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Dude, really?

June 30th, 2009 | 1 Comment | Posted in Cheaters

Dear Bitter Single Guy: My wife and I got married at 18. We are 23 and 24 now. I have cheated on her. I don’t think my feelings for her are the same. I’m not attracted to her anymore. She is a great partner and the two of us could be very successful together. But I want to see other women. I’m so afraid of being single. I never really dated before I got married. What should I do? ~Remorseful But Horny~

Dear RBH: C’mon, are you kidding the Bitter Single Guy with this crap? Some years ago, the BSG found that he didn’t understand the adage that he couldn’t “have his cake and eat it, too”; so he investigated. Turns out our festive language has morphed enough that this phrase is better understood as wanting to “keep your cake and eat it, too.” RBH this is you. You’re looking for a way to keep your comfy relationship (with a woman who you’re not attracted to and don’t love anymore) while being able to date (and have sex with) other women.

The Bitter Single Guy has to ask again: Are you kidding with this crap? Cheating is a surefire way to diagnose a problem in your relationship (yes, that’s the BSG being sarcastic). Then, in the mathematics of love, when you add cheating, subtract love and subtract attraction it turns out that your relationship is over and you’re basically a douche bag for trying to figure out a way to stay married while still cheating.

Man up RBH. Seriously dude, man up and take full responsibility for yourself and your actions. Tell your wife that you’ve cheated and that you aren’t in love with her. Chances are she’ll dump your douche bag ass and you’ll be able to see other women which is what you want. And this crap about being afraid of being single? WTF, RBH? You’re clearly managing to get dates while you’re married so the BSG is sure that you’ll muddle through.

The BSG would love to tell you that 18 year-olds are fully able to make forever decisions, but of course that would be a lie. Chances are that as you and your wife evolved into the adults you’re meant to be, your teenage love faded as most teenage love does (and a good bit of adult love, too).

~Bitter Single Guy~


Infidelity Enabler

June 13th, 2009 | 5 Comments | Posted in I'm A Tool

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have written to you before about whether or not the man I long to be with has feelings of love or feelings of lust for me.

Recently it has become much more apparent that his feelings run much deeper than lust. No matter what, this man is there for me when I need him. And when I say ‘no matter what’, I mean that he sneaks out on his live-in girlfriend to be with me, whether it’s to comfort me, offer much needed advice or to make sure I am safe.

I love him. I love everything about him, even his flaws. I love the things he hates about himself. We have discussed why he is staying with his girlfriend and it all comes down to financial issues. I know I am a bad bad person for seeing him behind his girlfriends back. But I don’t care. My former husband had numerous affairs, and he finally fell in love with one of them and left me for her. So I do know how it feels to be on the other end of it and that still doesn’t keep me from him.

Is my willingness to sneak around with him actually enabling him to stay in his relationship with the gf? We don’t get to see each other as much as we would both like to, and he is risking getting caught every time. I’m hoping seeing him will encourage him to find a solution to his problematic living situation. (I say problematic, not just for me and what I want but for him as well. He says he is not in love with her and at most times, doesn’t even like her) But I fear I am actually enabling him to stay. ~The Other Woman~

Dear TOW: The Bitter Single Guy wants to gently hold your hand while he puts his arms around your shoulder in a brotherly sort of way. The BSG wants to comfort you in this way because it’s apparent from your letter that there is nothing he can say that will get you off this destructive path and the BSG fears that heartbreak awaits you.

Because he can’t help himself, the BSG will offer some brief advice. You ask whether you are enabling Cheating Charlie? Yes, you are.  If you weren’t willing to support his sneaking around habit he would be forced to actually do something honorable about his unhappy relationship. You’re not demanding that he give you the same consideration that he gives this woman who he apparently doesn’t even like; why in the world would he change?

The BSG will also repeat the sage words that were shared with him when he was in exactly your situation many mango seasons ago: If they’ll do it with you, they’ll do it to you.  Referring of course to Cheating Charlie’s propensity to cheat on a committed relationship.  Someday you may be the one he’s cheating on.

