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Washed Up in an Emotional Storm

January 26th, 2009 | No Comments | Posted in Random Crap

Dear Bitter Single Guy:  I am emotionally fucked. Recently my bf and I broke up, so I guess he’s my ex now… lol. We were/are PERFECT for each other, except one thing: our attitudes towards emotions/relationships. He is emotionally dead, okay maybe not dead, but he has been hurt before and therefore seized up when our relationship became real and therefore he stopped showing me how he felt about me consistently. I have a history of being ignored, treated like a trophy, forgotten, and plain old just treated poorly, and this makes me aggressive and insecure in my relationships. I am a ball of emotion, you will get it all, and it will change seemingly on a whim. Yikes. We both know we need to change, but I don’t know how to change, because I just react. Help! ~Emotional Nightmare~

Dear EN: The Bitter Single Guy is concerned about the combination of someone who is emotionally dead (more on that momentarily) and someone who is aggressive and insecure in relationships. How, the BSG wonders, can you or your Listless Lad even consider staying together with neither of you able to provide what the other needs? The BSG suspects that, as is often the case, there’s more going on here.

First, the BSG has to gentle poke at the idea of your boyfriend (ex-boyfriend) as emotionally dead. Really EN? The BSG thinks it’s more likely that in your heightened sense of emotionality, he appears emotionally lacking, when in fact he’s more or less normal-ish. It’s not uncommon for men (and sometimes women) to “seize up” when a relationship gets serious. Serious relationships require commitment and compromise and suddenly you can’t go out with the guys if you want and if your eyes wander to the busty babe at the next table in the restaurant you’re in trouble and then suddenly you’re figuring out how to get all your belongings into one medicine cabinet…*shudder*. The BSG uses this chilling (to other guys) example to illustrate that seizing up isn’t necessarily a sign of emotional health (or its lack), but can be a sign of emotional immaturity. But all that said, the BSG doesn’t usually get very far trying to diagnose people who don’t write to him, so let’s get back to you EN.

The answer for you is shorter. You know that you react emotionally, that you’re aggressive and insecure, and that your needs change on a whim. Knowing these things is the first step to solving them, but asking that Listless Lad be the one to fix all these issues (or to simply live with them) is a bit much, don’t you think? The BSG recommends you getting some outside help on this. Specifically the BSG recommends a counselor or a group where you can learn and practice some new behaviors that will hopefully calm the storm that your emotions seem to be.

Otherwise you should seek a chap who is so rock-solid in his own emotional confidence that there is plenty of room for you to rage around emotionally without causing any damage to your relationship.

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Long Distance Love

January 22nd, 2009 | No Comments | Posted in Stay Or Go?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: To start off I love your website. It has really given me an insight in relationships that I haven’t had before.

Well here I go. I am 19 years old. I took a year off from school because of financial reasons. I’ve only had one previous relationship until a couple of months ago. I met this guy through an online game and clicked with him. He is 21 and lives in Indiana (I live in Florida). We talked for some weeks and we started developing feelings towards each other. He told me that I am everything he has ever looked for, and also that he would love to be with me forever.

When he told me that I became really confused because after all I am still very young. We decided to stop talking for some days and after a couple of days we started talking again. We have deep feelings towards each other and I really do love him. I am worried what might happen in the future. He told me that for him the long distance did not matter and after I start school in fall we will be able to see each other more frequently (I am going to school in Rhode Island).

What specifically worries me is that we are very different. We have different ideas in religion, society, music, books, etc. Even through all of this he still loves me and he still tells me he wants to be with me forever. I am still really skeptical and scared. What can I do? ~In Long Distance Love~

Dear ILDL: The Bitter Single Guy thinks you are one of the smartest and most eloquent 19 year olds who have ever written him! He has high hopes for your future, ILDL.  That aside, the BSG doesn’t think your relationship has any hopes whatsoever.

First, because he’s that literal guy, the BSG had to do a quick check of Lion-Hearted Lad’s math. The BSG’s quick look found that, even assuming the middle of Florida (Orlando) and not the end, the difference in miles between Florida and Indiana isn’t really much more than the distance from Rhode Island to Indiana. Perhaps the BSG has a different take on the whole space-time continuum, but this was his first suspicion that Lion-Hearted Lad is not firing on all cylinders.

Mileage estimates aside ILDL, the BSG just has to tell you that the chances of this relationship working out are similar to the chances of winning the lottery. And, like the lottery, there are people who occasionally win and it is fun to think about how great it would be to win, but that doesn’t change the fact that the VAST majority of folks who hope they win the lottery don’t. Similarly, the vast majority of folks who enter into a long-distance relationship with the hopes that it will be successful are disappointed.

Here’s what you have to do ILDL: tell Lion-Hearted Lad that you care deeply for him and look forward to continuing your long distance communication once you get to school, but that you can’t be in a long distance relationship with him. At this point, the BSG thinks you can safely make an excuse up, or can be honest with him. It won’t matter much because if Lion-Hearted Lad is willing to make a forever-promise to someone he only communicates with online, then he’s going to make up whatever story he wants to explain your departure.

But depart you must. Otherwise, you’ll drag this out and be forced to end it when it just gets weirder than it already is.

By the way, please don’t tell the BSG that your love for Lion-Hearted Lad hasn’t yet included exchanging pictures of each other or a live conversation on the phone. If that’s true, the BSG wants to take back some of his comments about your brilliance in the beginning of his letter. If that’s true, he wants you to let the common sense voice in your head (that you’ve been drowning out for the past months) finally be heard. Good luck in school. ~BSG~

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Afraid of Gay Men

January 20th, 2009 | No Comments | Posted in Can't Get A Date

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’m afraid of gay men, but I’m gay.  Funny how it’s come to work out, because I’ve been out of the closet longer than most of my gay peers. Most of my friends are straight.  I do a good job of making people laugh, I actually am pretty decent looking, and I’m smarter than most… but I am petrified of other gay men.

