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Wank and Spank Stupidity

December 30th, 2008 | 1 Comment | Posted in Random Crap

Dear Bitter Single Guy: The issue I have with him is porn. Not the fact that he looks at it on the internet, but the fact that he denies it. Way back, when we first were talking he specifically made a comment to me about masturbating once or twice a day. A few months later when we became more serious I made a comment about it and he totally denied it. Not denying that he said it, but that it was still the case; that he does so 1 or 2 times a day. Silly. After we moved in together I was able to figure out that he has a schedule. He wakes up a few hours after I leave for work, checks his email, checks a couple of websites, then hits the porn. Usually he only does it once a day but sometimes twice. What do you know, just like he had told me before. I’ve told him I don’t care, I just don’t want to be lied to. He still tells me he doesn’t lie to me. I don’t know anyone who looks at porn for 30+ minutes and doesn’t masturbate. No matter what I tell myself. Do tell him to go over his browsing history with me (he doesn’t delete it) so I can at least get a freakin answer here or do I just make more attempts at not letting it get to me which so far have just made me more bitter. ~Caught Him Redhanded~

Dear CHR: The Bitter Single Guy usually doesn’t answer sexual questions because frankly, they creep him out a little. He felt like he had to step up to your question though, and to come to your Randy Romeo’s defense somewhat.

It seems CHR, that you’ve got a good 21st century handle on the fact that most (probably all) guys masturbate and (the BSG hears) a good number of girls, too. That said, the BSG would also say that most folks still consider it to be a pretty private experience and not one that should be shared in polite company.

If you’re so OK with Randy Romeo rubbing one off to some innocent porn, what are you so worked up about?  You say that you can’t stand being lied to, but the BSG suspects that there is something else lurking here. Is Randy Romeo “giving it up” to the online babes and not saving any for you? If your sex life is suffering because Randy Romeo isn’t “up to the challenge” due to his daily solo battles, then the BSG thinks you have a definite argument.

Otherwise the BSG thinks you’re coming off a bit schoolmarm-ish. Really, CHR…you “don’t mind, you just don’t want to be lied to”? That sounds like something someone’s domineering mom would say as she talked through her teenaged son’s bedroom door about his afternoon “personal time”.

Perhaps the BSG has defensiveness about his own “personal time”, but as long as the physical part of your relationship is all-systems-go, he thinks you’re the one with the issue here, not Randy Romeo. If you are actually creeped out a little by the thought of him beating off to porn, then address that as the real concern; but let go of this “I just want him to tell the truth” crap. ~BSG~

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Boyfriend is a Hidden Bisexual

December 27th, 2008 | 9 Comments | Posted in Cheaters

Dear Bitter Single Guy: My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years. For the past year I’ve been having dreams of him being with a man. I’ve told him about the dreams and he would laugh and say “no I’m not gay”. Last month I did what most paranoid girlfriends do and snooped on his computer. I found an email account I didn’t know he had and logged in. I found emails from gay men, some of them very explicit. He even told one guy where he lived (his address).

Of course I was shocked so I confronted him about it and he told me he was just confused and that he knew he was straight now. Every time I bring it up he gets very angry. I need answers and I don’t feel like he’s telling the truth. Would it be wrong of me to put software on his computer that will show me what he’s been doing? I love him but this paranoia is running me crazy! ~Don’t Wanna Share~

Dear DWS: The Bitter Single Guy admits that when he read that you had been having dreams about your boyfriend being with a man, he was ready to poo-poo your paranoia, but it certainly appears to have gone beyond dreaming.

First though, the BSG has to answer your question: Yes. Emphatically yes, it would be wrong of you to put software on his computer that will show you what he’s been up to. Really DWS? You want to be that person? Are you running a prison? Besides, what do you think you’ll learn that you don’t already know?

Here’s the deal, DWS. You suspect your boyfriend is bisexual? The BSG believes you’re correct. What your Baffled Beau is defining as “confusion” is actually bisexuality. The BSG has to say though…this isn’t necessarily a bad thing for him in the larger scheme of things! It means that as his life unfolds, he gets to have rewarding relationships with women AND men!  It’s sad for those of us limited to just the one gender <sigh>.

