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Dumped for a Baby Daddy (maybe)

February 27th, 2009 | No Comments | Posted in Dumped

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Me and my girl have been having a few problems the past few months. She broke up with me a few days ago. I spoke with her 2 days later and told her how I felt about her and that I still wanna be with her. While I was doing this she was smiling like she was flattered, so I took it as a good sign. When I was done she told me she just needs a break, time for herself and said please just let me do this. I will do this cuz maybe I need that time too. I just don’t want anyone else to come in the picture. Oh she also has a baby daddy for her 1 year old son… What should I do because I do want to get back together? ~Not Done Yet~

Dear NDY: The Bitter Single Guy is feeling out of touch because, while he’s heard the term “baby daddy”, he doesn’t exactly know what it means in this context. NDY, does it mean that she has a 1 year old son with a daddy-figure who she’s not romantically involved with? Does it mean she’s shopping for a daddy for her 1 year old? This is confusing for the BSG. He knows that there was a movie called Baby Daddy (or something like that) with relatively major stars and the BSG has actually heard Oprah use the term ‘baby daddy’, but he didn’t really understand it then either. He thought it was shorthand for “her baby’s daddy” which sounds pretty straightforward, but doesn’t really describe the mother’s relationship with the father, and doesn’t really accommodate the baby growing older. Can a 22 year old be the ‘baby’ in a baby-daddy scenario? So confusing.

Oh by the way NDY, you were dumped and your relationship is over. The BSG gets that you’re not ready for it to be over and he gets that you want to get back together, but the Baby Mommy (going forward referred to as your ‘ex’) doesn’t agree.

Someone else is likely to get into the picture; that’s a common occurrence after a breakup. If you’re lucky, she’ll miss you and it will be you. Take a deep breath and say it with the BSG: “I’ve been dumped.” Now get some of your buddies to take you out for inappropriate amounts of cheap beer (or premium ice cream, whatever your poison) and start the necessary process of grieving. ~BSG~

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Bisexual Guy’s Love Triangle

February 24th, 2009 | 1 Comment | Posted in What The Hell?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: First off, I’ll give you the background of my situation.  I’m a guy and I was in a monogamous relationship with a girl for a year.  Three months ago, I met this guy online and we went out and hooked up.  I told my girlfriend that I’d hooked up with someone and the stress of our coast to coast relationship had gotten the best of me and she decided it would be ok for us to go back to an open relationship, but then finally broke up with me a month into it.

Well, since then I’ve gotten really close to this guy, even though he’s only 22 and I’m 40.  To put it straight (BSG: pun intended?), he is the greatest guy I’ve ever met and one of the most fulfilling relationships I could ever want.  To be fair, he is incredibly good looking and talented.  And, we both have considerable finances relative to our ages.  It’s only been 3 months, but I’ve never felt this way about another man.  But, we both are honest about our other relationships and we’re both dating quite a bit.

Now, to complicate matters, I’ve just met a great girl and we went out on a date and kissed and are going to go see each other again.  I think as long as I’m honest, things will work out the best.  But my question is: do you think a girl in today’s society would ever be in an open relationship with a bisexual guy or is that out of the question? ~Kid in a Candy Store~

Dear KICS: For nearly a decade, the Bitter Single Guy has been dispensing advice to his faithful readers (I know ya’ll…TEN YEARS!) and he finds in the past few years that more people – men and women both – find themselves moving between the genders in their relationships. There are folks who believe that human sexuality exists on a continuum and some folks are all the way over on one side (totally straight or totally gay) and there are some folks who fall somewhere in the middle.

Truly, the BSG doesn’t know exactly what he thinks about this theory, but he has definitely gotten more letters like yours in the past few years, so he’ll let everyone draw their own conclusions from that.

The real gist here KICS has very little to do with your bisexual status and more to do with that hum-drum problem of managing a relationship in the midst of constant temptation. The BSG has seen, and is sure that some of his readers will concur, that we never seem more appetizing than when we already have a date. This is the dating equivalent of Murphy’s Law, maybe?

