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Was Husband #2 a Mistake?

May 28th, 2010 | 1 Comment | Posted in Stay Or Go?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I had a good first marriage, I thought, but he cheated and it ended. Two years later I met my second husband on a blind date. I really felt drawn to him and felt he was my second chance at love.  12 years later, the kids are older, and all we (the kids and I) feel is frustration.  I have made the statement several times that we are just not compatible. I have always been the one to compromise, and frankly I’m tired of it!

He has issues with every single relationship in his life, it just took me this long to realize that the issues were his and not theirs.  I always believed that his parents, his sister his exes and even his daughter were the problem.  Now I know different, but this is 12 years and 4 kids here.  I feel like ending it and have already moved out once before.  I decided to give him another chance, but now he has slidden right back into his old skin of complacency.  If I leave him I am afraid he will fall into a deep depression.  But I know I will be happier.  Why am I more concerned about his feelings than my own when he is obviously not concerned about mine? ~Stay or Go?~

Dear SOG: The Bitter Single Guy is going to say that deciding whether a decision was the right one after 12 years is like closing the barn door 12 years after the cows have left and wondering whether it should have been closed in the first place. This decision is done, let’s move on.

So then, the decision here is whether to stay in your relationship. As you indicate, children complicate the issue because your decisions affect them. That said, it’s the BSG’s opinion (from his own singular experience) that separate happy parents are better for children than partnered unhappy parents.

The BSG will note that you think your “time served” is a consideration in this decision and the BSG has a tough time with that. If you have 12 years invested in an unhappy relationship, how is that cause for investing more time? If this relationship isn’t good for your family, the BSG recommends wrapping it up. Now that said, the BSG also acknowledges that ending a 12 year marriage with children involved is very different than ending a relationship with someone you’ve dated for a year and with whom you share no children. Don’t doubt that this is a weighty decision SOG, but doing nothing is a decision too.

If your primary reason for not leaving is that your husband will go into a deep depression, let go of that. You’re not his therapist and it’s not your job to prevent him from going into depression at the expense of your own happiness. Given the weight of this decision, the BSG recommends talking to a counselor to help sort out all our various feelings so you can make the right decision for your family. ~BSG~

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Podcast: Long Distance Love, Jesse James, and more

May 26th, 2010 | 4 Comments | Posted in What The Hell?

The Bitter Single Guy’s Podcast #2!

Epic Failure in Dating

May 26th, 2010 | 6 Comments | Posted in Can't Get A Date

Dear Bitter Single Guy: The short of it is I am a 25 year old college graduate and have only been involved in two serious relationships. I want to date!

The long of it is that it’s not that easy for me to find someone/no one ever seems interested in me. I’ve been told I am an intimidating person. This is a mystery to me as I am a very petite 5’2″ girl.  I have asked friends and their responses vary: if you smile more you’ll be more approachable. You’re just really assertive. You act closed off.

And I have tried to fix each of these “issues” but to no avail.  The ironic thing is that I am the least stuck up person I know and my friends agree.  Some people have admitted that I intimidated them but once they got to know me, I was super chill and really laid back, which I am.  I have no idea how to change my current situation.  It’s really frustrating when ALL my friends get approached/guys want to date them all the time and I just have to pretend that I am ok with hanging out by myself on a Friday night because they’re all on dates. It probably doesn’t help that I am not a hook-up type person. Drinking and having make-out sessions aren’t my thing.  I’m in such a rut BSG. Any advice? ~Quite A Catch~

Dear QAC: The Bitter Single Guy knows the frustration of being told he’s intimidating. Whenever he has heard that his lack of dating success is due to being intimidating he gets all righteous and loud and verbally demeans his accuser. Sadly, this ruins friendships and seems to strengthen his accuser’s point. The BSG is kidding with you here, QAC (a little).

OK, here’s the scoop.

  • You’ve had two serious relationships and you’re 25? You’re not behind the curve at all; you’re doing just fine.
  • If people tell you you’re intimidating you probably are. Remember however, that this probably means that you know what you want, are intelligently outspoken, and have limited tolerance for bullshit. These are admirable qualities, but can be interpreted as intimidating.
  • If you squash your personality to be more “approachable” you’ll end  up in relationships that don’t work for you because the real you will eventually come out.

Here’s the advice for you:

  • Like any dating situation, you need to put yourself out there. Why are you staying home on Friday night? Surely there are hangouts where other confident people hang out? Museum openings, poetry readings, stuff like that.
  • Become a regular in some community (events often have communities…the BSG’s town (for example) has a strong spoken word poetry community in which the BSG sometimes hangs out). If you’re a regular you’ll get to meet people and expand your pool of available dates who also have similar interests.
  • Look for “intimidating” men – which is to say: confident men like you – and hang out with them! Heck, ask one of them out!