All that aside, the BSG’s aforementioned foray into the land of The Other Man taught him many things. Among the lessons for the BSG was that no amount of intellectualizing could get him off the destructive path of The Other Man. The whole thing just had to play itself out and eventually it did. No, it didn’t end well for anyone. Yours won’t either, but the BSG knows better than to criticize you for something he himself was powerless to prevent.

So there it is. You came to the BSG asking if you were enabling, knowing that you probably were. You’re right; you’re enabling him. Just be sure that you’re not punishing the universe for the time when your ex was cheating on you by now enabling this cheater. Be sure also that you’re prepared for when it crumbles and falls apart. Write back to the BSG then, he’ll still want to take your hand and put his arm around your shoulder in comfort. ~BSG~


Twisted Love Triangle

June 12th, 2009 | No Comments | Posted in What The Hell?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I need your advice. I have a friend who is older than me, I call her my Aunt even though she is not related to me. She met a guy and spent a month staying with him at his apartment. They both agree that they only had sex two times. Then she came home (different state) and told me all about him. She became obsessed with lover boy and called, texted, emailed and the entire time he blew her off and ignored me. Now, we both came back to his state and are staying at his apt. The night we got to town he tells her he just wants to be friends and does not want a sexual relationship or any type of relationship, except to be friends.

However, I am sleeping on the couch in his living room and she sleeps next to him in his bed at night. He always keeps the bedroom door open. Then a few nights ago he and I were alone at home. We had some wine and next thing I know he tells me he really likes me and is extremely attracted to me. But I know for a fact my aunt is still crazy about the guy. Last night he tells me he is falling in love with me (something he never told her)…now keep in mind he has slept with her (the first night they met) and has not slept with me. I want to tell her what he is doing behind her back but I know she will be hurt and angry. Will probably blame me. I feel like I am caught in the middle of those two and I can’t even tell for sure if he means what he says to me, or is just feeding me lines to get in my pants? Wtf should I do? ~All In A Tangle~

Dear AIAT: “WTF should I do?” HTF did you get yourself in this bizarre triangle? The Bitter Single Guy has several questions :

1.       Why do you care how often your Aunt had sex with someone she was involved with?

2.       Why, in the name of heaven, are you and she staying in his apartment with him?!

3.       Is there a typo above, or did you actually mean that Lover Boy blew her off and ignored you? Have you been wrapped up in this relationship from the beginning?

Really AIAT, the BSG isn’t mad…he’s just disappointed.  Here’s the advice: Get the hell out of Lover Boy’s apartment, get the hell out of your Aunt’s and Lover Boy’s relationship, and get the hell away from Lover Boy altogether.

You’re afraid your Aunt will blame you for this man expressing his feelings for you? Where’s your free will AIAT? What did you tell Lover Boy when he was busy dissing your Aunt? Did you tell him that he’s a creep and he should clean up his messes before he tries to make new ones? Did you tell him that you have more self respect and love for your Aunt than to even be HAVING that conversation? The BSG guesses not and thinks that you’re probably sufficiently titillated by Lover Boy’s attention that you’re not setting any boundaries for yourself or anyone else.

Nothing good will come of any of this, AIAT.  Get out. ~BSG~

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She Needs Time?

June 11th, 2009 | 2 Comments | Posted in Dumped

Dear Bitter Single Guy:  I need some advice. I have a wonderful, beautiful girlfriend who I love very much. Not but 7 days ago she decided she wanted to take some time away to clear her head. After having talked to her, she has stated she doesn’t know what the problem is, but she needs to figure it out. We have been talking about marriage and both of us are experienced in mature relationships. She stated finally after I got her to open up that she doesn’t know if she is afraid of marriage, or she is no longer in love with me. I was absolutely devastated and feel utterly betrayed and damaged. I know she still loves me, and that we have a great thing. But how much time do I give her? ~Broken Hearted~

Dear BH: The Bitter Single Guy knows, as many of his readers (and now you) know, what it’s like to be dumped. BH, you’re likely shocked by the BSG saying it that bluntly, but it’s true isn’t it? Two weeks ago you had a happy relationship and this week you don’t.