That aside KICS, let the BSG see if he can summarize your problem.

  • You were in a long-distance relationship (with a girl).
  • You met a sweet young thing online (a guy) and hooked up.
  • Now you find yourself getting close to hook-up-guy, making you think it wasn’t as no-strings-attached as it seemed. (welcome to the club; it rarely is)
  • Now, since getting closer to Sweet Young Thing, you’ve met someone ELSE (a girl) and plan to see her again.

Your question (to summarize) is if New Girl will be OK with you dating someone else, specifically a male someone else. Gracious KICS, there is so much to work with here. Here goes:

  • Hoping that New Girl is down with you dating someone else seems plausible.
  • Hoping that New Girl is down with you dating a guy, seems less plausible.
  • Hoping New Girl is down with you dating a hot, young guy seems downright unlikely. (you don’t say, but the BSG is assuming that New Girl is closer to your age.)

You see KICS, there is no way New Girl can think of Sweet Young Thing as anything other than competition for your affection. And vice versa by the way…have you wondered what Sweet Young Thing will think about New Girl?

The BSG is going to make this easy for you. You’re worried because the big issue seems to be your bisexuality but in truth, the BSG thinks the big issue is what to do when you are attracted to more than one person. You can go the route of dating multiple folks, but frankly that gets tiring and more often than not, feelings get hurt. Most folks still buy into the idea that dating is a preamble to some sort of committed relationship, so there is a point where someone is going to get rejected (could be you).

The BSG thinks that if you are going to date multiple folks, you should (as you seem to plan) be honest with the participants. You should also be prepared for one or more of them to NOT be down with the arrangement. But mostly, the BSG thinks you should reduce your stable to just one filly. Whether it be Sweet Young Thing or New Girl, give the relationship a chance to evolve before you start adding difficult obstacles to overcome (like competition from the opposite sex).

KICS, the BSG would also be remiss if he didn’t add something here. At 40, coming out of a long distance relationship and coming into your first dude-on-dude relationship with a hot, talented (the BSG and his readers wonder what sort of talents? Yeah…whatever…the BSG knows you were thinking it) 22 year old, you may have some wild oats to sow in a pre-mid-life-crisis sort of way. The BSG recommends you determine whether this is possible and give yourself time to have fun with Sweet Young Thing if that’s what you need. If you convince yourself that the responsible thing to do is to build something Meaningful with New Girl, the BSG predicts you’ll be shopping online again within 6 months. ~BSG~

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I need my BSG fix!

February 23rd, 2009 | 2 Comments | Posted in Random Crap

Hey BSG, I was just wondering why you’ve taken such a long hiatus. When will I get to read some more really cool, yet hilarious advice?

Dear Readers: The BSG apologizes for disappearing on you! Alas, the recession has struck even the safe haven of the BSG’s world and he’s had to be out making enough money to keep the lights on. For that reason, the BSG’s posts will be slightly less frequent (every 3 days or so) for the next few weeks. He expects to be back to normal (posting every day or so) in the near future.

In the meantime, the BSG recommends reading other posts and offering your clever insight to other readers’ problems.  Every little bit counts, the BSG says. ~BSG~

The Bitter Single Guy Takes on Valentine’s Day

February 14th, 2009 | 7 Comments | Posted in Tips For Love

Happy Stupid Valentine’s Day.  Yes dear readers, it’s that festive time of year again: the Hallmark-spawned holiday that creates unrealistic expectations of love and reminds us that we are not quite complete, not quite pulling our social weight, not quite fulfilling the American Dream unless we are among The Coupled.  Face it; you’re single, possibly pathetic, and Hallmark has no cards for you (or for the Bitter Single Guy as it turns out). Valentine’s Day: as soul-crushing as New Years Eve, but without the benefit of booze.

 

The Bitter Single Guy is sure there is some lonely soul out there who knows all about the actual St. Valentine and honors that martyred gentleman’s selfless intentions during Valentine’s Day, but the rest of us are typically yanked up by the short hairs by Hallmark and its fellow purveyors of made-up holidays.

