The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Internet Dating Woes

Dear Bitter Single Guy: You know what it is like dating someone from the internet. You have no common ground to base your judgment on. All you get is the other person’s words and your observational skill and gut feel (if there is any…)

I met a guy a month ago, who on paper seems to have a great potential to be a good fit for me.  We wrote to each other a lot and well before our first in-person meeting. And I always felt comfortable with him as he always called or txted when he said he would and he made it very clear that “fidelity” was critical for him. We both have been traveling a lot and have been trying to make an effort to squeeze time in to meet in person.  Long story short, I met him for the second time at his house (it was the only time we had – between my coming back from Italy and his departure to Germany.) He kissed me as we were talking (a bit surprising to me, but I did not mind it at all) Then he was gone to DE for a week.

While I was in Italy and he was in Germany, we txted each other every day, and spoke on the phone a few times. I met him again for the third time (at his house) last night because he was leaving for Canada today.  We spent most of the two hours kissing and touching each other (something one would call heavy necking, I suppose?)  It was obvious he was very turned on. He did, for many times and in various forms, ask me to stay.  It was my determination that I was not going to get into bed with him last night no matter how appealing it was to me too.  I told him that, and I also said: “I didn’t come here to have sex with you.” He replied: “I did not invite you over to have sex with you either. And just so you know, I am not a man of one night.” I’d have no problem becoming intimate with him, but just not last night yet.

But here is what I saw as “red flag” – as I was putting on my coat last night, I asked: “Am I going to see you this weekend?” He said: “I am not sure about Sat. What about Sunday?”  I knew he had to catch up with office stuff on Sat after all this travel. But I was surprised that with all this eagerness, he didn’t seem eager to spend this first available weekend with me. Then I saw that he checked in onto the dating website during today.  He did txt me back today but it was rather brief, saying he was busy in the office before heading to the airport again. I got really annoyed (yes, I know it is not rational or fair as I checked out other dudes on the site too – that is how I saw his activity…) But I was like: “oh, really?  Obviously we’d have had sex last night if I had not insisted on no. And today he still found time to check out other women??!!!”

So my question for you, dear BSG: am I reading too much into this? Or, I should trust my gut and not take this as something worth taking seriously. How can I build trust with someone you meet like this and not get hurt or misled?  If I do decide to see him again, what kind of questions should I ask? Or better yet, what kind of observations or test should I put forth? ~Confused by men~

Dear CBM: The Bitter Single Guy does indeed think you’re reading too much into this. The BSG applauds your resolve regarding having sex when you didn’t think you were ready, and he also suspects that although you weren’t ready, your online Romeo was ready and that could be why he was a little unresponsive.

Mostly the BSG recommends that you treat this like a casual acquaintance until you’ve had some more time to spend together and are in a real relationship. As the BSG sees it now, you’re mostly txting and emailing, so Online Romeo probably doesn’t feel an obligation to you at this point.

The BSG doesn’t recommend reading too much into Online Romeo’s behavior, but he does recommend taking it slow until you’ve had a chance to set some ground rules.

~BSG~

Advice for Tiger Woods

Welcome to the BSG’s new advice category! The BSG has come to realize that although we all form opinions about how celebrities should manage their high profile relationship foibles, there isn’t always someone around to give them the advice they need. Enter the BSG’s Celebrity Advice!

Tiger Woods. Oh Tiger. You have, for so many years now, carried the hopes of people of color in your golf bag; time and time again rising to the occasion to demonstrate what a fine upstanding citizen you are.

Now the BSG should preface his advice to you by saying that he is sure that golf is a wonderful sport, what with the casual walking and the swinging of clubs…really, what’s not to like? But the BSG is not so much a golf-fan as he is a golf-avoider. As such, the BSG is only peripherally aware of the goings-on of such golf stars as yourself.

But from the barrage of media attention (don’t we have a WAR to talk about, people?) the BSG gathers that you have, over a period of years, had a series of illicit relationships with women who were not your wife. The BSG is not here to judge you, he just wants to set the stage.

Because even NPR has stooped to reporting on your love life, the BSG learned that you are taking time away from golf to try to fix your relationship with your wife and to minimize the impact to your children (honestly, the BSG continued to think of you as the youngster who upset the golf world a few short years back and now he finds that you have children? Time flies).

[clap, clap, clap] The Bitter Single Guy applauds you, Mr. Woods. His advice to you is to ignore the media frenzy and do the thing you say you’re going to do. Despite our civilization’s expectation that our sports stars will also be moral compasses, the BSG can only imagine what the temptation must have been like for you! Fix your family, Tiger. If you decide that you don’t want to be in your relationship anymore, do it because it’s not the right relationship for you, not because you can’t keep your johnson in your pants.

~BSG~

Tower of Lies

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I met my current partner about two yours ago, and we became a serious couple six months later. Our relationship isn’t without its problems, and we had a fight that almost destroyed it a month ago. But we were working through it.

Last week, I discovered that his sister who I have been speaking with through email and text messages (to try and work through the problems I’m having with him), is really him. This is horrible, because I’ve been talking to her through our entire relationship; she has basically been our buffer. I don’t know why he lied, but it feels like he’s been cheating on me the whole time, even if I know he hasn’t been sexually.

