The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

We’re Not in Kansas Anymore

Dear Bitter Single Guy:  4yr relationship ends badly.

Curiosity leads to online dating.  Met some dudes.  Some great dudes. One seemingly particularly great dude.

Six months of heaven with awesome online dude ends suddenly, with a no-show and severed contact.  No, he was not hospitalized or dead in a ditch, just an asshole.  A 35yr old asshole with kids.

In my dismayed idiocy, I on the one hand contacted a previous great dude, and on the other ran headlong into the arms of a good friend who had professed love for me.  Kill me.  Kill me now.

I have no trust or optimism for a long term relationship right now.  I thought our friendship could bridge that, it can’t.  I need a break.  Or at least, I’m back to needing that break from serious that I never really took.  Long time friend = instant serious.  Sigh.

Dude #2 from online is many wonderful things including very sexy.  I will have a hard time putting that down to take a break especially since *I* initiated the contact…  but if something meaningful grows between us it would be so hurtful to my friend, who is also many wonderful things and is, well, my friend…

OPTIONS:  do I have to ditch both of them and play the asshole card twice (I know, I know, I already did.)?   Do I let down my friend and see what happens with online dude?  If things develop with online dude, do I just hope my friend’s feelings change??  Ugh. ~Disgusted With Myself~

Dear DWM: Gracious, you DO need a break! OK, the Bitter Single Guy is glad you wrote him…triage is required when there are as many bleeders as you have going on here. Let’s divide and conquer shall we, DWM?

Friend Who Is Now Serious: Here’s how you’ll break it off (and you must break it off). You’ll invite him for coffee (the BSG does not recommend alcohol) at a place that is public but provides sufficient privacy for a conversation and sufficient proximity to a door for him to stalk out angrily without breaking anything. This is his right.

At the coffee shop, acknowledge that you turned to him in your heartbroken despair because you knew he was safe and because you knew he had feelings for you. Acknowledge that you were inconsiderate of his feelings and that you realize you have seriously damaged your friendship with him. Your reason for talking about all of this up front is that no amount of mewling and whining about your fragile state will prevent him from coming to these exact conclusions once he’s stalked out of the coffee shop. If you admit and acknowledge your errors, the BSG thinks you’re much more likely to save your friendship.

Online Dude #2: Similarly meet Online Dude #2 at a coffee shop, but the BSG recommends switching coffee shops so the employees don’t think you’re some compulsive breakup person. At coffee with Online Dude #2, tell him that you find him ridiculously sexy and friendly, but that you realize that you’ve created a bit of a relationship morass between your recently ended relationships and the ones you’re managing now (the BSG really hopes you didn’t tell him you were exclusive). Tell him that you’d like to call him in a month once you have a chance to clear your head.

If Online Dude #2 is interested, then truly don’t call him for a month and after that the BSG recommends taking it somewhat slowly.

Overall DWM, you and the BSG seem to have come to the same conclusion. You were in whirlwind of rebound relationships that resembled Dorothy in the tornado. Naturally, when things get that out of control it’s time to sit the hell down and stop the madness. Stop the madness, DWM. ~BSG~

Disappearing Men

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have been dating this guy for about a month and recently I had been pretty busy (finals, holidays, and work), so not a lot of time was made for him. My phone was broken for a few days, so I sent him a friendly email asking him to send me his number. He read it and didn’t respond. I got a new phone today, and received a text sent a few days ago asking me to let him know when my phone was working again. I texted him and we made small talk for a bit. I asked him if he wanted to get together tonight and he didn’t respond.

Before I went MIA for a week, everything was great. He seemed really interested and then all of a sudden he wants nothing to do with me. It’s not the first time, so I kind of have to wonder if it’s me or if it’s just men? If it is me, what is so difficult about being a grown-up and telling me that we shouldn’t see each other anymore? Why be a coward and make me wonder what happened?

P.S. What would you become if you started dating someone? Would it be Bitter Taken Guy, or would you not be bitter anymore? Just curious, I had to ask. ~Disappearing Act is Getting Old~

Dear DAGO: To your last question, the Bitter Single Guy, like many of his readers, wanders in and out of Relationship Land. But he can say without hesitation that he’s never been Bitter Taken Guy. Scary.

Next, the BSG has to tell you that with the exception of a ownership of a penis, there isn’t anything that is true about all men (and some would argue the penis point). So, if you have a pattern of men disappearing on you, the BSG will go ahead and tell you: yes, it’s you. Or at least part of it is.

