The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

When Friends with Benefits Goes Bad

Dear Bitter Single Guy:  I am a twenty year old college student. I have been friends with a guy for 6 years and for two of those years we have been off and on friends with benefits. We have seen other people but not seriously. For the past year I have been trying to end it, because I feel like he doesn’t care for me like he should and I feel used. I tried to avoid him but he is roommates with one of my best guy friends and I tried to cut it off, but for some reason I keep going back to him. I love being friends with him but I don’t know how to be friend and not be romantic with him? ~Complicated and Confused~

Dear CAC: The Bitter Single Guy often hears from his readers when they realize that “friends with benefits” isn’t as carefree as it sounds. Eventually feelings end up getting wrapped up with the benefits and then it can get ugly.

Here’s the gist, CAC: think you’re being used? Correct…you are being used (just as you are using him). And truly, why would Benefits Guy treat you any better when he’s getting what he wants without treating you better? There is a point here about buying cows and getting milk, but the BSG doesn’t want to imply that you are in any way cow-esque CAC.

This is a rip-the-bandage-off-quickly answer. It will be painful, but you need to have an honest conversation with him where you actually tell him that you are done. Then you need to be done. Ask Benefits Guy’s roommate to meet you out if you want to hang out with him. It will always be easy to go back to your old pattern because it’s comfortable, you know it, and it’s probably a little fun. (Distance will make it seem more so) But you have to do it if you’re going to start to feel better about yourself. Good luck. ~BSG~

Love and Xanax

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have been in my current relationship for 3 years and engaged for 1 of those. We have completely landed into old married couple’s syndrome: obligatory sex, little affection, and I am so nerve racked around her I got a script for Xanax, to be mellowed out to be around her for fear that I will piss her off.

She constantly nags over the dumbest things (towels not hung right and so on). More importantly she is often embarrassed by my actions and she thinks I am too blunt and offensive. I have always been a loud, goofy, fun loving guy who doesn’t really give a shit what anyone else thinks. I am living a double life, I am myself with my friends, with her I am the watered down dull version of me. I get so stressed about this I consider just driving off a bridge or walking into a black panther meeting in a Klan costume. I know the answer is going to be obvious on what to do, but I’d like to hear your thoughts on this. Am I being too stubborn because I want to be myself? Or should I continue to feel like a doormat p**-whipped guy and just work it out? ~Depressed and Despondent~

Dear DAD: The Bitter Single Guy actually thinks that you are being a big giant baby. Heck, didn’t Thoreau say that “the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation”? Heck if a famous dead poet said it, it must be true, right?

Yup…suicidal ideation is part and parcel with being in love and committing yourself to someone else for the rest of your life. Clearly, your subconscious is promoting the idea that since you seem trapped by the ‘til death do us part commitment, then the only way out is death!

DAD, the BSG is pulling your leg here because frankly, you had him at Xanax. The day that you had to get medicated in order to handle day-to-day life around your fiancé was the day to pull the plug (the BSG is a fan of physicians who don’t hesitate to prescribe medication where it’s needed, but he also hopes that your doc had a little chat with you about this?). The tough thing is doing what you know (you knew this already) is the right thing to do. The BSG will tell you that there is no easy way to do it other than to do it. Frankly, the BSG recommends sharing the letter you wrote to him with your fiancé; it’s all pretty much in there.

Be prepared to feel like a jerk, to feel like you’ve ruined your fiancé’s life. But then be prepared to feel like you’re climbing up out of a dark well while you find that you can get through a day without psychotropic medication. ~BSG~

Bitter Science Guy and Occam’s Razor

The Bitter Single Guy occasionally trots out an alter ego to help shed light on a particularly bumpy issue.  Boundary Boy (!) has often come to the rescue of readers unable to set their own boundaries.  Today, the BSG is delighted to re-invoke the spirit of his more cerebral alter ego: Bitter Science Guy. The Bitter Science Guy (BSG) helps us understand the wacky dynamics of relationships through scientific principles (which undoubtedly irritates real scientists). 

Today’s lesson: Occam’s Razor.  The Bitter Science Guy first heard of this sublimely simple rule on The Simpsons; a constant source of enlightenment for the BSG (particularly Lisa Simpson).

Occam’s Razor states that the simplest explanation is likely the true one.  You are wondering how this matters for your current relationship, and the BSG is glad you asked.

Recently, a dear friend of the BSG realized that his relationship had gone somewhat lukewarm.  The BSG’s friend, who we’ll call Robbie, realized that he had not shared more than a warm handshake with his Delicate Flower for several weeks, so asked her about this anomaly.

Delicate Flower assured him that all was well.  “Pshaw!” she blustered.  “I care for you just as much as ever, Robbie!  In fact, I’m just so thrilled that we communicate as well as we do and I’m sure glad that we’ll always have our friendship no matter what happens.  The good thing is that everything is just perfect now!”

