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28 Dating 18

June 28th, 2012 | No Comments | Posted in Cheaters

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I met my BF a month and a half ago. we met through my friend’s big sister. He’s 28, and I’m 18. I ended up losing my virginity to him 4 days after we met… which was BEFORE my BF and my friend’s sister decided to mention that THEY had slept together before he met me… I want to believe him when he tells me he loves me, since the first time he said it was when he was literally in tears because i could no longer handle his distant attitude, and my mind keeps going back to my friend’s sister. She not only has me topped in age, but experience as well(which he claims doesn’t bother him that I’m 18 and ONLY ever been with him.) what should i do about my insecurities over his “friend” that he’s “had fun with”? ~Scared Of Falling~

Dear SOF: the Bitter Single Guy wants to apologize in advance to you. Although he’s going to work hard to avoid it, he’s going to do that thing that everyone (including the BSG) hates, which is when someone older tells you that they know more than you do. Of course the BSG regularly tells his readers that he knows more than they do, so this is hardly new, but the BSG doesn’t want you to think this is all about age.

OK SOF, that said…this is all about age. The fact that Ancient (to you) Andy didn’t tell you that he had hooked up with your sister’s friend when he first met you is a little tacky, but actually not that big a deal. The bigger deal would have been if he had ZERO sexual history prior to you. At 28 years old, you need to expect that this guy has had some sex. Frankly, if you’re going to be dating older guys, you need to build up some thicker skin about managing the age difference. You need to accept that Ancient Andy (as well as future BF’s because this current relationship is going to expire pretty soon) will have been with other girls and overall will have different priorities than you do (at 18 you may be thinking about college and at 28 Ancient Andy is likely done with it, or at least more job-focused).

Now despite all that, the BSG is entirely supportive (even if many folks are not) of the fact that sometimes folks are attracted to older or younger people. Within the bounds of the law, the BSG has no ethical problem here and in fact knows that younger-attracted-to-older people can feel pretty dissed (is that still a thing?) by the whole that-old-guy-took-advantage-of-her reaction of many folks. So the BSG is in favor of exploring your attractions (again…within the bounds of the law).

So the BSG’s advice is to let go of the whole he-had-sex-with-my-sister’s-friend drama. If your attraction is to older guys, get ready to manage the realities of that age difference or you’re always going to be frustrated. ~BSG~

Don’t Like to Type?

June 26th, 2012 | No Comments | Posted in What The Hell?

Call the BSG at 856-244-1274.

OK, the BSG doesn’t actually answer, but you’ll hear his voice encouraging you to leave your recorded question. Recorded questions end up in the BSGCast (could be audio, could be video. Either way the coolness factor is pretty high).

Even better? Just call to say howdy! The BSG loves getting messages.

Do it. Do it now.

~BSG~

Am I In A Relationship?

June 25th, 2012 | No Comments | Posted in What The Hell?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Ok…so I met this guy at a bonfire last Friday and my friends introduced us and we talked all night. It was late by the time we were all ready to go home so he asked me if I wanted to go back to his place and talk and watch a movie because he really liked talking to me so I said sure. We ended up talking until 6 in the morning and not once did he try anything with me. The next morning he asked me to stay so he could cook dinner for me and I ended up staying with him all weekend. I slept with him the second night I was there but that didn’t change anything. But the thing is, when I asked him where he saw us going he said he isn’t ready for a relationship because every time he puts his all into one he gets hurt and he doesn’t want to settle down unless its with the one he wants to be with. The thing that I’m confused about is that he treats me like we are together. I’m over at his place all the time, he texts me, calls me every night before we go to bed if I don’t stay over, calls me “baby” or things like that, he cooks for me…well you get the picture. He is even excited to meet my mom! What I don’t get is why he is doing all the cute things couples do and wanting to meet my mom when we aren’t in a relationship and when he says he doesn’t want to be in one? I would love to be in a relationship with him…how do I get him to see that I won’t hurt him and that he should consider being with me? Is there even a chance? ~So Damn Confused~

Dear SDC: The Bitter Single Guy loves hearing about new beginnings! Everything is so new and you’re excitedly learning everything about the other person. It’s sweet really! And only a little bit gagging for the people around you, but don’t pay attention to their (our) bitterness.

Here’s the short version: you already ARE in a relationship with this guy, you’re just not in an exclusive, committed relationship. The BSG has several pieces of advice for you:
Give it time. You met this guy on Friday, so you’re what…a week in? Good heavens, an orange bought the night you met isn’t even mooshy yes, much less moldy. Short version, the BSG doesn’t recommend putting labels on relationships in the first few weeks. Have fun for Pete’s sake.
Let go of labels. If Hesitant Harold isn’t ready for a capital-R-relationship, then don’t call it that. The conversations to have (in a few weeks) start with whether you both want to stop seeing other people (even if he’s not, holding the idea in his head that he CAN will keep you at arm’s length). If the answer is yes and you’re exclusive, then call it what you want, you’re in a relationship.
Set some boundaries. Let Hesitant Harold know that you’re not just in it for his agenda by deciding what’s OK and what’s not. For example, tell him that you don’t introduce Friends With Benefits to your mother because it’s too annoying to explain later why you’re not around anymore. This will freak him out, but it’s critical, the BSG believes, to let him know that you’re not simply going to do this his way.
But really SDC, mostly the BSG wants you to relax right now. Talk about other things than “where this is going” for a few weeks and just have some fun. ~BSG~

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Did He Break Up With Me?

