The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

How Much Time is Too Much Time?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Mid-twenties female, graduate-level education. How long is too long to stay in a relationship that has been considered “serious” from the start and tell the BF to get me a ring or admit I’m not the one and move on? If you want more details I don’t have a problem providing them, but in the end I feel like that’s the essence of the question. ~Hand On The Plug~

Dear HOTP: The Bitter Single Guy is, as his readers know, a fan of brevity since it allows him to get to even more folks’ heartache.  The BSG also believes that with a little thought, most of his readers questions can be boiled down to a relatively simple question and HOTP you demonstrate that brilliantly.

The BSG thinks that you probably have friends who will tell you that the amount of time to stay in a serious relationship without further commitment is entirely subjective and up to you and your Reluctant Beau and the universe and bunnies and such. The BSG thinks there is some truth there, but that doesn’t mean he’s not willing to give you a concrete answer (the BSG knows that’s why you come to him). So here it is:

Mid-twenties with a graduate-level education tells the BSG that you’re no longer ‘in the oven’, but instead that you’re relatively fully baked. The BSG knows that getting an education and mucking about in the early twenties results in many folks forming and re-forming themselves several times over. HOTP based on your age and place in life, and assuming the same for Reluctant Beau, the BSG thinks you should wait a minimum of 3 years and a maximum of 5 years before you pull the plug because of inertia on Reluctant Beau’s part.

You (or some of the BSG’s readers) may be shocked at the 3 year minimum, but here’s the BSG’s logic: Reluctant Beau could have any number of insecure reasons that he’s not making the plunge to a deeper commitment, but in his 20’s in this the 21^st century, Reluctant Beau is undoubtedly navigating unfamiliar waters. If this were 1950, he would be grossly late in making his intentions clear.  But these days folks successfully date and mate well into their 40’s, 50’s and beyond, so the path is less clear.

HOTP your job is to be sure that Reluctant Beau knows that you’re in for the long haul (assuming you are). If one of the things he’s navigating is whether or not you’re in the game, that will only make it tougher. As you get older, you would likely find that men are less reluctant to take the committment plunge, but you have to get older for that to happen and since you’re waiting out the clock, you may as well spend that time letting Reluctant Beau get up to speed.

~BSG~

Ditched by a Runner

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’m interested in your take on my recent situation, which is, for the most part resolved in my head, but still leaves a bitter taste (no offense intended).

I have been single some time, actually a few years, but not been totally desperate, just happy in my singledome. I find myself disappointed often and frequently, as if I’m chasing an illusion. So about a month of platonic dating has been about my limit. That adds up to an awful long time of celibacy. Then recently against my better instincts, I met a guy who has shown an interest before, then disappeared off the scene, then turned up again and asked me out. We had quite a pleasant few dates and things progressed… 

I reached my one month marker and had a few nightmares (literally) about all this new found intimacy – and also about why have I set my sights so low. Out of about 30 admirable qualities in a potential love interest, this guy scored fairly low, around a 10, being generous. But we seemed to get on okay so I withheld my misgivings and shed my aspirations. I had daily long phone calls from him talking about the tedium of his life, which actually appealed to me not in the slightest, but I tolerated it, being all new to coupledome and so forth.

Then after a particularly quite lovely night I had a long phone call from him the next day that was less usual. Instead of mulling over his day, he went into a great monologue about where he’s at now, and lamenting the loss of his ex-partner, from a few months before, and his fluctuating emotions. He kept saying it was like going cold turkey and being on heroin, not that he knew, but just what he imagined it would be like, and, in all, it was just about the crappiest load of drivel possible. I felt like saying ‘get a life’ but don’t think that would have been appreciated.

