The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Husband Has Lost All Interest

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’ve been with my husband since Grade 11 and we got married when I was 22.  Now almost 2 years into our marriage things have changed drastically.  The connection that we once had is almost completely gone!  He says it’s all me.  It’s only when I am in a sour mood that the relationship suffers and it’s only when I am happy that it’s doing well, he’s “just along for the ride”.  This attitude towards our marriage is very disturbing to me especially these days were it seems his mood swings are getting worse.  Just this weekend we went out with some friends that haven’t been home in years and by the end of the night he was rum-dumb and telling me he wished I didn’t go with them then advising people on the street never to get married!

We are both too young to be stuck in a loveless marriage, just going through the motions because we feel we have to. I would love to get things back to the way they were but should I be taking my husband’s comments and lack of effort as he has already given up! ~Marriage On the Ropes~

Dear MOTR: Gracious, the Bitter Single Guy thinks this is harsh! Based on your husband saying he’s just along for the ride and him advising people on the street not to get married, the BSG thinks the end is near for your marriage.

Here’s the advice MOTR: tell your Charming Chap that the two of you need some counseling if you’re going to make it. The BSG agrees that your 20’s is awfully early to be in a loveless marriage…usually one has to wait until one’s 40’s for that.

In counseling, the issue of “along for the ride” should definitely come up…Charming Chap needs to be an active participant in his marriage if he’s going to get anything good out of it. Similarly, the BSG doesn’t think that alcohol brings out untrue things, he thinks it brings out things we’re not willing to say sober. If Charming Chap is sorry he got married and sorry you are around him when he’s in his cups, the BSG suspects that’s also true when he’s sober he’s just not willing to say anything.

If he won’t go to counseling, the BSG recommends you start thinking about what your options are for staying happy in this relationship or out of it. Much good luck to you MOTR. ~BSG~

The Scoop on Online Dating

Alright BSG, what do you think about online dating websites? Do you think they are only for the mega desperate people that seem to be complete social failures? Or do you think that they are legitimate especially for those with busy lifestyles or are tired of the bar scene. Obviously I am debating joining one but I would rather think they are more like the second description…hopefully…. ~Sitting with Mouse Poised~

Dear SMP: The Bitter Single Guy thinks online dating is the bomb! Seriously SMP, the Age of The Internet has brought richness to our lives that was once unthinkable. All our holiday shopping can be done from the safety of our desks, tracking devices placed on pets and children can be monitored 24/7, and people with the creepiest fetishes can find each other and live happily ever after. What’s not to love!

The BSG covers online dating here in much greater detail, so he’ll refer you there. In short though, don’t expect your online dating experience to be like live dating and for heaven’s sake SMP don’t let online dating replace real dating. You’d be shocked at the number of BSG readers who write in that their online BF or GB…whom they have never met…is becoming distant. Yes, you read that right.

So provided you approach online dating like a job and don’t let your feelings get caught up in who does and doesn’t reply to your profile. Good luck SMP.

Been Given the Runaround

Dear Bitter Single Guy: My query is in relation to a girl I met a couple of months ago. She is over 4 years older than me and I am 26. I know that she was married a few years ago but her husband left her for another woman, this does not bother me in the slightest, however I believe she has a totally different view on relationships/men now. I have been keeping in contact with her and she has been ringing me late at night.

Over the past month I have stayed over at her place, however no sex occurred nor was instigated. It all seemed to be going well, however recently she has given me the cold shoulder and I feel a bit used. Now anytime I text her I get a one word/blunt reply. My question is what do I do now, or is it something I did. ~Getting The Runaround~

Dear GTR: This is easy for the Bitter Single Guy to say, but won’t be easy to hear. Your Jilted Jewel is using you for her rebound relationship. She’s taking control of her bruised heart by stringing you along and reclaiming her power in a relationship.

This relationship is over. Don’t text her anymore, not even to get the last word (it’s SO tempting to get one last zinger in there before you go dark, the BSG knows). If you are her rebound relationship, she’ll probably just go dark herself. If  however, she actually likes you and is just being evil and controlling about her affections, then you going dark will get her attention and let her know you’re not to be trifled with.

But GTR we both know that this is actually over. ~BSG~

How Old is Too Old?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Back in March, this guy broke up with me because he wanted to move on and see other people. I think he was cheating on me, but of course he denies it. While we were dating, he told me about his aunt and uncle that live in the same city as us. They seemed like cool people, I always wanted to get to know them, but before I could they got a divorce. And I got dumped.

To make a long story short: I met my ex’s uncle, and we really hit it off. He’s twice my age, but I really, really enjoy spending time with him. He says he’s not ready for a relationship, but I’ve been seeing him for the past 3 months and things are going really well for us. He says that he’s too old for me and the relationship being as it is (he’s my ex’s uncle) things can’t stay like this forever.

