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Taylor and Taylor Are Done

December 30th, 2009 | 1 Comment | Posted in Celebrity Advice

Well the Bitter Single Guy knew it was bound to happen, but it was fun to dream for a little while, eh? Taylor Lautner and Taylor Swift have ended their relationship after just a few months.

So the Bitter Single Guy has some advice for finding love in their next incarnations:

Taylor (Swift) – The BSG hadn’t heard your name until someone else (whose name the BSG didn’t really know) took a microphone away from you at some award show. While the BSG couldn’t tell one of your songs from one of the many other random blonde singers (are you and Carrie Underwood the same person?) he definitely thinks that Mr. West acted inappropriately, as does  most of the rest of America.

Now, the brouhaha around your public dissing shouldn’t mean that you go for the obvious cutesy response in dating. The BSG means really…isn’t it just a little too easy to date someone with the same name. The BSG wants you to automatically reject future dates with people who share your name. Have some standards Taylor.

Taylor (Lautner) – The BSG, being a fan of the fantasy genre, had read Ms. Meyer’s vampire series and liked Jacob the Werewolf character as a foil to the (gag) perfection of Edward Cullen (the BSG should mention that while he’s a fan of fantasy, he is NOT a 13 year-old girl, so much of the Edward Cullen enthusiasm was lost on him). The BSG was pleased to see the first movie and thought it held up well to it’s minimal promise.

Upon seeing this second movie, the BSG was quite surprised Mr. Launtner! Either the producers of the Twilight movies got really lucky and found a scrawny kid to play the Jacob in the first movie who just happened to buff up to a rather impressive degree for movie #2, or (and this is the BSG’s suspicion) those soulless Hollywood-types put you up to a grueling regimen of exercise and weight training so you could pull off your werewolf gig. Beware sudden success Mr. Lautner. Many a celebrity has been little more than a flash in the pan and as some of those celebrities who now star in infomercials (the BSG is talking to you, Erik Estrada) can tell you, you’ve got a long life to live once this moment has passed.

The BSG doesn’t know how you met Ms. Swift and frankly, he doesn’t care. His advice for you is simply to be cautious. Your new status as a teen pin-up will only add to whatever hormones are rushing through your body, resulting in you being in a prime position to make really stupid decisions. Not, the BSG must clarify, that he believes your daliance with Ms. Swift was a stupid decision. In fact, the BSG thinks that was quite  a sensible star to which to hitch your wagon, if even for a little while. In short Mr. Lautner, don’t let yourself get taken advantage of because you’re pretty. Soon enough you’ll be fat and bitter and will need something sensible to fall back on.

Good luck, Taylors!



December 29th, 2009 | 1 Comment | Posted in Tips For Love

Dear Bitter Single Guy: First of all, I can relate to the bitter part of your name…for I once was bitter.

I am 52 and have been divorced for over 6 years after a rocky 16 year marriage. I decided to never date or get involved again. Then my lonely heart discovered someone I had known since the 9th grade and never once given the time of day…forgive me, SBG, I have changed. As it turns out, he is the happy in my day. We’ve been seeing one another for a month, practically every day.

The “love factor” is there and my query is, seeing I have not been in the dating scene for soooo long, could you give me the top 5 pieces (or more) of your priceless advice so I don’t screw this up? I have resolved that he is the “one” that I have waited a lifetime for. ~Besotted This Time~

Dear BTT: Yay! The Bitter Single Guy rarely gets to offer advice before things start falling apart! The BSG applauds your proactive stance, BTT.

So the BSG had to think a little about his top 5 advice points, but here they are:

  1. Don’t jump too quickly – The BSG wants you to be careful here, BTT. You’ve decided that your first relationship after a rocky 16-year marriage is the “one” but it’s not uncommon for one person to believe they’ve found their forever mate and the other person to just be spending time with someone nice. Even though you’re 6 years out of your marriage, the BSG wants you to think about this as your rebound relationship and remember…many folks have the experience of being appreciated in their relationship, so if you’re not his “one” keep an open mind.
  2. Jump – The BSG will knowingly contradict the above point. At some point, if you’re going to move a relationship forward, you’ve got to take the leap, whatever that means for you. Yes, taking leaps increases the likelihood of falling, but there’s no other way.
  3. Don’t over-analyze – The BSG is surprised how often his readers will write to him asking about the subtle nuance and deep-seated intention in a one-line email or text message. It’s natural to wonder about larger intentions and motivations, but be careful in your communication to avoid drawing conclusions where there are none.
  4. Ask for what you want – This is as simple as it sounds, but is the most common thing folks email the BSG about. Don’t assume that your partner can read your mind and don’t try to read his. Ask. Tell.
  5. Wallow in it – The BSG doesn’t actually think that relationships are supposed to last. Yes, some of them do, but the BSG believes that those are the exceptions. Most of us move in and out of romantic relationships as our lives evolve. Whether this is the one you have until you die or not, the BSG recommends enjoying every minute of it while it lasts…whether it lasts a week or a decade.