The key point here BH is that two weeks ago you had a happy relationship while your wonderful beautiful girlfriend didn’t. While getting dumped always seems to come out of nowhere, we all know that this was probably percolating in Beautiful Girlfriend’s head for some time.

Normally the BSG’s advice in situations like yours is to tell you to man-up and deal with the fact that you’ve been dumped. For some reason this doesn’t feel quite that cut-and-dried, so the BSG has some less brutal advice (not much less, but a little).

·         If you’re living together, find a place on your own or at least move in with a friend for awhile. If Beautiful Girlfriend needs space, give it to her. If she’s actually on the fence, this may shock her into realizing what single life is actually like.

·         Get used to the idea that you’re not marrying this girl. Maybe she will turn around, maybe she has cold feet, maybe she’s in an elaborate reality TV show that requires her to deny her undying love for you in order to win big cash; but if she’s not sure whether her need for space is her lack of love for you or her fear of marriage, the BSG thinks there’s a good chance there will be no altar-time for the two of you.

·         This is the hardest one: Don’t take her feelings personally. Although falling out of love with you makes you feel betrayed and wretched, there’s nothing you could have done to change it (barring the possibility that you’re a jerk and didn’t mention that). Love and attraction often comes and goes unintentionally.  The BSG thinks Beautiful Girlfriend would like nothing more than to be madly in love with you again, but stuff like that is often out of our hands.

Basically BH, the BSG wants you to create some safe space where you can start to heal and re-build, and where Beautiful Girlfriend can have the space she needs to do whatever. If she comes back, you’ll both be redefining your relationship based on the break and if a new relationship with Beautiful Girlfriend is going to work you’ll both have to approach it differently. If none of that comes true, then you join the unhappy but wiser multitudes who have been dumped. ~BSG~


Sort-of Dumped

June 9th, 2009 | 2 Comments | Posted in Dumped

Dear Bitter Single Guy: My boyfriend recently graduated college, while I’ve got two years left. We’d discussed making it work and all, and he was pretty optimistic. But then, out plans didn’t turn out right. He got an internship which doesn’t pay, forcing him to get another job, which equals a lot of work. Due to this, he claims he suddenly just doesn’t see how he’ll have time for any relationship at all since he’ll be working all the time and lives 2 hours away. He says there will be no dating others for him and no random sex, as he has no time which is why we’re not together. Though, if this changes and when time is right, I’ll be the first to know and first pick. He claims this just isn’t the right time and he won’t write it off for the future. Problem is, he’ll be working like this for at least a year. So unless he changes his mind sooner which I’m hoping..that’s the time frame. Of course I want to wait. He tells me not to because it’s not fair. Please tell me what I should really do. He seems like he’s having an early mid-life crisis. HELP. ~Sort-of Dumped~

Dear SOD: The Bitter Single Guy knows that higher education has ruined more relationships than yours and is bummed for you. The BSG doesn’t think this qualifies as an early mid-life crisis though (that’s still probably awaiting Freaked Out Guy in the future), he thinks this is just a natural reaction to the time commitment he’s just made to a job and an internship.

The BSG thinks this is just a classic dumping. He is choosing his education and career over you. Although the BSG is aware that there are nuances and fine print and ‘yeah, but’ exceptions the fact is that he’s not willing to dump the job/internship so he’s dumped you.

The BSG recommends treating this as an actual dumping, but not a “it’s not you it’s me” sort of dumping.  This is more a situational dumping. Although that doesn’t mean a lot today, if there’s ever a chance to get back together that will mean a great deal.

SOD, the BSG thinks you need to get used to being single. If you hold yourself in limbo while you wait out his year-long internship several things could happen:

·         He could decide after a year that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore: you’ll feel betrayed.

·         He could get another (similarly critical) internship that prevents him from getting back together: you’ll feel betrayed.

·         He could find someone in the middle of his internship who is important enough to him that he finds a way to make it work: you’ll feel betrayed.

·         It all works out as planned and you’re happy together forever, except that you’ll know that his work will likely come before you: you’ll feel ready for future betrayal.

Getting the picture here, SOD? Unless you look out for yourself here, no one else will. Blame him or don’t blame him…the BSG doesn’t care. Just pull in your defenses and let him go. ~BSG~

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