The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

How Much is Too Much

OK Bitter Single Guy: I’ve been dating this girl for 6 months- call her ALF for A Lady Friend- and I’m absolutely gone about her.  But ALF had a really sticky breakup with her ex-girlfriend 7 months ago.  They were together for 4 years in an unhealthy co-dependent relationship.  ALF tried very hard to stay with her ex, even slept on the couch for the last year they were together, mostly because of her ex’s two teenage kids, who she genuinely loves and has been a mother figure for.  But ALF’s ex is very controlling and manipulative, and the two kids have been used as emotional blackmail.  It’s REALLY hard to watch all this, and there’s no end in sight.  My girl is in therapy and doing better with standing up for herself, and I hope for her sake she will get to have a relationship with these kids she loves so much.

But there’s very little room for me in all this.  When it’s just the two of us we make each other laugh, have amazing chemistry, and treat each other really well.  But ALF breaks plans often, and is stressed and struggling, and sometimes I feel very neglected and sad.  I tried to break it off once, saying I think she needs more time and space to deal with her situation, and she didn’t want to let me go.  Very recently she told me she loves me.  I love her too but aren’t we asking too much of a new relationship? ~Losing Hope~

Dear LH: The Bitter Single Guy thinks your break-up impulse was probably the right one. The gist here is that you need to decide how long you’re willing to wait for your Confused Carnation to decide that you take priority over her ex and her muddled relationship with the kids.

The BSG recommends stepping back and letting her come to you, and also recommends whether or not you want to remain exclusive while Confused Carnation is (at least emotionally) making room for both you and her ex. You know what the BSG would recommend.

~BSG~

Not as Hot as She Used to Be

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I am in a very serious relationship and am getting married, in fact.  As of lately, my GF had a very minor surgery that has left her slightly immobile.  So both of our lifestyles have changed to some extent in order to adapt to the situation. Unfortunately, eating habits have not.

Things are turning around for the better in-terms of her mobility, but I sense that she has grown accustomed to “not doing much.” Additionally, she may be a little bit softer as she did when we first met. I see photos from back when, and think, “wow, I wish she was like THAT.” How would you go about hinting at her to snap out of it (without the repercussions of either getting slapped or getting no-sex in the foreseeable future)? ~Longing for the Old Days

Dear LFOD: Yeah, good luck with this Dude. The Bitter Single Guy understands that you’re looking for a safe way to ask your fiancé to please become as hot as she was when you met her? The BSG can think of about a zillion ways for this to go wrong.

But he feels you, brother. The truth is that attraction is a moving target and your responsibility is to manage every part of your relationship, including the hard parts (pun slightly intended…the BSG is feeling somewhat saucy).

Focus your conversation on depression. Say something like: “Before your surgery you were really active and you seemed to love that lifestyle…I know I did. Maybe we can go for walks together, or play racquetball together, or…” You get the BSG’s drift here. He’s not sure what The Active are most engaging in these days; is power-walking out?

In short LFOD, focus on the activity that used to result in your fiancé being in shape (and attractive to you) and NOT on how she looks. Good luck.

~BSG~

Dumped By a Gamer

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I am going through a breakup and need an outsider’s eye because I’m kinda lost right now.

My ex and myself have been together for 2 ½ years and have basically been living together for that long.
The relationship started off amazing…we got along extremely well…but these past few months I have grown distant from him, physically and emotionally. I expressed to him that there were issues I had with the relationship (he is a big gamer and has said many times he is happiest when we’re sitting in the apt alone and he’s playing his game and I’m doing my own thing –and I enjoy the outside world, so that’s a problem lol)

I told him the game playing was an issue because I felt less important…so by him acting this way (among a couple other things) it kinda pushed me away, and turned me off.

Then one Saturday morning completely out of the blue, he breaks up with me and leaves (I mean completely out of the blue…he never voiced to me that anything was wrong…just a week before the break he was trying to buy me a laptop so we could play this game side by side online).

I later found out this new girl had started at his work that week and was flirting with him. I’m figuring he was getting attention that he wasn’t at home and jumped on the opportunity.It just boggles my mind though why someone would give up on 2 ½ years without even trying to fix it?

He then pulled the ol ‘I was only playing games because I was unhappy with us’…which is a complete lie, because he’s played games since we began dating, and why would he try time and time again to get me to play the games with him? He’s moved most of his stuff out (there is still quite a bit there), and has moved down the street…any insight as to why a person would move down the street??