I’ve lately come to joke about myself being a spinster.  Really, it’s got a good sound to it; makes you sound freewheeling, active.  Not at all like what it actually means. But I don’t want to end up a BSG.  Speaking of which; why is a BSG necessarily the one to be giving advice? ~Parsley Pear~

Dear PP: The Bitter Single Guy is giving advice because he has the brilliant experience of having made nearly all the mistakes already and he’s willing to pass that invaluable wisdom to his readers (and to you). The immediate benefit for you PP, is that the BSG’s infinite experience lets him tell you that you’re not all that unique! Although the twist for you is that you’re a gay man afraid of gay men, there are tons of straight BSG readers who are afraid of the opposite sex or, more appropriately, afraid of their potential for success relating and dating with those nice folks. The BSG is hoping you don’t actually fear your Gay Brothers (and Lesbian Sisters) as if they’re going to hurt you. That’s a different problem.

The BSG is pretty sure that what you mean is that you’re not sure how to approach the whole dating thang within your tribe. The BSG knows that there is as much variability among The Gays as there is among The Straights, so he recommends you not think of your tribe as one homogeneous (pun intended…the BSG cracks himself up) group of scary potential dates. There are undoubtedly other friendly gay men who are similarly shy. You need to find them.

First, you need to get yourself a good old-fashioned gay friend. The BSG recommends, as he does for all his readers trying to get a date, that you start by joining some sort of club. A bowling league or a pottery class; some hobby-adjacent activity where you can safely meet similar folks. Then, just like in middle school, you make a friend, you have some coffee (OK, maybe not coffee in middle school, but you get the BSG’s drift), you laugh and carry on. The BSG isn’t recommending that you date this new friend (although if the vibe is there, go for it), but instead that you allow your new gay friend to slowly introduce you to the fun of hanging out with folks who have similar *ahem* interests.

Therapists call this process Systematic Desensitization, PP. Look that up in Google and you’ll see fascinating references to Little Albert and a White Rabbit and you’ll learn how the Psychological community came to be embarrassed by itself. It’s one of the BSG’s favorite stories.  But bunny rabbits aside, Systematic Desensitization is a great way to introduce something scary into your life in a non-scary way. Good luck, PP. ~BSG~

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Digging Your Own Grave

January 19th, 2009 | 1 Comment | Posted in Dumped

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have a hard time staying in relationships when things don’t go my way. I find it easier to just up and leave. I don’t think I’ve had a single friend or boyfriend for more than a few years. All of my boyfriends tell me the same thing “You will never be happy with anyone”. It wasn’t always this way; I was engaged early in life. We fought one anniversary and I said I wouldn’t be there when he got home, but I was when he brought another woman home; I never really got over it.

Now when I start to get feelings for someone I make it utterly impossible for them to stay with me. My fear is that I’m ruined for life and everyone I get close to will leave me eventually. Just to make sure that’s not the case I will fight so dirty and hurt any feeling I can. I don’t want to be bitter anymore but I can’t stop. What do you do when you’re the problem? I guess my question is how to get over it so it doesn’t happen with the man I’m with now. He has put up with so much from me and continues to take it with a grain of salt I can see him wearing thin and I’m about to lose him. ~Digging My Own Grave~

Dear DMOG: The Bitter Single Guy is so proud of you for reaching out for help! The first thing you need to do is have a talk with your current boyfriend and tell him that you know he’s wearing thin and that you know that you do things that make it tough to be with you.

Next, and this is the important part DMOG, get some help. Clearly getting over this isn’t something that’s going to happen in time or it would have happened. You can’t wait around for someone to be patient enough to put up with your shit for years to come and you don’t want to wait around for a relationship that also becomes a therapy session. The BSG promises that you don’t want that.

If you can’t afford therapy, there are all sorts of support groups in cities around the country. Find a support group of people who can’t make relationships work and listen to other people’s experience as a way to better understand your own.

DMOG, this will take time and effort on your part, and the BSG is glad to hear that you’re ready to fix it. Good luck. ~BSG~

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Bipolar love disorder

January 17th, 2009 | 1 Comment | Posted in What The Hell?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: So apparently this is a guy advice site but it’s not like a guy wouldn’t understand the other side of my situation which is exactly what I need. I’ve liked this guy for so long. He’s funny, cute, nice, and athletic but I can never tell if he likes me or not. Literally one week he liked some really plain girl and then that weekend he tried to pull a move on me. These things are constantly happening with him being really flirty sometimes and ignoring me others. Am I just overprotective? Or what? ~He’s Not Understandable~

Dear HNU: Firstly, the BSG should clarify that his advice is for all shapes, sizes and genders, not just guys (as is likely apparent if you read some of the BSG’s other advice). The Bitter Single Guy is going to infer from your letter that you are somewhere under the age of 30, or at least that your Fickle Fellow is. Given that, the BSG will tell you that many folks; men, women, what have you, are fickle in their romantic tastes.

The BSG suspects that Fickle Fellow is simply casting his rod (so to speak) into as many pools as possible in order to see what bites. Some of those pools will be plainer than some others, but Fickle Fellow probably knows that sometimes it’s the quietest pools that can deliver the best fish. The BSG is getting uncomfortable with this metaphor, so will speak more plainly.

If you like him, tell him. If he is interested, you’ll go out on a date and head happily into the sunset. But the BSG suspects that funny, cute, nice, athletic guy will likely enjoy the attention he gets playing the field in which case you should probably move on. ~BSG~

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