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The BSG is Proud of You

May 30th, 2012 | No Comments | Posted in Tips For Love
Oh dear readers, the Bitter Single Guy is so PROUD of you! Of 645 folks who responded to this poll, most of you are NOT giving it up too early or too late.

The BSG is so proud

Although the BSG admits that sometimes it’s tough not to be slutty on that first date (heck what if there ISN’T a second date?) he’s pleased to see that most of his readers want to get to know each other a little bit before hanky-panky ensues (for those of you unclear on the terminology, the BSG means sex).

The BSG has a special message for the 10+ date folks. There is a point in your relationship where what you have is a friendship. If you’re legitimately holding back some powerful urges for marriage or some other event, well more power to you and the BSG applauds your fortitude. However, IF you’re over 10 dates and thinking that you’ll be sexually attracted someday (but not today), you have a buddy, not a date. The BSG is just sayin’.

~BSG~

Done With Dating at 27

May 20th, 2012 | No Comments | Posted in Can't Get A Date

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I guess you could say I’m an interesting case of a genuine loser.  Not saying that to be “down” on myself, just an observation.  I’m twenty-seven.  I have had one real girlfriend (two total, the first was in sixth grade, hence the reason the other one is the only “real” one).  We started dating when we were sixteen.  Things got serious (stupid at that age, I know) and we were together for a year and a half until the inevitable happened.  I took it pretty hard when it ended.  Before that “relationship”, I was the guy alone in the corner at dances; the one who would ask girls out and always get laughed at for it.  After I got over that “relationship” I decided to try again (online dating, getting “friends” trying to “hook me up” with someone they knew, actually tried “clubbing” just for the hell of it).  No luck.  It’s been almost ten years since that break up and I haven’t so much as had an even remotely romantic conversation with a woman; forget about dates, they won’t even talk to me unless it’s strictly a professional conversation.  Even then, they end it as quickly as possible.  You know sometimes when you look at a member of the opposite sex and they smile back… nope, I just get the eye roll and turn away reaction.

I really don’t get it.  I’m not completely disgusting or mutated.  I’m just an average Joe.  6’, 190lbs, dirty blond, blue eyes, pretty good tan… I’m no Brad Pitt, but I’m no fat, dumpy, mutated slob either.  I’m not that guy who thinks he’s cool and hip and makes an ass of himself trying to prove it.  I know who I am and I go with it.  It’s not like I’m an asshole either.  I help anyone I can when the opportunity arises.  I’m a nice guy (I think so anyway).  I was gainfully employed, full-time, making pretty good money until about a year and a half ago when I decided to “retire” after seven years and pursue a new career.  I’m now a full time student (paid for mostly with savings from when I had a job) heading for the engineering field.  Which means most of women I’m around (at least the ones that are old enough to “consider”) are in upper level science classes… aka: female nerds.  Even they’re not interested.

Around five or six years ago I pretty much gave up.  Decided it just wasn’t worth the effort.  If chicks weren’t interested I’d just go about my business.  Life has actually been pretty good since then; a lot less stress (aside from the fact that I haven’t gotten laid in a decade).  Here’s the problem, I find myself asking if I should change this.  I have not had a single woman show even the slightest interest in me in ten years (whether I’ve been trying or not), and even then I only had one.  Being “terminally” single at twenty-seven seems a little strange.

So what are your thoughts BSG?  Any clue as to why chicks just plain don’t “dig” me?  I’m “trying” to figure out what the problem is so I can determine if it’s worth it for me to fix it.  Clearly, whatever it is, it’s something I haven’t been able to figure out for twenty-seven years.  Should I just accept being single as my place in life? ~Ready to Retire~

Dear RTR: The Bitter Single Guy does not in any fashion accept the premise that, at 27 years old, you’re a genuine loser and done with love (although he thinks you could use fewer “quotes”, but that’s just the BSG).  Let’s break this down RTR:

  1. You ask whether you should accept this: No. You should not. Clearly you agree or you wouldn’t have written to the BSG.
  2. Chicks don’t “dig” you: Don’t assume that all chicks dig the same thing because they don’t (nor do all dudes dig the same thing). Look around the world next time you’re out in it…there are weird unlikely pairings of smiling couples all over the damned place.
  3. You’ve had no action (romantic or otherwise) since your relationship of ten years ago ended: Stop thinking of your ten-years-ago relationship as a reference point, that’s not helping. You’re a completely different person.
  4. You’re at least average looking and you think you’re a nice guy: These are useful data points, and ones that the BSG wants you to validate.

