The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Coming Out of His Skin

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Dude, I am desperate I am reaching out over the internet.  I have been dating this girl (off and on) for about two months.  We were together, and then she broke up with me and needless to say I was bitter.  We kept talking via text message and such and then one night we hang out with some friends, she gets drunk, spends the night at my apartment, and tells me she really cares for me and wants to get back together.  She keeps this up and a couple of days later she says, “I love you,” and I replied honestly that I did too.  After that she kept on saying how much she cared for me and yada yada yada, and I kept replying that I did as well.  I cared about her so much I wasn’t trying to push sex on her.  I wanted her to want me.  Well this past monday she says she wants me to come over after work, I do, and we have some awesome sex.  The next day after we eat lunch, she sends me a couple of text breaking up with me.  “I moved to fast.  I don’t want to be in a relationship.  I need to figure out who I am.  I still care about and love you.”  All this she said and I was just flabergasted.  She wanted to remain friends, knowing that she had ripped my flipping heart out of my chest.  I’m so messed up right now man.  I don’t know if you answer all these or if this site is still going or what, but if you read this please for the love of…whatever, give me some kind of insight man. ~Distraught Dude~

Dear DD: The BSG doesn’t answer all the letters that come his way because there’s just too many of them, but yours seems important.  First, the Bitter Single Guy has to say that he feels your pain, DD. Normally, in situations like yours, the BSG recommends backing off and letting the on-again-off-again person come to you. Of course, this is exactly what you did, but still found yourself on the yo-yo.

No easy answer here, DD. Dump her. Then let her know that you care about her but can’t be dragged through the emotional mud tied to the car of her emotional roller coaster (the BSG has badly mixed his metaphors…roller coasters don’t usually go through mud, but you get the gist). On-Again-Off-Again is going to lead you along based on her whim until it occurs to her that you’re involved in this relationship as well.

~BSG~

Seeking Perfection

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I had been seeing this girl for around four months, everything was going well, or so I thought. She came over one night with tears in her eyes, saying that we had to talk. I knew this was going to be swell.

I feel I must add that we are both each others first relationship, probably important. Anyway, she cited her reasons for the break-up being that I did not speak Italian, which is what she studied in college, and that we did not like the same music. I was literally speechless and to make matters worse she gave me the old let’s be friends and it’s not you it’s me crap. The one thing that hurt the most was that she told me she loved me a week before, if not for that I probably wouldn’t be going out of mind.

I talked to a few people and they all agreed that she was nuts, not that our music taste was even that different, I just didn’t like folk music and morose Leonard Cohen type stuff.

We bantered back and fourth for a while and she came over around two weeks later. It was a basic continuation of our last conversation, with some odd tidbits thrown in. She said that she was the kind of person that always got what she wanted and she knew she was selfish, but didn’t expect me to change. Then the weirdest thing of all. She basically told me what she wanted in a man 1.Must be Italian, check (even though I don’t speak it…so nix). 2.Must be from her home town, check. 3. Must have the same taste in music, nix. 4. Must be able to buy her whatever she desires, nix, I’m no millionaire.

Move forward a few weeks later and the old “oh she’s not here, i’ll get her to call you back,” routine, and saying some things via email I shouldn’t have said (although I was basically repeating things that she said herself), she calls me on a Saturday night and talk on the phone for two hours, the longest I’ve ever talked on the phone before, I was even able to make jokes about the relationship to break the ice and get a few laughs.

I have had a few opinions about this, a few people have said that it was her first relationship that she was scared, others said she was just nuts. What I’d like to know is what you think. As well as what should I do, if anything. ~Don’t Measure Up~

Dear DMU: The Bitter Single Guy applauds your willingness to hang in there dude. But mostly his reply is Really? Are you kidding the BSG with this crap? Short answer: get the hell out of this nightmare relationship. Don’t have conversations, don’t hash and re-hash the details: just get out.

If your Delicate Dandelion has the gumption to present you with the list of your failings as a potential mate, then tell you that she’s used to getting what she wants…the BSG recommends letting Delicate Dandelion get what she wants, which is to be alone for a very very long time.

