The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Fickle Men Fickle Plants

Dear Bitter Single Guy: About a year ago I became friends with a guy in college. When he met my roommate he started coming over to see her, took her out, sent her flowers and the only time he talked to me anymore was when he called her.

She wasn’t interested, so he lost interest in her and started talking to me again.  We spent time together as friends, kissed a few times and eventually even had sex.  We talked about dating, but he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I really have grown to like him and I want there to be a chance between us but I don’t know what to do. I want him to take me places and call me like he did with my old roommate, at least as friends. Any insight on what’s going on in his head? ~Girl “Friend”~

Dear GF: Once, the Bitter Single Guy had a beautiful plant that he brought home in a festive pot. He dutifully watered, loved and spoke to Plant regularly. In time, each leaf turned brown and dropped off the branches. Recognizing failure, the BSG put Plant on the porch and ignored it.

Soon, one or two sickly new leaves appeared. The BSG was heartened by his success and began caring for Plant again. For a while it continued its sickly life, then took a turn for the worse.

Are you getting the picture here GF? Plant toyed with the BSG’s emotions by warming up, getting cold, then warming up again. In a fit of frustration, the BSG finally left the damned thing out on the porch. It’s still there, a dry old stick. (at this point, the BSG is uncomfortable with this metaphor and wants to abandon it)

So, after so much babbling, GF, the BSG has this advice: stop trying to figure out the best way to nurture this relationship. Let it go. ~BSG~

Shakespeare Girl Gets Titillated

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Ours is a very Shakespearean relationship; that is to say, my friend and I get along like Benedick and Beatrice in the opening acts of “Much Ado About Nothing”. “[We] never meet but there’s a skirmish of wit between [us]“. He irritates me in the extreme, but I find that I think about him rather more than is healthy.

The problem, is that he would have to change rather significantly (including ditching his ridiculous haircut) to make him into relationship material, but I would not be willing to make any changes myself, and don’t think it’s fair to ask something that I can’t reciprocate. I wish I could get my friend out of my head!  BSG, any suggestions? ~Lady Distain~

Dear LD: The Bitter Single Guy is an unlettered oaf! LD, good for you for rising above the pettiness of the world to recognize that your life mirrors classic art. That aside, LD, the BSG can only reply with a resounding “Puh-leeeez!”

“There’s a skirmish of wit between you” (said sneeringly), you won’t have anything to do with him unless he changes his haircut (good for you for taking the high road, LD), you think about him rather more than is healthy? LD, you’re hooked. This guy is really blowing your skirt up, isn’t he? Admit it, you’ve giggled when you’ve thought about him haven’t you? You’re gone already, LD, the only act left is The Act if you get the BSG’s drift (the BSG appreciates his own theatrical puns).

But here’s the rub. If you approach Prince Charming and tell him that, insults aside, you want to take this repartee to the next phase, you will change the nature of your relationship. In other words, LD, having a (gasp!) date with Prince Charming – new haircut or old – may dull that spark that you find so appealing (don’t try to tell the BSG you don’t find it appealing, he knows you too well).

But on the other hand, if you do nothing you get just that…nothing. Just don’t quote Shakespeare to him on the first date; you’ll seem easy.~BSG~

The Relationship Restaurant

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I recently started a relationship that was just beginning to become intimate when he pulled away, telling me that he had past issues about dating co-workers. I know that there are feelings and a very strong sexual attraction between us, but even now when we don’t work together, I have difficulties getting him to talk about our relationship. I don’t have much experience dating men, having mostly dated women. (I don’t know if that means anything or not.)

I have even asked him if he wants to break up. He says no, that he wants to have an open relationship with me, and that I do mean a lot to him. He seems to get very flustered when he is around me but gets very aroused when we are intimate together. — Confused And Frustrated

Dear CAF: The Bitter Single Guy finds himself wondering if you and this gentleman have dined out together? Was he a steak and salad guy or a buffet guy? The BSG’s guess is that he asked the waiter to bring him several dishes artfully displayed and he nibbled from each as it pleased him. If asked why he wanted his meal served that way, he replied that “issues came up from his past about restaurants”. If asked if he would like to finish any of the dishes, he would probably want “to have an open relationship with each dish and that each one does mean a lot to him”.

Further, the BSG bets that when he was faced with desert, he was “very aroused” and managed to scarf down the desert with no obvious commitment problems. Are you getting the point, CAF? He can eat his meal any way he wants to, but as one of the entrees you should only participate in this meal if it makes your toes curl.

Does your lesbian her-story make a difference? Sure, everything makes a difference. Are you less informed as a result? Hardly! He gets aroused when you’re intimate? Here’s a tip: most guys have been aroused by a TV commercial.

Oh CAF, the Bitter Single Guy’s heart goes out to you. At one time he found himself in a situation where his expectations and his date’s did not match. The solution? Change your expectations or change your date. ~BSG~

Football or Relationships?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: My girlfriend hates sports and I love them. I watch every Patriots game and the Red Sox playoffs games were big for me recently. She wants to leave me over this and I don’t know what I should do. I mean, I will miss a game to keep her happy but she is fed up with me. I need HELP! – Confessed Sports Junkie

Dear CSJ: The Bitter Single Guy is concerned that your delicate daffodil wants to am-scray just because of your sports affliction (yes, the BSG said affliction; he believes in moderation in all things). CSJ, the BSG is going to wander out onto a skinny, splintery limb here and ask why television in any form is ever preferable to human companionship.  Is it really necessary to see EVERY Patriots game, despite the obvious charms of those gentlemen? The BSG completely understands your commitment to the playoffs and believes that your girlfriend would too; if your commitment to sports didn’t supercede your commitment to her.

On the flip-side, the BSG would mock your girlfriend if she wrote to him to say she had tossed aside a perfectly good relationship because of a sports addition (yes, this time the BSG said addiction because he believes that’s how your girlfriend would describe it in her letter). The BSG’s advice is that you should find a happy medium where you can see sports on TV and also spend time with your delicate daffodil.

~BSG~

Codependents Are Us

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I am only 15 but I am deeply in love with a girl. I love her more than anything in the world and we have been friends for a very long time. I’m really happy when she is, so I strive to make her happy. Is it OK to live your life for another person? Is this normal? ~I Live to Make her Happy~

Dear ILTMHH: The BSG wants you to go, right now, to your dictionary (every 15 year old should have one). Open that dictionary to the “c” section and look up codependent. The BSG will wait…

OK, ILTMHH, if your dictionary is anything like what the BSG found in his own dictionary, you probably see some mention of “psychologically dependent in an unhealthy way”.

Now look back at the part of your letter where you ask if it’s OK to live your life for another person. ILTMHH, take some time looking between that definition of codependent and your own letter. In case you’re not getting it… NO, it’s not OK to live your life for another person. If you’re LUCKY, all you’ll get is bitter and resentful. ~BSG~