The Bitter Single Guy's Relationship Advice

My Boyfriend Doesn’t Love Me Anymore

Dear Bitter Single Guy: My boyfriend and I are on a break. I told him I had financial problems and although he is not helping me with those (obviously) we still managed to get into this huge fight and he’s still mad at me and won’t talk to me.

I don’t know what to do or what to say to him, I think he’s not attracted to me anymore (he doesn’t even miss me). He is probably thinking of seeing other people, I know our relationship is going down the drain. What should I do? it’s very hard for us to have quality time together and I think he might stop loving me. Any tips? ~Paddling a Sinking Boat~

Dear PSB: To the Bitter Single Guy it sounds as if you’re working really hard to keep this relationship afloat despite some evidence that your boyfriend may be done. It’s possible that he is using your financial problems to create conflict between you because it’s easier to end a relationship sometimes when there is a bunch of conflict.

PSB, the BSG thinks that sometimes relationships end even when everyone does what they’re supposed to do. If you suspect your boyfriend doesn’t love you anymore, then there’s probably a good chance that he doesn’t and that your relationship is coming to an end.

The BSG recommends getting ready for your break to be permanent. Maybe if you stop working so much to keep everything working, your boyfriend will realize that he wants to actually BE your boyfriend and will come back asking to get back together. But the BSG (and you) think that your relationship is just winding down and rather than letting it end quietly, there is some drama cropping up. Don’t buy into the drama…let it go if it’s time. ~BSG~

Dating a Bad Boy

Hello Bitter Single Guy: I am a good girl, 21, don’t do drugs, only slept with 1 one guy in a serious relationship. But I have a thing for bad boys. This one bad boy I resisted for months and months because everyone had warned me away from him saying he was bad news.

He is 30, has multiple tattoos, has probably slept with multiple women, has a Harley, used to be a drug dealer, and is a total charmer/player. I knew all this from the beginning, but couldn’t help still feeling attracted to him. We eventually hooked up at a music festival where he tells me that he’s ‘been looking for a gf for awhile and wants it to be me’. I was totally shocked because I thought that he was only after me for sex and think well maybe I will be the one to change this bad boy.

I warn him at the start saying don’t fuck me over, I’m a good girl and I know what you’re like. He assured me ‘you do right by me, I do right by you’, ‘you’re not a girl I would play’, and that he meant what he said about the girlfriend thing. So I see him for 2 months, meet his mother (who he still lives with!) and everything is going really well. I trust him because he assured me at the beginning that he would do right by me.

I hold off having sex with him, firstly because I haven’t been in an intimate relationship for 2 years. And secondly because he said he’s mainly had flings of 3 or 4 months where they haven’t done it for him in the end. He has also slept with one of my friends 3 years ago, who she said lost interest as soon as she slept with him.

Last Friday night he was meant to come see me and we would go out for dinner. But he messages me the day before saying sorry but he has to hang out with his dad this weekend and won’t be able to see me. He says that he is heaps pissed off coz he really wanted to see me. At first I think, oh no this is the start, is there another girl? But then I think no, I trust him.

I end up getting a call Friday night from my friend saying that apparently people saw him the weekend before ‘dry humping’ quite disgustingly a girl on the dance floor at a pub. I couldn’t believe it, my heart was beating so fast and I felt sick. I trusted this guy! I knew it was too good to be true!

I hang up and try calling him. No answer. I msg him saying ‘Hey can u call me back when u can please xo’ Still no answer next day (sat). I call him again, still no answer. All I want is to hear his side of the story! So I msg him saying ‘Hey, I know u hooked up with Torrie. I told you at the start that I don’t wanna be fucked over. I really liked u and thought u were a nice guy and would really like to hear your side of the story.”

(Sunday) still no answer, by this time I am so hurt and upset. All the things this guy said to me was a lie and because I didn’t give him what he wanted he went elsewhere. I couldn’t believe someone could be so heartless to not even reply to me to say it’s over. I met his mother for Christ’s sake! And he told me he wanted me to be his gf straight at the beginning coz he knew that would keep me interested!

I am so angry and hurt and betrayed, so I send him the most hurtful message I could construct. “O grow some balls and be man enough to reply to me. I can’t believe I fell for your load of crap the whole time. You know every trick in the book. You told me exactly what I wanted to hear to lure me in and get a fuck. Well I’m sorry that I’m a rare good girl and couldn’t give u what u wanted but guys like u only deserve to be with whores. Everyone was right and I knew I should have listened. Congratulations, you played me. Grow a heart.”

I felt pretty good after I sent that! This is the first time I have ever been hurt and to think all the time we spent together was all a lie was terrible.

So Monday, I finally get something out of him. “Hey. how are you?” I was like wtf?! How the fuck do u think I am!!! I was thinking is this a trick?? I was so confused!! I didn’t reply to the msg coz I was just so angry, there was no ‘I’m sorry’ in it or anything.