In short, QAC you need to approach dating just like anyone approaches dating. Find a community or social situation in which you’re comfortable and in which you have a genuine interest (if you’re there for the beefcake that will become obvious quickly). Be yourself, but if you find yourself making snappish or off-putting comments in conversation, work on being a little more open. Get out there, girl. ~BSG~

Dating Youngsters

May 24th, 2010 | No Comments | Posted in What The Hell?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have a penchant for younger men.  They seem attracted to me and are more fun than the older versions, but they are aging babies with childish temperaments.  As a member of the independent woman club, I know that I chose this for myself.  So I was dating this one guy for a few months.  Great romance – dinner, good kisser and respectful, then he just up and started a racecar hobby and stopped calling me. Most confusing thing I have ever stumbled on.  Still doesn’t call me but whenever he sees me out he gets upset if I don’t speak to him.  What now?  Traded for a Racecar

Dear TFAR: The Bitter Single Guy is pleased whenever one of his readers admits to a potentially damning predilection and just takes pride in it (like your appreciation for the younger set).  For example, the BSG himself has on occasion thrown caution to the wind and has approached the Very Hot.  Interestingly, acquiring the Very Hot wasn’t nearly as challenging as the BSG thought.  Keeping one of them turned out to be quite a different story however. (sigh)

All that TFAR, besides the BSG wanting to demonstrate his studliness to his readers, is to say ‘bravo for hanging with the youngsters!’ The good news is that Racecar Boy’s behavior is typical in relationships between any age groups.

Racecar Boy wants the elusive Friends-After-We’ve-Dated relationship and he wants to make sure it’s completely on his terms. Which is to say that he isn’t going to call you or act like an actual friend, but he’s going to expect you to fawn all over him when he sees you simply because you may have swapped a few bodily fluids (the BSG is referring mostly to spit here, but he realizes there could be others and swears he is not judging you).

Tell Racecar Boy to cram it. If he just stopped calling you with no explanation of his departure, he can stand to be a little upset when he’s snubbed by you in public. ~BSG~

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When a Breakup Isn’t

May 21st, 2010 | No Comments | Posted in Stay Or Go?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I could use some perspective on my situation. About 6 months ago my fiancé/gf of 5 years broke up with me. That in and of itself is not the end of the world. Since then, however, we continue to cohabitate. In fact, almost every aspect of our “daily routine” remains unchanged. She is my best friend, I still love her, and want to reconcile our relationship. For me, she is my first serious relationship, the first person I had sex with.

I am not at all an outgoing person, and I don’t have a lot of relationship experience to work with (I am an unashamed geek). Our situation is further complicated by the fact that we have children. We have gone to great lengths to keep our issues away from them, and we do things together with the kids and usually have fun doing them. I want to make the best choices I can for me and my kids, and doing the split parent thing is not what feels right to me. But on the other hand, I am being ground away by this situation.

I have had no opportunity to even really begin the healing process. I have come to the conclusion that I am being sorely used in this situation. I feel like I am being pulled in 18 directions at once, and am unclear in what direction to actually go. I don’t mind the thought of being alone, but am mostly scared that my children will suffer if I start moving on and their mother changes her mind. ~Lost In The Desert~

Dear LITD: The Bitter Single Guy feels for you brother, this sounds like a tough row to hoe. But of course, relationships change around us all the time…sometimes all we can do is ride the wave. The BSG is feeling very philosophical today, it appears.

First thing: If you’re splitting up with children involved, there are legal issues that likely require an attorney. Make sure your darling little cherubs (the BSG assumes) are taken care of and that you do what the law and our society require of you.

Second thing: WTF LITD? You broke up 6 months ago, but there is no discernible difference in your relationship or living arrangements? The BSG is speculating here, but he wonders what kind of relationship you had before the “breakup”.

OK LITD, here’s the scoop. You and your fiancé/gf/roommate are in a rut. Together or broken up your lives apparently keep plodding along the same as ever. The BSG is going to recommend that you be the one to take action of some sort. If in fact you’re broken up, you need to stop living together unless you’ve also both decided that you’ll simply stop looking for a romantic relationship because you’ve decided to live the rest of your lives in a love-less household (best-friend-ship not withstanding).

So it’s up to you to break the cycle. Tell your room mate that it’s time to figure out custody and financial support arrangements for the cherubs so you can determine who’s moving out. The BSG suspects this will certainly get her attention, but he doesn’t necessarily think that she’ll immediately see the error of her ways and want you “back” (the BSG uses quotes because “back” in this context is only an abstract idea).  So you may be bringing about the end of the tenuous truce that you seem to have landed on, but really LITD, do you want this to go on forever? The BSG didn’t think so. ~BSG~

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