Here’s the plan, RTR: The BSG wants you to bring this opportunity to someone who knows you and who you trust. If you can’t think of a person like that, the BSG recommends getting a therapist. Therapy: Not Just For The Crazies.

Whether a friend or a therapist, the BSG wants you to lay this problem out for this person and be ready for any answer “Dude, you kind of ARE an asshole.” “Dude, you don’t so much look at girls in public as you leer at them.” Whatever the answers, you clearly need some skills at connecting with girls (maybe anyone) in a genuine fashion. That’s what wins, by the way: connect genuinely and openly…at the end of the day, being a snappy dresser or having abs or having a good opening line may get the ball rolling, but making the connection is what keeps it rolling (or something like that).

That’s it RTR. Get help. Get input. Believe it or not, the BSG has to tell you that you have a LOT of lovin’ ahead of you if you’re just 27 and he believes that it will click for you sooner or later. Getting some help and input will makes sure that you’re not 40 years old, wildly in love, and wishing you had taken steps earlier because being in love is so awesomely cool (the BSG hears).

~BSG~

 

He Looks Good on Paper

May 10th, 2012 | No Comments | Posted in Dumped

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I really don’t understand myself. Maybe you can help.

I’m a 19-year-old college girl. I am a virgin. I’ve been asked out or propositioned before, but I’ve pretty much felt asexual until recently. So anyway, I finally met this cool guy, A, and we hit it off. He takes me on dates, treats me well, respects my boundaries, texts me 5 times a day and all that jazz. We’ve known each other for 3 months and have been dating for 2 of them. We’re not in a relationship (although that seems to be his intention), and we’ve only kissed so far. I don’t have a strong desire to have sex, but I realize that’s generally a necessary part of a relationship. Although our personalities are really compatible and I always have fun with him, I’ve never had the crazy intense chemistry that people get with their significant others.  But then again, I figured that after a while, the intensity always fades with the novelty, right?

…at least, that’s how I felt until I met this guy, B, at a party, and it was just like…instant fireworks. He wasn’t that good looking, but I gave him my number within an hour. Wasn’t personality either, since I couldn’t hear a thing he was saying over all the other people talking. By pure coincidence he switched into a class I’m taking. He texted me afterwards asking if I wanted to hang out, I texted back yes, and no response since.

And suddenly, continuing to date A is no longer an option.  But how do you break it off with someone who basically did everything right and basically has been perfect in every way? I guess since we never reached official relationship stage that makes it better, but he keeps calling me with excited plans about all these places he wants to take me and I’m just like, yeah…soon… I have a vague notion that I’m supposed to do this in person, but I don’t want him to drive over half an hour to my place so he can get broken up with! He’s also spent a lot of money on me (I always try to go Dutch and sometimes we do, sometimes he grabs the check when I’m not looking) so I was wondering if I should treat him to a meal first. Or would this just seem mean-spirited?

Turning it over in my mind, I realize it just seems crazier and crazier that I am basically throwing away a chance to have a fulfilling relationship with a great guy for a potential hookup (not even a hookup! A potential one!) with a stranger I barely know. I just can’t date a guy I have no sexual chemistry with when there’s another guy who, I don’t know, he like, moves and I get turned on. Am I crazy, BSG? And what should I say to guy A? ~ Looks Good on Paper~

Dear LGOP: The Bitter Single Guy wants to welcome you to the world of chemical attraction! LGOP, the BSG has himself been a slave to illogical attraction and he is here to tell you that there is very little to change it.  We all want to believe that attraction is logical and that when the reasonable part of our brains tell us that safe and funny and reliable are attractive qualities, that’s just wishful thinking. Because then we meet guys at parties who we can’t hear over the crowd and aren’t that attractive, but who, for reasons passing understanding, just lift up our metaphorical skirts (or our actual skirts, which is a little invasive possibly, but could be fun too).

Yeah, the scoop is that you’ve got the hots for Guy B and you don’t have the hots for Guy A. So the plan is to break up with Guy A, but the BSG wants to be very clear here. Don’t break up with Guy A because Guy B is a better choice…break up with Guy A because he’s NOT the right choice. There is a difference here and it will become clear if (when) Guy B ends up also not being the right guy, despite all your chemistry. At that distant point in the future (maybe not so distant if he hasn’t answered the hang-out text yet) you’ll think that maybe you shouldn’t have let Guy A go, but the BSG wants to you to go look at what you just wrote: He’s nice and fun, but you have no attraction to him. LGOP, it turns out that attraction is necessary and fun and while it may not feel the same on day 1000 as it did on day 1, it’s still there (or the BSG would assume it was if he had had a day 1000 with someone yet. Sheesh.)