I don’t want to leave him over this, but I’m afraid if I try to confront him it will only make things worse (especially since it was my ex who found out and told me, and my partner can’t stand him). What should I do? ~Smoke and Mirrors~

Dear SAM: The Bitter Single Guy understands the logic behind your beau’s decision to deceive you in order to better understand your point of view, but this is where what’s logical and what’s right diverge. The BSG thinks this is twisted beyond recovery and he thinks that regardless of who found out, you need to confront your Deceitful Darling with this rather spectacular lie.

If this was a one-time thing, the BSG thinks it’s probably recover-able, but if this went on for any more than about a week, then the BSG says dump his sorry ass. Your partner is supposed to be the one you can trust to have your back, not play you like this.

By the way, expecting that your partner’s sibling is able to be sufficiently objective to provide support and advice in you dating her brother is a little dangerous, the BSG thinks. Find a new friend to confide in.

~BSG~

Fake It ‘Til You Make It

BSG, I’ll try my best to make a long story short.

I have been married to my husband for 10 years now. We’ve had ups and downs like any relationship. I have thought before that things wouldn’t work out, but we have stuck it out. I find myself frequently questioning my feelings for him and have been very depressed. I began seeing a therapist in January and after a few months my husband joined me because he was worried he didn’t have a marriage anymore.

We’re still going, once a week and I feel that very little has changed. I feel like I am faking it till we make it. And I have been feeling like he is just waiting for me to make up my mind about what I want. I’m the bad guy and he’s the victim. Well then I find out he has a membership to cupid.com and has IM’ed with girls on there. I asked him about it and said it was innocent talk.

Well I know the girl he’s been talking to, but he doesn’t know that part. He told her he was going through a divorce and not to run away. She said she was online last week and he IM’ed her. This latest contact was after I asked him about it. I have to wonder if he is truly happy; what is he on there for? What is missing for him? I’m his 2nd wife and wonder if he is afraid of another failed marriage.

My head says staying together is the right thing to do. We have a daughter; we have great stability, and a promising future of success. The pretty little picture.

I am tired of feeling like I am faking it. He is being deployed to Iraq for 6 months and I am so looking forward to the separation. I won’t send him off thinking things are shaky though. Once he returns we are to relocate to the North near my family. The only reason he requested this assignment is for me and I feel obligated to stay because of it. Okay, this is way too long. What are your thoughts? ~Head or Heart~

Dear HOH: The Bitter Single Guy wants you to stop treating this as a “fake it until you make it” exercise, because he wants to remind you that (as far as he knows) “making it” in marriage is dying, right? “‘Til death do we part”, HOH?

You’re in therapy which is a good first step, but the BSG wonders what’s happening in therapy to be there for nearly a year without you feeling like anything’s changing. Perhaps it’s time for a new therapist? But the BSG definitely encourages you to bring your letter to your therapist to see what s/he has to say.  Short answer: you need to decide whether you want to stay in this relationship.

The BSG is a little miffed with your hubbie for contacting other girls online. But the BSG kind of understands where he’s coming from. If you’re as emotionally uninterested as you say you are, he’s probably feeling pretty lonely too. Really HOH, why are you staying in this relationship again?

Have this conversation with your therapist and find reasons to stay in your relationship. Otherwise, you have a lifetime of, at best, emotional numbness to look forward to . Yay? ~BSG~

Can’t Stop Thinking About my BF’s Best Friend

Well BSG this is how it is: I’ve been dating this guy for a really long time, and he’s not exactly the best boyfriend in the world but other than some minor faults he’s a great guy.

HOWEVER…

as of late (since October sometime) I have found myself very attracted to his best friend. Maybe a little TOO attracted, I’ve begun to lose interest in being intimate with the boyfriend I have! I know for a fact the other guy has a thing for me, which doesn’t help my case any.

I can’t stop thinking about this person, but obviously it’s not like he would date me anyway even if I broke up with my current man (being his best friend and what-not). Am I losing it? ~Wandering Eye~

Dear WE: The Bitter Single Guy sees two things going on here. The first is that you’re lukewarm about your relationship. But because there’s nothing actually wrong, you’re settling for lukewarm. The BSG doesn’t think this is necessarily a bad thing, he himself has floated comfortably in lukewarm waters for extended periods of time. It can be very relaxing, if somewhat numbing.

BUT THEN…

From your lukewarm relationship you suddenly get a view of a tasty treat that you think would spice things up and now lukewarm seems kind of annoying and clingy. Yes, the BSG said clingy.

Again WE, two things here: decide whether or not to stay in your relationship (that’s one), and decide whether you want to entirely destroy things with your boyfriend (and possibly destroy his relationship with his best friend) by getting involved with the friend. Because of course, no amount of hoping will change the fact that your boyfriend will be crushed and (the BSG suspects) more than a little bitter.

The BSG’s advice is to forget about the best friend and focus on your relationship. Figure out what you can do to get the excitement you’re obviously craving in your current relationship or get out of it.

Oh and by the way…don’t read too much into the fact that the best friend has a thing for you. Because you’re his friend’s girlfriend, you’re pretty much a captive audience and it’s tacky and lazy of him to focus on you as a potential mate. ~BSG~