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Moving In Fast

November 28th, 2008 | No Comments | Posted in Stay Or Go?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’m 18 and been with my girl for 2 years. We moved in together about 3 months ago. I feel as though its too early for a serious relationship, and there is much in life I’m missing but I believe she is “the one” What do I do? ~Too Early Relationship~

 

Dear TER: The Bitter Single Guy believes, based on his own experience of being 18 years old, that every relationship is serious at some level. But he also thinks, as you seem to, that settling in for a lifetime commitment at 18 is a little early. The BSG knows there are folks out there who met in their teens and are still happily-ever-after several decades later, but the BSG also knows that there are folks out there who were struck by lightning while wearing yellow pants.  In both cases, just because it’s true for a few random suckers doesn’t mean it will work for most of us.

 

TER the good news, in the BSG’s opinion, is that you don’t need to do much of anything.  Time and growing older is likely to split you up without much effort. Hang in there until you’re convinced that it’s time to move on (as opposed to being on the fence as you are now), or until your delicate flower pulls the plug for you. ~BSG~

Thanksgiving Advice

November 27th, 2008 | No Comments | Posted in Random Crap

Happy Thanksgiving faithful American readers! The BSG specifies “American” because he knows that he has readers around the globe…many of whom have their own version of a harvest feast albeit at other times. That’s OK though…the BSG thinks this advice will work for anyone.

Today, in America, many families will roast a farm animal of some sort, turn its rendered fat into gravy and surround it with an assortment of seemingly random side dishes: potatoes (mashed, roasted and sweet), yams, green beans (cooked to an unrecognizable mush), cranberry sauce…the BSG could go on, but you’ve already added your own critical ingredient to the Thanksgiving table. All of this followed, of course, by pies and pies and pies.

The Bitter Single Guy ususally restricts his advice to romantic relationships (or the lack thereof), but today he has something to say about familial relationships.  Holidays often include the stress of travel, of cooking for a crowd, and of trying to meet (an often unreasonable) standard for the holiday feast itself.  Then add difficult family relationships, as individuals find their similarities and differences getting in the way of easy productive communication in their own family.  Finally, add everyone’s festive companion at the holidays: alcohol! 

Here’s the BSG’s advice; it’s brief but important…pay attention. Go easy on yourself and your family.  Forgive rude comments and other inappropriate transgressions. You’ll be happier in the end.

Happy Thanksgiving.

~BSG~

Frustrated By a Waffler

November 24th, 2008 | No Comments | Posted in Stay Or Go?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Three years ago I dated a guy who had two children.  We were very much in love, but the complications of his life ended up breaking us up.  He quickly started dating a much younger woman and we didn’t speak for a year.  After they had broken up, we began speaking again, hooking up occasionally, but never sleeping together (mainly just cuddling and talking).  We had discussed in the past the idea of giving it another shot, but he had turned down the idea because he wanted to get himself together.  We continued our kissing, cuddling, friendship, both of us dating other people.

 

A couple months ago we ran into each other after not seeing one another for awhile.  He told me that I was the woman he doesn’t forget and that he thought he was still in love with me.  After long discussions about his situation (kids and all) we decided to give us a real shot.  He quickly became distant and somewhat cold (though he never was that way before).  Because of this I quickly became agitated and emotional.  A couple of weeks ago he totally ended it with me, telling me that he didn’t feel it in his heart and he didn’t know why. 

 

When I asked him if he was prepared to throw in the towel on him and I, he said no, but that he couldn’t be in this if he wasn’t in this and he had to figure it out. What the hell?  I don’t get it.  It was his idea to “really be in this together” as he said and the minute we said let’s do it, some sort of emotional wall came up.  Did it really fizzle in him that fast or did he freak? ~Butt of The Joke~

 

Dear BTJ: The Bitter Single Guy thinks this one is easy: you’re done. If your waffling wooer can’t figure out what he wants or how to act when he gets it, there isn’t anything you can do for him. 

 

Frankly, the fact that he dumped you then told you he isn’t prepared to throw in the towel is a little spineless. The BSG says snatch the damned towel out of his hands.

 

BTJ if you think there is hope for this relationship, the BSG recommends letting Waffling Wooer do the heavy lifting. Let him ask you on a date, let him wine and dine you, let him want you a little.  By the way, the BSG strongly recommends against a ‘kissing, cuddling friendship’.  Waffling Wooer hasn’t demonstrated any ability to appropriately manage complex boundaries like that. ~BSG~

When Humor Hurts

November 22nd, 2008 | 1 Comment | Posted in Random Crap

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I need your advice and some perspective. This came up with the boyfriend last year and it was never really resolved. It came up again the other day. I’m educated, open-minded, don’t get too easily offended and have been known to laugh at a tasteless (ie, Helen Keller, dead baby) joke. So I’m not that faint of heart, and can handle gross stuff.

 

There are quite a few guy terms that I’m sure you’ve heard. The first one I heard was the “dirty sanchez”, another is the “Tony Danza”, and most recently we were watching a movie and the term “angry dragon” was mentioned. I asked him what it meant and he explained, pretty directly without laughing…but also without apology. It describes an act where a woman is pleasuring a man and she’s physically hurt and demeaned. Most of these terms are just that…where a girl is performing a sexual act on a guy and he hits her or does some other crappy thing to her to either give himself a physical rush or just for the sheer entertainment.

 

Since he explained it to me the other day, I’ve had a visceral response, feel repulsed, and I can’t get it out of my mind. My boyfriend is gentle and is actually pretty shy in bed so there is absolutely no abuse going on here, nor do I have a history of any. I told him how it affected me, and he said he was sorry to have offended me.