 

For the Bitter Single Guy, as for many others, Valentine’s Day horrors began in grade school.  Many mango seasons ago in the BSG’s youth, children were instructed to bring a box of drugstore valentines suitable for the grade school set.  On the Big Day, we huddled over our desks and wrote out Valentine’s cards for classmates.  Teachers and parents probably believed that this was a great opportunity to teach appreciation for one another in a youthful show of brotherly and sisterly love.  Instead, each of us (the BSG included) hunched over our puddle of garish red cards and prayed to whoever would listen that we received a ton of Valentines.  Some of you see where this is going and have already groaned in shared pain.  Yes, there were times that the Bitter Single Guy received NO valentines from his evil, traitorous classmates.   Thankfully he harbors no ill will toward these trolls.  He only rarely hopes that they are in loveless relationships surrounded by children who resent them and in soul-draining jobs.  Rarely.

 

So on Valentine’s Day, we’re forced to deal with The Coupled.  Those happy go lucky folks who have found love and want to shout it from the freakin’ mountaintops.  What the Bitter Single Guy really appreciates is the interrogation. “Why aren’t you in love?” they pout. “We can’t imagine someone not just wanting to snap you up!” they quip.  Hiding behind this seeming gush of good intentions lurk the real questions. “What’s wrong with you?  What did you do to become so unlovable? Are you so damaged that you repulse suitors?” they think; hoping your pathetic single-ness isn’t catching. 

 

Well go to hell, the Bitter Single Guy says.  He will admit that there are days when he appreciates his singleness and days when he longs to be partnered, but he happens to know that there are a heck of a lot of The Coupled who long for their single days more often than they say.  Oh sure, they’ve got each other for dates, dinner and doing it, but the Bitter Single Guy has the luxury of turning off his phone, turning on his TV, and lounging on his couch in non-sexy underwear, eating pretzels…the huge crunchy kind that leave jagged salty shards deep in the cushions. Yes.  Go to hell. 

 

So the Bitter Single Guy offers an alternative…an Anti-Valentine’s Day, if you will.  A response to the love-ful, the hope-ful, the ones that make us gag.  So here are some tips for The Single in coping with this most loving of days. 

 

No matter how bad it seems, be sure you:

Avoid The Coupled.  You could get an invitation from well-wishers to join them on Valentine’s Eve.  “Come with us!” they’d say, “You shouldn’t be all alone on Valentine’s Day!” This is bad.  No third wheel is more wobbly than the one at a table for two.  There is no such thing as a table for three…just a random chair from the kitchen pulled up to their twosome table.  Worse; the three of you will be seated at a table with four chairs where they sit across from you like some nightmare job interview. Or they will just sit across from each other mooning through a truffle-induced stupor while you gaze at the empty chair across from you. Bad, bad, bad. 

 

Avoid retailers. They fill their empty lives between New Years and Easter by packing their aisles with red velvet ribbon, big gaudy bows and all possible sizes of heart shaped chocolate boxes. These ubiquitous packages festoon even the cheesiest of establishments.  Does a heart-shaped box of chocolates purchased along with a Big Gulp at a gas station really say I love you?  Or does it say I only think of you when I crave a quart of soda pop?  The Bitter Single Guy doesn’t know.

 

Avoid bonding with other Singles. Some of your single friends may try to talk you into a night on the town.  The fifteen of you will get one big raucous table and defy the pity of The Coupled while you dine and drink to your heart’s content.  This behavior borders on the terminally pathetic. The only folks who will benefit from this pathologic behavior are the waiters who will slyly include a tip automatically on your bill and not tell you, knowing you’ll miss it in your Cosmo-fog.

 

Instead, defy The Coupled and:

Go to the movies. Make it a high energy action movie.  It’s dark, it’s loud and you’re not likely to see anyone sharing a bucket of popcorn and lovingly brushing their fingers together as they reach for the buttered puffs.  Avoid any movie with Hugh Grant, Julia Roberts, or Renée Zellweger. Appropriate movies include anything with Adam Sandler, Angelina Jolie, or The Rock. 

