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Friends With Benefits or Just Friends?

March 15th, 2010 | 2 Comments | Posted in I'm A Tool

Dear Bitter Single Guy: So let’s just get straight to it. I was in a show with a guy a year ago and I was definitely attracted to him (he’s 15 years older than me, hold onto that) and we saw each other every day because of being in the show together. The show ended and we started hanging out occasionally at other shows, concerts, etc.

Then New Years came around and we went to a mutual friends’ party. We ended up making out in the rain (should sound romantic but actually it was freezing) after the party and that was the first time I had gotten the impression that he might “like me”.

However, the next day he sent me a bunch of text messages saying he wasn’t ready for a relationship and that he & his GF of 3 years had just broken up 6 months earlier and he was still dealing with that. And I was like “hold up, we are not talking about this via text can I come over?” So I did. We ended up talking for a few hours; I explained that while I liked him I hardly knew him so dating him immediately was not even on my radar. We talked about his past experience, I assured him that I was not entering “Now you have to date me because we made out” ground and things were fine. We then spent a significant amount of time making out until 1 am.

Since then we spent the next six months hanging out occasionally (several times a month) and every time we’d see each other he’d kiss me goodnight. We’d have fun with his friends, or mine. Something that always bugged me is I would always make it a point to go to his shows or concerts, all of them, and he’s never made it to any of mine and I’ve been in a lot since we first met! When we weren’t hanging out he didn’t text, call, etc. But when we hung out he was so talkative, always asking about all the things he’d missed, etc. So this was going off and on up until late summer where he came to my birthday party. He hung out with all my friends, brought me a birthday gift, kissed me goodnight. Seemed like we were exactly where we were a year earlier. But oh well.

Then from that day to now we’ve seen each other just a handful of times, I’ve still gone to his shows with my friends and he’s still yet to come to any of mine promising he’d “come to the next one!”. The times I’ve seen him since he hasn’t kissed me or anything…but things are really fun with his friends whom I adore and he has a great time with mine.

I guess…what am I doing? Immediately we were in a place where I thought, we’re going to get to know each other and re-evaluate from there…but now over a year has passed and nothing’s changed. I also just learned that last February (not last month but a year ago) he asked out a girl at a concert of his that I was at (she shot him down). I just found this out last week–that concert, I WAS AT, and he kissed me goodnight AND that was only a month after our New Years make out/talk.

I really like his friends, I like his concerts, I like hanging out with him…but do I just forget all the other stuff that happened? Do I try to talk about it? What do you think? ~Shamelessly Hanging On~

Dear SHO: The Bitter Single Guy knows how mixed messages can get you to thinking things are going one way when they’re actually going another. The BSG thinks that Reluctant Randy is unwilling or unable to step up and tell you whether he wants to date you or not. And gracious SHO, why should he have to? Here he has this attractive young woman who shows up to see him, spend time with he and his friends, and with whom he gets to make out every now and then. In the meantime he’s free to pursue whatever love interest he’s ACTUALLY interested in.

SHO, the BSG hates to tell you but you’re a bit of a doormat here. Don’t let Reluctant Randy’s inability and insecurities step all over you anymore. Make other plans, ask someone else out, don’t go hang out with his friends. It won’t seem like a breakup because it probably never felt like a relationship; but the BSG is pretty sure that you thought of it that way. For that reason, you’ll find yourself missing his friends…your friends may ask about Reluctant Randy…all the things that would normally go with a breakup. Wrap it up and spend some time with someone willing to spent real time with you, not just opportunistic make-out time. ~BSG~


Dapper Daddy Puts His Kid First

March 5th, 2010 | 1 Comment | Posted in What The Hell?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I really love all the advice you give and it seems to be on point!  I was hoping you could give me some advice about a guy friend of mine who I really like (and he said he likes me too). The problem is he has a little boy and every relationship he has had has turned out to be a disaster because his little boy is his first priority. He said he can’t date me because he doesn’t want to disappoint me, and we can be friends only. I feel like we have a lot in common, have fun together and chemistry, (although nothing beyond kissing). Is there any hope for us? Should I just completely avoid seeing him to get over it, or should I pursue more and spend more time with him and his son?  Thanks in advance! ~Ready To Jump~

Dear RTJ: The Bitter Single Guy thinks you should step away from this one. While the BSG absolutely believes that the burden of single-parenthood can be overwhelming, there are tons of single parents who also manage to have romantic relationships. To be clear; this Dapper Daddy doesn’t have a string of failed relationships because his son is his first priority. He has a string of failed relationships because he doesn’t yet know how to balance a romantic relationship with his childrearing responsibilities. In his defense, perhaps he won’t be ready to date until the boy is much older, but how many years of crap are you willing to put up with while you wait?

If you walked into a hardware store to buy a hammer and the sales guy told you that this hammer broke in half for every other person who bought it, would you be willing to see if maybe YOU’RE the right hammer customer, or would you keep shopping? Nope, the BSG says step away. ~BSG~

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