The Bitter Single Guy's Relationship Advice

Should She Boot Him?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have been in a relationship with the same guy for a decade and a half.

I have been engaged to this same guy for about six years, right after I graduated college. We had a rough patch while I was in college due to mistrust of my friends on his part, and my perspective that he wasn’t  trusting me. We have slowly been trying to repair the damage that experience caused both of us,  and frankly at this point I have no idea how well we have done with that any more. Some days seem better than others. It may be important to say that while we went to college at the same time, he dropped out about a year into the whole experience and I graduated. At the time we got engaged, we were both unemployed and agreed to not get married until we could afford to live together and not to live together until we were both legally employed full time.

He hasn’t had any sort of over the table job since he quit his last one in October ’07. I have been
helping him out with his finances since then to the tune of about 500 a month.  Two months ago I got my first place and was shocked when he moved in; since we had agreed that he wouldn’t move in until he had a job.  I had asked him repeatedly throughout the process if he intended to stick to his end of our agreement, and each time he said yes, and kept on telling me that right up until he helped me move and then started moving his stuff in. When I called him on this he said he was going to be better able to find a job at my place rather than his mother’s house where he and his brother have been living.

At this point I am willing to bet my car that he hasn’t looked anywhere for a job, and while he donates SOME money (his food stamps) for groceries, I pay for EVERYTHING else.  Moreover he keeps on ignoring all requests I make that might lessen the costs of the utilities (turn off lights, tvs, fans, space heaters etc.) This all is on top of the 500 a month I am still covering of his stuff, and EVERY time I try to talk about trimming our expenses and usage he blows me off and makes me feel guilty for even bringing it up.

I can’t help but resent all this. Especially since he seems to need a great deal of time alone, which means that I spend a great deal of time alone in my bedroom so he can spend his time playing with my cat, and messing around online? He doesn’t treat me with respect, and seems to expect me to do the cooking and the dishes, and any cleaning doesn’t involve creatively rearranging his stuff. He doesn’t listen to me, and has a hissy fit every time I can’t hear what he mutters over the constant hum of the TVs/computer/fans/space heaters.  I KNOW that if our positions were reversed, If I were living off his income for a number of years,  constantly asking for more money, and did NOTHING to make up for the expenses I was using, I would be called a gold-digging bitch. Hell, I’ve heard him say the same of women his brother/cousins/friends that were doing the same.  I warned him that I would end up resenting him and the relationship if I were the sole support for both of us. He constantly lies to his family about when the wedding date is and expects me to back him up rather than tell the truth about why there is no wedding date, and after all this time I really don’t know if I want to get married to him if this is how it’s going to be. Every time I ask him about the job hunting, or give him possible leads to jobs he gets angry. I feel used, unwanted, unwelcome in my own home and in general unloved. As a guy, what would you recommend as a course of action? Have I somehow emasculated him? Am I just being a doormat? Am I being unreasonable? ~A Very Depressed Girlfriend~

Dear AVDP: You’re being a doormat. Dump him.

The BSG knows that the voice in your head (that seems to be in all of our heads at varying volumes) will tell you that you’ve got 15 years invested with this loser so you can’t give up now. The BSG recommends asking that voice whether, after two weeks with the flu, it thinks you should keep the flu because you’ve already got two weeks invested. Similarly, if you bought a beautiful new car off the showroom floor and drove it for 15 years, shit would start to fall off of it. At what point of leaving you stranded, broken air conditioning, torn seats and rattly wheels would you sell the damned thing to some sucker more desperate than you are?

That’s it AVDP; dump him. ~BSG~

Grammar Police (2)

DEAR BITTER SINGLE GUY: WHAT IS A GREAT FUNNY & INDIRECT WAY TO ASK A FEMALE FRIEND IF THEY ARE SINGLE ?? ~WHY AM I YELLING?~

Dear WAIY: It’s not that the Bitter Single Guy went looking for weirdly constructed letters again, but this one (for obvious reasons) jumped out at him. All caps, WAIY? Why are you yelling, indeed? OK, the truth is this isn’t a horrible letter. You’re lacking a comma, but the BSG isn’t that nit-picky (despite obvious evidence to the contrary).

Some ideas for asking a friend (of any gender) whether or not they’re single:

• Do you most often dance alone or with someone else?
• Who holds your popcorn at the movies when you have to go to the bathroom?
• If you have a dress that zips in the back, who zips it up for you?
• Do you most often make scrambled eggs for one or for two?

Of course, in the absence of a better idea YOU COULD JUST ASK IF SHE’S SEEING ANYONE.

~BSG~

Grammar Police

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Hi, l’m in love wit a guy who hapened 2 b my sista’s inlaw. Although, he loves me 2, bt my problem nw is dat l’m 5yrs older than him. I’m so ashamed of myself befriending a vry young boy n l dn’t want 2 marry 4rm d same family wit my sista. We’ve decided 2 b best of friends until l’m married. So pls, l nid ur candid advice here. Shud l carry on wit him until l’m married or shud l quit? Thank u n God bess u. ~Cradle Robber~

Dear CR: Because he’s a little uptight about grammar and spelling, the Bitter Single Guy usually takes a slight editing pass at letters that have an error or an inelegant sentence. Although he knows that when his readers are in the throes of emotional torment sometimes an “alot” will slip through or a “your” when the writer means “you are”, these are like tiny daggers piercing the BSG’s big heart, but he has learned not to rail against these injustices.

