Dear Bitter Single Guy: Okay, so I’ve been involved with this guy for nearly three years now, and it’s been eventful to say the least. I met him through school, and we were two years apart, which back then put a hamper on the relationship as something more than just friendship. He joined the military, and at first we were still “just friends”, but then he suddenly started talking serious relationship stuff. At first I didn’t buy as much into it, as much as I’d wanted to. Long story short, I bought it, though, and right when I thought it was going to happen, he told me about his deployment, and I didn’t hear from him for awhile.
A few months after that, and no contact, a mutual friend of ours told me about his new girlfriend, and how happy he was, which blindsided me, and I completely removed him from my life. I never did quite get over him, so when about two months ago he started talking to me again, it was the same story: as much as I wanted to, I wouldn’t let myself get into him, which, once again, proved to be an epic fail.
Again, he started with the heavy relationship subject, and then told me he wanted to come and see me. This time around, I asked him about the past girlfriend, which turned into a gf and then a fiancée, but the relationship had ended, and recently at that. He gave me a whole schtick about wanting to take things slowly, but on our first evening out, sexual tension got the best of us, and we were at it. And then it got weird. Where he’d try to talk to me on skype, over the phone or through text, I got nil. His phone was shut off for some complicated reason, which turned out to be true. Well, we went out again, went at it, again, and what should happen but very little contact. We had talked some, but it was a little awkward, to say the least. Furthermore, the serious relationship talk has come to nearly a complete halt. He’s still in town, but has made no moves to come see me. I’ve gotten to where I think I’m just a HPOA, but I’d like a second opinion before I decide to just end this before it gets to be way too much
for me. I already feel like I’ve been dragged through the mud once, I just don’t want my feelings for him to allow it to happen again. ~Tired of being Ophelia to his Hamlet~
Dear Ophelia: The Bitter Single Guy thinks what you think. Step away from this trap before you’re too wrapped up in it to see what’s happening. In case you missed it, the BSG will tell you what’s going on.
You and Military Man have that scary combination of friendly history and mutual attraction. This is a scary combination because it’s all the fun of being taken for granted while still being someone who gets his hackles up (in that good way).
The BSG knows how this evolved: Military Man was going off to Scary War and wanted to set an anchor to which he could return. That was you. It’s not so much that he didn’t intend to return to you, but you were the anchor, not the ship he meant to sail into the future (pretty awesomely visual of the BSG, yes?).
But then Military Man met the gf and was planning to pick up the anchor since he didn’t need it. His gf then fiancée didn’t work out, but hey look! Here’s this handy anchor I set all that time ago. Now cut to your re-introduction and the rekindling of your attraction and you have your current situation. The BSG will admit that he had to look up HPOA because sometimes he’s dense that way, but after looking it up, the BSG thinks that you’re much more a FWB than a HPOA…that’s the comfy familiarity that the BSG mentioned.
Short answer Ophelia, is that this isn’t going to work out and Military Man is going to treat you like a great friend with whom he sometimes hooks up. The BSG recommends not taking on that role he’s cast you in unless you really want the part. ~BSG~