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Relationship Imperfection

February 15th, 2010 | 1 Comment | Posted in Stay Or Go?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I love my boyfriend of a couple months, but he has broken up with me once because of his issues (he struggles with perfectionism, anxiety, depression), but now says he made a mistake and is working hard on his issues (although he has been working on them for a long time).

We truly care for each other, have fun together, and are attracted to each other, and in terms of physical intimacy, we don’t have intercourse, but foreplay (I haven’t been ready for intercourse). But I’m afraid he will never be able to ease up on himself and become less anxious and raise his self-esteem. I want to see how things go and grow together (or see if this happens…I have some of my own self-esteem issues I’m working on), but I have this feeling that I should date others to see what’s out there (I’m 29 but inexperienced with dating and relationships) because I may reducing my chances of finding a right fit for me by being exclusive with my boyfriend.

But I truly care for him, just I know that he needs to make some changes to be able to be a good fit for me and possibly a good father in the future for my children. I feel since I started dating late, I don’t have a lot of time to find the right person for me to have a nice relationship with and eventually start a family. Any thoughts?! Thank you so much. ~Afraid of the Long Haul~

Dear ALH: The Bitter Single Guy thinks that you’re asking what to do about your doubts about your boyfriend. You’ve broken up due to his issues (isn’t that always the way?), but appear to be getting back together (or are already back together).

In the meantime, it appears that you fear that your relative inexperience dating means that you’re missing out on an even better boyfriend (and possible co-producer of babies). ALH, this is a common relationship problem.

Imagine with the BSG that you’re at a restaurant…maybe just for lunch; nothing fancy. At this restaurant, there are many wonderful sandwiches and salads on the menu. There is a turkey club with bacon, a chicken salad, there’s even a BBQ sandwich that appeals to your slightly naughty side. Any of these will ease your hunger, but even while you take a bite into that smoky BBQ, the BSG is pretty sure that you’ll wonder if the turkey club would have been better.

The BSG’s point here is that there are ALWAYS other choices for relationships and there is not likely to be a sign that your current relationship is dramatically better than all the other choices; especially at first.

The BSG recommends, since you’re just a couple of months in, hanging in there to see where this relationship goes. It’s totally normal to be thinking about the babies you’ll be having, but the BSG recommends curbing your baby-focused behavior slightly while you determine whether this relationship will turn out.

It’s also possible that you’ll date your current boyfriend for awhile, then  someone else for awhile, then someone else for awhile (lather, rinse, repeat) until you find someone you want to make babies with.

~BSG~

The Had Cake

February 11th, 2010 | 2 Comments | Posted in I'm A Tool

Dear Bitter Single Guy: My boyfriend and I have been together for over 3 years. We live together…we pay bills together. It…was… pretty serious.

But my boyfriend likes to take what he calls, “breaks”…which are not breaking up…but they mean that he, “needs his space” and to “find himself”. I am tired of breaks. We have been together this long, and we are now going through our…THIRD break.

These magical periods usually consist of him telling me to leave him alone… me getting upset and wanting to talk… Him telling me that it does no good to talk…and then…the arguing happens.

I’m tired of arguing. I’m tired of being told that I’m stupid and clingy. I’m tired of not having sex… ( sorry if it’s tmi) I’m tired of feeling alone.

The only conclusion that I have come to is to try to shut my mouth and walk away when we argue. I am a fixer, and it’s really hard for me to let go of something when I know it can be resolved. But I can’t help thinking that walking away while he yells at me and slams the door in my face makes me what he wants me to be…a doormat. I don’t want to be a doormat anymore. I have spent my entire life getting trampled over, and I’m sick of it.

My friends have all told me to leave. I’m still here. I have been trying to go out and be independent and trying to have fun. But when I stay out too late…or stay over at a friend’s…he gets angry and suspicious. Which…I know is stupid because he tells me not to sit at home up his ass…so I go out. I don’t necessarily like going out because I’m the type of girl that would rather sit at home with her dogs and play halo. Lol. I’m not a big socialite.

But I do know the smell of bullshit. I know he expects me to give him space, be independent, go out, shut up, and give him time. But he doesn’t do those things for me. When he goes over to hang with his friends and either shows up late or doesn’t show up at all…I can’t say anything. If I do he freaks out. When he gets mad at me he blows up in my face and doesn’t let me say a word. When I go to a place and a guy happens to be there ( of no interest to me ever) he gets jealous and possessive.

I don’t like cake eaters…especially one that I’ve been with for this long. Someone that…when we’re not on a break tells me he wants to marry me and have kids with me. Who helps me…takes up for me…makes me laugh…and loves me.

Like I said, BSG, I have gone through thus enough times to know that the break thing never goes as planned. So…what should I do? Should I leave? Stay with it? Or just wait it out? Please help!!! I love this person more than my own life. I don’t know what to do. ~I’m Not Cake~

Dear INC: The Bitter Single Guy knows you wrote once before and he’s sorry he can’t get to all the letters that come to him, but he appreciates you coming back.

INC, the BSG doesn’t understand why you’re in this relationship still. Let’s break it down:

  • You’re tired of “breaks” from the relationship when your boyfriend needs space
  • You’re tired of no sex (not too much info, INC…it’s an important part of relationship health)
  • You’re tired of arguing
  • You’re tired of being told that you’re stupid and clingy
  • You’re tired of feeling alone

Sounds exhausting frankly. The BSG thinks you should dump Willy Waffler and reclaim some self esteem. ~BSG~

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