The Bitter Single Guy's Relationship Advice

Asynchronous Dinner Dating (ADD)

So, the BSG had to share with you, his faithful readers.

The BSG’s and his pal Rick have stumbled on The Next Big Thing in dating! ADD or Asynchronous Dinner Dating will be sweeping the nation…nay, the WORLD…and you’ll say that you heard about it first here.

OK, stay with the BSG while he explains this:

Back in olden days, if you were a dude and wanted a date you hoofed it down to the next farm down the road to court the farmer’s daughter. The BSG has no idea what one did in olden days if one was gay or lesbian or transgender or any of the other variations we know about these days, but he suspected those folks worked it out somehow. If one were the aforementioned farmer’s daughter, one likely waited around on the porch with a glass of iced tea (can the BSG point out here that it is NOT “ice tea”. Accuracy counts, y’all.) in hopes that the neighboring farmer’s son would be hoofing your way sometime soon.

Today however, there is everything from online personal ads, to smart phone apps that allow us to identify potential mates (or whatever) by their proximity! In fact, many of the BSG’s readers report carrying on entire relationships without ever meeting in person!

So for those of you in the dating world who are ready to move past emails, texting and photo sharing, but aren’t quite ready for a live face-to-face meeting, the BSG introduces ADD! For those of you caught up on the word “asynchronous”, let the BSG break it down for you:

1. Synchronize – As in “let’s synchronize our watches” from various spy movies where seconds count…this is the process of aligning watch times until they perfectly matched.
2. Let’s get in ‘synch’ – Same root…this is about getting aligned with expectations or thinking or whatever.
3. So then, synchronous indicates two (or more) things that occur at the same time!
4. OK, got that? So now add the “a” at the beginning, which indicates the negative of something: amoral = not moral; asexual = not sexual.

Everyone still tracking with the BSG? So then, asynchronous is something that happens NOT at the same time! Yay!

That brings us to ADD: Asynchronous Dinner Dating!

It would go like this: You and the BSG have been flirting and giggling online for a week or so and are ready for the next step, but not quite for face-to-face or phone-to-phone, so we schedule an Asynchronous Dinner Date! The BSG would hoof it down to a local eatery and would request a table for two. He would sit – alone – order a tasty meal…maybe even an appetizer if it wouldn’t make him feel all bloated and stuff… and because it was a festive occasion, the BSG would likely order a glass of wine or a beer! It’s a date after all!

Once he finished his meal, the BSG would leave the eatery and hoof it back home to his computer. Shortly after the BSG left, YOU would show up! You would sit – alone – at the seat opposite where the BSG was JUST SITTING! The chair would probably still be warm! How titillating is THAT?!

You would also have a tasty meal, would dab the corner of your mouth with the white linen napkin and would hustle home to you own computer (or phone, or whatever). There, you and the BSG would share details of your delightful asynchronous date!

As he thinks this through, the BSG actually thinks there is possibility for ASD (Asynchronous Sex Dating), but thinking about it is creeping the BSG out a little.

Some of you chuckled at how ridiculous this is, but the BSG warns you…this is a logical progression and you’ll say you heard it first HERE!

~BSG~

When To Make it Exclusive

Dear Bitter Single Guy:  I’ve been dabbling in the world of online dating, and recently met a guy whom I developed a crush on pretty quickly. Our mental and physical chemistry is great, and we ended up sleeping together on the second date. (Whether or not that was a good idea, what’s done is done and we had a great time.)

On our next date, I asked him whether he was seeing other people. He told me he’s not sleeping with anyone else, but he is still meeting people off the dating site. Which is fair, I guess — I’ve gone on other dates too. But the difference is that I would be happier just dating him exclusively, and that’s not something he wants. He’s very affectionate and attentive when we’re together, and he’s decent about keeping in touch the rest of the time, so I don’t think he’s just seeing me for the physical stuff. But I guess I have no way of knowing for sure.

So my question is, should I continue dating and sleeping with him until one of us finds someone else we want to see exclusively? Is there a chance he’d come around and want to be with me? I enjoy his company a lot, and I’d be very sad to lose it, but is a little pain now better than potentially a lot of pain later on? ~Headed for a Heartbreak~

Dear HFH: The Bitter Single Guy thinks you’ve hit on a pretty massive social issue facing both The Single and The Coupled here. In earlier times, (the BSG is speculating a little here) choices for romance were usually at the neighboring farm which was likely a long barefoot walk down a country road (the BSG is channeling Little House on the Prairie, he thinks). So once two youngsters (or oldsters, that happened too) ascertained that no one was a practicing axe murderer, marriage plans were made.