By the way, she also says her acceptable mate has to be able to buy her whatever she wants? The BSG thinks that exchanging affection for material goods is actually prostitution.  Feel free to share that with Delicate Dandelion on your way out.

~BSG~

Reclaiming Your Relationship Power

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Your blog is great! Incredibly clear and logical advice is rare. I think it’s exactly what I need.

I’ve been going out with an amazing guy for 7 months who is everything I could want in a boyfriend, who inspires me and who I love (haven’t said it though, nor has he). Everything has been peaches – aside from the fact he’s busy surfing a whole lot.

The elephant in the room has always been that I’m going away for 5 months next year. I’d always thought we’d ride it out, but recently he brought up how it might be easier, though awkward, if we were friends before I leave because we might not end up together in a year when we finish studying – he might want to go somewhere different to me (I would follow, but he didn’t even ask that). And he might ‘hurt me by stopping liking me’. This last bit was because he lost all feeling for his last girlfriend when they were apart for a month and is scared this could happen to us. He also included in this crushing speech that he thinks I like him slightly more than he likes me.

What the hell. I broke up with him, hurt, because I have to put myself first or at least show that I can – or he will never get a wakeup call. (I don’t actually want to leave him at all it makes me beyond sad). Since then he’s been saying non-stop that he wants to be with me, never wanted to break up, might leave the course if we’re not together, and basically completely contradicting himself. What should I do?

Confused by Contradictory Boy

Dear CBCB: The Bitter Single Guy read the first half of your letter and was forming his advice in his head, then got to the second half of your letter and realized that you had already done what he was going to advise!

But the BSG gets ahead of himself. Bravo for your use of “everything has been peaches – aside from excessive surfing” (the BSG paraphrased here a bit). That line will stick with the BSG for some months. Besides that, the BSG has some conclusions that you have probably also come to. If Contradictory Boy isn’t able to stay focused for 5 months (really not that long) while you’re gone, then this is a delightful but non-permanent relationship you’re in.  Seriously, he lost all feeling for his former girlfriend after a month of being apart? Who IS this guy?

CBCB, the BSG would have made the same decision that you made in response to the crushing speech (getting out). Being told that you like Contradictory Boy more than he likes you and that he doesn’t want to hurt you when he doesn’t like you anymore? WTF? You were right to jump off that sinking ship.

The BSG is glad however, that Contradictory Boy has the gumption to admit that he got more than he bargained for when he made these pronouncements (gumption is a rare, fair feature, the BSG thinks).  The best thing you have going for you is that you’re emotionally separated from him, putting you in a position of considerable power in this relationship and the BSG is never one to recommend against using some power. Be willing to talk with him, and maybe have dinner or coffee with him, but make it clear that right now HE likes you more than you like HIM.  Chances are you’ll still be on shaky ground when you go away next year, but at least you have the chance to balance the scales a little right now.

~BSG~

Cross-Atlantic Marriage

The BSG received this letter, then received a follow up that this Esteemed Gentleman had already come to a decision and the BSG should share his advice with someone more needy. That aside, the BSG puts this here for his readers to offer their advice:

Dear Bitter Single Guy: After living together for a year and half in the southeastern United States, my French girlfriend and I now live in different countries. I just started a 4-5 year doctoral program in the Northeastern United States, and she is finishing the last year of her doctoral work in France. I spent this past summer in France getting to know her family and friends. We have talked seriously about marriage, even going into details about how the invitations would work, who would speak, how I can get the size for the engagement ring, and where the marriage would take place. So the relationship is a serious one, and I am reasonably sure that she wants a future with me as much as I want one with her.

In my zeal and enthusiasm for the relationship (after all, I am young and in love), I have made lots of concessions on the future. The marriage will be in France, and will be traditional French. We will live permanently in France, which is slightly worse for me professionally, but I am willing to do it because I like the country and she has a STRONG preference to live there (see below). Finally I am organizing my studies so that I can spend summers working at a laboratory in France, which will allow me to spend time with her. This coming summer for example, I will be working there.

