The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

My Boyfriend is Mad Because I Dumped Him

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I recently broke up with my bf of almost 4 years. We had a really good relationship and things were progressing towards marriage. We talked about engagement and kids, the whole nine yards.

As a result of all that talk of the future, I got somewhat cold feet, and asked him for a break, some time apart to let me think about us; there were some past issues relating to him protecting me. Sorry to end it short there. Otherwise, the story would get really really long. He was unwilling, but gave me that time. Two weeks into the break when I called him, he was acting like we had been broken up. That was so not my intention, but apparently he thought this was my slow rejection.

Eventually, that break turned into a breakup (surprise). I eventually came to the conclusion that I was ready to go 100% all in. No more feeling scared of the future.

To make a long story short, I asked him to get back together and he says no. I ask him why, and he says that I walk out on him too much, that my first impulse is to run away. BSG, why on earth is he thinking like this?

He says he can’t trust me anymore because he’s afraid that i’m going to end up walking out on him in our future when his parents die and his business goes bankrupt. We’re both 28. He may have showed my desire for a break as indecisiveness, but I explained to him over and over that that wasn’t the case. He starts point out all the other incidents in the past where he says i walked out on him: when we had an argument, I chose to walk away and return later on; when he was getting knee surgery, i took care of him for 2 months straight…one day i got really tired and cranky and couldn’t handle him whining and complaining, so i walked out of his bedroom…only to turn around and come right back inside and apologized for leaving the room.

He says he can’t trust me anymore and that he’s afraid to get his heart broken again. What’s the deal here? Is he seriously going to throw away a 4 year relationship because of this? I think it’s rather petty and in my head I think he’s being a child. Am I in the wrong? ~Ready Now~

Dear RN: The Bitter Single Guy absolutely understands how sometimes it’s important to step back and take stock of a situation before plunging in. The BSG thinks this is a logical and useful approach. The BSG also thinks this is an approach bound to create distrust in the person who got left behind.

Yup RN, the BSG is going to lean a little toward your Gilted Beau on this one. If you bailed on the relationship when he was all trusting and feeling good about you, then you did some serious damage to his ability to trust you. The BSG, if he were your Gilted Beau, would ask what has changed that should convince him that you’re not going to bolt again? If your impulse when you got cold feet was to dump him (which is what you did…in the typical parlance of relationships, “I need some time apart to think about us” means “I’m not brave enough to dump you directly, so I’m going to do it in stages”.) then what is going to happen the next time (and relationships, the BSG hears, are chock full of chances to get cold feet)?

RN if your Gilted Beau were to write to the BSG for advice after you ran out on the 4 year relationship, he would advise Gilted Beau to do exactly what he’s doing now. But the BSG is actually glad to have a chance to provide some advice for the other side of the coin! (that would be you, RN). OK, here’s what the BSG recommends. Say to Gilted Beau that you want a chance to earn his trust back and that you’d like to go out on a date with him. Get rid of that four-year-investment crapola, your investment in time doesn’t mean a thing if it’s an investment in a failing relationship.

Go out on some dates and let Gilted Beau start to feel comfortable again and if things go well, maybe you two can ramp back up to where you left off. But don’t expect that just because your feet have warmed back up that Gilted Beau should just welcome you back after you broke his heart.

~BSG~

Happy Thanksgiving from the BSG!

The Bitter Single Guy wants to wish all his American readers a happy and drama-free Thanksgiving. He also thinks you should all spend just $1.99 (or about 11 bucks for the print version) to get his Holiday Survival Guide. All the Thanksgiving Wisdom anyone could hope for is there.

~BSG~

Cold Husband: Get a Dog

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’ve been with my husband for the last 6ish years. We just bought a house, and are quickly rebuilding our savings account. All should be well in paradise, right? Wrong. I want a dog. I’m lonely. My husband isn’t demonstrative, and doesn’t let me snuggle much. We’re a pair of ‘old souls’ that don’t really participate in all of the hot-n-randy stuff anymore. We’re 29 and 30. We actually work together, peaceably, and spend a ton of time together. Except for this one thing – A dog.

I guess I should backtrack a little. Its not just a dog – its any subject that he doesn’t want to talk about. He says, if you keep pushing this, we’ll have trouble. I’m warning you, you don’t want to make this a relationship thing. So, generally, I shut up. But I really want a dog! Maybe its my age – I want something to care for and spoil. The ferrets USED to do it – but now, with the new house, they’re confined to one tiny playpen – takes me 5 minutes twice a day to put it in order, and they’re no longer allowed to come out and interact with me. I don’t get to spoil my husband rotten. Neither of us want children.

I tried to tell him this. I did my research, made a plan. I found a dog that was clean, small and low shedding that seldom barked (shiba inu). Today I asked, “so you like min-pins, huh?” pretty insignificant, right? Just small talk with the hubby as I make breakfast. That started the war. What can I do to convince him that 1) I should be able to have a dog 2) Its not going to ruin his life 3) It won’t be his responsibility (i take care of the ferrets and the house as it is) and 4) this passive aggressive mopey stupidness is only driving a wedge into our relationship? ~Dog Lover~

Dear DL: AWESOME! In ten years of relationship advice, you’re the first person to come to the Bitter Single Guy with a pet-related issue! DL, the BSG has to admit that he has also had dog-cravings recently…something to be happy when the BSG gets home, something that won’t go belly-up if the BSG feeds him too much (stupid goldfish), something to…well…love the BSG! But we’re not here to talk about the BSG’s lonely house, DL.

