The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Dating a Grown-Up Child

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’ve realized that I’m dating a child. We’ve been together for 7 months, and we enjoy each other’s company, I love him, and he’s very sweet to me. The problem (and all our problems) lie in the fact that he’s 27, lives at home with his parents, and while he works full time, he somehow wastes away all of his money and is constantly broke (and he makes twice as much as I do and I live on my own.)

It affects our relationship because he asks to borrow money (which I do not lend him) and constantly has to cancel plans because he can’t afford to do anything. It’s ridiculous to me that he has no adult skills in responsibility, and is nowhere near being able to handle himself on his own. He’s good at doing what he’s told to do, but not at independently choosing to do it. His big problem lies in that he brought up moving in together next year, and seemed to have take a lot of steps towards preparing himself for that, and then last week over drafted his checking account, again, and now another two weeks will go by without us being able to do anything that costs money.

How can I seriously share an apt with someone like that? It’s really sad to me to lose out on a sweet guy that I love simply because he’s financially stupid. ~Not Ready for Motherhood~

Dear NRM: The Bitter Single Guy thinks you’ve got the right idea and just need to take it a little further. This is not about dating someone who’s financially irresponsible, this is about dating someone who generally irresponsible. The BSG should stress here that he’s ALL about irresponsibility when someone else is paying the bill.  But there are consequences, such as not getting to date a cool responsible chick such as you. Do you want to pay the bill for his irresponsibility, NRM?

Tell Party Boy that you’re not going to entertain moving in together until he demonstrates that he can be financially responsible, because you’re not prepared to become the only financially responsible one in your home. Once you say this to Party Boy, you’ll hear the sounds of your own parents in your voice and you’ll be appalled that it’s come to this.

If you and Party Boy move in together, it will be the end of your relationship because you’ll end up with nothing but contempt for him…the BSG thinks you’re pretty close to this now. The BSG recommends getting ready for your relationship to end, but if you think he’s salvageable, give him the chance to get his act together before you live with him. ~BSG~

Giddy Infatuation

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I read some of your advice and thought I would see what you have to say.

A year ago a met Dan, he came to my office for business related issues.  A co-worker (friend) and I ended up having a bite to eat with him while he waiting for someone at our office.  Anyway, we had a good conversation and I immediately liked him. As soon as he left my friend said “I think he likes you”. A couple days later we talked and flirted on the phone and I thought he would soon ask me out.  I found out a couple days later from his friend that he was in a relationship but it was not going well.  I don’t like getting into the middle of other people’s relationships so I did not make an attempt to reach him.  I did not hear from him again for a couple of weeks.  He then asked me out and we went on a date.  I asked him about his girlfriend and he said he broke up with her.  Our date went very, very well.  However, he did not call me after the date and about two weeks later he said he had gotten back with the girlfriend. I actually felt awful (which is not normal for me) considering we only went out 1 time and had only known each other for about a month.  I even cried.  I really liked him.

About a month and a half later, he called the office again (there had not been a day that went by that I did not think about him) he asked to talk to me and asked for my personal number again.  I did give it to him and we started talking on the phone whenever he was in town (he is a musician so he does travel a lot).  He asked me out for a second date (this is about 4 months later).  Our conversations had gotten more sexual in nature.  We were both very attracted to each other.  Anyway, the night of our date I had every intention of being intimate with him but at the last minute the thought of him going back to his ex freaked me out, made me super insecure and I left him high and dry. Now he won’t talk to me and won’t return my phone calls (I only call him once in a while – I don’t want to be a stalker). I can’t seem to let it go, I feel awful about what I did, and I never do things like that and I’m usually pretty confident.

I have dated other men but in the back of my mind I think that it’s just for the time being, until I get Dan back.  I feel like I “blue balled” myself because now I can’t stop thinking about him.  Any advice will help. ~Blue Balled~

Dear BB: So, the Bitter Single Guy is hearing that you think you’ve messed up your potential relationship with this guy because you didn’t put out?

Nope. That dog won’t hunt, BB. If this guy has decided not to talk to you because you didn’t put out on your second date, you don’t need him.

What you’re feeling is good old-fashioned infatuation. It’s debilitating, makes you feel sick to your stomach and unreasonably emotional. Aaah, the good old days.