The problem is that she is seemingly unwilling to make a similar sacrifice and move to the U.S. to do a post-doc after she completes her thesis next year. I want her to come for one year. 5 years of long distance is too much. People at my school have assured me that they will be able to find a position for her, but she has so far refused to follow up on their offer. She basically has until the end of the year to act or the window of opportunity will pass. There are a couple of reasons for her reluctance. One is that she hates America. No vacation, no long dinners, no health care, high infant mortality rate, stupid population, etc…. A second is that her mom is constantly telling her that she shouldn’t come here, and she is utterly incapable of standing up to her mother. A third is that she claims that doing a post-doc here will prevent her from finding a permanent position in France in the future. This is her finding an excuse, and is simply not true.

Whenever I bring up the subject of her moving here, she tells me that I should stop putting pressure on her and that she needs to decide on her own time. I of course abide. She says this despite having made it very clear to me that she would stop the relationship in the future if I decided to stay in America permanently. So I can’t put pressure on her, but she is free to put it on me.

I am going to see her in a month. What should I say to her? I am feeling like it’s time for her to grow up and make a choice about what she really wants, but I’m afraid that saying, “Move here or I’ll break up with you,” may end up being both counterproductive and unfair on her. I’m also not sure that I would follow through with it. On the other hand, it’s hard for me to justify investing so much time, money, and lost professional opportunity (if I’m networking in France, I’m not networking here) on someone who isn’t willing to make a true sacrifice for the sake of our relationship. If she isn’t willing to sacrifice now, it makes me wonder how much she will really fight for our relationship later down the line when things may not be easy or convenient for her. Also….could she just be waiting on me to pop the question? ~Fight or Flight~

Searching For a Soul-Mate

Dear Bitter Single Guy: so i was checking this site out and i thought you might be able to help me out i want to thank you in advance for anything you can tell me well im a 18 year old and i been single for going on 3 years i realize lots of people don’t meet there soul mates till much later in life but being alone this long is really starting to take a toll on me i mean im a nice guy kind to every1 strong values and pretty smart sure im not the most atractive person but sometimes there things that mean more then that am i wrong.? i ask some of my friends and dad about some of it and there like just wait good things come in time but i been waiting for 3 years there only so much friends can do i know im looking for a soul mate at a much younger age but i just want someone to hug and hold hands with i guess im ask for 2 much well i like to know what you think. much Respect. ~Tired of Being Alone~

Dear TOBA: The Bitter Single Guy would love a world where romance and relationship problems could be solved simply by the use of a period at the end of a sentence (any sentence, really).  If that were the case, TOBA, the BSG would have an easy solution for you, but alas…

TOBA, the BSG doesn’t have any better advice for you than your friends or your dad, except that the BSG definitely doesn’t want to discount your feelings of loneliness.  There are some folks past the age of 18 who will tell you that because you’re young, your feelings aren’t real, but the BSG isn’t that guy. 

So there are some things the BSG has to recommend for you that will make you (or anyone, for that matter) soul-mate material.

1. Read stuff. Read fiction, read non-fiction, read the newspaper, read magazines.  Read stuff that will result in you having an informed opinion about something. Anything. (The BSG recommends reading about the election and then voting in it)
2. Exercise outside. The BSG differentiates between outside exercise and inside exercise because although the gym is a great way for busy folks to ward off encroaching infirmity, being active outside adds a bit of interest to you that becomes attractive “You kayak? That’s so hot!”
3. Make friends. This is not just because making friends makes the universe a better place. Make friends because you learn how to be in a relationship (friendships and romantic relationships have several qualities in common) and also because your friends have other friends and you get to shop for romance.

TOBA, the BSG should also say that he’s a little skeptical about finding a soul mate…soul mates are built, not found.  

All that aside, the BSG will also tell you what everyone else has: you’re young, give it time.  BUT…make sure you follow the directions above so you’re not leaving it to chance.

~BSG~