Good luck, BTT! ~BSG~

She Likes Him and He Likes Her

December 26th, 2009 | No Comments | Posted in Stay Or Go?

I hate it

Dear Bitter Single Guy: At first I had a crush on this guy who is now one of my closest friends. But this isn’t about him. One of his close guy friends and I became friends through my first guy friend. I never really minded him and totally ignored him 24/7 because he was always around this guy that I supposedly had a crush on. This guy (the annoying one) is a real joker and he’s totally immature, yet he’s funny as hell. So what first seemed as a joke, this guy started to pursue me. Unfortunately, not only did I not like him at all (since I found him extremely annoying).

He did anything and EVERYTHING to get my attention, and I mean everything. He tried to kiss me at least 15 times; he got any chance to touch my hair or to simply look at me. And he would relentlessly tease me and bother me as well, not to mention he’s also very rude and vulgar sometimes. He’s serenaded me multiple times, taken my cell phone from me repeatedly just for the sake of it. And he asked me out to the movies, but I was “busy”. Thing is, I didn’t fall for any of it cuz I knew it was all a joke to him.

Anyways, three weeks ago, my sister went to school as student for a day and her mentor was this guy. I knew she’d do something to ruin it all. I was right, and I didn’t even notice it until recently. My sister tried to match up (cuz she loves interfere with everyone’s lives) some girl from my French class and him. So what. I didn’t give a damn. This girl wears tons of makeup and apparently has been desperately scouring the grounds for a boyfriend from the beginning of the year. Plus she was nice. It didn’t bother me at all, she hung out with us sometimes and by then he still teased me, but he was getting the message that we’re not ever going to be together.

Until that day came. Two weeks ago, this guy and I had this huge fight where we ended up trying to twist each other’s arms, stab each other with pens, and we were kind of shouting at the top of our lungs in the study room. I refused to leave, so he stormed off after one of our friends made us stop.
Hours later, I’m still studying in the same spot and he comes in with that girl. They were caressing (no kissing, flirting madly, and he gave her a massage…) it took 5 minutes before I left the room to break down in tears, and I didn’t understand what was going on.

We didn’t speak to each other. He said sorry (cuz apparently that girl told him to do so) and I forgave him, but that’s it.

A few days later I left my cell phone in the exam room in the cell phone box, when I went to get it, it wasn’t there. So I called myself, and he had picked it up. He told me that he was worried that someone might steal it so he took it himself. The next day he finds me and he didn’t have it, so he takes me to his locker and I say thanks.

Once again we don’t talk to each other for a week (it was more like avoiding each other actually). But something was bothering me inside, despite my resistance, I fell for it. I fell for…him. At the end of a week, a group of us were supposed to go to dinner as a end of exams thing. He was there, and he was back to his old self again. I decided to go along with it, but this time, deep down inside (I fell for it all).

So BSG these are my questions:

  1. does he like me or the other girl?
  2. how on earth do I stop thinking about it? Is it a passing feeling? How long will it take before I get over it?
  3. if he even does like me, should I tell him, even though I’m not allowed to date? (I’m 17)

Merci, ~Traumatized Teenager~

Dear TT: Your letter made the Bitter Single Guy feeling a little like he’s taken a roller coaster ride (twisty, funny, but overall somewhat painful)! Rather than get into the deep details of your letter, the BSG will respond to your specific questions:

  • does he like me or the other girl?

BSG: Probably he likes you both and doesn’t know want to have to choose. Why should he when he’s got you (and probably her as well) all wrapped up in trying to win him?

  • how on earth do I stop thinking about it? Is it a passing feeling? How long will it take before I get over it?

BSG: It is a passing feeling and it will pass, although the BSG and his readers who are past their 20’s will also say that the depth of emotion that comes from youthful crushes is a memory to be savored as one gets older. The BSG thinks you’ve got about 2 months of these feelings before they start to fade.

  • if he even does like me, should I tell him, even though I’m not allowed to date? (I’m 17)

BSG: Are you asking the BSG if you should tell him that you like him? Sure, why not. If you’re not going to date him, then why not mess with him a little?


Lumberjack Love Advice

December 23rd, 2009 | 1 Comment | Posted in What The Hell?

Hello there, Bitter Single Guy. I have been reading your rather excellent advice for quite a while now, and am hoping you can toss a bone my way this time.

