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Advice for a New Relationship

January 27th, 2010 | 3 Comments | Posted in Tips For Love

Sometimes, the BSG thinks we all need a reminder. If you’re in a new relationship (or hoping to be soon), the BSG wants you to remember the following:

Your new relationship is a tiny baby bird and sometimes even the most loved baby birds…well…don’t make it, despite the best intentions of virtuous people.

But while this baby bird figures out whether it’s going to get out of the nest, there is a balance between holding it lovingly and protectively, and picking it up and scrutinizing every little feather. Baby birds don’t survive scrutiny very well. But they ARE fluffly and cuddly and you should occasionally hold it up to your cheek just to feel it flutter.
~BSG~

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The new look

January 27th, 2010 | 3 Comments | Posted in What The Hell?

Whaddya think everyone? Eh, eh? The BSG’s new look? Very swanky, he thinks.

Avoiding A Rebound Relationship

January 26th, 2010 | 7 Comments | Posted in Random Crap

Thanks Kelly for reminding the BSG that he has become lax in answering letters! It’s been a busy 2010 so far, dear readers…but the BSG will be here more in the coming days, he swears. ~BSG~

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Six months ago, I broke up with my boyfriend of three years and it ended okay (it was mutual). I don’t feel bitter or angry. I’ve come to terms with it and have dated a bit since then. About a month ago, I met someone special from an online dating website and I like him very much. My question is: how long should one wait before getting into a new relationship, or rather, how can one avoid a rebound relationship? I should add that I do not have a history of so-called “serial monogamy” and I’m very comfortable with being single. I noticed that you don’t have too much on your column regarding rebound relationships so I thought I should ask. ~Don’t Want to Bounce~

Dear DWB: Although the Bitter Single Guy has written many times about rebounds, it’s been many mango seasons, so it’s likely not in the archives anymore. The BSG believes that rebounding is inevitable, particularly in a bad breakup or even an emotional breakup.

Since you say that your breakup was amicable and that you’ve had a few dates since then, the BSG thinks you’re probably safe from a really ugly rebound situation. For those who are unfamiliar with the dynamics of a rebound relationship, it’s not uncommon, if one believes themselves to have been treated shabbily in their previous relationship, to decide to punish the new relationship as a result. This is the annoyance of a rebound…in a new relationship, we’re all dealing with the detritus from our new date’s last relationship…at least a little.

DWB, the BSG would give you the complete green light if not for two things:

It’s only been six months, which is really not very long considering you’re purging yourself from a 3 year relationship.

You bring up the possibility of a rebound. This is both good and bad. Bad because if you’re thinking about it, you’re probably feeling it somewhat. But the BSG thinks this is good because you’re paying attention.

The BSG recommends starting something up with online guy (please tell the BSG that you’ve met him in person by now…if not, you’re not dealing with a real person yet…just your reaction to an online persona), but taking it slowly. If no dragons rear their heads in the next month or so, the BSG would say that you’re as much in the clear as you’ll ever be.

~BSG~

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Suppressing Co-Dependence

January 2nd, 2010 | 7 Comments | Posted in Random Crap

Dear Bitter Single Guy: My previous and first relationship was one of unhealthy codependence, went on much longer than we both knew it should, and became a source of regret and shame for me. I won’t pretend that both sides were at fault. I craved to be needed by this person, and was as responsible for cultivating that situation as much as he was.

I feel I took sufficient time and have done some soul-searching to make sure I was free of the baggage before allowing myself any sort of relationship.

Now, for the past few months I’ve been involved with a wonderful nurturing guy who has a social life that does not revolve around me, a clear idea of who he is, and he knows what he wants. I am not afraid that he will need me to fulfill every type of need in his life like my ex did.

In the beginning everything felt fine and natural. However, my tendency towards clinginess resurfaces sometimes despite my efforts to give him room to breathe. This includes compulsively calling to him or meeting up with him more than once a day several times a week despite our busy schedules and despite him even expressing his wish to hang out with his friends away from me. I want to stop neediness from becoming an aspect of any of my other relationships preferably before it ruins this one but certainly before it ruins the next. Have any tips for how to back up a little without becoming too distant, BSG? ~Seeking In-Dependence~

Dear SID: The Bitter Single Guy appreciates you looking to fix this problem before it rears its head again, but he’s a little concerned that your focus is on your current relationship or the next one. Gracious SID, have you already given up on this one?

The short answer is to get some therapy. Co-dependence (or over dependence or clinginess or whatever it gets called) is usually rooted in fear of abandonment. If you’ve determined (and it sounds like you have) that this is a pattern for you, then it will (as you’ve predicted) come up for you again and again in your relationships until you either dial it down or find someone who is attracted to the clingy type.

~BSG~

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