 

Stay at home and cook.  Take the evening to cook a large batch of beef stew (lentils work equally well if you are an herbivore) then freeze it in batches for meals throughout the week.  This will be simultaneously industrious, thrifty, and comforting (stew…the original comfort food). Get into it, too. Sling gravy around the kitchen; it’s a holiday after all.

 

Protest something. Check around town…surely there is some labor strike, oppressive department store, or objectionable art installation in front of which you can parade, large gaudy sign in hand, in order to instill guilt in your community!  There must be something that jeopardizes the safety and sanctity of your community, or at least threatens some defenseless animal!  Then glare angrily at The Coupled when they walk by trying to avoid eye contact. They will feel guilty for ignoring the plight of the fuzzy wood duck, or for allowing a performance artist to wear non-recyclable cellophane wrapped around her head. You will feel vindicated.

 

Take direct action. Attack The Coupled where they’re most vulnerable; the rickety foundation on which their love teeters.  The vast majority of relationships are temporary; they end in fireworks or fizzle out, but they don’t last.  ‘Oh no!’ some of The Coupled think as they read this, ‘oh no, my Significant Other and I have been delightfully happy since we fell in love thirty years ago and can imagine no glory better than another several decades.’  The Bitter Single Guy wonders though; what happened before they were together?  Did they date anyone else? Did they have a relationship anytime before becoming multi-decade partners?  Of course they did….and where are those relationships now? In the crapper, that’s where.  So, don’t look at the wimpy divorce statistics when you imagine your likelihood of Happily Ever After…instead count up all the relationships: all the blind dates, all the ‘it’s not you it’s me’, and all the ones that got away.  Every one of those is the failure that lurks behind each and every Valentine’s Day card and The Coupled are deathly afraid to hear it.  So, share!  Ask them “So, how many hearts did you collectively break in order to get to your current fleeting love?” 

 

Then, when The Coupled are weeping in each other’s arms because of your heartless attack, hand them an elementary school era card and wish them a Happy Stupid Valentine’s Day.  Yes. So from the Bitter Single Guy to all his readers: Happy Stupid Valentine’s Day.

 

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College or Acting Career

February 14th, 2009 | 5 Comments | Posted in What The Hell?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: All my life I’ve wanted to move to a big city and pursue my dream of acting. Now that I have graduated high school and left my parent’s house I thought I was ready to go. I have prepared myself for this, with a solid resume, a headshot, and money in my savings account. Luckily for me, I have a fantastic boyfriend who said he would like to come with me. However, I got an acceptance letter to an amazing college that I had initially applied to only to satisfy my parents, believing I would never get in. Looking at the letter I begin to have serious doubts about moving to a big city and pursuing a dream I’m not sure is even mine anymore. I jokingly told my boyfriend I had a dream that I went off to college instead of the city, and he got very upset. Since this was his reaction to me simply joking about doing this, I can’t imagine how hurt he would be if he realized that that’s what I really want. I do not want to lose him, he is not only the best boyfriend, but one of the best friends I have ever had.  But I don’t want to throw away an amazing opportunity. I have no idea what my next step should be. Help! ~College or Fame~

Dear COF: The Bitter Single Guy thinks it’s quite a bit selfish of Fantastic Boyfriend to react negatively to either of your decisions. The BSG thinks it’s likely that Fantastic Boyfriend has decided that moving to the big city is maybe his dream as well and that he’s happy to tag along with you for that experience. Why isn’t he willing to tag along with you to college?

Short version COF: go to college. If you were accepted somewhere you’re excited about; go to college. In addition to getting a broader education, take some acting classes.  You know better than the BSG that “going into acting” is a lot like “going into waitressing” until you get very, very lucky. Get a degree, get some life experience, get new headshots and head for acting then.

Fantastic Boyfriend may end up being one of the things that you have to give up, but the BSG assures you that you’ll eventually be glad you acted (pun intended) for your future here. ~BSG~

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