Here, however, the BSG has to say “What the fuck, CR?” Note that the BSG is not opting for the less blatant “WTF”, but is going right to the f-bomb here in his column. Seriously, what the fuck? It took the BSG three times to understand that “4rm” means “from”. Is this what’s happening to language out there in the era of text messaging? If so, the BSG wants no part. Just this week, the BSG learned that some (many?) elementary schools in the US are no longer teaching cursive writing. What? The BSG gets that he’s sounding like an old curmudgeon here, but really? *BSG clenches his fist and shakes it at the sky* What’s becoming of our written language!?

OK whatever, CR. The BSG knows you don’t give a rat’s ass about the physical pain he experiences when he deciphers “l dn’t want 2 marry 4rm d same family wit my sista” to be “I don’t want to marry from the same family with my sister” because even with the words spelled out, it’s abysmal.

CR, the BSG hopes God blesses you too and he also hopes that God helps you stumble onto a dictionary or a grammar text book sometime soon.

Your question, abysmal writing and grammar aside, is apparently that you’ve fallen for your sister’s brother-in-law (assumed to be your sister’s husband’s brother) who is 5 years younger than you. Because of the age difference you’ve decided to be best friends until you’re married, although the BSG’s interpretation of your letter indicates that you’re not talking about marrying HIM, is that right?

CR, the context of actual age is critical here:

• Based on your use of “text speech” the BSG is going to assume that you’re not a 40 year old who has fallen for a 35 year old. Obviously, the BSG wouldn’t give a crap about that difference and neither should you.
• If you’re a 20 year old who’s fallen for a 15 year old, the BSG appreciates your concern and is glad you’ve written to him. Obviously, getting romantically involved in that situation is not only awkward, it’s illegal.
• Now if you’re a 16 year old who’s fallen for an 11 year old, the BSG wouldn’t worry about it too much…your (or his) parents might find it creepy but at least there’s no crime being committed.

More than likely this is a crush that will pass, CR. The BSG recommends giving it 3 months for the crush to pass so you can move on with your life.  ~BSG~

Is He Ready to Marry Me and Commit?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: My boyfriend has a program to help him get a house and was planning on getting a house on his own when we started dating 2 1/2 years ago. But after we decided that we should get one together he hasn’t said or done anything to show that he’s wanted to do this, such as talk about houses or look at them even on his own online or talk about wanting to. His program is up in about 5 months and when I asked him 7 months ago if he had seen any houses lately, he said he wasn’t sure if he was going to use the program to get a house or when he wanted to get one, saying whatever happens happens.

I told him I’m not comfortable with what he said and that I’m concerned that he doesn’t have a budget and that someday he will need one. He said: what for? I pay my car insurance and I pay my cell phone bill and I am putting money away and making plans on top of what I’m doing for my house program.

I also asked him if he would sell the 3rd car he has and he said that if he needed the money for something he would sell it. I also said that I feel like he feels so uncomfortable talking about the future and when I asked if he was looking at houses I was being curious and I wasn’t trying to be pushy but he wasn’t talking about them or looking at them instead he’s looking at cars for sale in the paper even though he doesn’t plan to or have money to buy one.

He explained that he has been making plans and was planning on asking me to marry him that he wants to marry me and he wanted to surprise me and didn’t want me to know and that he felt like it wasn’t right if we looked at houses or talked about getting a house together until he had put a ring on my finger. ~Wondering Where I Stand~

Dear WWIS: The Bitter Single Guy can see how, once the decision was made to cohabitate, you began your campaign for fiscal responsibility. However, the BSG will tell you what’s going on here. It’s likely that your beau, when faced with the prospect of buying a house and also faced with the reality of a girlfriend he really liked, tossed out the idea of shared housing without really thinking it through.

The BSG, even though he hasn’t agreed to share a house with you, was finding himself all freaked out by the barrage of questions about looking for houses, budgeting, or buying cars. So the BSG is pretty sure that beau-friend got similarly freaked out at your need to be involved in a series of life decisions (about bills and cars and houses) that he just hadn’t prepared himself to share yet.

The BSG swears that he’s going to create an online class called “So You’ve Decided To Live Together” that will highlight all these issues and more (tuna salad: mayonnaise or Miracle Whip? Discuss.) because these day to day issues are the ones that kill relationships.

Here’s the plan WWIS: Tell your beau-friend that you’re totally jazzed about the marriage idea and that you definitely jumped with both feet into this idea of buying a house together and that it had all these ripples into cars and budgets and other things that were not nearly as interesting sounding as wedding rings.

Please also tell your beau-friend that you can appreciate (or at least that the BSG can appreciate) his need to formalize your relationship before entering into a financial arrangement…that’s actually quite responsible of him and should be recognized as such.

After those potentially contentious and undoubtedly scary conversations, the BSG wants you to chill. That’s right, just chill out and let him know that you’d like to continue the conversation about all this so you can better understand what HE wants rather than telling him how it should be. ~BSG~