The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Some Men Might Be Pigs

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’m involved with this girl. OK, I’m married, but it’s not the happiest relationship.  If that wasn’t enough, I’ve been working with younger and really cute girls.  I stopped working there, but stop by every now and then to say hi and flirt.

The dilemma I have is which one do I take to this party coming up (wife will be out of town), the 21 year old herbal remediest, or the 19 year old with the great butt?  ~Flaunting What I Got~

Dear FWIG: Wow.  The Bitter Single Guy needs to say again: Wow.  Normally, he wouldn’t take the opportunity to answer a letter like yours because really…what would he say?  But every now and then, the BSG takes the opportunity to inspire a little rage in his readers.  Right now, every woman who has read your letter would enjoy nothing more than to see you on Oprah being eviscerated in front of her screaming audience.  You would be history faster than Oprah could say “Tom, get off the damned couch!”

But wait, there’s more!  FWIG, the BSG should also let you know that there are tons of MEN who are also wishing for you to be removed from the gene pool.  Some of these gentlemen may have just convinced the women in their lives that men are not really the pigs that we’re so often made out to be.  Not to say that there are not other Randy Rapscallions out there who are saying “Dude, no WAY!” with big grins on their faces.  The BSG guesses that you all go out for a brew ever now and then, yes?

Then there’s you.  Really, FWIG…wow.  The Bitter Single Guy wishes, as he does for all his readers, that you get exactly what’s coming to you.  Good luck with that. ~BSG~

BSG and Occam’s Razor

Dear Readers: The Bitter Single Guy occasionally trots out an alter ego to help shed light on a particularly bumpy issue. Boundary Boy (!) has often come to the rescue of readers unable to set their own boundaries. Today, the BSG is delighted to re-invoke the spirit of his more cerebral alter ego: Bitter Science Guy. The Bitter Science Guy (BSG) helps us understand the wacky dynamics of relationships through scientific principles (which undoubtedly irritates real scientists).

Today’s lesson: Occam’s Razor. The Bitter Science Guy first heard of this sublimely simple rule on The Simpsons; a constant source of enlightenment for the BSG (particularly Lisa Simpson).

Occam’s Razor states that the simplest explanation is likely the true one. You are wondering how this matters for your current relationship, and the BSG is glad you asked.

Recently, a dear friend of the BSG realized that his relationship had gone somewhat lukewarm. The BSG’s friend, who we’ll call Robbie, realized that he had not shared more than a warm handshake with his Delicate Flower for several weeks, so asked her about this anomaly.

Delicate Flower assured him that all was well. “Pshaw!” she blustered. “I care for you just as much as ever, Robbie! In fact, I’m just so thrilled that we communicate as well as we do and I’m sure glad that we’ll always have our friendship no matter what happens. The good thing is that everything is just perfect now!”

Despite this handy reassurance, Robbie found himself feeling more and more low and more and more rejected as his formerly amorous Delicate Flower pulled more of her petals out of his grasp. He knew however, that everything was just fine because well…she had TOLD him that it was all just fine!

Obliviously, Robbie shared all this, whereupon the BSG invoked Occam’s Razor, or what in more recent times has been called “If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck”.

So the BSG asked Robbie more about the nature of their relationship. Turns out they go to the movies sometimes, but don’t hold hands. They have coffee together and laugh and laugh about friends in common and stories from work. Sometimes they even share a peck on the cheek and at these times, Robbie’s Delicate Flower often tells him how much she appreciates his friendship and devotion.

At this point, it became the BSG’s responsibility to tell Robbie what all you gentle readers have figured out, but what still eluded him. “Walks like a friendship, quacks like a friendship? Robbie, the romance has skee-daddled out of your relationship and you are what your Delicate Flower wanted you to become: friends. There was no pesky break-up, no need to separate belongings, or to be unhappy at all! Isn’t that GREAT!”

It’s been a month since the BSG has seen Robbie and he knows that Occam’s Razor may have cut Robbie a little closely. Once the cold light of reality shone on Robbie’s relationship, that duck quacked and Robbie couldn’t believe his silliness.

Here’s the word, Dear Readers. You’ve heard the BSG say that if it’s too good to be true it probably IS too good to be true. Hear it again. If it seems like you’re only friends, you are. Sorry Robbie.

Letting Go of the Past

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’ve been seeing this guy for almost a year. He cheated on his ex with me once time, and then we got together a year later.  Now she (the ex) just won’t go away!  When he and I first started talking again, I got prank calls.  Now she calls him crying when she stops seeing a guy, and when I gripe, my boyfriend says that his ex is fragile and he feels obligated to help. What am I suppose to do? ~Ex-hausted From His Ex~

Dear EFHE: The Bitter Single Guy feels he needs to make a quick statement about your charming chap cheating with you on his distraught girlfriend. You know as well as the B.S.G. that if they’ll do it WITH you they’ll do it TO you. Watch your back with this one EFHE.