However DWS, it’s not OK for him to explore this side of himself while he’s in a committed relationship with you. So the issue here is not whether or not he’s attracted to men, but whether he’s going to compromise his committed relationship in order to explore this other side.

The BSG believes that this should be your stance: “I don’t care who you’re attracted to; if you pursue other people for romance or sex you’re cheating on our relationship and that’s not OK”. Sadly DWS, the BSG also believes this is likely to be the end of your relationship. The BSG has watched the Coming-Out-Of-The-Closet process before and the beginnings of it often look like you describe. Doubtless your Baffled Beau wishes he were completely straight, but that ship seems to have sailed.

The BSG recommends being as compassionate for Baffled Beau as you can be as he navigates these new waters, but also recommends that you set a firm boundary about what your commitment means. ~BSG~

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Tired of The Yo-Yo

December 20th, 2008 | 7 Comments | Posted in Stay Or Go?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I pretty much know the answer to this question but I need someone objective to beat it into me.  A little over a year ago I became involved in a lesbian relationship with a co-worker.  First it was all hot and heavy sex in the company bathroom and sleep-overs almost every night.  But because she just had left a long relationship she kept telling me she didn’t want to date. 

Sometimes though, calling me her girlfriend, then other times reminding me weren’t “together.” Whenever I seemed to broach the subject, she got jumpy.  I don’t know if this is because she just got out of a relationship or because she just wasn’t so into me but it seemed like she was from all the texts and sleeping over.  Anyway we had a few major blow-outs that would end with her saying she just wanted to be friends but eventually we’d end up back in bed and seemed to be “dating” again. 

A few months ago, after a blow-out I ended up sleeping with a man and getting pregnant.  The night before I “took care” of the pregnancy I find out she slept with one of my close friends.  I think out of feelings of guilt for what she did and what I was going through, she said she realized she loved me and wanted to “work it out” with me, even bringing up moving in together.  Two weeks later I pissed her off and she dumped me….via text message.  So there was no “work” behind the “working it out.”  My question is should I be angry about getting strung along and why do people do that? And if I’m not over her, how can we friends?  Granted we still work together…which majorly sucks! ~In Over My Head~

Dear IOMH: Gracious girl, you ARE in a pickle aren’t you? There is much to say here, but you’re not asking the BSG how to avoid getting into similar pickles next time (although he has some opinions there).  Your question specifically is whether you should be angry about being strung along and why people act that way.  Good question IOMH.

First it’s important to know that your Fickle Fig wasn’t likely trying to send mixed messages or string you along. She was trying to, as we all occasionally do, balance her head and her heart. Her head was likely telling her (and you, via her mouth) that a relationship was a bad idea, while her heart (and various other parts, apparently) were sending a very different message. This isn’t because Fickle Fig is a bad person, but is just because in order to broker peace between her head and her heart, she had compromised for both. 

As this all progressed however, she had the chance to set some better boundaries and chose not to. It’s clear that Fickle Fig isn’t likely to set any useful boundaries where you’re concerned, so you and the BSG both know that it’s up to you.  

Based on your experiences with relationships recently, the BSG recommends you spend some time single; hanging out with friends and taking care of yourself after some difficult times. If you miss the physical parts (so to speak) of your relationship with Fickle Fig (or the dude you slept with), well the BSG hears that there are appliances for that…appliances that always set good boundaries and never send mixed messages.  ~BSG~

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Avoiding Long Distance Drama

December 19th, 2008 | 1 Comment | Posted in Stay Or Go?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I am 19 years old, and I am currently taking a year off from school. I am set to go to Brown next year. Around a month ago I met a guy online. We clicked fast, really fast. We don’t have everything in common, but we kind of complement each other. I saw him online and he saw me. We are both attracted to each other. We talked for hours, and texted each other often. I have never felt this way about anyone before. He has had many girlfriends before, I have had only one boyfriend. But this is the first time I think I’ve fallen in love with someone.

