The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Dumper’s Remorse

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have been having trouble let go of  a break up that happened over six months ago. The relationship was not going to work and I knew that, thus I broke up with him.  Lately, however, I have found myself wanting him back even though I know that it wouldn’t work.  Any advice on how to let it go and how to find a happy (slightly bitter) view on single life? ~Trying To Move On~

Dear TTMO: The Bitter Single Guy expects letters like yours from Dumpees, but it’s rare to see this problem from a Dumper. This makes the BSG wonder why you think your former relationship would not have worked. On a philosophical aside, the BSG is interested in how we define success in a relationship. He thinks the definition of success typically includes marriage and offspring and wonders if there are other definitions of success. As a philosophical aside to this philosophical aside, the whole gay marriage controversy seems to be about allowing more folks to buy into this common definition of success, but that’s a thought for a different day…the BSG digresses.

TTMO, assuming that your relationship with Dumped Boy truly wouldn’t have worked, and assuming that it’s not a good idea to try it again, then the BSG usually recommends devoting a third of the length of a relationship to getting over it. So if you spent more than a year and a half together, 6 months is just about right.

It’s also appropriate to think about why you want Dumped Boy back. If you’re just tired of dating (which can be a totally soul-crushing exercise) and are wanting some comfy lovin’, pining for an old relationship makes total sense. But if you’re starting to think you were wrong to set Dumped Boy free, maybe you should go back to that definition of success.  ~BSG~

Boyfriend Loves Porn More Than Me

Dear Bitter Single Guy: My boyfriend and I have been together nearly five years now.  We had a normal, active sex life for a few years.  The last year or so, our sex life (we’re in our late 20s) has dwindled to maybe twice a month.  I work part time during the day because I have a young son, and he looks at porn before I get home, or hurries to do it when I leave to go to the store or something.  We got in an argument once about it, and he admitted to me that he’s not attracted to me anymore because I’ve gained weight.  I HAVE gained weight, and I respect his comment that he’s maybe not as attracted to me as he once was.  I’m working on changing that issue, yet he seems so unwilling to compromise on his issue.  I’ve told him I don’t like how often he looks at porn, but it always leads to a fight, which is then “forgotten” or he is mad that I’m still upset.  We never get to the issue.  I don’t have a problem with porn in and of itself.  Even I look sometimes.  My issue lies with how I feel when he hurries to do it when I’m at work or when I leave, yet we never have sex.  I feel frustrated and hideously unattractive.  I’m not sure if it’s the lack of attraction to me, or if that’s simply an excuse.  He works nights, and even wakes up after just a few hours to look at it while I’m gone (well, maybe not TO look at it, but it happens).  He then is tired and sleeps all evening before work.  I’m mentally exhausted and just don’t know what to do.  He’s constantly telling me he loves me, and about how we’ll get married and get a house like we’ve always wanted.  I feel like I’m not justified in being upset, yet I AM upset. ~Competing With Porn~

Dear CWP: The Bitter Single Guy applauds all the work you’ve obviously done to become so accepting of things you can’t control! Respecting Porn Boy’s comments about your weight gain is very evolved, but the BSG thinks that the real issue here is that you can’t intellectualize away your feeling of upset. Well, duh.

CWP you have every right to be upset and the BSG recommends fully embracing your upset in order to figure out what to DO about it. Yes CWP, action is required here. The BSG wants to put the porn issue aside, because he doesn’t think that’s the problem. The problem is that Porn Boy, with whom you’re apparently planning a marriage and life together, isn’t attracted to you and you find that you’re not quite done with sex.

The BSG thinks the idea of spending the next 60 years or so without sex is definitely cause for upset. Here are some options:

·         Lose weight. The BSG knows it may be perceived as insensitive by some of his readers, but he is committed to being truthful. IF your Porn Boy found you attractive when you weighed less and IF you want him to be attracted to you again, getting back to the weight you were when he WAS attracted to you is a logical step.

·         Open your relationship and find a man who likes heavier women. Girlfriend, whether you’ve put on a pound or a kilo, there are men (and women for that matter) who will think you’re the sexiest thing walking. The BSG isn’t a fan of open relationships because he thinks they lead to heartbreak more often than not, but if the goal is an active sex life and a lasting relationship with your Porn Boy, this IS an option.

·         Dump Porn Boy and find a relationship with a man who finds you sexy in all your incarnations.

CWP, note that in all these choices YOU are the one who has to take action. You can’t expect Porn Boy to do anything differently because he’s probably getting what he wants. He’s got tons of internet hotties all times of the day and night and once or twice a month he’s got you. You’re the one who’s unsatisfied (in several ways), so you’re the one who has to act. ~BSG~

Dumped But Not Really

Dear Bitter Single Guy: After my divorce 7 years ago I decided to try the online dating.  One of the good ones that advertise on the tube.

I met this wonderful, intelligent, beautiful woman during the month of June of 2007.  After many e-mails and phone conversations we committed to meet at the local coffee house.  As we got out of our vehicles our eyes met and smiles came across our faces giving each other the feeling of visual confidence.  I felt instant attraction.  Our relationship grew from there.  We traveled to various places  and had the best sexual relationship that we have ever experienced.  It was open and honest and love grew within us with each passing day. 3..4…5….6 months pass with sex as the main course.  Then we started to slow down and settle into the relationship.  We talked about our thoughts and didn’t hide anything. It was great.  Not one cross word ever between us.  EVER.  As time went on we knew that we were the real deal.  So I sold my house and I moved in with her.  She would say things like “How did I get so lucky” or “Where did you come from?  I Love you so Much”  of course these were all reciprocated.  We loved each other and that was that.

She started school to get her Masters and I started too just to get an Associates.  The home became a study hall of sorts plus she managed her teaching at the hospital.  It became apparent to me that she was in overload.  Our time of love turned into studies and sleep.  Our finances was not the best but we were not starving either.  I sent most of  my cash to my son while he finished school and she did the same with her two oldest.  I could not contribute like I should have in her home expenses.  Bad move on my part.  By the end of 08 I felt the distance coming between her and I.  One day I ask her “Is everything ok”?  “no!” she replied.  It has gone down hill from that point.  She explained that she wasn’t feeling the love anymore, she was sorry and asked that I move out.  So I did.  No argument just heart ache. We were engaged too.  Sense the break up we meet occasionally for coffee, Ice Cream, movie, walks, ride in the sport car and it’s always the same.  “I’m sorry about the love thing” she says.  She will hold my hand softly as we walk or she’ll stroke the back of my head as we drive along.  I get mixed signals all of the time.  I’ve been pining over her for 5 months now.  Am putting hope against hope I suppose.  I will stopped making contact with her and I guess one of two things will happen.  She will stay gone or she will try to make contact and give me false hope all over again.  BSG what do you think. ~Just a Nice Guy~

Dear JNG: The Bitter Single Guy thinks you know what to do. As you say, the BSG recommends cutting off contact. You’re on the Friendship Track and while having friends is always a good thing, if your Ex has already done her grieving and gotten over you, then her transition of you from boyfriend to friend will be the equivalent of ripping a well-stuck bandaid hair by painful hair from a very tender part of your body.

The BSG recommends breaking off contact for two months, then re-connecting. The BSG doesn’t think you should put the entire responsibility for reconnection on your Ex, but she should bear some significant responsibility. As you say, she may not respond and if so they the bandaid will have been ripped off quickly.

~BSG~