Now that some time has passed, however, the BSG understands your frustration with your charming chap’s inability to cut the cord. What you understand (that he does not) is that it is past time to cut the cord. If this girl is fragile, she should get therapy. As long as your boyfriend remains her self-appointed caretaker, she’ll remain firmly in that role if for no other reason than to screw up your relationship (one can hardly blame her…she probably thinks you screwed up hers).

The BSG wonders if your charming chap has an exit strategy for this damsel in distress? Does he imagine that one day she will just tire of calling him, or that she will become strong and self sufficient and shove her ship away from his dock some day? Nope, the BSG pictures you and Charming Chap at a large Thanksgiving dinner with your children and grandchildren when he has to put down the carving knife in order to take a call from the Damsel in Distress who will have interrupted her own family event in order to interrupt yours. Cut the cord EFHE; it’s time. ~BSG~

How Long Do I Wait?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I am with my boyfriend since 3 years and a half. We have been living together since. Recently I asked him if he was thinking about a future with me like getting married, have kids… He said he was not thinking about getting married for now. His life is too on-stable: no degree, stable job and family issue. It is clear for me that I want to get married with him and start a family in the future. What should I do in this situation. ~Clock is Ticking~

Dear CIT: The Bitter Single Guy thinks you need to give this another 6 months, then bring it up again with your boyfriend. The question then needs to be whether or not he believes he will ever be ready to get married and start a family. If the answer is “someday, once these other issues are resolved” then decide how long you want to hang in with him.

If his answer is “probably not”, “I don’t think so” or something similar, then the BSG hates to be the one to tell you but you’ll need to decide whether being un-married and childless with this man is more important to you than finding a man who wants the same things you want.

Ending a relationships that is good in the present, but doesn’t seem to have a future is hella hard, CIT. But the BSG and you both know that there really isn’t any other choice if he doesn’t want what you want. That said, the BSG (and his readers) can think of lots of examples of people who didn’t want to take the marriage-and-children plunge, but found out that it wasn’t nearly as scary as they thought and actually has some benefits. The BSG hopes your boyfriend is one of these Reluctant Romeos. ~BSG~

Love from 40 Years Ago

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have located a woman whom I was and am in love with from 40 years ago. We were both young then. She says now that it was only a crush on an older guy who paid attention to her. I was in love with her but afraid of her father who was a police officer. I was 22 at the time and she was 17. I have always remained in love with her. She says that I came into and out of her life so quickly she never had a chance to build any relationship. She said I just disappeared which I did. Now it 40 years later she is a widow with grown children. I come suddenly into her life professing my love. She says she was flattered back then that an older guy was attracted to her now she can only offer her friendship. I love this woman as much today as I did then maybe even more. I think I have hounded her with emails, songs and such that maybe I am pushing her even further away. Is it possible you think that anything could ever be between us? I am 62 years old and I do not know what to do or to turn to for advice. Most would consider me just a crazy old man I suppose. ~Rekindling the Flame~

Dear RTF: The Bitter Single Guy doesn’t think you’re a crazy old man. Rather he applauds you for deciding what you want and going for it. So many of us let things go and wonder what might have been, but not you! Nice work RTF.

But the BSG also doesn’t think you’re in love with this Lost Lily, if you ever were. The BSG thinks that 40 years ago, a normal girl came into your life and you, for the past 40 years, have pinned all your might-have-beens to your memory of this girl. The BSG is guessing that you’ve had other relationships in your life that haven’t turned out as magically as you imagined the one with Lost Lily would and all the while you figured that your life would have been better with her. The BSG knows this is a hard thing to hear (read), but he knows you come to him for the hard truths.

RTF, good for you for deciding what you wanted and going for it, but it’s time to face the truth. You are in love with a memory, which is not a bad thing to be in love with, but it’s not up to Lost Lily to populate your memory with reality. The BSG wants to remind you that you don’t even know this woman. The day to day of love has a world of tiny annoyances, victories and defeats that you’ve missed completely because Lost Lily has been a static memory in your head. Heck, you have been able to let her “age” any way that you wanted her to! So it’s no wonder you remained in love with her.

Stop stalking Lost Lily with emails and songs and such. Add her to your Christmas card list so she knows how to find you if she wants to. If she ends up thinking back to the crush she had on you 40 years ago, let her contact you. But you and the BSG both know that you need to move on. ~BSG~