The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Tired of Being the Single Friend

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’m 21 and have never dated or had any sort of relationship and I’m not the one-night-stand sort of a girl either. I’m smart, I’m fairly attractive, and I like to have a good time as much as anyone else does.

I’ve tried all the lines, the overdone flirting etc, but its not me. I’m the bitter single among my friends. I have a sarcastic/bitter sense of humor. I get along better with my graduate school peers than my junior and senior ones. I’m always the friend or the person that people come to advice for.  I’m never attracted to (or can’t stand) the guys that are attracted to me. If people are attracted to me, I’m completely oblivious. I feel like I’ve tried all the advice out there. I’m independent, but I’m sick of always being the single friend. Either I’m in the wrong school in the wrong state, or I’m giving off an overly bitter or serious vibe. ~Perpetually Single Girl~

Dear PSG: The Bitter Single Guy doesn’t believe that the only reasons you’re single are that you’re too bitter, too serious, or geographically hobbled. The best advice the BSG has for getting a date is getting some hobbies. Whether it’s while running the marathon for which your running club has trained during the past few months, or at the art show your pottery class organized for your work, you will find yourself meeting other like-minded people which, in dating parlance, is like shooting fish in a barrel.

Don’t go to bars expecting to meet dates, it’s soul-crushing and rarely successful (one nighters are more likely).

Additionally PSG, your friends are likely to be good help for you to understand if you’ve got a ‘tude working that is repelling the opposite sex. The BSG will also mention here that the opposite sex isn’t always for everyone, so if the ‘other side of the tracks’ hasn’t occurred to you, the BSG recommends thinking about it.

In addition to expanding your hobbies (social hobbies only, PSG.  Crocheting at home while you watch Friends reruns won’t get you anywhere), and thinking about all your dating options, the BSG generally recommends liking yourself and your life. This seems simple, but for some is a lifetime journey. Hopefully not for you.

Finally PS, it seems that you’re in graduate school? Heck, give yourself some slack! Graduate school is about as transitory as you can get in life. It may be that your love life won’t blossom until you do.

Exiting Gracefully

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I am only 20 years old and have been in my current relationship for 7 1/2 months. We have been living together for about 6 months and I am having second thoughts now. I know, I know, I should have seen it coming right?

Well my major problem is that I no longer have a car because we sold it to pay OUR bills and I don’t have a lot of money saved up. I don’t know if my family would take me in because they tried to help me with a similar problem at the end of last year. I want to break up with my boyfriend and go back to my life. But I don’t know how I would break it to him because he has no idea I feel this way. Plus I don’t know where I would go afterwards. Please Help me. ~Moved In Too Soon~

Dear MITS: The Bitter Single Guy sees two questions here…how do you do The Deed and extract yourself from this relationship, and where do you go after. Sadly, the BSG doesn’t have a lot to offer you for #2 since he doesn’t know your situation, but families will often look out for us longer than we think.

One option, if you and your clueless chap are not currently bleeding cash, is to hang out a little longer in the relationship until you get your financial legs under you. If you and Clueless Chap are getting deeper into financial doo-doo, the BSG recommends (as you seem to) getting out now. If that’s the case, couch-surfing may be an option.

For question #1 – how to do The Deed – the BSG is confident in his ability to help you. First thing MITS, stop beating yourself up for getting into a relationship that is now fizzling out. Goodness gracious, you’re 20 years old!  This is the time that you’re trying out relationships like pairs of jeans to see which one fits. Guess what? This one didn’t fit!  No biggy.

Feel free to use that metaphor with Clueless Chap when you dump him. Yes, it sounds mean to say that, but that’s what you’re about to do; and you know what? It’s OK. Everyone gets dumped eventually (it will happen to you if it hasn’t already, MITS). If you don’t use the BSG’s metaphor of trying on jeans, then at least be honest. Don’t tell him “it isn’t you, it’s me”, or “you deserve better”, or any of the other trite, insulting ways to break up with someone with whom you have no future. Tell him that you think your relationship has gone as far as it’s going to and you’re sorry for the pain this will cause. 

Good luck MITS, and welcome to the club.

Emotionally Unavailable Men

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I just broke up with my boyfriend of six months.  I think he was emotionally unavailable. He was quick out the gate, got my attention, and then just dropped off.  Not too mention he said he wasn’t in love with but he still wanted to be in a relationship with me.  Can you explain what an emotionally unavailable man is? Is this what my ex is? ~Confused By Men~

Dear CBM: In an exhaustive (45 second) review of internet literature on the term “emotionally unavailable”, the Bitter Single Guy encountered much psychological mumbo jumbo. The gist of the definition from the BSG’s perspective, is someone who is unable to commit emotionally to a relationship.

The BSG differentiates this somewhat from someone who is unwilling to commit emotionally to a relationship. In other words, just because your ex boyfriend didn’t want to be emotionally involved with you, doesn’t mean that he’s emotionally unavailable, it just means that he’s emotionally unwilling. In short CBM, your ex doesn’t seem that into you or the relationship.

Of course he was quick out of the gate and got your attention; the stereotype of men as hunters is only interesting because it’s often true! When you were a conquest, you were interesting and exciting. Once you had been caught, you were much like a goldfish in a bowl. Nice to have, but not really something you want to play with.

His reason for staying in the relationship is probably what many people’s reason is…it’s easier than breaking up.  Frankly CBM, the BSG is most surprised that your ex was willing to tell you that he didn’t love you but wanted to stay in a relationship with you.  The BSG hopes he writes in to ask why THAT didn’t work out as planned, since he obviously now finds himself unexpectedly single. “But Baby, why is LOVE necessary for our relationship?” Nice one, dude.

