(Almost) 40 Year Old Virgin
Note: The BSG couldn’t bring himself to edit this very long letter…there’s too much going on here. Enjoy!
Dear Bitter Single Guy: I was once a nice sweet guy, great sense of humor, a tad weird, and a self proclaimed romantic, I am 39 now, never had a true relationship, only had one woman in my life I ever truly loved.
I lived in Massachusetts all my life. And over the years in my search for the love of my life, I have found that from the time of birth, women have been told that men are pigs, scum, and jerks.ect. On the other hand…women are supposed to be the sweetest things, sensitive and caring, affectionate creatures.
I tried many tactics to entice a woman’s attention, from personal ads, dating services, bars, dance clubs, book stores, supermarkets, you name it, I been there. Even on the train, on the street. One thing has never changed: SNOBBY women!
No matter where I been, the plan was simple…SMILE! And say “hello.” In almost EVERY ENCOUNTER the result was…she either (1) she completely ignored me, turned her head in the opposite direction than me, (2) she makes a sigh or a grunt in response, (3) or she gives a look that could most likely mean “how dare I say “hello” to her!
Now I have been told I am negative, but how does me being negative EXCUSE these rude women of Massachusetts?!
Another example you ask?
I was at a news stand and I noticed a cute lady reading a woman’s magazine…I noticed the article she was reading was entitled: “how to attract today’s man” so I worked up my courage and said “hi there.” She looked and me with blank eyes and went back to her magazine!
How about this one, I had to one day put change in parking meter 3 cute ladies walked towards me. did I say a form of greeting?…you bet “hello” I said…one gal grunted. And all 3 kept walking. And I’ll bet you money they were out for drinks later and someone had to have complained, “I just can’t seem to find any nice men!” ahh if only she had said “hi!”
I think you get the picture of what I have had to deal with in the past several years in my search for female companionship! You cannot honestly say it’s all in my mind.
Now we have dating services out there ready to help…themselves all geared to help ONLY women…women get to call phone chat lines for free…while men have to pay anywhere from $1.99 and up a minute. We have bars that offer “ladies night”, we have dating clubs that women can join, no fees, and no obligations. While men have to come up with $2000+ in some cases!
Now for some reason…some women are still complaining there is no equality among the sexes! This much is true…men are getting railroaded, ripped off in the dating game big time!
Of course you may argue, “Not all women are like this…you’re stereotyping all women on the acts of a hand full” ok, I grant you that I only been single all my life and been looking for love forever 12 years.
You’re right…some women are not that rude. Some women know that playing hard to get is a big mistake because they would be alone forever if they were that rude…they may know deep down they have to offer what they can. I been told I should LOWER my standards and look into dating these women, and so I did!
Now mind you, as I lowered my standards, my goal became simple, find a woman I can ENJOY being with! Not too hard right?
Let me see if I can remember the women I met. Obese, bi-sexual looking to experiment, freaks with glow in the dark hair, body piercing and excessive tattoos, one gal wanted kids MORE than a relationship, women who are more concerned with popularity than taking care of their friends who need them, one woman confessed before we met…on the phone that she had herpes. Ok that’s enough. I want to be able to go to sleep tonight!
I just start laughing when women I don’t like start trying to give me guilt trip “maybe you should lower your standards” or ” you shouldn’t be so picky.” As if I had NO RIGHT to be happy!
Now, for the record, am I bitter, yes, am I angry, no…I am disgusted and disappointed. But I think you can see I have just reasons.
As with all problems, before the solution can be found, there must be AWARENESS of the problem. I pray someone out there has been listening, it would be a crime to the word if the problem got worse, there is no place anymore for women who play hard to get. When shy men are afraid to say “hello” or risk being accused of sexual harassment. Where women only talk to arrogant men and ignore the awkward guy in the corner. There are good men out there ladies, you just refuse to look and listen! ~Can’t Stop Ranting~
Dear CSR: Whew! The Bitter Single Guy and all his readers are appreciative of your candid view of the fairer sex. The BSG would be remiss if he didn’t offer some suggestions, however. He won’t presume to know more than your nearly 40 years of experience have taught you, but some things leapt out.
Good for you for taking the pursuit of love by the proverbial horns and approaching women in all those different situations! The BSG knows however, that women (and men for that matter) have, in many areas, become reluctant to talk to strangers on the street, regardless of how harmless they seem. The BSG points this out only to say that this is likely more of a self-protective technique than a snobbish one. (although there are definitely some snobbish folks out there, too…you know who you are).
The BSG also finds that the best way to attract a mate is to…well…become attractive. Sometimes this could involve getting exercise and dressing well, but more often than that, involves doing interesting stuff. Take a pottery class, or a cooking class. Learn to grow rare breeds of dill, or volunteer at a food bank. All of these things develop facets of your personality that make you more interesting and yes…more attractive.
