The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Fairytale Romance, Outsiders Don’t Approve.

Dear Bitter Single Guy: (Sorry in advance for any typos, I’m typing this from my iPhone) I am a formerly bitter single girl who managed to end up in a perfect relationship, after quite a while with the wrong man and then being bitterly single for a while. My boyfriend and I know for certain that we want to get married and have kids, and we even refer to each other as husband and wife, though it’s not official yet. So…what’s the problem?

It’s not us – it is quite a few people around us. I’m white and my hubby-to-be is Asian. A lot of people seem to have major issues with that pairing, especially because my hubby is not too Americanized, speaks with an accent, and English is not his first language. We get rude stares and faces made at us, and some desperate middle-aged white (and black) guys have taken it upon themselves to Inform me that Asian men have small penises, they beat their women, and that said middle-aged guy could “treat me right” unlike my Asian hubby. I’m getting kind of sick of these kinds of things, especially because they do happen in public where other people can hear what’s going on.

As well as the racism, we have constant negativity by bitter single (and married) people who don’t believe that my hubby and I don’t argue/fight, who tell us that it will never work because of age difference (he’s almost 10 years older), that I need to “settle down with a nice white man and pop out a few kids” (I actually had someone tell me that!), etc. In other words, people seem to be trying their best to sabotage a wonderful relationship. My hubby and I have both been through some really nasty breakups, abuse (me, not him), and we’ll never let anyone get between us.

BSG, how would you deal with such horrible behaviour from people? I’ve tried ignoring it, which is what I usually do, but I know I’m going to be dealing with this kind of racism from my own family (on my mother’s side) if they find out I’m marrying a FOB Taiwanese man.  And how do we get the naysayers to shut up, without resorting to throwing rotten food at them?

Thank you for any advice, for this formerly bitter single girl has finally found her true love and is sick of other bitter single people trying to make us miserable and break us up. ~ Harshing My Buzz~

Dear HMB: WTF?!  The Bitter Single Guy just has to ask in the most loving way possible…WTF?!

Move away HMB. That’s it. Screw the bastards who have a problem with your interracial relationship, or gay relationship, or age-differential relationship, or ANY kind of consensual adult relationship that makes you and your partner happy. Screw the bastards, pack your bags, and move to a more diverse coastal city. (The BSG knows that there are plenty of diverse and accepting cities in the middle of continents, but the odds are better on a coast. The BSG doesn’t know why, we just all know it’s true.)

Really HMB, someone said to settle down with a white guy and pop out a few kids? The BSG believes that public violence should be allowed in situations like that and he hopes you took the opportunity to smack the offender upside her or his head. Sheesh.

By the way HMB…you wrote all that on your iPhone?  You go girl. ~BSG~

There Must Be SOMEthing I Can Do!

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I got dumped by my girlfriend of a year and a half, we are both in college and go to school in different states, but the distance was never a problem. I tried to visit her as much as I could and every time I saw her it was nice and we had a lot of fun. Two weeks after I got back things got rocky. And we tried to work them out, but she came to a conclusion that she wants to break up, she said she wanted to “experience new things”. I’m still not sure what she means. She said she wanted to be “single for a while”. I have been trying to move on for some time now it has been about 2 months and I still can’t stop thinking about her. I have the same dream with her in it every night. I miss everything about her, her smell her touch, her voice, her smile. I think what we had was something special, and at one point we both thought that, she had said it many times. She said that “what we have is rare and only comes along once” so I don’t understand why she broke up with me.

I would like to think I was a good boy friend. I sent her a message every morning saying “have a great day! I love you” and every night “Have sweet dreams”. I wrote poems, sent her little gifts just because. When we were going out her friends boyfriends would get mad at me because of the nice things I did. I tried everything I could to make her happy. I never cheated on her, never hit her, never forgot a birthday or anniversary. I like cuddling more than anything sexual. I tried to make her laugh when ever I could. I loved her with all my heart.

Now she seems like she is happy without me, and I don’t believe that she could have gotten over what we had so quickly. I am willing to do whatever it takes to get her back because I believe we are meant to be together. So I am asking if there is anything I can do to get her back? Or to get a second chance?

