The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Can’t Get Her Alone

Dar Bitter Single Guy: So I met this girl the other night at my friend’s dorm room, we seemed to hit it off really well, we had a couple drinks listened to some music and just talked and flirted w/ each other all night. I got her number and we decided to make the same plans for the following night so this night rolls along and everything goes just as great. She (the girl) decides she’s tired and is ready to go to bed but she had one too many drinks. So I offer to walk her back to her dorm. Anyways we walk and I have my arm around her and we get back to the door but before I can make my move a buddy of mine comes barging up behind me and ruins the whole moment. So I go home again, the next night she calls me and invites me to come drink/hang out with a few of her close girl/guy friends so we do and have a good time except this night we basically get no alone time so once again nothing happens.

Today I decided to try and ask her out on a date and accomplish that way but she never answered my call or called me back? So what do you think am I just completely wasting my time with this girl or should I try and see her a few more times to see if anything comes out of it. ~Time to Fly?~

Dear TTF: The Bitter Single Guy gets how the sitch has been frustrating to date, but he believes you need to give this a little more time before pulling the plug. Your Cagey Carnation may be trying to play a little hard to get, or she may even be equally frustrated with the string of public connections that lack personal time. In any case, you have what, three data points? Hardly enough to draw a conclusion. Hang in there.

Don’t Feed The Cougars

Dear Bitter Single Guy: There is this older lady I work with, we flirt way too much for it to be work. She is also married. I say she is older because I’m 20 and she is 34, which anyone with simple math could tell you she is older. But recently the flirting moved to the next level, as a couple of days ago our job paid for a night for the entire department. Well me and her rode with some co-workers and on the way home we shared a couple extremely passionate kisses, which she made the move for. I don’t know how to read into this, as she is married. Just need some advice. ~Kiss and Tell~

Dear KAT: DUDE! The Bitter Single Guy has a fist bump for you here…*bump*. Congratulations dude, you’re Married Martha’s mid-life (or mid-marriage) crisis! This is right out of the script for Desperate Housewives (season 1). Here’s what you can expect: Married Martha is likely to be able to put off her feelings of guilt for at least a few more passionate kisses and maybe a little slap-and-tickle as well. She’ll be a tiger during these instances, taking the lead, getting what she wants. You’re just along for the ride, you get that, right?

Eventually the fun will escalate until someone gets their feelings involved (this could take mere weeks or up to a few months). At that point, Married Martha will realize that she’s screwing up a relationship she’s probably pretty invested in and she’ll break it off. Either way, there is NO WAY this can end well for either one of you, but if you’re OK with that, then you’ll get some great stories to tell when you’re in your 30’s.

There is also the possibility that she’s one of them Cougars who regularly preys on young flesh such as yours. If that’s the case, you’re the only one likely to suffer from getting your feelings hurt, but the stories you’ll have to tell are the same. Watch out for the husband, though. They tend to take these things hard.

Of course there is also the choice to disengage and not be part of Married Martha’s dalliance. This leaves you with fewer stories, but with a healthy dose of integrity. Honestly, if the BSG were 20, he would probably go for it. There’s time in the future to get back your integrity. ~BSG~

Running in Circles

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have been dating a girl for almost 3 years. It started a bit rocky since we were both seeing other people when we met each other, but it was still great after we both broke up with the other people we were seeing. Later on she began to get really jealous and controlling and we had tons of arguments about that. Soon afterwards she wanted me to commit into a marriage or engagement and I just could not do it because of all the ups and downs we were going through. In the mean time I had met another girl who was just a friend at first and while I was going through this rocky time in my relationship, I began to develop feelings for her! She said she used to like me at first but she just considers me a friend now and is not interested in starting anything with me. I am torn between the two of them. I fell out of love with the girl that really likes me because I could not deal with her anger and jealousy and I cannot stop thinking about the other girl who just wants to be friends. I don’t know whether I should stop thinking about the one that wants to be friends and try to fix my relationship with my girlfriend or whether I should just walk away from both of them and how? ~Running In Circles~

Dear RIC: First, the Bitter Single Guy has to applaud (clapclapclap) your decision NOT to get engaged with your girlfriend. Engagement and lifetime commitments are fun and all that, but not for you, at least not right now. The BSG recommends you break it off with your girlfriend and accept new girl’s request just for friendship, that way you can spend some necessary time being single. The BSG isn’t ever a fan of jumping from relationship to relationship; don’t you take a break after a meal before eating another one? Of course you do. Don’t you try to get a few weeks off between jobs if you can? Of course you do.

RIC, you went from one relationship right into your current relationship and now you’re considering dumping your current relationship for another one. Take a break, dude. Besides, New Girl is likely to reconsider her just-friends stance if you’re all single and stuff. ~BSG~

Where Are the Intellectuals?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I seem to have a unique problem with men – to the point I feel that I may as well give up on a relationship, because it isn’t going to happen for me. I stopped “looking” a long time ago, because it only led to hurt.  What I have always wished for is an ordinary guy, who wants to get to know me, who I find interesting as well – a more intellectual type – someone with similar interests, who could be my best friend.  I don’t even think those expectations are unreasonable.

