Hello Bitter Single Guy: I am a good girl, 21, don’t do drugs, only slept with 1 one guy in a serious relationship. But I have a thing for bad boys. This one bad boy I resisted for months and months because everyone had warned me away from him saying he was bad news.
He is 30, has multiple tattoos, has probably slept with multiple women, has a Harley, used to be a drug dealer, and is a total charmer/player. I knew all this from the beginning, but couldn’t help still feeling attracted to him. We eventually hooked up at a music festival where he tells me that he’s ‘been looking for a gf for awhile and wants it to be me’. I was totally shocked because I thought that he was only after me for sex and think well maybe I will be the one to change this bad boy.
I warn him at the start saying don’t fuck me over, I’m a good girl and I know what you’re like. He assured me ‘you do right by me, I do right by you’, ‘you’re not a girl I would play’, and that he meant what he said about the girlfriend thing. So I see him for 2 months, meet his mother (who he still lives with!) and everything is going really well. I trust him because he assured me at the beginning that he would do right by me.
I hold off having sex with him, firstly because I haven’t been in an intimate relationship for 2 years. And secondly because he said he’s mainly had flings of 3 or 4 months where they haven’t done it for him in the end. He has also slept with one of my friends 3 years ago, who she said lost interest as soon as she slept with him.
Last Friday night he was meant to come see me and we would go out for dinner. But he messages me the day before saying sorry but he has to hang out with his dad this weekend and won’t be able to see me. He says that he is heaps pissed off coz he really wanted to see me. At first I think, oh no this is the start, is there another girl? But then I think no, I trust him.
I end up getting a call Friday night from my friend saying that apparently people saw him the weekend before ‘dry humping’ quite disgustingly a girl on the dance floor at a pub. I couldn’t believe it, my heart was beating so fast and I felt sick. I trusted this guy! I knew it was too good to be true!
I hang up and try calling him. No answer. I msg him saying ‘Hey can u call me back when u can please xo’ Still no answer next day (sat). I call him again, still no answer. All I want is to hear his side of the story! So I msg him saying ‘Hey, I know u hooked up with Torrie. I told you at the start that I don’t wanna be fucked over. I really liked u and thought u were a nice guy and would really like to hear your side of the story.”
(Sunday) still no answer, by this time I am so hurt and upset. All the things this guy said to me was a lie and because I didn’t give him what he wanted he went elsewhere. I couldn’t believe someone could be so heartless to not even reply to me to say it’s over. I met his mother for Christ’s sake! And he told me he wanted me to be his gf straight at the beginning coz he knew that would keep me interested!
I am so angry and hurt and betrayed, so I send him the most hurtful message I could construct. “O grow some balls and be man enough to reply to me. I can’t believe I fell for your load of crap the whole time. You know every trick in the book. You told me exactly what I wanted to hear to lure me in and get a fuck. Well I’m sorry that I’m a rare good girl and couldn’t give u what u wanted but guys like u only deserve to be with whores. Everyone was right and I knew I should have listened. Congratulations, you played me. Grow a heart.”
I felt pretty good after I sent that! This is the first time I have ever been hurt and to think all the time we spent together was all a lie was terrible.
So Monday, I finally get something out of him. “Hey. how are you?” I was like wtf?! How the fuck do u think I am!!! I was thinking is this a trick?? I was so confused!! I didn’t reply to the msg coz I was just so angry, there was no ‘I’m sorry’ in it or anything.
Then that night he finally rings me. I answer and he says that he hasn’t done anything wrong. He was just dancing with her he says. They didn’t hook up, he says. I said u were dry humping her! How can you not hook up with her?! He was like well I can’t remember if we did. I said why didn’t u return my call Friday night?? And my messages?? I said this weekend has been absolute hell for me!!
He said he was with his dad all weekend and didn’t want to get into it while he was with him. I said u still could have replied to me!! I said how can I believe anything u say? I can’t trust you! I said u told me u wanted me to be your gf just so u could string me along to get a fuck! He’s like but we didn’t even have sex! I said yeah so u went somewhere else! He’s like I didn’t have sex with her, my mate ended up going home with her, I went home to bed by myself! I kept saying I can’t believe anything u say. He’s like I do want u to be my gf! Why would I come and visit you if I didn’t? He’s like you can trust me, believe me! I didn’t do anything! I said I was stupid to think I could change you; he’s like u can change me! I wanna be with you! I said but all u want is sex, that’s what you’ve done to all the other girls you’ve been with. He said yeah maybe in the past, but not with you, I don’t care about that, I wanna be with you. Then he said he wants to talk about this in person and I finally agree for him to come see me. So now we come to present day.
So BSG, I am so confused. I really like him, but how do I know he is telling the truth? How can I ever trust him again? ~Good Girl~
Dear GG: So much going on here, the Bitter Single Guy wants to break it into sections. By the way, the BSG doesn’t usually answer letters this long (1200 words, GG. 1200.), but something about your letter caught his eye and he had a little extra time today.
- Being 30, having tattoos and riding a Harley doesn’t make anyone a bad boy (or girl). The BSG rides a Harley and is usually a pleasant person. Being a former drug dealer is better than being a current drug dealer, but the BSG still thinks this should have been a red flag.
- GG, did Bad Boy actually say that he didn’t remember if he had sex with Dry-Hump Girl? In your letter he once says he didn’t remember and once that he didn’t do it. The BSG has to say, if he actually says that he can’t remember whether or not he had sex with Dry-Hump Girl, you’re done. Done, the BSG says. You’re not negotiating, not compromising, not discussing. Done. SO many reasons for this.
- Even if he didn’t have sex with Dry-Hump Girl, you’re exactly correct for believing that it’s inappropriate for a man you’re dating to dry-hump some other girl on the dance floor, even if you and he have not had sex yet, unless you’ve negotiated some weird condition that he can get nookie elsewhere while you’re getting acquainted. Don’t laugh, the BSG has seen some wild variations on relationships but you know…whatever works, right?
- The BSG agrees with you about the communication thing. Even if he was spending time with his dad over the weekend, if he has such great regard for you and wants you to be his girlfriend so badly, then you deserve a response. This indicates a future pattern of him going dark on important conversations or (even more desirable in a mate) claiming not to remember whether or not he had sex with another girl (again, if he said he can’t remember: you’re D O N E ).
- Finally GG, the BSG has to tell you that you deserve ALL of this. Yes, the BSG said it and he stands by his statement. Early on you actually say that maybe you’re the one to change this bad boy. Really, GG? Who are you, a missionary to the bad boys of the world? You’re going to change them one by one by denying them easy sex and asking them to communicate responsibly? Hell with that. There’s a lot of reasons that bad boys are attractive, and every time you give into the attraction, you better expect a bad-boy experience…which, by the way, is exactly what you’re getting here GG.
The BSG recommends cutting Bad Boy loose if you want to maintain your Good Girl status (not necessarily a given, but that seems important to you) and mostly if you want to engage in a responsible, healthy, adult relationship instead of this high school crap. ~BSG~
Tags: Bad Boys