June 21st, 2012 | 3 Comments | Posted in Dumped

Dear Bitter Single Guy: First I must write that you really aren’t so bitter after all. From your posts I read a lot of well-intentioned wisdom, which has prompted my email. (~Awww…gosh thanks~)

OK, so I’ve been seeing this guy long distance since October . He’s 35, I’m 28, neither of us have been married. I’ve met his entire family, gone to birthday parties, holiday events, etc with him. He recently quit his job to go back to school to pursue another career. I supported this decision. Recently I asked him to come visit me, but got no response. Within the last month he has become quite distant from towards me. Not returning my calls as consistently as he used to, emails, etc. What did I do? Was I wrong to ask him to come see me? Why cold all of a sudden? Should I wait for him to call or call him? Is he done with me?

My parents think he can’t commit to anything, and that’s the reason for his behavior. But I don’t think so. Are some guys lifelong bachelors? He lives with an older brother who is also not married. ~Thinking I’m Single~

Dear TIS: OK, the BSG hopes this ship hasn’t sailed, but it’s so rare that we get to reclaim power in a potential dumpee situation that he thinks you need to act fast. For reference, the BSG is referring to the fact that everyone at some point gets dumped and everyone at some point dumps someone (if you’re in the game, that is). The nature of the dump-er and dump-ee dynamic is that you have more power as the dumper than you do the dumpee. UnLESS you can effect a preemptive dumping…that’s the plan for you TIS.

What helps you in this is that Spineless Jellyfish Man is apparently using the ever-popular breakup-by-proxy approach…which is to say; he’s going to go dark and wait for you to “get the message”. The BSG loves to hear people talk about this as if it’s legitimate. “I stopped calling him two weeks ago, can’t he get the message?” <giggles callously> Tacky, tacky, tacky.

Don’t wait for him to respond to your questions about coming to visit, don’t extend another offer. Do this: Call him and say something like “Since you’ve moved away to school, it seems we’ve grown distant and I’m sensing that our relationship is over for you. I can understand how that can happen. Call me if you want to get together sometime…otherwise good luck.”

This will get his attention, without a doubt. He’ll either act all innocent about his behavior being called out and call you with a bunch of “I NEVER meant that!” talk, or he’ll take the “get out of jail free card” you’ve offered and will simply continue not to communicate.The BSG suspects the former. That’s the way of Spineless Jellyfish Men.

Either way, the power is now yours as the dumper! It won’t feel good…that ship has already sailed…but it will allow the recovery time to be significantly less.

By the way, to your question about whether some men are lifelong bachelors: Sure some are. It’s easy to say it’s because of fear of commitment, but in the BSG’s mind there are a ton of reasons why a person (man or woman) would spend his or her life single. That’s for another post.

~BSG~

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D/s and Bipolar Girlfriends

June 20th, 2012 | No Comments | Posted in I'm A Tool

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Here is where things are.  I am a very loving Dominant, with a bipolar submissive/girlfriend.  (Before any answers or advice, if you are unfamiliar with the lifestyle, or ONLY familiar via Hollywood, please take a moment to find out what D/s is and isn’t, thanks).

This is not the first relationship I have had with a bipolar s/o.  But this has been by far the most turbulent.  She has “broken up” with me better than 6 times in the last 7 months.  Always lasts a day, TWO at most.  Anymore, when it starts, I just keep my head down and wait for the storm to pass.

She often reverts to the same reasons.  “I was looking for a Dom, not a bf!”  “I told you I didn’t want a relationship” etc.  But then, refers to me as Sir when we’re together, and her “Bf” in public. Refers to herself as my “gf”.  Is INSANELY jealous, and loses her mind at even a smile from a friendly grocery store cashier.

I know that this will be a battle that I will fight pretty much for forever.  What I need to ask, I suppose, is how do I find her triggers?  They come out of bloody NO WHERE, and I never know what to expect.  Like, last week.  A message on Facebook of “I love you so much, I can’t wait until we live together”….5 minutes later “I’m done.  I can’t do this anymore. I’ll be over after work tomorrow to get my stuff”…..the next day, texts about breaking up all day.  By the time she came over, it was wild sex, and she stayed the weekend,  all sweet and full of “I love you”.  Any help/advice would be helpful.

p.s. she refuses to take meds “They alter who I am”, and won’t seek any therapy.  She BARELY admits she has the disorder….but it’s VERY apparent! ~Baffled and Confused Dom~

Dear BCD: The Bitter Single Guy appreciates you protecting his potentially delicate (and uninformed) sensibilities by asking him to become at least minimally educated on the Dominance/submissive (D/s) lifestyle before answering your letter. (for the BSG’s less informed readers, there is a quick view here) Although not the BSG’s cup of tea, he has long been appreciative of D/s folks’ manner of talking openly with their partners about the giving and holding of power rather than letting it happen willy-nilly like the rest of us. But all that is for another column.

BCD, the bottom line is that this has nothing to do with your D/s lifestyle. You’re involved with, as the BSG understands it, someone with a diagnosed disorder who refuses to use medicine or therapy. So the result is that YOU’RE expected to ‘keep your head down and wait for the storm to pass’? Seriously BCD? Is leash-on-the-tornado really the life you want for yourself, or for your partner?

The BSG thinks that trying to find her triggers so you can avoid them is the wrong question, and that the RIGHT question is “should I continue to be the only one in this relationship trying to take responsibility for it?” To which the BSG would say no…you do yourself and your partner no good in the current dynamic. How, pray tell, do you go about asking for what you need in this relationship? Not in the dom sense, but in a day-to-day sense? If all that’s available to you is to react to her volatility then you’re just a tool and you’re not helping either of you. The BSG will go out on a limb here and tell you that you deserve better in your sub and your sub deserves the balance in her life that would likely come from medication and/or therapy. ~BSG~

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