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Heading Down the Wrong Track

July 29th, 2009 | 1 Comment | Posted in I'm A Tool

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I probably know the answer to this one, but I guess I need a bit of BSG honesty here.

I met this colleague like 4 months ago. He’s been super nice all the way, but I always had the gut feeling he’s gay – mind you, other people think the same – he talks about cute boys, and even told us about a gay dream he had… anyways, we’ve been out many times -sometimes with friends of his and lately on our own. I think I like him, but I was afraid of him being gay or bi, I guess. So this week we went out and he said he likes me, I’m great, etc. So I ask him if he is gay. And he says no. I said I will think about us getting together, since I don’t think having an office affair is such a good idea. Well, next day he was really mad at me about this gay questioning; he says he liked me because he didn’t really know me, he doesn’t like some things about me. I asked what, and he says I always stress out easily and I’m not much into cultural stuff…He also said if I had really trusted him I would have never asked him if he was gay, because he has shared all his life with me, talked about former gf’s and so on…

2 days have passed by and he’s already flirting with a friend of mine, and keeping me informed on his progress! What do you think? For the record, he had a one night stand with another colleague.  I wasn’t completely sure of liking him on the first place, but now I feel quite jealous, and I also wouldn’t like to lose his friendship, we get along very well. ~Confused at work~

Dear CAW: The Bitter Single Guy thinks you should step away from this train wreck. Whether this Fickle Fig is gay or not, he seems to have pretty crappy boundaries where his workplace is concerned. Unless you both work in a restaurant (which, to the BSG’s experience, is chock-full of inappropriate boundaries but that doesn’t seem to prevent them from operating), the BSG recommends not getting involved.

Plus, the BSG has some of the same concerns you do. Per his post earlier in the week (Girlfriend in the Closet), the BSG believes that sexual orientation and attraction are on a continuum, so a mostly hetero guy making the occasional homo comment doesn’t seem completely out of the question in the 21st Century. However, the BSG thinks that if Fickle Fig actually wants to attract and date you, then he should be smart enough NOT to talk about cute boys and gay dreams. The problem here isn’t gay, bisexual or straight…it’s just tackiness. ~BSG~

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Is My Girlfriend in the Closet?

July 27th, 2009 | 3 Comments | Posted in What The Hell?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’ve been dating this girl off and on for about three years. About 4 months ago we decided to begin a committed relationship. Soon she moved in with me. One day I was backing up info from her cell phone onto the computer (with her permission of course), and there were two video clips of two different women masturbating. I immediately asked her about this and her reply was “I thought there were guys on there with the women when I downloaded them.” My response was “Then why are they still on your phone if they were not what you wanted?” I then let it go.

Fast forward to last week…I was on my home computer checking the internet history for a site I was previously on but could remember the exact address. That is when I discovered a bunch of girl on girl porn. I was immediately angry! I asked her if she likes girls and she flat out denied it, until I confronted her about the porn. I came at her in a way that made it seem like I was ok with it. Just so she would open up about it and be truthful. She admitted her attraction to women, but said she has never done anything sexually another girl. I’m not convinced since she already lied about the subject. I have and know many men fantasize about threesomes and things like that. I’m not interested in doing that with someone I want to build a future with. I don’t want to come home unexpectedly and find her in bed with a chick or anybody else besides me. Your thoughts? ~Looking Up “Cuckold”~

Dear LUC: The Bitter Single Guy applauds your handling of the issue with your girlfriend. Although it was vaguely sneaky to appear to be OK with girl-on-girl action in order to get her to open up to you (so to speak), the BSG doesn’t have a problem with that level of sneakiness.

This is a tough one LUC, and mostly it’s about what you’re willing to live with. The BSG believes (as many folks do) that sexual orientation and attraction is on a continuum with totally homo on one side and totally hetero on the other side. In practice, the BSG thinks that more folks are somewhere in the middle than are usually willing to admit it. This means that the BSG thinks that every now and then a hetero guy will get a tingle for his frat brother after a few beers, and a homo guy will sometimes get a tingle for a Hooters Girl (beer is often involved in these encounters, the BSG thinks), and (this is where you come in LUC) sometimes a mostly hetero girl will get off on some girl-on-girl action, and so on. The BSG doesn’t necessarily think this means that your girlfriend is in the closet (although that is always a possibility), though.

Here’s the question, LUC: how would you feel about your girlfriend looking at straight porn? If you don’t mind her having some occasional eye candy, why does it matter whether it’s boys or girls (assuming, as the BSG is, that your sex life is appropriately active and festive)? The real issue is whether her looking at girl-on-girl porn, or guy-on-girl porn or (oddly) guy-on-guy porn, will result in her compromising the commitment she has to you. Bottom line: if she’s screwing around it doesn’t really matter (to the BSG) if it’s with a guy or a girl, she’s breaking her commitment to you and that’s the issue here.

