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Hot For Teacher

December 30th, 2012 | No Comments | Posted in I'm A Tool

Hi Bitter Single Guy: I have been taking guitar lessons for a few months and have found myself completely infatuated with my instructor. There is a kindness about him that I’m quite drawn to and he’s a very talented musician. He is also a bit younger than me (which doesn’t bother me at all).

However, I’m unsure how to tell him how I feel because I run the risk of rejection and having to find another instructor. I really don’t want to find another instructor as he’s quite talented and I enjoy learning the guitar. He has become the best and worst part of my week. It is great to see him and learn music, but then I have to leave him and try to spend the next week forgetting about him when in truth I want more. Sometimes I feel like he’s interested, but I can’t tell. We have a lot of things in common ranging from sports to music.

Once I had sent him an email asking if he wanted to hang out with me and a group of friends at a local band concert. It was about a day before I heard back from him and he thanked me for the invitation and said that he was actually playing a show up in Lexington. I didn’t mention the show or email at all to him the next time I saw him.  His response leads me to believe that he’s not interested. I don’t know if I should tell him how I feel the next time I have my lesson or just leave it alone. However, I’m consumed by thoughts of him and truly want to be with him. If he doesn’t want me then I need to move on and learn to forget him. It is getting too difficult to see him every week and not having it be more than just guitar lessons. ~Wicked Confused~

Dear WC: The Bitter Single Guy knows all too well what it’s like for someone to occupy his waking moments in a wistful sort of obsession. It probably seems romantic, but the BSG and you know that it’s actually hellish.

WC, this is easy but painful in the BSG’s opinion. You have to say something. This will result in one of two outcomes:

He feels the same and your guitar lessons suddenly get AWESOME as your obsession blossoms into dating then love, after which the obsession will die (because they always do) and the fantasy version of Guitar Man will be replaced by the action version of Guitar Man, which will make you sad that he’s not what you thought he was and you’ll argue. This may be the end of a tumultuous 6 months, or will be the beginning of a long relationship based in reality.

He doesn’t feel the same and suddenly guitar lessons become totally awkward and you have to find another teacher. You and the BSG both know that this is the more likely of the two outcomes, but ignoring it isn’t going to make it go away. As long as you sit at Guitar Man’s knee learning his craft, you’re going to be continually obsessed and as long as you don’t tell him you’ll stay firmly in the limbo you’re in now. So do it. Tell him. At the very least, you’ll know that you did all you could. ~BSG~

Older Man and Teenager

December 26th, 2012 | No Comments | Posted in Can't Get A Date

Hi BSG! So I’m in a tricky situation. I met this amazing guy about a month ago; we were totally in sync, talked for hours (until he missed his train home!) the physical attraction is there etc etc. HOWEVER, the one problem is, he’s a good 13/14 years older than me (I’m in my teens). He has since told me that he would want to date me/finds me attractive but a mutual friend has warned him off because of the age gap.

So I’m not sure what to do! Do take the initiative and go for it with him, risking being labeled desperate and maybe driving him away; or do I leave him alone and try to be content with what we have. Any advice is appreciated, thank you! ~Older Man Dilemma~

Dear OMD: The BSG’s first question (and the first question of many of his readers, he bets) is exactly what “teen” you are? Because if your particular teen-ness is below the age of consent in your state, then the Bitter Single Guy sincerely hopes that your Old Man stays the hell away from you, regardless of how awesome you are.

That aside, if the BSG assumes that a relationship between the two of you is at least legal, he still finds himself skeptical. At the top end of “teen”, you’re 19 years old, which puts your Old Man around 32 or 33. Adults develop and mature tremendously between our late teens and our late twenties…so much so that the BSG is wary of a 32 year-old man who finds himself emotionally connected to a 19 year old girl. The BSG thinks that the BEST you can hope for is a relationship that is legal and won’t go sour until you change in a few years.

But really what the BSG thinks is that Older Man should keep a firm boundary, not lead you on by saying that he’s attracted to you. The BSG is in no way opposed to younger/older pairings, but thinks that late 20’s is the earliest that they’re likely to have much hope for lasting. ~BSG~

There Was This Girl Once

December 23rd, 2012 | No Comments | Posted in Can't Get A Date

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I met this girl last summer and we really hit it off. She basically ended up saying she liked me too. I liked and still like her a lot. The thing is when we text, sometimes she just never texts back. It’s getting bad because I cannot believe how perfect this girl is. I can’t pass this up. I just don’t know if it’s too late to try and tell her I like her. What do I do? ~Missing Last Summer~

Dear MLS: The Bitter Single Guy couldn’t help it…an “awwww” slipped out while he read your letter. Dude, the BSG has some good news and some bad news for you and because it’s the Christmas season he’s going to give you the good news first.