Anyway, since then, nothing at all. No texts or calls or long night time mulling over the day. And he has totally disappeared from our shared social scene. I know he was an ass, but he was the first ass I have kissed for some time. And it does bug me that he left before I left him, because of course, all his faults, never finishing a sentence and all that, would have driven me to distraction before long. So why does it still leave that bitter taste? Hoping you can shed light in your inimitable way. ~Slightly Bitter Taste~

Dear SBT: The Bitter Single Guy thinks this is an easy one and he suspects that you already know the answer. This has left you with a bitter taste because he beat you to the punch. You wanted to be the one to reject him, dammit!  How dare he drag you through all the details of his mundane little life, then to drone on and on about his failed relationships! Wah!

The BSG is being a little sarcastic here, SBT. Yes it’s true…you’re bitter because he disappeared before you could dump him. But beyond that the BSG is a little concerned about your willingness to stay involved with someone for whom you seemed to have nothing but contempt! What’s up with that SBT?

The BSG is a fan of occasional periods of celibacy and non-dating, but he also knows that too long a period can lead to a seeming inability to actually make a meaningful connection with another person. SBT the BSG recommends you ask your friends whether you’ve actually been single and celibate too long and if so, get yourself some professional help.

At a minimum, the BSG strongly recommends only dating someone who you actually like a tiny bit. ~BSG~

Cute Guy, Messed Up Teeth

Note: This reader urgently asked the BSG not to post her name or email address. Gentle Readers…the BSG never posts names or email addresses and usually strips out any geographic identifiers (like cities) as well. There is safety in anonymity, the BSG believes.

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I met a guy recently that I’m very attracted to that also has a nice personality but has very messed up teeth.  I am an attractive female who is not shallow, but does not understand why he hasn’t fixed his teeth.  I want to ask him but I am afraid to hurt his feelings.  I had messed up teeth from sucking my thumb but my mother fixed my teeth when I was a child.  Even if she hadn’t I would have gotten braces.  They are expensive but doctors allow you to make payments slowly.  The true problem I have is that I get distracted every time he opens his mouth or smiles.  I keep finding myself looking at his teeth.  And he’s caught me a few times.  Then when I try to avoid looking it makes me feel awkward because then I can’t look at him in his face while he’s talking.  What should I do?  I like him and would like to continue dating him.  Should I ask him to get braces? ~Tooth Fairy~

Dear TF: The Bitter Single Guy thinks it would be easy to tell you that you’re being really shallow and that love is tough enough to find without picking on something minor like unattractive teeth. However the BSG knows, as most of his readers do, that sometimes these seemingly shallow issues are the toughest ones to get past. 

OK TF, this could be a bit of a time bomb and won’t be easy for you, but the BSG is sensing that this is a big enough issue that it will get in the way of your relationship unless you say something. What’s that you say? If you say something to Snaggle Tooth, he might be totally freaked out and turned off and dump you? Correct; he might. But the BSG doesn’t give your relationship much future if you can’t look him in the face when he’s talking to you.

The right time to tell him is not immediately before, during or after an intimate moment. The BSG will guess that Snaggle Tooth is somewhat self-conscious about his dental deficiency so if you bring it up in a moment of intimate vulnerability it will be especially painful.  You should ask about it very casually in a very casual moment that also gives the space for a deeper (yet casual) conversation should the need come up. Maybe the two of you will be meeting to go to a movie and you could (casually) say something like “I have a friend who had braces as an adult and I noticed that some of your teeth seemed to go in different directions. Have you ever thought about adult braces?” The BSG recommends avoiding words like “crooked”,  “damaged” or, heaven help us, “gross” in order to avoid charging the conversation with tons of negative energy.

That said, Snaggle Tooth isn’t likely to feel good about himself regardless of your attempts at being casual and since the male ego can be somewhat fragile anyway, the BSG guesses that this might be the end of your relationship since it’s unlikely that you and Snag have built up sufficient foundation to survive a hit like this one.

Wow, after all that the BSG finds himself actually coming right back to telling you that you probably need to learn to live with Snaggle Tooth as he is, or prepare to break up with him (or be dumped). Good luck with that, TF.

~BSG~