I’m just so floored with this whole situation and feel completely lost. Any insight you can provide is appreciated! ~Can’t Believe It’s Over~

Dear CBIO: The Bitter Single Guy is sad to tell you that you’ve been dumped and there really isn’t any more to it than that. You’re working really hard to read nuance of intention into his actions: He’s moving down the street, he’s got someone new flirting with him, he says he was gaming because of the relationship when clearly that’s not true…these are all points of analysis that you’re hoping will refute the logic of the breakup and make it obvious that you haven’t been dumped.

Let go CBIO. Take a deep breath, take yourself out for a nice meal or a drink, find a friend (not a shared friend…one of yours) to commiserate with, and get about the business of getting over him. Two and a half years of (from his perspective) a relationship that doesn’t work isn’t something to continue investing in.

~BSG~

Know When it’s Over

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’m confused and hurt.  My boyfriend of four years and I have been living apart since June due to our occupations.  Due to the nature of my job as a guide on wilderness trips we were only able to communicate once a week during the summer.  September rolled along, and my guide job ended, but I’m still living many states away.  In September he was pretty upset and depressed about his living situation, and we would talk on the phone for hours.  The night before he left for a new job in California, he told me that he wanted to marry me and have kids!  Then mysteriously, since mid September we have only had one 5 minute conversation which was from a payphone!

He assured me that he still loved me but was super busy with his new hectic job, and no doubt from the sounds of it.  He does not write (even though I sent him self-addressed stamped envelopes!) and he rarely responds to my e-mails in brief non-descript messages.  I’ve been trying to tell him to freaking borrow someone else’s phone if he can’t afford the payphone, but seemingly to no avail.  It’s mid October now, and one five minute conversation is not enough.  What should I do?  I think I have tried every possible means of communication at this point.  I fear that his actions may speak louder than words.  But why would he have talked of marriage and then nada?  Do I give him some more time, or do I give him an ultimatum?  I have made it abundantly clear in my correspondences that I’m unhappy with this situation.  It’s tearing me up inside.  Thanks for your help! ~Long Distance Turmoil~

Dear LDT: The Bitter Single Guy wonders if, through some weird rift in the space-time continuum, you have written to him from the early 80s? Your Waffling Wooer has only communicated by payphone? The BSG is hard-pressed to even think of where there IS a payphone in his town. Similarly, you sent Waffling Wooer something called a “self-addressed stamped envelope”? En-vell-op? What is this thing? The BSG jokes with you in your pain LDT, not because he doesn’t care, but because…well…it makes him smile.

But let’s get to your questions, shall we LDT? The Bitter Single Guy is going to channel one of his alter egos: the Bitter Science Guy. The BSG knows, as many of his readers know, that waaaay out in space when a star gets really old, it can sometimes get really bright just before being reduced to a lump of coal (the BSG is thinking about Christmas, sort of). Scientists, including the Bitter Science Guy, call this a supernova, and if one were wont to think of stars as people (and the BSG is wont), one could imagine the star giving its last boost of enthusiasm before fading away forever.

The BSG suspects that Waffling Wooer is much like a star going supernova in that he feels the end of your relationship coming, so he throws out the last bit of brightness he can muster.  Marriage! And offspring!! This will be perfect!!! Watch us shine…oh wait…I’m busy at work…I live far away… And from there, Waffling Wooer fades to a lump of coal (the metaphor breaks down in there somewhere, but you get the BSG’s drift).

So first LDT, let’s do away with the idea that his marriage proposal should somehow influence your decision (you know where the BSG is going, he thinks).

Second, believe it or not the BSG, among his many jobs, was once a wilderness guide, too and he knows what it’s like to be out of touch with civilization and relationships while tramping around in the woods. The BSG recalls that many of his coworkers had as much difficulty as the BSG in managing relationships in that job. Some might say that the folks who choose careers that keep them entirely out of touch with the world for days and weeks at a time have a larger issue to address, but the BSG will let that sleeping dog lie.

OK LDT, the BSG has rambled on sufficiently. He suspects (as you do) that your relationship is going the way of that supernova. Here are the things working against you:

• Your job keeps you out in the woods for up to a week without communication.
• Your boyfriend has a job that keeps him similarly busy, although not in the woods (random, but seemed important to call out).
• You live a few states away.
• He’s not communicating in a way that works for you (or would work for anyone, probably).