There was one huge problem however, I live in Miami and he lives in Indianapolis. After weeks of this going on I became confused and worried that this was not going to work. After all we live very far from each other and I am going to start school in another state. I have heard that most long term relationships don’t work. I told him this one day. Later that day he told me that he loved me and that he had never felt about anyone this way. He is also willing to wait for me. All this went on in less than a month. I love talking to him, and I have feelings for him. At the same time, we live far. Also, I have not dated more guys and I feel that if I fall too far for this guy I will be missing many opportunities in the future. After hours of talking we came to the conclusion that we need to stop talking to each other until I figure out what I want. Either way he told me that he loves me. I am very confused. I don’t know what to do. Help? ~Looking At Long Distance~

Dear LALD: You’re right, this isn’t going to work.

The Bitter Single Guy doesn’t feel like stringing you along like Long-Distance Lad is doing, so he’s just saying it out loud: this relationship is doomed. The pressure of long distance, you not being sure what you want and starting school will all prove to be too much for your fledgling love.

Tell Long-Distance Lad that you love him too, but one of you has to be strong for both of you (suddenly, this is like an after-school special), so you have to tell him goodbye. Go to college, meet boys, have dates…it’s your destiny. ~BSG~

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Roommates and Relationships

December 18th, 2008 | 1 Comment | Posted in What The Hell?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I live with one of my best friends, who also happens to be a very attractive person of the opposite sex.  We get along great, better than any roommates I know of, and I love living with him.  We spend a ton of time together, cook dinner together almost every night, feel completely comfortable with each other and are basically like “family”.  Our friends joke that we are like an old married couple. 

The problem is that despite our better judgment, we keep ending up in bed together; especially if we have been drinking.  The sex is great and it doesn’t actually seem to have a negative affect (yet) on our friendship.  I am assuming that eventually this will change, and our indiscretions will lead to someone getting hurt and the destruction of our friendship.  Also, because we are so comfortable with each other and have such a good time hanging out with each other, I feel as though we are both putting a very minimal effort into dating and meeting new people. 

I don’t want him to move out and I don’t think that either of is really wants to give up the occasional night of drinking either, but I don’t know how else to handle this.  I never want to lose this guy as a friend and it seems as though that is where this will lead.  Can you offer any advice on how we might go about making more responsible decisions in the future?  Keep in mind that every time something happens we immediately sit down and talk about it… This isn’t something that we have neglected to discuss or try to find ways of preventing on our own. ~Randy Roommate~

Dear RR: The Bitter Single Guy (and most of his readers, he suspects) wonders what the problem is here? You’re living with a guy you’re attracted to (who is also apparently attracted to you), you enjoy each other’s time, cook meals together, aren’t really interested in other people, and have great sex after a few drinks.

RR you have a boyfriend!  Congratulations; the BSG is happy to be the first to tell you, although he thinks it could have been obvious, yes? Maybe not.

Now the BSG knows that you’re saying “No, that’s not the point!  We’re just friends!” Well the BSG thinks the lady doth protest too much. There are readers out there who would love to be in a relationship like this one. Heck, even the BSG would be unlikely to toss this one out on its ear.

RR if the problem is that you don’t actually want to be in a relationship with this Charming Chap, the BSG might wonder why, but he would respect that decision. In that case, the BSG would say that you need some distance. If you two continue this fiction that you’re actually just roommates and one of you gets an actual date, much heartbreak and drama will ensue. Trust the BSG here…this is a time bomb.

If you’re so good at talking about why you had sex after a few drinks (the BSG thinks this would be a fast conversation: “Wow! So once my inhibitions were lowered a little, my consistent attraction to you made me want to do intimate touchy stuff with you, again! Glad we talked about that, aren’t you?”) then you should be pretty good at talking about the fact that YOU’RE IN A RELATIONSHIP. Good luck and tell us all how it goes, RR. ~BSG~

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