Chalk this one up to “It ran its course and then ended”, CBM. ~BSG~

When Stars Explode and It Hurts

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’ve known a man for a number of years and have always been crazy about him.  Our circumstances have always kept us from getting serious, although we are a perfect match and have had many great times together (there is even a TV show named after us).  

A few weeks ago he sent me a text telling me he wanted me.  I was half asleep and in total shock.  I wasn’t expecting that.  Given our history, I thought he must have been joking.  Yes, I want more than anything to be with him.  I have been in love with him for eleven years, even when we were in relationships with other people (and for the record, we never cheated on those people – we were just very distant friends).  But then all of a sudden I ceased to exist to him!  I have tried everything I can think of to get through to him, but NOTHING.  

The only thing I haven’t done is drive out to his house (I don’t want to be labeled a stalker).  I am dazed and confused by the entire episode.  I know it’s time to let it go and my head tells me that every day, but my heart can’t let go.  He could at least admit he didn’t mean it.  I’m a big girl, I can handle it.  But now one of my most valuable friendships is gone and I am totally devastated.  How could this have happened?  I still don’t know what really happened here. Thanks for letting me vent. ~Imaginary Lover~

Dear IL: The Bitter Single Guy is reminded, upon reading your letter, of the supernova of stars whereupon a star, after chugging along for millennia, collects enough energy and explodes in a fashion not unlike the opening ceremonies for the Beijing Olympics (how COOL was that?).

The BSG thinks that your Wishy-washy Wooer was also aware of the build-up of your mutual chemistry until it felt to him that he had to act in some fashion (the BSG suspects that alcohol could have been involved). This resulted in his supernova-esque text message to you.

Then, in the cold light of day, his out of control energy expended (and likely more sober), Wishy-washy Wooer realized that he had crossed a line and doesn’t know how to go back.  IL, there is probably a reason that you two have been dancing around each other for so long and that may be more in Wishy-washy Wooer’s mind than in yours. Either way, despite having a TV show named after you (what does that mean? Is it Will & Grace? 24? That’s So Raven? This seems important to the BSG), life rarely resembles sitcoms and this is likely to take more than 28 minutes to resolve.

The BSG recommends YOU reaching out to Wishy-washy Wooer and telling him that you recognize that his text may have gone to a new place in your relationship and that you know your friendship can survive this…blah, blah, blah.  You get the gist here, IL.  It’s up to you to fix this for Wishy-washy Wooer. ~BSG~

Overseas Sanity Check

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’m a successful business man in my early 30′s.  About 6 months ago I met the “girl of my dreams” while traveling out of country.  Right away we knew that our chemistry was unique and spoke about marriage as early as our 2nd date.  We talk everyday (for hours) and see each other every 4 to 5 weeks.

She’s a mature early 20′s with a strong “resume” in that she’s got her act together.  I’ve met her family and there are no red-flags.  She’s also met my parents (whom are good judges of character) and they liked her very much.

My question is whether this type of story ever works out?  The plan is to marry w/in 90 days of her arriving in the States (which will be approx 10 months after our initial meeting) due to the visa process.  We’ve obviously not lived together before.  We’re taking the big plunge in a big way.  

It’s worth mentioning that neither of us are people who would need to look very far to get a date.  Hence I can’t see desperation playing any role in our motivations. I’d appreciate any thoughts on this matter?~Know When It’s Right~

Dear KWIR: The Bitter Single Guy has to admit that he cringed a few times while reading your letter (cringes are the BSG equivalent of the red flags you mention). Here are the BSG’s concerns:

1.   You and your Overseas Orchid talked about marriage on the second date: Sorry KWIR, but that’s just uber-fast. Some could say that the BSG isn’t the person to whom you should go for validation of Love At First Sight, but since you’re here this is what you get. Second date is too soon for marriage talk.

2.   Overseas Orchid is in her early 20’s and you’re in your early 30’s: Much adult development happens in throughout the 20’s. Mature or not, Overseas Orchid has some development ahead of her and it’s possible her development will take her in a different direction. This is true of many 20-somethings.

3.   Overseas Orchid is from…well…overseas: She’s coming to your pad, eh KWIR? The BSG sees this as a huge potential obstacle. Overseas Orchid will be learning a new culture, navigating a new town, getting a new job, and meeting new friends. All the while, you’ll likely continue to occasionally travel outside the country for work…making her adjustment that much tougher. The BSG can tell you that this will be a HUGE stressor for you both and there is no easy way to prepare for it. The BSG thinks this will be what will end up sending your Overseas Orchid back to her home or at least to your local chapter of Moved Here for Love and It Didn’t Work Out.

KWIR, doom and gloom aside (if you’re not already sobbing uncontrollably from the BSG’s attack on your lovely marriage plans), the BSG also sees some good things here:

1.   You’ve met her family: Your plan to take Overseas Orchid away from her family could inspire any parent to react badly; the fact that they seem to approve is on your side.

2.   She’s met your parents: Same point…parents are notorious for seeing the worst in potential mates for their children. If your mother doesn’t believe that Overseas Orchid is warming up to you for a free trip to the States, you’re well along the way to familial harmony.

3.   Love: OK, the BSG will say it. Sometimes a strong measure of good old-fashioned love can go a long way to jumping obstacles. If you had told the BSG that you were mostly convinced, but just going along for the ride, he would predict your demise in weeks.

 In summary KWIR, the BSG doesn’t recommend this marriage. He thinks that you and Overseas Orchid should consider cohabitating for a trial run to see how it goes.  As a side note, it was helpful for the BSG to hear that you believe you can check desperation off the list, since you’re both on the hot side of fence.  The BSG has recently been getting lots of letters from the hotties…where are the average folks? Hmmm… ~BSG~