It’ll pass, as your infatuation with this guy will pass; and good riddance to them both.

~BSG~

Engaged to a Loser

Dear Bitter Single Guy: My fiancé and I have been together for a little under a year…darning which time he has broken up with me twice.

Both times he never (to this day) has offered any sort of explanation other than ‘I don’t know’, which makes me furious beyond belief. He told me when he was in the process of breaking up with me that he wasn’t attracted to me anymore, which came as a complete shock to his friends (and everyone else for that matter). He’s always ‘tired’ and we go for three and longer week periods of time without being intimate. He’s also a liar. I don’t date people who smoke marijuana and despite promising me he wouldn’t, he has done it at least three times since we’ve been dating that I know of.

I can’t get him to open up, when he breaks up with me he gets extremely upset and remorseful, and you couldn’t make him tell the truth if his life depended on it. He’s not a bad person at all, but dating him is like dating a child!

Another thing is, he has been in college for two years and hasn’t yet picked a serious major, which extremely frustrates me. He constantly flip-flops from thing to thing as far as job plans go, and they are all things that are unsecure, like being a music producer or a rock star. YES, A ROCK STAR. He’s 19 years old doesn’t seem to get the concept of having a sound career choice before pursuing more iffy passions. I cannot and will not marry somebody who doesn’t appear to have a real future ahead of them. He’s extremely unmotivated in general.

We never have sex and rarely go out. I love him very deeply but the relationship has flat-lined and has been that way for a few months. Within the last month I have next to totally lost all sexual attraction to him (he hasn’t gained weight or anything). I don’t know what I should do, because frankly I’m tired of living like a nun and ‘talking it out’ with him does absolutely no good. He’s my best friend and I love him with all my heart, but I just don’t think there is a spark to our relationship anymore.

Should I continue trying to work with this guy or should I just walk away? ~Tired of The Runaround~

Dear TTR: Why are you dating this guy much less engaged to him?

• You’re not intimate (and apparently not attracted to each other)
• He keeps breaking up with you (although it hasn’t “stuck” yet)
• He lacks job focus and ambition (which are apparently important to you)
• He’s smoking weed (which is apparently a deal-breaker for you)

Really TTR, the BSG doesn’t get it. Dump him, your relationship is over.

~BSG~

Being the Other Woman

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I met a guy when he was single and we were both 22 (we worked together). He gave me his number we started hanging out and we would mess around, but no sex (I was a virgin) he seemed like he wasn’t ready for a relationship so I decided I would be his friend til he was ready and I down played my feelings for him so I didn’t look to eager thinking it would make me more appealing. He would ask to hang out come over I would say maybe next week, wouldn’t answer when he would call. He wanted to meet my parents I said no. (But I did like him) Then he tells me how he has met this other girl but she is heavy so he doesn’t like her but they start sleeping together.

I thought it was over between us but then he started calling me again I really liked him so I figured I would talk to him be his friend and when she was gone I would be there. I thought he was only with her because she had sex with him and I wouldn’t, so after a while I invited him to go out of town with me and lost my virginity to him. He didn’t break up with her but I really liked him he said he was going to leave her eventually I figured how much could he like her if he never stopped being with me. We continued to talk on the phone and see each other after work or when he could come to my house and we texted pictures as well as web-chatted.

Then after years of this they got engaged I was devastated but still held on. They married this year I figured it wouldn’t last because he has always been with me since the day they got together sadly even after they have been married he has slept with me(he is the only guy I have ever slept with even though it has been years) and we talk 1 or 2 times a week. (He no longer works at my job)

I love him and want him to be with me I cry because I feel like she is living the life that is supposed to be mine. I am bitter and alone. Is there anything I can do to get things back to the way they were before when he wanted me? I figure he must want me some to keep calling after all these years even though it is difficult because he is married. Please help! ~Missing Out on Life~

Dear MOL: The Bitter Single Guy is glad he chose your letter to answer this morning…as the BSG has said before, he receives way more letters than he can answer, so doesn’t get to them all. Yours needs answering, though.

First MOL, the BSG wants to tell you that his heart broke a little on your behalf as he read your letter. At first, when you described your early relationship with your Dastardly Dog (before he was so dastardly), the BSG thought this sounded like a typical case of young-love-and-heartbreak, but then the BSG kept reading (and remembered that no one’s heartbreak is “typical. Shame on the BSG.) MOL, the BSG really wants you to know that he has compassion for you and feels that you have been wronged here.