Despite this handy reassurance, Robbie found himself feeling more and more low and more and more rejected as his formerly amorous Delicate Flower pulled more of her petals out of his grasp.  He knew however, that everything was just fine because well…she had TOLD him that it was all just fine!

Obliviously, Robbie shared all this, whereupon the BSG invoked Occam’s Razor, or what in more recent times has been called “If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck”.

So the BSG asked Robbie more about the nature of their relationship.  Turns out they go to the movies sometimes, but don’t hold hands.  They have coffee together and laugh about friends in common and stories from work.  Sometimes they even share a peck on the cheek and at these times, Robbie’s Delicate Flower often tells him how much she appreciates his friendship and devotion.

At this point, it became the BSG’s responsibility to tell Robbie what all you gentle readers have figured out, but what still eluded him.  “Walks like a friendship, quacks like a friendship?  Robbie, the romance has skee-daddled out of your relationship and you are what your Delicate Flower wanted you to become: friends.  There was no pesky break-up, no need to separate belongings, or to be unhappy at all!  Isn’t that GREAT!”

It’s been a month since the BSG has seen Robbie and he knows that Occam’s Razor may have cut Robbie a little closely. Once the cold light of reality shone on Robbie’s relationship, that duck quacked and Robbie couldn’t believe his silliness.

Here’s the word, Dear Readers.  You’ve heard the BSG say that if it’s too good to be true it probably IS too good to be true.  Hear it again. If it seems like you’re only friends, you are.  Sorry Robbie. ~BSG~

Sharing Your Sordid Past

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I, for the first time, have not only broken into the world of cyber dating, but have been chatting with a girl who I really like (as far as I can tell).This has been going on for a couple of weeks now and we are talking about actually meeting.

Problem is; I have a rather sordid past. I’ve been to prison, I don’t have a driver license and I’m married to a woman I haven’t seen or heard from since 2 months after the wedding; just to name a few. Having said all that, I am not a bad guy, I’ve just made some bad decisions. My dilemma is; when do I come clean? I know that I have to tell her all of this and more, but I don’t know when. Do I do it now and risk never meeting her? Or do I try to slip her little bits at a time, and hope she absorbs it all before she figures out I am/was a loser? ~Don’t Want to Screw Up~

Dear DWSU: The Bitter Single Guy believes that everyone deserves a second chance (third, fourth and fifth chances are also appropriate), so he is pleased that even after some bumps in the road, you’re back in the saddle.  Weirdly, the BSG (grammar geek that he is) is also pleased by your use of “driver license” (people…it’s only a license for one person and the possessive is silly…would you say “certificate’s of achievement”?) The BSG is a little embarrassed by this tiny rant (rant-let), but he’s letting it stand.

DWSU online dating is problematic for many reasons, not the least of which is that you’re not yet dealing with the entire person. You’re working with a picture, a profile and (if you’re lucky or focused) a phone call or two. Although it’s entrancing to believe that this is the whole picture, the BSG wants to remind you of what you, in your non-attracted-to-someone mind know: that your Delectable Dandelion isn’t quite real until you have a chance to interact in person. (Readers who have had long, successful, exclusively online relationships are shaking their fists at the BSG right now, but he doesn’t care. If you haven’t met in person, you’re pen-pals.)

But the BSG doesn’t want to minimize your situation. You’re right to balance the fact that this relationship is new and just like a new baby bird out of the shell; it’s easily crushed. On the other hand, anything perceived as deceptive now could be shake the foundation of the relationship if it lasts.

Here’s the BSG’s advice. Prior to meeting Delectable Dandelion, tell her that you’re in the middle of correcting some mistakes you’ve made in your life: mistakes that unfortunately resulted in you spending some time in jail recently. (the BSG recommends the use of the word “jail” over “prison” because while he knows there is a difference, “jail” is likely to sting less. Heck…the Dukes of Hazzard were in “jail” all the time and those guys were just fun-loving goofs. “Prison” is featured in much scarier TV shows and movies.)

The BSG thinks that’s enough pre-information before you meet. The BSG then recommends meeting in person and enjoying each other’s company over a cup of coffee or something equally festive.  AFTER that first date, the next time you meet in person, the BSG recommends a somewhat deeper conversation about the depth of your sordid past. This will give Delectable Dandelion a solid non-scary experience (the aforementioned festive coffee date) to balance against the new information. While you’re correct to want to be honest, and also correct in your fear that this may scare Delectable Dandelion away, the BSG wants you to balance the frequency and amount of sordid past information with festive date-time in order to ease her into the truth. This is the equivalent of not taking a dish right out of the fridge and putting it directly in the oven. Usually that results in the dish shattering (although the BSG knows that Pyrex is typically safe in this situation, so few people are made of Pyrex these days).

Good luck DWSU. ~BSG~