Here is the problem.  The only guys I seem to attract are either unavailable men – gay guys seem to be easily fascinated with me.  - No, I don’t seek them out, they seem to “find” me.  And they don’t even make good friends, because they are so capricious – here today, and gone tomorrow. The other type I seem to attract is the guys who have something about them or their lifestyle that is a total and complete turn off.  So different from me, and my life, I have to wonder what makes them think I would even be interested. (I am educated, and not interested in anyone who isn’t)

Why would this always be the case?  What am I likely doing wrong?  Why the gay guys? And why would a woman not be relationship material to someone who is educated, has a job, and their own place? Can you tell me what men are looking for?  What makes a girl relationship material, and what makes her a great friend and buddy, but not a romantic interest?  I really want to know. ~Can’t Get the Right One~

Dear CGRO: The Bitter Single Guy hears your frustration with trying to find the right match; the BSG himself has a really tough time bridging the gap between his list of qualifications for a match and the actual human incarnation of that match.  The BSG’s point here is that attraction, love and lust don’t always fall into logical categories.

The BSG will tell you about his friend Roger. Roger went through a bad no-dating period where the right woman was nowhere in evidence.  There were some, including the BSG, who secretly (and some not so secretly) thought that Roger’s expectations were a little unreasonable. Specifically, Roger wasn’t interested in any woman who didn’t fully resemble Britney Spears (the pre-melt-down, pre-mommy-track, post-not-that-innocent Britney). Roger despaired of ever finding love.

Thankfully for Roger (and probably Britney) he met a woman who met few of his requirements, but had a whole list of OTHER attributes that Roger hadn’t even thought to put on his list. Today, they are happily producing offspring and living their lives.

The BSG’s point here CGRO, is that having a list of hard-and-fast rules isn’t going to work. You may find the man who completely fits the bill, but fails to (the BSG will try not to be indelicate here) make your toes curl.  Readers…raise your hands if you are currently in a relationship that SEEMED like it should have been perfect but in fact is hell-ish.  Uh huh…uh huh…yes, there are many of you, as the BSG suspected.

CGRO, the BSG doesn’t understand your attraction for The Gays.  The Gays are typically attracted to fabulousness, so there must be something fabulous about you. The BSG also hears that The Gays are attracted to boobs…so perhaps you are either fabulous in some way, or have interesting boobs.  The BSG is just speculating here, but he wouldn’t recommend you spend any time trying to get to the bottom of this one.

The BSG feels he could go on and on here, asking questions like “Why educated? Do you mean M.A.-educated, Ph.D.-educated, or will only post-doc do?”  The BSG also thinks he could go on about what makes a girl (or a boy, for that matter) relationship material as opposed to friend material, but the short answer for all these questions is that the BSG recommends just being open to the possibility.  That high-school educated gardener may have a passion for organic gardening and poetry that hits all your intellectual buttons. Or, he may just be really hot and hit a whole bunch of different buttons in which case, maybe you can join a book club to get your intellectual rocks off (OK, the BSG was pretty indelicate there).

Lighten up CGRO. Hang out in the circles where your desired mates hang out. Have hobbies, have fun and be open to possibilities.

Learning To Read Her Man

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I just recently ended my five year run being single, and my boyfriend just ended his four year one. We are both extremely picky when it comes to picking a significant other. He’s really awesome, but hard to please. He wasn’t raised learning how to communicate like I was, so he often does not tell me what he wants or likes. I want to be able to get that out of him and, at times, be able to perhaps ‘read’ him a bit when he doesn’t.
Also…he is not a big fan of sex. At first I thought he was asexual, but I found out that he used to like it when he was younger a lot, and the only way he likes it now, is it he has a very powerful orgasm. What can I do to take care of these problems, and bring us closer? ~Want to Please My Man~
Dear WPMM: The Bitter Single Guy would first like you congratulate you and your Gentle Gent for ending your streak of single-ness! If not for the time we spend in relationships, how could we ever appreciate the pleasures of single-hood? Of course there’s also the love and companionship and (except for you, WPMM) the sex, but the BSG isn’t counting all that.
But the BSG digresses. You’ve got two things going on here, WPMM…communication and sex. You’ll find that they’re related in just a moment. But first…communication: Gentle Gent wasn’t raised learning how to communicate like you…so how WAS he raised to communicate? The BSG recommends assuming that Gentle Gent knows what he wants, he’s just expressing himself in a way that you can’t see yet. This will help you approach him from equal ground, instead of approaching him as damaged goods.
Sex is a tough one, WPMM. The only real solution here, which is likely to be really tough for Gentle Gent, is to have the conversation. It goes something like this: “Gentle Gent, you are so well matched to me and most of our relationship is all that I could have ever wanted. I have to say though, that sex is important to me as a way for us to spent intimate time together. What can we do together to get sex more integrally into our relationship?” The BSG should also say that he doesn’t quite understand your point that the only wan Gentle Gent likes sex is if he has a really powerful orgasm. Doesn’t everyone prefer sex that way? The BSG believes there is something missing in the translation here, but the gist is the same. Talk about it…that’s the only way to figure out whether he also thinks this is a problem.
The BSG wants to clarify WPMM, that one does not communicate AT someone, one communicates WITH someone. Find out Gentle Gent’s key and turn it (in every way possible). Good luck.