Hell?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Well ok. So about 7 months I met this guy and we started dating and stuff. But we both didn’t even know each other and pretty much based the relationship off looks. So of course we broke up but still continued to talk and then we got to know each other and stuff and now I find myself liking him more than I have ever liked anyone else. He tells me how much he likes me and acts like it in person (usually) but like usually right after the day we’ve hung out he acts all weird like he doesn’t want to talk to me and like kind of closes up. And plus we aren’t official or anything and have both been somewhat talking to other people. Should i try and forget about him before I get hurt, or should i try to keep going for him. Oh and might I add he has hurt me before badly! But he said he’s changed and likes me so much. ~I Want Him Back~

Dear IWHB: The Bitter Single Guy thinks you’re working too hard for this. The BSG sees how you could have gotten together just for looks (not the first time that’s ever happened, IWHB), and sees also how it could have ended pretty quickly if you didn’t know each other.

But at this point, your Baffling Beau needs to step up to the plate if he’s also feeling like you two should try again. If, as you say, he gets like, all weird and stuff after you’ve hung out, to hell with him. Wait for him to call you, wait for him to ask you out.

You ask if you should try and forget him before you get hurt, but the BSG and you know that you’re already hurt IWHB. Take a step back.

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