Regarding your Cold Chap, the BSG doesn’t think he acted very maturely. Like you, the BSG believes the world would be a better place if people would be able and willing to simply say what’s going on for them. But in this case, the BSG doesn’t think that Cold Chap would have said he didn’t want to see you anymore. He thinks it might go something like this:

Hi DAGO. I really enjoyed my time with you and thought we had something going, but when you disappeared for a week after we had just been going out for a few weeks, it seemed that you weren’t interested in dating me anymore and that kind of hurt. Yeah, I know that you contacted me after you got less busy and got your phone back, but while you were gone I went through a whole cycle of anger, denial, sadness and acceptance. You see DAGO, the time it takes to go through all the stages of a breakup is a direct reflection of the length of the relationship. Sadly, for a one month relationship, I had pretty much grieved and gotten over you in about a day and half. So, I’m glad you’re ready to date again; I wish you luck in your next relationship.

Nice guy, eh DAGO? The BSG thinks that this is what he MIGHT say if he was willing and able to be honest with you. Maybe there’s a tiny bit of this that you have some responsibility for. Just maybe. ~BSG~

When Lust Fades

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Recently I asked my boyfriend of almost 3 years if he still ‘lusted’ after me; his reply was ‘not as much anymore but I still do.’ I am completely heart broken from his response and can’t stop thinking about it. How should I really be taking this and is it even worth fretting over? ~Heading for Spinsterhood~

Dear HFS: The Bitter Single Guy is shaking his finger at you: *tsk, tsk, tsk*. A question like “Do you still lust after me?” is a leading question, HFS. You were obviously looking to trap him into telling you the truth (which he did), or you were fishing for a compliment. In either case you set your Baffled Beau up for a no-win situation.

Here’s the thing, HFS. Lust is a tough feeling to maintain for years and years. Usually it cools a little to (hopefully) plain old desire, but the BSG doesn’t want you to knock desire! It may not have the gut-wrenching, job-endangering, friend-losing energy that lust does, but it’ll carry you for more years than lust will.

The BSG would, if your Baffled Beau had written to him, counsel him to have a smoother answer to your leading question than “not as much anymore, but I still do.” That clearly didn’t do him any favors, but no amount of smooth delivery would have saved you from hearing the truth. What you have now is the choice that every person in a long term relationship has:

1.       Dump Baffled Beau because you’re not going to be happy without the butterflies and obsessive lust of a new relationship.

2.       Learn to live like an adult and find new ways to keep monogamy interesting and exciting if not lustful.

The BSG bets you know which one he recommends. ~BSG~

Cheating in His Mind

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’ve been dating a man since June 2008 and we have an intimate relationship as well.  Over the past few weeks he has been forgetting my name when talking about me to his and my friends and has been calling me by my best friend’s name (this even happened the last time we spent the night together — he uttered her name twice). 

This really bothers me but he keeps insisting that I’m making a mountain out of a mole hill.  My name is my identity.  I have spoken to a few other people (both men and women) about this and their immediate reaction is to dump him and never look back.  My best friend is absolutely devastated because she has never been interested in him.  My gut instinct is to dump him like my friends have told me.  What do you think? ~Seems Simple To Me~

Dear SSTM: The Bitter Single Guy understands why you’d bring this concern to him and not to the many other advice hacks out there.  Usually the BSG can be counted on to tell you to dump some poor slob simply for the lesson it will teach. The BSG is sure that you hear the “but” that’s coming, SSTM. 

The only reason the BSG would say that you should dump this Forgetful Fellow would be if you thought he was actually cheating (or hoping to) with your best friend. You seem confident that your best friend isn’t diddling your boyfriend behind your back, so then you need to determine whether he’s hoping to make his move soon, or if he is just (in a sad, pathetic sort of way) imagining being with her while he’s with you. That, SSTM, would just be tacky.

But (and there’s the “but”, SSTM) the BSG is concerned that you say that your name is your identity.  It turns out that your name isn’t your identity at all! With fewer pen strokes than it took you to write the BSG you could change your name. Good hell, with a qualified surgeon and some chemical support, you can change your gender!  Through any of these changes, or even through nothing more than a drastic change of wardrobe, your identity always remains securely intact SSTM.  You are you and no string of letters jotted on a birth certificate will change that.

If you’re considering dumping Forgetful Fellow just because he’s forgetful, the BSG thinks you’re over reacting. Otherwise, the BSG is reminded of a line from a classic Reba McEntire song: “He said ‘Have you ever cheated on me.’ And I said ‘Only in my mind.’” Thanks Reba. ~BSG~

How Do I Move On?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: My ex and I decided to see other people recently. We still live together, pay bills together, share a car. I’ve started seeing someone new and he’s been really good about the situation. I want to begin a relationship with this new guy but my ex still thinks of us as a couple and that we’ll get back together. What can I do? ~Confused About Next Steps~

Dear CANS: Move out.

~BSG~