No, you don’t have to buy him a meal, but you don’t need to make him drive a half hour to your house to break up with him. Why can’t you meet him closer to him? You’re correct that you need to do this in person, but let go of the idea that you have some sort of debt to repay to Guy A. He’s in this with both feet…if he ends up feeling used, give him the BSG’s email address.

~BSG~

Podcast: His Wife Wants Permission to Fool Around

May 5th, 2012 | No Comments | Posted in Stay Or Go?

This man’s wife wants permission to fol around AND keep her husband happily at home. What would YOU advise? Hear what the BSG advises…quickest podcasts online here…it’s like 3 minutes. May 1, 2012

Pursuing Mr. Cleverpants

May 1st, 2012 | No Comments | Posted in I'm A Tool

Dear Bitter Single Guy: My life is full of odd, often funny situations but there is one that has stuck. I need a magic word to pull my brain to earth. I cannot divulge all the detail so hope it’s enough.

I met someone 25 yrs ago in my errant youth. He liked me I didn’t get it but also didn’t like his rather nasty family and I already had one of my own to contend with (worked for his father who was keen to get us together at the time). Nothing happened. We went separate ways then 5 yrs later unexpectedly saw him again and realized I liked him but timing was lousy. To make a long story short, over the years on occasion he magically reappeared. I didn’t really think about anything much, this has been one of many ‘stupid things young me did’ ‘that’s life’ stories. we had an inside joke of sorts and 1 year ago while getting ready to move I found something related to it and sent it to him via work with an irreverent note with no address etc etc. no.big.deal. I thought. I have no idea if he ever got it but after I sent it my brain went nuts. I couldn’t stop thinking, afraid he would magically appear somewhere like he used to – became moderately paranoid yet wanted him to (he hasn’t). A couple weeks after posting joke / note to him, I Googled my distinctive name for the first time to find a short black comedy about a couple with our names.??? I was completely wielded out. then googled mr cleverpants and discovered he had come to work on a couple of assignments in the country I was then living in whereupon I went over the edge (know zilch about his personal life). I have divorced, moved back to the city it all started in which was necessary but unhelpful, and to my relief we shift back overseas in a few months time. I am older/ potentially wiser and have spent a lot of time working out what I want as a result of having been unhappily married for 11 years. Now that i am happy again with space to think there is a voice in my head telling me I want to be with him. What utter crap. Please help me clear my head, nothing works. I am generally action-oriented so this is becoming a titch stressful. What do you think – certifiable or just 98th mid-life crisis? What does one do (gardening being out)? ~Spinning in Circles~

Dear SIC: The Bitter Single Guy isn’t exactly sure what the hell you’re talking about, but he’ll take a stab at it because frankly, your letter cracked him up a little.

The gist of your sitch, as far as the BSG can tell, is that you had an on-again-off-again attraction to a guy starting when you met him about 25 years ago. The BSG will hazard a guess that you were attracted to him, but weren’t sure why or weren’t comfortable with the attraction, so it stayed in odd fantasy mode.

Then, you find yourself in 11 years of unhappy married life and your brain (which, like so many brains, doesn’t always listen to reason) keeps reminding you of this guy because frankly a decade of unhappiness would make any brain play reruns of happier times.

Now you’ve escaped the unhappy marriage and so clearly your brain thinks you should rekindle whatever the hell you had with this guy. This is all totally logical and the BSG understands how you could get there. However, this whole “he magically appears” is leaving way too much up to chance and the BSG wants to remind you that this has been unfolding for a quarter of a century. It’s time to step up to the plate, SIC. Here’s the plan:

You stop Googling yourself and Mr. Cleverpants looking for star-crossed coincidences. Instead you send a direct note to Mr. Cleverpants, including your contact information. In this note, you say “Hey, we hung out once and I’d like to hang out again. Fancy a pint?”

At that point, your relationship with Mr. Cleverpants will exit your non-helpful brain and enter the real world. You may find that Mr. C isn’t interested, or you may find that he’s interested, but a bit of a bore. You may even find that he’s interested and that the real-life version of him is actually quite different (having lived through his own separate 25 years since you met him) than the version of him that your brain has been clutching like a tattered teddy bear.

Yup…step up to the plate, SIC. You’ve been warming up in the batter’s box for 25 years. At this point a swing-and-a-miss will at least let you move on.

~BSG~

 

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