It sounds crazy, I guess. Is this situation just too messed up, and should I abandon ship even though I’m really happy in my situation? Or should I just let things take their course? ~Likes Old Men~

Dear LOM: The Bitter Single Guy sees two things going on here: you dating within your ex’s family and you dating a man twice your age. Let’s look at them separately, shall we?

The BSG doesn’t think there is anything wrong with the Old dating the Young. There are countless stories out there about emotional age vs. chronological age and the gist seems to be that if everyone is having fun then why the heck not? All the stuff that goes with big age differences will apply and may eventually get in the way:

·         You probably don’t share musical/movie/book tastes

·         You won’t get the pop culture references that he and his same-aged friends make to time periods during which you weren’t alive or were just “on the teat”.

·         If you assume (the BSG does not necessarily assume) that the purpose of a dating relationship is to find a long-term relationship, then you might think about what it will be like to be with him when he’s 80.

All that aside, the BSG’s earlier point still applies: if everyone’s having fun, why not? Although the BSG feels he should say that if Grandpa is clear with you about not wanting a relationship and you’re hoping he changes his mind, then you’re almost certainly going to get your heart broken. But that’s no reason not to hang in there…broken hearts are easier than dead ones (that’s dark even for the BSG).

The second point is about dating within your ex’s family. The BSG believes that there are people who will find this creepy, including your ex. Yeah, as he thinks about it, the BSG is pretty sure that the idea of his uncle “going” where he had been will be pretty creepy to your ex. But what the heck, that’s his problem.  Except that it will likely cause familial problems for Grandpa when, at the extended family gathering, he shows up with you to introduce you to his nephew (oops, you already know him), and maybe his ex-wife or his sibling (your ex’s parents?). Yeah…it can get ugly.

But you know what LOM? Relationships have plenty of landmines. If you avoid them all you’ll miss out on a great time. Hang in there until it gets all dramatic and Jerry Springer-like then write back to the BSG for some support on getting over Grandpa. ~BSG~

Picky Dater

Dear Bitter Single Guy: So it’s Saturday night and here I sit writing the BSG about dating. Seems I have a problem with dating doesn’t it? I do and I’m extremely frustrated with the whole business.

I do get asked out on dates, and the ones I accept, never seem to pan out… postponed indefinitely or talk about it, but it never happens. And I also get asked out by guys that I have no attraction or interest in. I have resorted to online dating. Every guy that shows interest in me I, once again… have no interest in or the least bit of attraction to. And the guys that I message do not reply. I feel like I’m in a league all by myself.

I was able to meet someone that I interested in. After looking at his profile, messages and a phone call, we met for dinner and he was totally not my type. I called my friend on the way home to tell her how it went and she reprimanded me by saying that I can’t be so picky and still complain about not having dates. Where the hell is the middle ground here?! Is it bad that I put so much into the initial physical attraction? I want to be able to say “OMG! He’s so cute” not “Oh God, WTF!?” I feel like I am playing games with guys if I accept dates with those I am not attracted to.

BSG I wish you could sit at the computer with me and point out which guys I should be “going for”. Am I looking out of my league? ~League of My Own~

Dear LOMO: Writing to the Bitter Single Guy on a Saturday night isn’t such a bad thing…it’s like you had a date with the BSG! Personally, the BSG had a great time and promises to call you soon (don’t believe him, he always says that).

LOMO, the BSG has so much to say here, so he’s going to try to be concise:

1.       You don’t need a date every Saturday night. Spend one of those evenings going to a poetry reading, or taking a pottery class. Do something that makes YOU a more festive date. Every product on the market has to go through a Research & Development phase at some point.

2.       You get asked on dates, but not by the guys you’re attracted to? Welcome to the world of dating (fun, yes?). We are always in this triangle of pursuing someone who is busy pursuing someone else, who is busy pursuing us. Your friend is partially right, if you’re too picky, you’ll miss out.

3.       Your friend is partially wrong. In the BSG’s opinion, if you’re not attracted to someone at first, you’re not going to be attracted to them later. Many people look great “on paper” but in person there’s no spark. There has to be a spark.

4.       Stop believing that you can tell if there is a spark online or on the phone. Yes, if you meet in person and there’s no spark, politely decline a second date  (the BSG has ranted separately about being honest in these situations, so he won’t rant here). However, if someone contacts you on an online dating site, don’t believe that you can judge who they really are by their picture or profile. Meet them in person. This is the part that your friend is partially right about.

5.       There IS a middle ground between “OMG, He’s so cute” and “Oh God, WTF?”. Not every great date will look like that freak from Twilight (really folks? HIM? Ugh).

6.       Finally LOMO, of COURSE you’re in a league of your own! And so is every single guy you connect with (and don’t connect with). Let go of this idea of leagues. Really, back to the BSG’s previous comment, didn’t we learn anything from Twilight? If beautiful, charming, educated vampires can love geeky, backward, klutzy girls, then isn’t there hope for all of us?

Keep trying LOMO, it’s the only answer. ~BSG~