Today however, there are precious few dirt roads and bare feet are saved for inside activities. Instead, there is The Internet…which is to say…The Seething Vat of Dating, Sex and Porn. The BSG thinks that the problem you’re facing is not that Wally Window Shopper isn’t sufficiently enamored with you, but that he might miss something better. Heck…here’s he’s gone and placed and ad and met YOU! The chemistry is great and whew! The sex is awesome! So if it’s that great with you, then just imagine what ELSE he’ll find if he keeps dating more!

The BSG wants you to remember the different rules that apply to internet dating. You entered that den of iniquity with the goal of an exclusive relationship (the BSG assumes) not a friend with benefits. Given that, the BSG wants you to keep your eyes on that prize so he recommends you talk with Wally Window Shopper and let him know that you’re enjoying your time together and that your goal is an exclusive relationship. Let him know that after a few dates, if everything is going well, you’re going to want to talk about the exclusivity thang. If Wally Window Shopper says he actually IS looking a stable of friends with benefits, then you can delicately exit the scene now.  If he’s not, then the BSG recommends you withdrawing the slap-and-tickle a little so that you have some bargaining room. If Wally gets to have sex with you and still date other women, he’s not likely to want that to change anytime soon.

If you want to test his focus, the BSG recommends letting slip that you also have been seeing other guys from other sites. If he’s totally down with that, then it’s likely he’s thinking FWB is perfect. If he’s uncomfortable, the BSG suspects he may head toward wanting something more permanent with you.

And HFH, this is important: Be ready to walk away. Like buying a car, if the deal isn’t the one you want you don’t want to get stuck in a situation that’s soul-destroying (or at least non-fun) because you weren’t willing to bail. If you want exclusivity and Wally wants to continue Window Shopping, kiss him on the cheek, thank him for the great time, and walk away. ~BSG~

Looking at porn is normal

Hey, BSG: To put it simply the girl I’ve been seeing for the past year is an angel. She’s so nice, friendly, beautiful and sweet… I can easily see myself spending the rest of my life with her. My problem is that I have a tendency to mess it all up… a few months ago she caught me looking at porn.

She sees it as cheating (I don’t blame her to be honest. If roles were reversed I’d have a hard time letting it slide too). Needless to say trust was broken and now we have fights that get really heated to the point of yelling, cursing and wishing horrible things upon the other person. Anyway I did it again recently and it almost obliterated the relationship… I don’t know why I do this. I really want to be the man she deserves. I know I don’t do it because of her looks because she is flawless in my eyes.

I guess I just need a bit of guidance… or a smack around the head… or both. thanks. ~Wants to Make It Right~

Dear WMIR: The Bitter Single Guy has both some guidance and a smack in the head and because it’s just more fun, let’s start with the smack shall we?

Dude, the BSG is like, what?! PORN counts as cheating in your relationship? Really? Short version: you’re doomed.

The BSG gets annoyed by our prudish society sometimes and this is one of those times. Here’s the news, WMIR: everyone looks at porn, even those who say they don’t. Do you think people want faster and faster internet connections to be able to read their church bulletin faster? Nope. Porn.

Now, the BSG needs to put a proviso here that he is adamantly freakishly angrily opposed to porn that victimizes anyone who is not a consenting adult. The exact age this is OK varies by state and it’s a slippery slope down which the BSG won’t travel.

But that aside, it’s normal and has been normal for a very long time. Do you think there weren’t plenty of folks in the Renaissance who were turned on by all those paintings of curvy women lying on couches? Porn. What happens when it’s thought of as cheating and abnormal? People do it in dark scary places and religious leaders end up being hidden perverts.

Ok that’s the smack around the head, WMIR. Porn is normal and both you and your girlfriend are overreacting to it. Add that to the fact that you apparently can’t keep yourself from looking at it (caught twice? The BSG wants you to look at porn during more private times unless getting caught is exciting to you).