Then that night he finally rings me. I answer and he says that he hasn’t done anything wrong. He was just dancing with her he says. They didn’t hook up, he says. I said u were dry humping her! How can you not hook up with her?! He was like well I can’t remember if we did. I said why didn’t u return my call Friday night?? And my messages?? I said this weekend has been absolute hell for me!!

He said he was with his dad all weekend and didn’t want to get into it while he was with him. I said u still could have replied to me!! I said how can I believe anything u say? I can’t trust you! I said u told me u wanted me to be your gf just so u could string me along to get a fuck! He’s like but we didn’t even have sex! I said yeah so u went somewhere else! He’s like I didn’t have sex with her, my mate ended up going home with her, I went home to bed by myself! I kept saying I can’t believe anything u say. He’s like I do want u to be my gf! Why would I come and visit you if I didn’t? He’s like you can trust me, believe me! I didn’t do anything! I said I was stupid to think I could change you; he’s like u can change me! I wanna be with you! I said but all u want is sex, that’s what you’ve done to all the other girls you’ve been with. He said yeah maybe in the past, but not with you, I don’t care about that, I wanna be with you. Then he said he wants to talk about this in person and I finally agree for him to come see me. So now we come to present day.

So BSG, I am so confused. I really like him, but how do I know he is telling the truth? How can I ever trust him again? ~Good Girl~

Dear GG: So much going on here, the Bitter Single Guy wants to break it into sections. By the way, the BSG doesn’t usually answer letters this long (1200 words, GG. 1200.), but something about your letter caught his eye and he had a little extra time today.

1. Being 30, having tattoos and riding a Harley doesn’t make anyone a bad boy (or girl). The BSG rides a Harley and is usually a pleasant person. Being a former drug dealer is better than being a current drug dealer, but the BSG still thinks this should have been a red flag.
2. GG, did Bad Boy actually say that he didn’t remember if he had sex with Dry-Hump Girl? In your letter he once says he didn’t remember and once that he didn’t do it. The BSG has to say, if he actually says that he can’t remember whether or not he had sex with Dry-Hump Girl, you’re done. Done, the BSG says. You’re not negotiating, not compromising, not discussing. Done. SO many reasons for this.
3. Even if he didn’t have sex with Dry-Hump Girl, you’re exactly correct for believing that it’s inappropriate for a man you’re dating to dry-hump some other girl on the dance floor, even if you and he have not had sex yet, unless you’ve negotiated some weird condition that he can get nookie elsewhere while you’re getting acquainted. Don’t laugh, the BSG has seen some wild variations on relationships but you know…whatever works, right?
4. The BSG agrees with you about the communication thing. Even if he was spending time with his dad over the weekend, if he has such great regard for you and wants you to be his girlfriend so badly, then you deserve a response. This indicates a future pattern of him going dark on important conversations or (even more desirable in a mate) claiming not to remember whether or not he had sex with another girl (again, if he said he can’t remember: you’re D O N E ).
5. Finally GG, the BSG has to tell you that you deserve ALL of this. Yes, the BSG said it and he stands by his statement. Early on you actually say that maybe you’re the one to change this bad boy. Really, GG? Who are you, a missionary to the bad boys of the world? You’re going to change them one by one by denying them easy sex and asking them to communicate responsibly? Hell with that. There’s a lot of reasons that bad boys are attractive, and every time you give into the attraction, you better expect a bad-boy experience…which, by the way, is exactly what you’re getting here GG.

The BSG recommends cutting Bad Boy loose if you want to maintain your Good Girl status (not necessarily a given, but that seems important to you) and mostly if you want to engage in a responsible, healthy, adult relationship instead of this high school crap. ~BSG~

Torn Between School and Relationship

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have a dilemma on my hands. I got out of a bad marriage in 2009. The divorce won’t be final until late 2010. Ex and I have a three year old son together. Needless to say, it has been a rough year, as ex is quite nasty towards me, and I lost my job. There has been a bright spot, however. I began seeing a very nice man last August, and things have been going well. He is a trucker, and to be perfectly honest, when he was out on the road, I had the time to work on finding my subverted self again. It is almost a year later, and he has taken a job so he can be home more often. He gets along with my son great for the most part, although he has shown a little lack of patience with him.

Here is my dilemma: I recently went back to school, and am extremely preoccupied with my studies and being a mom. I have very little time to myself now. I am feeling pulled apart, and worry that with his being around more, I will have even less time. I really care about this man, but I need to make sure I’m making a better life for my son and me. I want to be able to make my own substantial income. After seeing each other for so long, how can I take a step back from this relationship without hurting him? When I broached the subject of not having much time to see him, he immediately brought up his old scars. He says he wants to be a priority, but I know I need to take care of my family first. This man could be the one, but I don’t want to lose myself again, and subject my son to another bad relationship. What do I do? ~Pulled in Too Many Directions~

Dear PTMD: You’ve hit the gist of the problem already and just need to decide what’s more important. The Bitter Single Guy hears you saying that this relationship is important and that this is a Nice Man, you’ve also indicated that you want to feel more secure professionally by advancing your education. PTMD, this is exactly what you think it is…there isn’t any way your Nice Man is going to get as much time as he’s probably used to from you while you’re also studying and raising a 3 year old. This could result in you losing him, you’re correct. Similarly, if you give your time to this man and neglect your studies, any time spent in school won’t amount to a hill of beans because you won’t be able to finish a degree or certification (whatever you’re pursuing).

