May 10th, 2012
| | Posted in Dumped
Dear Bitter Single Guy: I really don’t understand myself. Maybe you can help.
I’m a 19-year-old college girl. I am a virgin. I’ve been asked out or propositioned before, but I’ve pretty much felt asexual until recently. So anyway, I finally met this cool guy, A, and we hit it off. He takes me on dates, treats me well, respects my boundaries, texts me 5 times a day and all that jazz. We’ve known each other for 3 months and have been dating for 2 of them. We’re not in a relationship (although that seems to be his intention), and we’ve only kissed so far. I don’t have a strong desire to have sex, but I realize that’s generally a necessary part of a relationship. Although our personalities are really compatible and I always have fun with him, I’ve never had the crazy intense chemistry that people get with their significant others. But then again, I figured that after a while, the intensity always fades with the novelty, right?
…at least, that’s how I felt until I met this guy, B, at a party, and it was just like…instant fireworks. He wasn’t that good looking, but I gave him my number within an hour. Wasn’t personality either, since I couldn’t hear a thing he was saying over all the other people talking. By pure coincidence he switched into a class I’m taking. He texted me afterwards asking if I wanted to hang out, I texted back yes, and no response since.
And suddenly, continuing to date A is no longer an option. But how do you break it off with someone who basically did everything right and basically has been perfect in every way? I guess since we never reached official relationship stage that makes it better, but he keeps calling me with excited plans about all these places he wants to take me and I’m just like, yeah…soon… I have a vague notion that I’m supposed to do this in person, but I don’t want him to drive over half an hour to my place so he can get broken up with! He’s also spent a lot of money on me (I always try to go Dutch and sometimes we do, sometimes he grabs the check when I’m not looking) so I was wondering if I should treat him to a meal first. Or would this just seem mean-spirited?
Turning it over in my mind, I realize it just seems crazier and crazier that I am basically throwing away a chance to have a fulfilling relationship with a great guy for a potential hookup (not even a hookup! A potential one!) with a stranger I barely know. I just can’t date a guy I have no sexual chemistry with when there’s another guy who, I don’t know, he like, moves and I get turned on. Am I crazy, BSG? And what should I say to guy A? ~ Looks Good on Paper~
Dear LGOP: The Bitter Single Guy wants to welcome you to the world of chemical attraction! LGOP, the BSG has himself been a slave to illogical attraction and he is here to tell you that there is very little to change it. We all want to believe that attraction is logical and that when the reasonable part of our brains tell us that safe and funny and reliable are attractive qualities, that’s just wishful thinking. Because then we meet guys at parties who we can’t hear over the crowd and aren’t that attractive, but who, for reasons passing understanding, just lift up our metaphorical skirts (or our actual skirts, which is a little invasive possibly, but could be fun too).
Yeah, the scoop is that you’ve got the hots for Guy B and you don’t have the hots for Guy A. So the plan is to break up with Guy A, but the BSG wants to be very clear here. Don’t break up with Guy A because Guy B is a better choice…break up with Guy A because he’s NOT the right choice. There is a difference here and it will become clear if (when) Guy B ends up also not being the right guy, despite all your chemistry. At that distant point in the future (maybe not so distant if he hasn’t answered the hang-out text yet) you’ll think that maybe you shouldn’t have let Guy A go, but the BSG wants to you to go look at what you just wrote: He’s nice and fun, but you have no attraction to him. LGOP, it turns out that attraction is necessary and fun and while it may not feel the same on day 1000 as it did on day 1, it’s still there (or the BSG would assume it was if he had had a day 1000 with someone yet. Sheesh.)
No, you don’t have to buy him a meal, but you don’t need to make him drive a half hour to your house to break up with him. Why can’t you meet him closer to him? You’re correct that you need to do this in person, but let go of the idea that you have some sort of debt to repay to Guy A. He’s in this with both feet…if he ends up feeling used, give him the BSG’s email address.