If you could help me that would help me so unbelievably much. It would get back a piece of I’m missing. ~Broken Hearted~

Dear BH: The Bitter Single Guy wishes he was there to give you the big hug that you obviously need and to pat you on the back in a comforting way (pat-pat-pat).

Yours is the classic story of being dumped; there’s no other way to describe it. Although it’s certainly of little comfort, the BSG assures you that everyone else who’s out there in Dating Land has felt what you feel today (including the BSG).  Here are some key points:

·         Your main question is how to get her back. Buck up, BH…you can’t have her back. Yes, it’s possible that she could spend some time out there in the big world then decide that you were the best boyfriend ever and come sniveling back into your arms, but if it’s already been two months the BSG thinks it’s unlikely. You’ve been dumped…accept it.

·         You don’t know how she could have moved on so quickly? It’s because she actually started moving on several months ago. It’s not easy being the Dumpee, but it’s also pretty brutal being the Dumper. The BSG is pretty sure that your Departed Damsel thought a lot about breaking up with you before she actually did it. So the reason that Departed Damsel seems so well adjusted is that the last part of her adjustment was the breakup, even though it was only the first part for you.

·         You’re dreaming of her every night? BH you’re breaking the BSG’s heart here! Know that grieving for something lost is a necessary and healthy process that you simply have to go through. You’ll be sad, you’ll have bad dreams (when you can sleep), you’ll be lethargic and generally not very much fun to be around. But believe the BSG when he tells you that it will get better. That said, if you start losing weight because you’re not eating, or if you can’t seem to get yourself out of the house for more than a few days at a time, the BSG strongly recommends seeking professional help to get you through this.  But again…you will get through this.

·         Departed Damsel told you she wants to be single for awhile? Ouch, BH. The BSG knows (as his readers do) what it’s like to be told that she’d rather be with no one than be with you. Here comes the tough message BH, so brace yourself. The BSG doesn’t think Departed Damsel actually wants to be single. He thinks she just doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore. For that reason, don’t be shocked if Departed Damsel suddenly starts seeing someone else in the next short while.

You see BH, the problem is that while you were deliriously happy in your relationship, Departed Damsel wasn’t. There was something missing for her and she likely spent part of the time you were together trying to get that need filled (whatever it was). None of this is easy to hear BH, but it’s what getting dumped is all about.

OK now it’s time for a little tough love BH. The BSG doesn’t know the details, so he can only respond to what’s in your letter and there’s one little section that concerns him. You sent daily notes of love and encouragement, never forgot an important date, wrote poems, and liked cuddling more than sex? While that seems right out off the Good Boyfriend Manual, the BSG and you both know that sometimes we can have too much of a good thing. BH the BSG wants you to think about whether you were a little smothering in your care and attention? Honestly, the BSG didn’t have any concerns until the ‘cuddling more than sex’ part, because you know…sex is pretty important to lots of people. Like he said, the BSG doesn’t know the details, so just wants you to think objectively about that.

BH, take care of yourself and let your friends be there for you and he promises that one day you’ll wake up and not feel like you’ve been stomped on. ~BSG~

New Year’s Eve Anonymous Confession

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I spent New Year’s Eve with my family in a time zone 2 hours ahead of where I live.  So when my phone rang at 1:45am, while I was sleeping in the same room as mother, I answered it in a great deal of confusion.  A male voice asked whether he was talking to me, and I said “yes?”  The voice on the other end of the phone then proceeded to say: “I have always loved you.”  I was stunned, groggy, didn’t know what else to say, didn’t want to wake my mother, and had no idea to whom I was speaking — other than that it wasn’t my current flame, who has a decided accent.  So I wrote it off as either a practical joke or a little bit of kindness floating around in the world.

Fast forward to late March, and I received a voicemail from an old family friend — someone I’ve always viewed as a rather messed-up older brother — saying that he thinks he owes me an apology “from about three and a half months ago” and “if you don’t call back, I guess I’ll understand.”