 

And somehow that wasn’t enough. I said it wasn’t just a matter of being “offended,” it was a physical revulsion I felt when he said it. He said it’s just that guys have weird senses of humor. I asked how it could possibly be found funny in any context…the idea of your woman trying to make you feel good and inflicting pain and humiliation on her while she’s doing it. He said the same way many of us find racist jokes or Helen Keller jokes funny.

 

This is probably where I made a mistake…I wanted him to *feel* what I felt, so he could understand where I was coming from…how severe my response was. I tried to put him in the position of the woman, for him to imagine that being done to him, and he said he “guesses” he understands. That was last night, and it didn’t end well. We’ve been together for years, and I don’t think this is going to make or break things. But I still feel nauseous that he would find it funny. I’m not a big feminist either, but I wracked my brain trying to find a male counterpart to these jokes/terms, and there are none. Is there a better way to handle this? Any suggestions on how to resolve this or talk about it without putting him on the defensive–if I should talk about it at all? ~Don’t Get the Joke~

 

Dear DGJ: The Bitter Single Guy usually tries to keep things light, believing that relationship advice is more fun when it’s…well…fun. But he had to respond here.

 

DGJ it’s not you and it’s not “guy humor”. In the BSG’s opinion, jokes that are about victimizing, demeaning, humiliating or hurting other people aren’t funny and in fact are a major contributing factor to racism, homophobia, misogyny and all the other names for elevating ourselves at someone else’s expense. Again, this is just the BSG’s opinion, but he feels strongly about it. By the way, it’s possible the BSG is out of touch, but he hasn’t heard of any of these “jokes”.

 

That said, don’t hold your gentle boyfriend completely responsible for not having the same level of visceral response that you do. Many guys (and some women) don’t have as direct a connection between their thoughts and their feelings as you are describing. This isn’t a bad thing, but it means that when you think of something like these jokes, you have a real emotional response. Probably your boyfriend has a more intellectual response…knowing that the activities in those jokes are wrong, but not having an emotional response.

 

This is the slippery slope with humor, DGJ. It’s easy to make jokes at someone else’s expense, but until you’ve been the butt of the joke, you may not understand the pain they can cause. ~BSG~

What Being Dumped Looks Like

November 21st, 2008 | No Comments | Posted in Dumped

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Recently my girlfriend of a year and a half broke up with me.  Let me fill you in on the details.  She and I met while doing a research stint as undergrads and hit it off.  We were passionately in love for the three months we had together during the program.  So much so that when it was over we decided to make the long distance thing work for 6 months until I graduated and could move in with her.  I was reluctant to move in with her for many reasons (no real job, far away from friends and family, etc) but I also love her so I did it anyway.  During the time we lived together while she finished undergrad it was clear that some of the passion was gone but that’s no real surprise.  After she graduated we picked a graduate program together, moved across the country together, and got an apartment together.

 

Graduate school can be rough so our time here has put us through the wringer but I’ve been trying to make it work.  I actually planned on proposing to her in the spring.

 

Here’s where things get weird.  During a bad two week stretch for me she keeps going out every night with friends.  I let her know that it was a little hurtful (“I’m always there for you when you need help”) but at the same time trying to not be too restrictive.  Then one day after being out all night she tells me that we should break up and that she’s not interested in me anymore (WHAT?!).  Now granted, things weren’t at their best in the relationship but I never imagined we were near a break-up.

 

Now to make matters worse she has been spending all her time for the past two weeks with another guy.  She swears up and down that they’re not dating but I still think it’s pretty messed up.

 

To get to my point: I’ve been trying to patch things up but she’s been resistant.  I talked to her family and was told that she has a tendency to walk away from relationships.  I really think she loves me but is afraid of being with me for some reason.  I don’t know if I should try to make it work or just give up and move on.  Please help me. ~Dangling From the Ledge~

 

Dear DFL: The Bitter Single Guy thinks that it’s amazing folks like you who manage to keep the species moving forward. In the face of blunt rejection by your fickle fig, you’re trying to find out what you can do to fix this and accommodate her needs~

 

It’s harsh DFL, but the BSG knows you come to him for the real scoop: You’ve been dumped.

 

She is dating New Guy no matter what she tells you. Whatever the real activities, she’s investing in him emotionally and NOT in you (nor has she for some time, apparently). So details aside, the result is the same. Plus she’s told you she’s not interested in you anymore; the message can’t be any more clear than that.

 

The BSG recommends you spend some time feeling sorry for yourself; you’ve earned it. During this time, the BSG doesn’t believe you should have any contact with Fickle Fig; none. It’s likely that she’ll contact you because she’ll feel less like a jerk if she can get you to place nicey-nicey with her. Don’t fall for this, stay out of contact until the worst of the sting passes (this is probably a month).

 

It’s likely that Fickle Fig will come back to you at some point, saying that she thinks about you all the time and wants to try again. Be very careful deciding to re-engage with Fickle Fig…you don’t want to setup a pattern of being tromped on by her.

 

Now DFL, this will be the hardest thing to hear. The BSG has to point out that maybe Fickle Fig tried for a long time to love you like she wanted to and tried hard to figure out how to make it work. Some folks don’t have those conversations with the folks who they should (you, in this case), but instead try to work it out on their own. It’s possible that during the week you needed her and she was out all night, she was using a little bit of alcohol to help her get her courage up to do what she felt she had to do (namely: dump you). None of this should stop you from feeling sorry for yourself (again…you’ve earned it), but when you pick your head up in a few months, it may be helpful to remember that sometimes relationships just end and it’s no one’s fault.

 

The BSG recommends ice cream when getting dumped. Lots of it. ~BSG~

 

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