OK, this is why you come to the BSG, he knows. Other advice columnists will give you wishy-washy answers that leave you with nothing to work with. The BSG is here to stand by you while you make tough decisions. Tell Nice Man that you’re going to do your best, and that he’s important to you, but that you have to stay in school so you can be sure to provide the best future for your son. If Nice Man isn’t prepared for you to put your son before him, then your relationship won’t work anyway, because you’re ALWAYS going to put your son before him (whether he likes it or not…heck, whether YOU like it or not).

Concentrate on your studies, professors won’t allow themselves to be strung along like Nice Man likely will. And comfort yourself after long days with this tidbit: Although Nice Man seems like The One, the BSG believes that most of The Ones are actually The One of Manys (if that makes sense). Short version, if Nice Man bails on your education and child-rearing commitment, there will be another Nice Man. ~BSG~

How Do I Stop Being a Nag?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Hello! Where to start? I am 28 – my bf is 31. Been dating him for about 1.5 years on and off and in the early stages we were really just “Dating” and not really “committed” the title didn’t come till Nov of 09 and then the seriousness of the relationship did not really come into play until recently (around May). For starters, he was a commitment-phobe and an alcoholic. The relationship was basically one sided the majority of the time – I gave, he took. Very selfish, would never want to discuss issues or make time for them. It wasn’t until we finally broke it off (he was drunk one night and did not remember that he did) and I did not contact him for about 3 weeks and was doing fairly well actually.

After some time had passed he came to his senses I guess and we decided to discuss issues. He made promises about changing (I didn’t want him to change, just flat out told him he just wasn’t what I wanted to date, still loved him though).

During this process of the “new and improved” dude – he surprisingly has fixed a lot of the big issues we were dealing with. Communication was nonexistent – now we talk as frequently as I like which I know he hates but does it for me. Sex/Intimacy was void and that has been taken care of.  It almost seems like he is in it for the long haul, and mentions the future but not in specifics and not for too long. He also makes comments like – breaking up isn’t an option; that he will work through our problems.

I am bipolar too. Terrible. I tell him all the time I am too much for him and most likely anyone else. That he just isn’t capable of providing me what I need because I am just too needy I feel like. But he wants to stay.

There are other things that I almost feel like I am just being too picky about. I just wish he’d share more in my interests and make time for me. He is still selfish in that he plans every event around sports. He also really isn’t that type of boyfriend to ever take me to a movie or dinner, he doesn’t like to be intimate/affectionate unless I ask or unless he is drunk. He doesn’t tend to communicate with me throughout the day unless I initiate. It is very important for me to feel important or loved and he knows this and says he is willing to do anything but tends to only improve if I have a meltdown or discussion but will not occur naturally on his own.

Do I need to just stfu and relax? ~Nagging Nellie~

Dear NN: The Bitter Single Guy has to ask: huh? Girlfriend, you are ALL over the place and the BSG isn’t really sure what your question is. You were dating an inconsiderate alcoholic but since you’ve gotten back together, he’s become more considerate. Still an alcoholic though? Since you doesn’t want to be intimate or affectionate unless he’s drunk the BSG assumes he’s still an alcoholic (otherwise that’s a whole different problem).

So you’re communicating as much as you need now, but he’s not happy with the communication? Doesn’t seem like that’s sustainable, does it?

Wait, did you also throw side note in there that you suffer from Bipolar Disorder? Really NN? Are you under treatment or is your disorder also playing havoc with your relationship?

NN, the BSG loves that you and your boyfriend have worked through your recent upset and is impressed as hell that your boyfriend seems to have turned around all the things you wanted turned around. However, it seems that you’re still not happy. The BSG wonders if it’s not the nit-picky things you mentioned (communication, intimacy, etc.) but if it’s just this guy?

Sounds like you were doing fine on your own during the time that you broke up (he really didn’t remember breaking up with you? Seems like that would penetrate even the thickest alcoholic fog.) and the BSG recommends backing off of this relationship a little. Maybe just some casual dating until you see what’s what after all this dust settles. ~BSG~

A Word About Advertising

Some of you faithful BSG readers will notice that there is banner advertising showing up on the BSG’s site for the first time in, like, 10 years. As you know, the BSG has a day job that prevents him from spending as much time responding to his readers’ letters as he would like. Thus: advertising.

The BSG is VERY particular about what advertising he’ll be bringing to the site, promises not to include tacky flashing ads, and promises only to invite advertisers who he thinks you actually want to see.

~BSG~