Now that’s out of the way, the BSG has some hard truths for you MOL. Are you ready?

You are a doormat and you’ve been a doormat for years.

The BSG wants you to get a therapist. Even if you can’t afford one (many company benefits programs include an Employee Assistance Program [EAP] that includes therapy sessions), there are community programs in most areas that can help. No, this isn’t the same as being chronically depressed, or hearing voices, but years MOL? You’ve been in this twisted love triangle for years!? Yeah, a therapist. NOW.

OK, the BSG will assume that you went and found a therapist and made an appointment and have now come back for the rest of the advice here.

As the BSG was saying, you’re a doormat. Years ago, you didn’t give up the booty and you became convinced that this was why Dastardly Dog was interested in the other girl, so logically you gave it up! And have apparently continued giving it up throughout his marriage so far…does the BSG have it right here? Doormat, doormat, doormat.

MOL, you’re letting Dastardly Dog use you, and the BSG is all riled up now. Don’t make him come over there. OK, here’s the bottom line(s):

1. Dastardly Dog will NEVER leave his wife for you. Why should he? He’s got her AND apparently everything he needs from you.
2. He didn’t choose her because you didn’t put out in your early relationship. He chose her because he loved her and he either didn’t love you or didn’t love you enough. The BSG knows that’s tough to hear, but it’s just the truth.
3. Your life will be miserable and you will be a doormat until you pull the plug. He never will (refer to #1 above). The BSG wants you to head down to your local video store and rent Sunshine Cleaning which has a sub-plot remarkably like your life. Note how Amy Adams dumps her Dastardly Dog. Copy her.
4. Tell your new therapist all the things you’ve told the BSG (and more), (s)he’ll be able to help you dig up whatever shreds of self-esteem you have left so you can get an actual relationship and give up your doormat days forever.

Good luck MOL, the BSG and his readers look forward to hearing how things work out.

~BSG~

Ending It Properly

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I was seeing this guy for about 4 months, and I got a little lost in the sex haze and didn’t see that that was pretty much all we had… over Halloween it fell apart when I tried to hang out with him without fooling around… not badly, but he was cold and I was annoyed that he was cold, and one thing led to another and he pulled the “I won’t call you and hope you get the message” card. I got the message.

My question is: Should I send him some sort of email to officially solidify the breakup, state that I’m not mad and then berate him gently for not doing it like a man? If so, what should I write? I know the answer is probably Let sleeping dogs lie… but I just want to make sure that I will lose face if I acknowledge this cowardly behavior… ~Want the Last Word~

Dear WLW: The Bitter Single Guy isn’t always a fan of letting sleeping dogs lie, sometimes poking that dog with a stick teaches him not to sleep by the door where he can get stepped on. The question is whether you’re ready to re-engage in this conversation if he has a clever response and doesn’t just tuck his tail between his legs.

The BSG applauds (clap, clap, clap) your realization that your time with your Charming Cur was mostly about the bump-bump and not so much about the relationshippy stuff, but the BSG wonders if you shared this with Charming Cur before changing the rules? If you decided on your own that your time together should be something other than sex but didn’t communicate that to Charming Cur, then there’s a good chance he interpreted that as disinterest on your part. While the BSG wishes that we all could just say what we mean sometimes, even the BSG has been guilty of just hoping that stuff gets communicated without having to say it (yes, even the BSG).

So WLW, assuming you made sure your own house was clean before criticizing Charming Cur’s house, the BSG recommends taking the high road. Here’s one thought:

“Hey there, since I haven’t heard from you I’m assuming that we’re done, which is what I was thinking anyway. It was fun hanging out for a couple of months, but I guess there wasn’t much past the physical stuff for us.”

The important thing here is that if you’re going to send this casual, lighthearted email with the expectation that you might NEVER hear from Charming Cur again, then you’re in the right head-space. If however, you’re expecting this last shot to open a dialogue, this is likely to backfire on you.

In summary, while it’s fun to get the last word, you have to position it correctly or you’ll end up losing the upper hand. Be strong, WLW. ~BSG~