So here’s the guidance. The BSG wants you to go to your favorite search engine and type in “Is looking at porn normal?” When you get to an article by a doctor or therapist, print it and talk with your girlfriend about it. And by the way WMIR, porn is normal for BOTH of you. If you’re going to be freaked out by your Angelic Girlfriend having a healthy sex drive, then you’re in for a long list of failed relationships…particularly as you get older (the BSG is going to guess you’re under 25). Have a conversation about the fact that your choice of looking at porn when she’s around was a poor one, but that it’s NOT cheating.

The BSG hopes that the two of you can lighten the hell up and get used to the fact that porn is normal and sometimes it’s gosh-darned fun. ~BSG~

Hold On or Let Go?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: About a month ago I met a guy. I got to know him before I found about his pregnant girlfriend. He admits the girlfriend to me and we stay friends. We later meet and immediately hit it off. The amazing connection between us was beyond obvious. We later started talking everyday for weeks. We hung out as much as we could and I visited him at his work as often as possible.

We grew feelings for each other and after becoming extremely close I come to realize him and his girlfriend are only together because she’s pregnant and if she wasn’t he’d be with me. It’s obvious he cares about me a lot. But I feel like hints have changed. But I feel like it’s my fault which people are saying it is. Now things are sorts back to normal but not completely.

I guess I’m just asking, should I hold on and just go with the flow and see where we go or should I end it completely and let him go? I really need advice on what to do. He makes me so happy but at the same time the littlest things that he does puts me in a depressed mood. I don’t want to let him go. So if there’s a way I could end the feelings but keep the friendship it would be amazing. I know him and me won’t be together anytime soon since he has a baby on the way but the connection between us feels so right I feel we might just be meant for each other. ~Hold On or Let Go~

Dear HOLG: This is easy for the Bitter Single Guy: let go and step away.

This guy has a girlfriend he’s still with, is having a baby with her, he’s cheating on his girlfriend (if only emotionally so far) with you and…and this is what sold the BSG on this solution…often he says tiny things that make you depressed. Really, HOLG?

Here’s what would happen if Randy Romeo left his pregnant girlfriend to be with you:

1. She would still have the baby (that’s a done deal, pretty much) and he would be figuring out what it means to be a part-time dad with a woman who is likely a little bitter because she got knocked up then dumped.
2. He would feel like a heel (justifiably) for leaving his girlfriend and new baby. He would eventually resent you for this.
3. His relationship with you, even if it lasted, would get difficult with all this issued and with your occasional depression when he says things that get to you.
4. He will (or you will) find someone who “does it for you” in a bigger way and you’ll end badly.

Nope, don’t do it. Too much drama. Walk.

~BSG~

When Your Soldier Won’t Stand at Attention

Dear Bitter Single Guy: About 5 years ago now I had some surgery to correct a digestive tract issue I had.  Anyway, during the surgery some nerves were damaged and now I have to take medication to achieve an erection.  Even with the pills, it’s not nearly 100%. Probably closer to 40 or 50.

Anyway, my issue and the way I handled it led to my ex wife leaving me.  I have dated since and fallen for two women.  I am currently averaging one a year that I can actually care about.  I date and everything but I don’t let myself get too close, because in the back of my mind I know that they will probably leave me once they get sick of dealing with my health issue.  I’d appreciate any advice you can offer. ~Afraid to Get Close~

Dear AGC: The Bitter Single Guy doesn’t like to pawn off advice to other people, but most of his advice for you is to engage your doctor in solution-finding here. There are lots of folks with physical limitations (and sexual limitations) who manage to cobble together a delightfully happy life and the BSG doesn’t think there is any reason you shouldn’t be one of those people.

So first, talk to your doctor to see what ideas he has.

Second, see if there is a support group for erectile dysfunction in your area.  There are likely to be folks with similar situations who have ideas about how to move past it.

Finally, and because this is more in his realm, the BSG is going to recommend that you claim this truth about yourself in a way that lets you manage it rather than it managing you. What the hell does the BSG mean by that? Well AGC, the BSG is glad you asked. Mostly he means that by date #2, (if we go with the cultural expectation that sometime around date #3 some bedroom shenanigans are possible if not likely) you should have a conversation with your date if you think there’s going to be a third date. Give your date the chance to decide what her response is going to be before the moment of truth rather than just hoping everything works out in that intimate moment that is likely filled with tons of expectations and nervousness anyway.

You’re still in charge AGC, don’t forget that.

~BSG~