So here’s the quandry: what do I do?  I have NO romantic interest in Old Family Friend, and what I want is to completely ignore the situation and hope that when I see Old Family Friend sometime this spring (which is likely), we can be cordial with each other. However, I know that he’s at a low point in his life right now (I suspect mid-life crisis, depression, substance abuse, the works).  I don’t want to be unfair to someone who might need my support. ~Might Have a Stalker~

Dear MHS: The Bitter Single Guy thinks it’s hella noble of you to spend as much time considering Old Family Friend’s feelings and life situation while you ponder how to respond. But the BSG doesn’t think that’s the right approach here. Whether mid-life crisis or depression or something worse, Old Family Friend lives by the same social rules that you and the BSG live with. Calling someone (the BSG hopes it was Drunk Dialing, because if he called you out of the blue while totally sober, well that’s just creepy) on New Year’s Eve to pronounce your love with no warning is just tacky.  The BSG assumes, given the mid-life crisis possibility, that Old Family Friend isn’t 15, which would make this behavior just as tacky, but understandable.

MHS, don’t ignore this. If you actually care a whit for Old Family Friend you’ll expect him to deal with you appropriately which includes honest communication. He has a right to express his attraction to you in a socially acceptable fashion, by inviting you to coffee or some such innocent activity. You, of course, also have the right to demur in equally socially acceptable ways. Since he’s chosen to go the 15 year old route, the BSG hopes you still decide to be the adult.

The BSG doesn’t usually recommend email, but in this case he would allow it because the impersonal nature of an email would emphasize your point. “Dear Old Family Friend: I got your voicemail and appreciate you clearing up the mystery of who woke me from a sound sleep on New Year’s Eve. I accept your apology and appreciate you letting me know that it was you. While I appreciate our family friendship, that’s the extent of my interest in our relationship. I understand how these misunderstanding can happen however, and am sure we’ll laugh about it when we see each other this spring.”

The BSG thinks this approach can both preserve the cordiality of your relationship while making it clear that his confession wasn’t welcome. The likely result is that Old Family Friend will be hugely embarrassed, which will be appropriate. It’s likely that he’s entertaining a tiny little fantasy that you’ll be similarly smitten, otherwise he wouldn’t have left you the voicemail. Your job now is to crush that tiny little fantasy. The BSG has toal faith in you here, MHS.

~BSG~

Damned Spammers

Hello Wonderful Readers,
It appears that the Spammers have found out that the BSG doesn’t moderate comments from his readers. The BSG changed this feature in order to foster the conversation between all of you and himself.

Starting now, you’ll have to have one approved comment in order to comment without moderation. What this means is that the BSG will try to approve comments daily, so check back for your comments! All comments that are relevant (and not spam) are approved.

~BSG~

Lost in Translation

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Throughout my life I’ve always been the big brother or the best friend to most girls. Recently, a few people said they like me. But then said they “have a thing with someone else” or “were just too good of friends”. I haven’t been in a relationship for awhile. I was wondering if you could tell me how to move past being the best friend or the second option? ~More Than Friends~

Dear MTF: The Bitter Single Guy feels your pain, brother. The BSG himself spent time with way more friends and way fewer girlfriends than he wanted. The BSG’s personal journey through that hellish time is a conversation for a different day (and a cocktail), but he does have some pointers for you.

The BSG guesses that these girls that you’re friends with find you “safe” and that they can “tell you anything”, right MTF? The message embedded in these faux compliments are that they look for safety and open communication in their girl friends and “big-brothery” guy-friends. What they look for in guys they date is some mystery, some edginess, (frankly) some frustration. There are probably girls reading right now thinking “No, BSG…I’m ALL about the safe, quiet men for romance and sweaty times.”

Yeah, right. The BSG isn’t fooled by your unwillingness to admit your own desires, ladies.  MTF, girls (and guys as well for that matter) like a little challenge in their dating life. The BSG recommends you adding some edginess, some mystery or just some aloof-ness. The BSG doesn’t know if your high school is/was anything like his, but the guys who ignored all the girls invariably got the most attention from them. Dating is a cruel world out there, MTF.

If you’re anything like the BSG was, you probably don’t know what edginess or aloof-ness looks like, so the BSG will be a little more literal. Try making brief eye contact with a girl you’re attracted to. Hold the eye contact just a tiny bit longer than is comfortable, then look slowly away. That’s it. Don’t look again for the rest of that day and maybe for a couple of days. Then, look again…hold it…hold it…and break away slowly. The BSG promises you’ll get her attention and if you manage to avoid coming off like a stalker she’ll be intrigued. That’s what you want.

Practice that and let the BSG know how it’s going, and he’ll provide more ideas.

~BSG~