This combination of conditions doesn’t bode well. Here’s the plan: Email him or send him a letter. (the BSG is sort of astonished that a payphone is the best he can do when he apparently is working a lot. Odd.) In the letter, tell him that the foundation of a long-distance relationship is frequent communication and that when he’s got time for his relationship with you he should let you know and perhaps you can get back together. Yes, the BSG just recommended that you dump Waffling Wooer.

You’ll either shock him into stepping up, or he’ll tuck his tail between his legs and agree that this is for the best. If it’s the tail-tucking option, you’ll go through significant anger because he obviously hoped that you would step up and take responsibility for the breakup that he couldn’t seem to manage. The BSG encourages you to embrace this anger. Waffling Wooer should be stepping up here, and the BSG finds himself annoyed without even knowing him. Grrr…

The BSG is sorry for your breakup LDT. Even if you haven’t said the words yet, the BSG is pretty sure that not talking to someone who wanted to marry you for more than a month indicates it’s time to move on.

~BSG~

Sort of Broken Up

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have been dating pretty non-stop for the past 11 years since my divorce. All of them were kind of long-distance relationships where we saw each other on weekends, and I always had my space and “freedom”. Then 4 mos ago,I met a guy who was absolutely tender, sweet and affectionate, and he looked after me. We spent three mos practically living together (he came over one night and never left ..) It was not a perfect relationship but it was perfectly normal and we both were very happy and most definitely in love. Then I started noticing all the classic symptoms of depression and withdrawl. I did not know what was going on, then he told me that it was his job (he is 100% commission sales person, and in this economy, I can only imagine what it is like having a job like that ..) But still I was not able to relate to his situation completely and kept pushing (I have a highly-paid job and I am not patient ..) I felt rejected and in the same time, my legacy commitment phobia raised its head. I kept having long, drawn-out conversations, and we picked fights with each other. This went on for about a month and half. During which, I broke up with him two and half times, but every single time he came back and tried to make up.  But then I did not see the “necessary” improvement I wanted, I got upset again. Eventually I asked him to take all his stuff out of my place.  And finally he told me what was going on – besides his dead-end job and ahole boss, he is still entangled in a complete financial diaster from the divorce (which was finalized a year before we met.)  And that a week a ago.
Before I left, we sat in his car and talked for two and half hours, and about many things (memories of past good time, what he did that hurt me, and what I did that was unreasonable, and why logically, it is the right decision for both of us not to date.) I gave him a hug and said: take good care of yourself.  He replied: why did you say that?  you don’t want to talk to me ever again?  I said: no, that is not what I meant. I am not like that.

Anyway, here is my pain:I broke up with him not because I did not care about him or did not want to be him anymore. I realized that due to the current circumstances (that his personal life is a mess) a new relationship and a demanding girlfriend is the last thing he needs to deal with right now.  But I am still so emotionally attached to him because the time we spent together, we were like family. I don’t want to date him now, but I also don’t want to lose him or cast him out of my life all together. Do I hope or at least pray that if his situation improves, we should both give it another try – absolutely.  But right now, I don’t know exactly what to do to accomplish seemingly contradicting goals – letting him know that I want to support him as a friend even that means giving him space and time, and reminding him that I still love and care for him.

He has txted me and called me apologizing for having hurt me and asking me how I was doing during past week.  I was not going to respond to any of it, but on Thur, I did pick up one call, and we talked for a while (about his job, my work, my weekend plan, etc.) He called me again Thur night, but no VM. I did not call back until last night. But he didn’t pick up. I did not leave a message (What do you say?)

Sorry for the long winding message – I am seeing a therapy now as I am “officially depressed”. But I am really curious to hear what SBG has to offer as alternative! ~On Again Off Again~

Dear OAOA: The Bitter Single Guy thinks you’re thinking too much about this (therapy will do that to you). Breakups are never easy even if they’re for the right reasons. You’re feeling a typically loss at the breakup even though you initiated it. Don’t make this guy’s life any more difficult by breaking up with him then refusing to let go.

If you want to get back together, you should think about what YOU’RE going to do to change…the BSG thinks you have made this all about your Charming Chap when in the BSG’s experience, it’s rare that breakups are anyone’s “fault”.

In short OAOA, break up or get back together, but stop stringing this guy along. ~BSG~