Interestingly, the BSG is going to jump right past the dog issue to what he believes is the real issue. You have a greater need for companionship and love than your husband does, so you’re wrapping it all up in this dog-thing because you’ve convinced yourself that with a dog you won’t notice what you’re missing in your relationship, eh DL? The BSG wonders why you’re willing to replace the companionship that some might expect in a marriage with a dog? You know that’s what’s happening here, right DL? The BSG thinks he needs to call a little bullshit here, are you ready?

• Don’t give the BSG this “old soul” crapola…what you’re doing is coming up with a clever rationalization for why you and your hubby don’t have sex anymore. Let the BSG clarify…29 and 30 is too young to give up your sex life.
• Don’t give in to these vague threats from your husband about “if you push this you’ll have trouble”. What the hell…is this the 1950’s? Is this Ricky Ricardo warning Lucy not to meddle in something she doesn’t understand? DL, the BSG respects your right to preserve your relationship in whatever way you need to, but he wants you to think about what you’re giving up if you feel like your ability to speak freely is stifled in your marriage.

The BSG says forget the dog and have a conversation with your husband about how everyone in a relationship gets a vote about how needs get met.  If he gets all vaguely threateny, the BSG says bring home a borrowed St. Bernard and tell him he’s yours. Push the button, DL.  See what it’s like to participate fully.

~BSG~

p.s. the BSG wants to clarify that he believes that “pushing the button” will likely result in an argument, some door slamming and some chilly silences; all of which should lead (eventually) to some better communication. If your non-dog-loving husband’s vague threats turn into something physical, dial 911. Nothing you said indicates to the BSG that you feel physically threatened in your relationship, but he would be remiss if he didn’t call out this point.  ~BSG~

Love in The Recession

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I met a guy that I am crazy about that I have been seeing for a month. The day I wanted to talk to him about making things official, he lost his job.I guess I made the mistake about talking about us anyway, and he said that he cannot give me what I want because he got out of a 4 year relationship 6 months ago so is still heartbroken and now has no job. He likes me but wants to be friends for now.

Do I want to be friends with him? Help! ~Jumped Too Early~

Dear JTE: The Bitter Single Guy definitely believes that timing is everything and can understand why unemployment would make your Jobless Gent a little wary of taking the relationship plunge with you. That said, the BSG is a little surprised that Jobless Gent threw his unemployment status at you while coming up with reasons why he couldn’t get involved. The BSG thinks that’s a little lame and that maybe the former relationship is keeping Jobless Gent wary?

Actually, the BSG has found that when people (employed AND unemployed) want to be in relationships, they find ways to make it work. If Jobless Gent felt what you’re feeling, the BSG suspects he’d jump at the chance to formalize your little relationship. The BSG thinks you should hang back…continue spending time and give JG time to settle into the recession along with the rest of us (the BSG also has spent some time jobless recently). If he doesn’t lighten up, the BSG recommends keeping one eye open for your next candidate. ~BSG~

Another Ice Cream Saturday Night

Saturday night and the ice cream is flowing…

Dear Bitter Single Guy: It’s a Saturday night and pitifully I have stumbled onto your website after vowing to stay in my pj’s and to end all attempts at contact with the opposite sex forevermore.  Wish I had a good recent story of a breakup or crazy codependent shenanigans to share, but instead I write partially out of a sense of boredom and apathy, and partially… no wait… it’s almost totally out of boredom. Sorry. But wait… I just read your little bio that you have a Masters in Psychology, which has upped my interest and made me want to at least try to formulate something worthy of a Masters level psychological type response.

O.k., here is my attempt… I have never been a dater, and have only ever been in one serious long term relationship in my 33 years on this planet.  I have liked guys who didn’t like me, and I have been liked by guys who I thought were moderately psychotic or at least semi-geeky and not my type. Now I have joined an online dating site, simply because I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my existence, but I am finding that this experience is growing old very fast.  I find it exhausting trying to be some perky, chipper wifey type material- and I have interestingly found that a good chunk of the guys that I am supposed to be compatible with stop writing when they hear about my education (yup – Masters as well). And then I get exhausted trying to weed through the profiles of 40 something year olds who still live with their mothers which are frequently sent my way.

So here are my questions… do I give up and live in my pj’s for the rest of my life?  Do I pretend to be an un-intelligent simple girl just so I don’t scare guys off?  Do I just try to come to grips with the fact that if I don’t want to be alone I need to hook up with a mildly psychotic mama’s boy?

I’m going to go find some ice cream.  This is depressing. ~Investing in Ben & Jerry’s~

Dear IBJ: Wow, the Bitter Single Guy is impressed! Take note, teens and twenty-somethings: there is a level of bitterness accessible in your thirties and beyond that you can only imagine now.

Several things IBJ:

• You have to play the game, at least a little, if you expect to win. If you’re not a dater, then it’s going to take longer for you to find a useful relationship than it would for someone who’s in the game.
• The BSG will delicately say that your interpretation of guys bolting when they hear about your education is much more likely to be your baggage than theirs. But if it’s not, then the BSG suggests meeting more guys whose experiences (including education) are more like yours.
• Online dating is not what people want it to be. Don’t sign up for one of these services and then sit back and wait for the offers to roll in. Online dating is a process of you responding to profiles in order to have way more conversations than you want in order to find one that fits.
• Finally, why don’t you find other things to do on a Saturday night? Hang with friends, join a social group, take up music lessons or some such thing. There are all sorts of ways to spend rewarding time (the BSG means NO disrespect to ice cream here) than just going on dates.

Patience, IBJ. Believe it or not, there are some folks for whom relationships come infrequently. Your time will come; do what you can now to be ready when it comes.

~BSG~