There is a guy I have known almost my whole life- he used to be friends with my older sister when we were all kids, and we have run into each other randomly over the years. There was nothing special between us because I was always the “little kid” and he was one of the “big kids” (he is three years older than me). But we ran into each other at an event for a mutual friend, and all of the sudden, something changed. I almost instantaneously realized we were both grownups now, and he was being rather attentive towards me (and is truly a nice guy, has it together, and is smokin’ hot), and I started to like him. This was about a year and a half ago.

Yes, BSG, you heard that correctly, a year and a half. For a freaking year and a half I have liked this guy even though our paths have not crossed since then (he lives in the next town over). I can’t stop thinking about him. I have Internet stalked him and even Facebook friended him (I know, I know… no, really, I do. I am under no illusions about how pathetic I am being). I even sent him a message of the friendly “hey how’s it going” variety, and received no reply (sniff, sniff).

So, you are certainly wondering, why don’t you just move on? Clearly, this is a one-sided attraction; go out and live your life, free yourself, and find someone who likes you as much as you like them! Believe me, BSG, I have “sworn off” this guy many times, tried my damndest to move on and forget about him, gone on (rather disastrous) dates with other guys, distracted myself with other things going on in my life (such as graduating from college, moving, getting a job, going on trips, planning events, hanging with friends, etc.), all to no avail. The hope that someday we’ll run into each other (somewhat likely, because we live in fairly close proximity) and he’ll miraculously realize he likes me refuses to die.

So, my question is, how do I kill that hope? I truly am sick of being so pathetically in love with someone who I am not even spending time with and want to move on with my life. Should I try to contact him again and see what happens (he is still single as far as I know…and here’s that pesky hope again…)? Or just let it be? Any insight or advice you can give me will be greatly appreciated, because as we can all see, I am getting nowhere by myself… ~Pathetic Petunia~

Dear PP: The Bitter Single Guy, as he read your letter, was put in mind of the logging days of yesteryear (before we went all tree-huggy). Trees would be felled by the scores (sounds like a fairy tale, yes?) and would be rolled down hills to some water (the BSG isn’t sure how trees felled in non-hilly places made it to the water). At this point, the logs would float in a big bunch downstream to be chopped into little pieces.

The BSG’s specific image, while he read your letter PP, was of logs getting caught together and the entire flotilla getting backed up.  This is a much more attractive picture than, say, clogged arteries, or traffic jams.

The gist here PP is that the BSG thinks something is clogged. Something is keeping you idealizing this guy you don’t even know. The BSG doesn’t know what it is, but he’s pretty sure things like jobs, trips and degrees aren’t going to get you there, because you’ve got a romantic logjam that’s making you long for someone who is unattainable. The key here, PP is that you haven’t even fallen for him…you’ve fallen for what he’s come to represent in your fantasy of the two of you.

So in summary PP, you’re in love with a fantasy, not a man. The BSG recommends spending some time (perhaps with an insightful friend or a counselor) trying to figure out what logjam is in the way of you flushing Fantasy Guy from your system. In the BSG’s vague high-school memory of lumberjack history, there is usually a key-log that, once out of the way, allows everything to flow freely. Keep poking around, you’ll find the key-log eventually. ~BSG~

Not Attracted to Who She Wants

December 18th, 2009 | 1 Comment | Posted in Random Crap

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I am a 20-something student in a professional field, and I always seem to go for the same type of guy: 5 to 10 years older than me, with virtually no career. I don’t like to judge men based on these facts alone, but I have had very bad experiences with this type of guy, and I guess I am a little shell shocked.

Recently, I have met yet another dude that fits that profile, and he asked me out. And on top of that, I met a guy with more of a career and a seemingly more gentle soul, but he might be a little shy… I booked dates with both of them. My problem is this: knowing I have a tendency get messed up in dating situations like Dude #1, should I just cancel that date and stick to Dude #2 (the nice guy)? OR can I give them both a chance provided I am keenly aware that the first dude is probably nothing more than one date? ~Two for the Price of One~

Dear TPO: The Bitter Single Guy thinks you need to consider why you keep finding yourself with these older ambition-less guys. He suspects it’s simply because you’re attracted to them! It seems likely that you’ll go out with Dude #1 and feel a spark that will make you despair and feel hopeless about your romantic future. This will be exacerbated by the fact that you’ll have a date with Dude #2, who sounds great “on paper”, but for whom you will feel no spark.

The BSG recommends figuring out what, in these older career-free  gents, is getting your attention. Perhaps you have a care-taking impulse that comes out when faced with someone with no apparent direction? Whatever the answer to the attraction question is, the BSG wants you to then find that characteristic in someone who is more likely to be a match in other ways.


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