If It’s Just Porn, well then you need to decide whether the idea of her getting off (yes, the BSG said it…you were all thinking it) to girls sometimes and boys (namely you) sometimes is something you can handle or if you want a girlfriend who’s porn activities will be limited to people with penises.

~BSG~

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BSG Love

July 22nd, 2009 | 1 Comment | Posted in Random Crap

Everyone now and then the BSG gets nice letters from his readers to him. Here are a few.

Dear Bitter Single Guy: How are you still single? You don’t sound at all bitter. You sound wise and kind and nuanced, with your moral compass (at least attempting to be) set to “right” as much as humanly possible.

How does one go about getting a date with you?  Yeah, I realize you probably get unsolicited love letters all the time. :-)

Awww…the BSG is so flattered! But he assures you that he’s sufficiently bitter that his relationship baggage wouldn’t fit in the overhead compartment OR under the seat in front of him. But SO flattered… ~BSG~

 

Hi BSG: Just stumbled upon your site from the search engine(not via any web 2.0). I’ve got to tell you that I really love the way you answer those questions very thoughtful and also very smooth.

The BSG is rarely called smooth, but he’s going to adopt that description of himself. Smoooooth… ~BSG~

Dear BSG: You are funny.

And you are succinct. ~BSG~

My Life is a Clash Song

July 20th, 2009 | No Comments | Posted in Stay Or Go?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: My boyfriend and I have been together for two years but things have changed tremendously since our first year together. He’s so different and reclusive now and most of this is due to the fact that his depression and panic attacks have gotten severely worse. He does not have health insurance and hasn’t been on medication for almost a year. I’ve offered to help him pay for the medicine but he is too proud and won’t accept. I worry that the man I fell in love with is gone forever, but the hope that he’ll get better and go back to who he was is what keeps me in the relationship still. Our relationship, for a good portion of it, has been so perfect that it makes breaking up hard to do. We want to be together very much but realize that love isn’t enough, especially when it isn’t working. So, what’s the hard truth? ~Should I Stay or Should I Go?~

Dear SISoSIG: The Bitter Single Guy thinks the short answer is that you should go, but don’t stop reading and go off half-cocked just yet (plenty of time for that later). Unmedicated depression or other disorders can definitely result in someone falling into an emotional pit and the BSG doesn’t think life with someone in a pit is ideal in any sense.

The real issue here SISoSIG, is convincing your bf to get the help he needs. If not you helping him buy medication, there are often community programs that can help him. The problem of course, is that being depressed gets in the way of doing something about being depressed, which makes it tough to muster up the motivation to help himself the BSG suspects.

But back to you SISoSIG. If you’re miserable and if you believe that your bf’s depression and panic attacks are what’s bringing you down, you may have to make that tough decision and bolt. Perhaps your absence will inspire him to get the help he needs.

~BSG~

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Is Email Really Cheating?

July 18th, 2009 | 1 Comment | Posted in Uncategorized

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’ve been married over 20 years and just found out my husband has been posting personal ads on Craig’s List under the casual encounters.  He requested to meet for “breakfast and maybe more”.

I have been a stay at home mom for over 15 years.  I’ve given up my career and unfortunately find myself financially dependent on him. With this, I’ve lost a lot of self esteem, but not myself respect and marital morals.

I also feel that this may have been going on in the past, should I turn a blind eye or a stiff boot? If he doesn’t take it to the level of actually meeting this other woman, do you think he is looking to stray or looking more as some fantasy talk on the internet.  I can’t keep pretending that nothing is going on. ~On The Right Track~

Dear OTRT: Short answer is that the BSG doesn’t think that Email is cheating any more than planning a bank robbery is a crime, but it seems a pretty easy step from the plan to the act, so the Bitter Single Guy thinks that ignoring this behavior would be an enormous mistake. Clearly your Deceptive Darling isn’t getting everything he wants out of his relationship, so he’s shopping around to get those things elsewhere. As the up-to-now sole provider of his relationship needs, you have a right to see what the heck is going on.

The BSG recommends a frank conversation. There’s no easy way to beat around the bush with this. Tell him what you found and what it means to him. You ask the BSG whether you should turn a blind eye or a stiff boot and the BSG wonders if there is another choice. Many couples are able to recover from an issue like this one, but only through tons of communication and work. One could argue that choosing not to address the issue at all is one way to get through it, but the BSG is never a fan of denial.

Have the conversation. You have a right to reclaim your self-esteem by asking Deceptive Darling what the heck is going on. Good luck OTRT. ~BSG~

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