Dear Bitter Single Guy: I feel awful as I just broke up with my boyfriend of 3 months because he could only see me rarely and didn’t stay in touch in the in-between times. We are both going our separate ways overseas next year, but for now, I think if you don’t let someone know you’re thinking of them a few times a week, you don’t have a relationship, right?
We have great conversations, shared hobbies and creative ideas, and great sex. He is a spunky guy, but also gets very sad (depressed). I was going with the flow and so happy – one time he got really low and asked me to ignore him for a while, but I hugged him instead, then gave him an ultimatum and he said he wanted to be with me so he would get help and let himself be vulnerable with me, that was a big thing for him. He told me 2 weeks ago: “I don’t want to scare you, but it would be nice to do more relationship stuff, eat together more”. I told him “are you kidding?” and was even happier. He told me that he told his mom (overseas) about me, that we were finally together as we’ve been friends for 2 years but always with other people. I am a fairly independent girl but I was getting very comfortable in the relationship, and recently he also started introducing me as his partner to his friends. The problems…he is sometimes emotionally cold (related to depression) and recently can’t find time to spend with me because of work. I am an affectionate girl, and believe the person you’re with should make you feel even better about yourself by expressing how much they like you. I do. He doesn’t very much.
After he flaked out on a date but still wanted me to drive up to his house to hang out in the evening, I told him it might be better just being friends. He got angry, said he was trying, then dropped the rather thoughtless quote “well I think we both know we’re not the love of each others’ lives” which cut me deep. But he said he was happy being with me, and I was too…now I have ruined it.
I asked him if that meant he just saw me mainly as a sex buddy, and he said he thought we were getting closer and he wanted to bond more on an emotional level, but he guessed we wouldn’t now. But how does that fit with not making time to see someone, as he didn’t? Or saying anything sweet?
Am I demanding? He asked me if we could talk as he’d said stupid stuff the day after our break-up, but when I went to his house as he was feeling sick, no talk, and he seemed very quiet, he said he wasn’t happy about not being with me. I should just leave it be and find someone more attentive, or what?
I don’t just want to be strung along for sex by someone, if that’s all he wants.
Since we are both leaving next year should I just give it a second shot or move on? ~ Worried I was too brutal ~
Dear WTB: The Bitter Single Guy got hooked on one detail of your story: This has been going on for three months. WTB, it’s appropriate and important to pay attention to all these details:
Yes, it’s appropriate to feel emotionally supported by the person you’re romantically involved with. Be careful about deciding that the right number is several times a week because while that may be true for you, it may be too frequent for him. The BSG says that because you may some day find yourself with someone who thinks that several times a day is the right number and you’ll feel smothered.
The BSG wants to sternly shake his finger at your Doubtful Dandy for the “love of each others’ lives” comment. In the BSG’s opinion, this is the one that could kill an otherwise delightful relationship. But with his history and his effort to (apparently) swim upstream against depression to be with you, the BSG recommends letting that one go for now.
WTB, the BSG could go on, but mostly he comes back to the “three months” point. The BSG doesn’t think that’s enough time to decide that this is the wrong relationship. And here’s the big one: you’re going to be separated by oceans someday soon and maybe you’re not the loves of each others’ lives, but unless you’ve got a whole ticking-biological-clock thing going on, the BSG wonders why you wouldn’t want to spent some time in a relationship that makes you happy even if it’s not a forever-after kind of thing? The BSG says give him another chance. ~BSG~