THE GOOD NEWS: It’s never too late to tell someone you like them. The BSG has had letters from people who ask if it’s OK to tell someone 40 years later that they Ike them. Oddly, these seem to mostly be me so the BSG doesn’t know if women are better at communicating their feelings, or if they’re better at squashing their feelings. The BSG suspects it’s the former (right?). In fact MLS, the BSG is going to go out on a limb here and tell you that you have an obligation to tell this girl how you feel. You have an obligation to all the men (and the 5 women who were raised by wolves and barely know themselves) who are reading this and nodding their heads, wishing they had told someone in their past that they liked them. The BSG realizes that this has taken on the hue of a thousand random romantic comedy movies, but the fact that this theme gets repeated over and over in movies means that it’s the lesson we just don’t learn. So do it, MLS. Contact this girl and tell her that the summer meant a lot to you and you really like her and you think that the two of you have a chance for real happiness. Do it today.

THE BAD NEWS: She’s going to break your heart. In this age of text messaging (whatever happened to phone calls?) if she’s delaying her answers or just not answering some of your texts, then she’s probably hoping you’ll “take the hint” and stop texting her. As a side note, the BSG REALLY hates people who are so unable to communicate that they rely on people taking hints.

Now MLS there is always the chance that the BSG is wrong and this girl isn’t getting your texts, or she doesn’t keep her phone next to her at all times in case a text comes in, or even worse…what if she thinks of her phone as a convenience and actually leaves it OFF sometimes! The horror!

So yeah, there is a chance that she’s really into YOU, but not really into TEXTING, but the BSG suspects not. So get ready to be shot down, but don’t let that keep you from telling her that you like her…seriously. You’ll regret it forever if you don’t and you’ll be writing to the BSG in 20 years about the one who got away because you never told her how you felt. So get that boom box up on your shoulder and make your feelings known. ~BSG~

Young Love by

December 20th, 2012 | No Comments | Posted in Tips For Love
Randall Munroe is brilliant


 The Bitter Single Guy LOVES this comic (and entirely agrees)

A Quick History Of Sex Toys

December 18th, 2012 | No Comments | Posted in Tips For Love

This is a guest post brought to you by the nice folks at Adam & Eve ~BSG~

Sex toys have been around for as long as sex. As soon as humans figured out how to procreate (and enjoy it), they figured out how to make sex toys. In fact, most of the toys we use today were created well over 2000 years ago. From caves to Adam & Eve, check out this brief history of sex toys from 35,000 years ago until now.

33,000 BC: A carved ivory figurine found inside of a cave in Germany dates back to 33,000 BC and is considered the first form of pornography. The statuette contained enlarged breasts and genitals leading scientists to believe it is the cavemen’s rendition of porn.

28,000 BC: Cave men and women moved beyond the figurines and started creating phallic shaped tools for sexual pleasure. An eight inch long, one inch wide carved stone object was found buried in a cave in Germany. Scientists believe that the shape and size are consistent with that of a sex toy

2300 BC: Many uncovered brothels and bedrooms in the Middle East that date back to 2300 BC were found housing ceramic jugs of olive oil. Literature from the time period list it as a personal lubricant.

1700 BC: The Kama Sutra was written by a Hindu philosopher during this time. This book is still celebrated today and contains sexual positions. The book also suggests that men should wear penis extenders if they are impotent or have wives with big vaginas.

800 BC: The Chinese started making penis rings out of goats eyelids. They were found to be pleasurable for the women and aided in maintaining a man’s erection. They eventually switched over to materials like ivory and stone.

500 BC: Greek women were having common day sex toy parties by this time by offering their women neighbors oblisbos (the dildo predecessor) when their husbands went off to war. Art and Greek literature from that time period contained many depictions of the oblisbos.

500 AD: Over in Asia, the Japanese designed Geisha balls, now known as Ben Wa Balls. These were originally used for men’s pleasure and were made of stone.

1700s AD: Sadomasochism rears its head in Marquis de Sade’s novel, Justine where the use of riding crops, whips, nipple clamps are restraints are depicted in a sexual nature.

1800s AD: The first steam-powered vibrator is created in 1869. Originally, designed to cure women from hysteria, this machine had to be operated by two doctors and resulted in lots of “curing”/pleasurable side effects.

1900s AD: With the discovery of electricity came the invention of electric vibrators. These were immediately marketed to women and sold along side other household goods in the Sears and Roebuck magazine.

1930 AD: The first rubber condom was invented.

1994 AD: The first fleshlight was created, the first manufactured masturbatory toy for men.

2009 AD: Apple approved an app for the iPhone called that allows you to turn your phone into your own sex toy.

We’ve come a long way since 33,000 BC in every way possible, but it’s funny to know that most of the toys we use today, albeit made from far different material, were developed thousands of years ago.

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