But the BSG is sure that you’ve taken all these paths, CSR. You seem to have left no stone un-turned, so the BSG will simply hope that love finds you on one of your paths someday. Good luck. ~BSG~
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Says:
October 16th, 2008 at 10:56 pm
Reading your article was like reading a page of my own life. I’m 40 years old, and girls are seriously messed up in the USA. Girls will seem interested in me, and then when I ask them out…….they have a boyfriend. You know, I’m sure there are many girls who would love to go out with me, but how on earth do you find those girls? Who knows. Girls in other countries are much easier to get, but they are from a different culture and that presents so many other problems to deal with. I always thought I’d be able to find a girl, but I work at home on a computer, and I don’t go to clubs, or bars, so there really is no way for me to meet a girl. Anyway, listen I know exactly how you feel and you aren’t crazy. I’m at the point now where I don’t even want to ask any girls out anymore, I guess I just didn’t know it was suppose to be this hard. And take a look at girls, I mean, take a good look, they all have guys, girls are always going out with a guy, always, they have choice after choice, there are so many more guys then girls it’s not even funny, I don’t care what the stats show, they are wrong, there are 3 guys born to every one girl, it’s called genetics. Go down to Mexico, Brazil, and get a girl because you got money relative to her, girls like money. That’s reality, that’s the world, not the sugar coated make believe world of Hollywood, not the fake world everybody pretends exists, but the real cold reality world. Look at it this way, in another 30 years, if we’re lucky, our troubles won’t exist anymore……
Says:
November 14th, 2008 at 10:45 am
You’ve never had a true relationship, and only one love definitely doens’t help but your pain has motivated you to ask questions and seek answers. What else can you do? Look at it this way: you haven’t had much practise, it’s as simple as that. If you tried to pick up any other skill, the first couple times you might not be very good, but you learn quickly and then surprise yourself.
Looking for the love of your life is fine, I think that’s what a lot of women are searching for too, but maybe you need to focus less on that ‘one true love’ for now until you get more practise and experience. If you take an easier, more relaxed approach to life and love you may find more luck comes your way. It still requires work, but you need to convey to women that you’re not desperate, that you’re not negative and frustrated.
Women have thousands of years of history of being treated like property and sex toys that have built up that mindset of thinking most men are pigs. The thing is, men are pigs and are actually more like dogs. Horny, but loyal and sensitive. Women just have their guard up until you disarm them with humour, confidence, attention, listening, whatever. Once you get to the intimate stuff, don’t mistake her physical affection for love of your soul. Take it for what it is: a physical experience that feels great and you’re both sharing. Girls can be nervous in these cases, but I often find women are more comfortable with their bodies and in this realm. If you are in, you’re in, and you can actually even act a little nervous. Girls often like that as they think they are in control or they’re helping you with overcoming shyness. Just don’t play that up too much or they’ll see that you’re not confident. But once you start scoring more consistently, you’ll exude confidence which more women will like. Then you can narrow down what you want as far as her personality and the way she treats you.
If you’ve been told you are negative then you need to do some serious self-examination. I used to be more negative and women run from that, I know. Women are not any snottier in your state than they are in my provice, I promise you that!
You’re a complete stranger, you startled her. She was in her own zone, reading for her own purposes and maybe you assumed that she was having trouble attracting men so you thought you’d help her. You were wrong. I don’t know the reasons, but we both know you were wrong. Women seem to me very much in the moment whereas guys often have their head off in some future plans, or worrying about their past failures with girls. If you can tap into that, you’ll start to see what they like. They like it when men can be genuinely in the moment. In many scenarios, there’s not much to latch on to for you but in others, it’s easy. For example, the cold-call of saying hello at the parking metre when the women will just think “Huh? Loser!”, going about your daily life, fulfilling your goals, etc and keeping an eye out for opportunities and flirting is the way to go. Flirting is an art but I don’t think it’s that hard. You just need to read up on how women flirt, and observe it for a while. Then read up on how men flirt and observe that for a while. You’ll see pretty average intelligence people (dumb guys) picking up (often seemingly bright) girls with astounding regularity when you’re still shaking your head. It’s not because these guys are smart, classy, genuine, it’s just that they read the signals and act on them. The difference is you’re probably a ‘nice guy’ who doesn’t want to exploit women’s weakness by playing this game. That’s how I used to feel until I realised how the game is so stacked against men. Women want sex as much or more than you do. In fact, one player I know (and trust me, I’ve SEEN him in action) said ‘put your pinky finger in your ear and turn it. the ear feels better and is more sensitive than the finger’. Bad analogy in science maybe, but it’s true. Women are more sensitive ‘down there’ than you are and their orgasms are more intense than males, just a fact.
Women’s subsidised bar-life and dating is a disgrace, I agree but we have only ourselves to blame. Guys getting all hot over girls in a bar will pay to go in the hopes of a slim chance of just dancing with one. That is pretty pathetic. Guys who are confident never need to do that. Smart guys meet girls at church, school/university, activities where there are other opinions around to tell the girl “Yeah, this guy is worth talking to” or “Dude, avoid her, she’s a whore!”, and at work. Anywhere that women can get a sense of what they think you’re like will work, as long as they like it
Don’t lower your standards, just re-assess. It sounds like you’re looking for a woman who’s genuine, responsible, caring which are all worthy goals. The problem is, that is a human problem, not a woman problem. Out of all men, there are jerks, abusers, lovers, etc, same with women. I’ve never found a guy friend with all the qualities I prefer in a guy, and I’m A MAN! How could I expect to find the perfect woman? Maybe it’s cynical but I just don’t think perfect matches are out there. I think you need to focus on defining yourself, your goals, values, and finding peace, love and confidence within yourself. Then, you will be ready to take on a woman who is in line with your goals, even if you she’s not perfect you’ll be working to keep each other happy. You will feel confident because you know that she looks up to you, wants to please you and will still work for it if you get my drift. The problem a lot of people make is once in a relationship, we let it all hang out and then we see, hmm, maybe this isn’t the person I really wanted. It can seem like a monumental task, and it is. Why do you think there are so many miserable men AND women, single AND married in this world? Women DO NOT have it all figured out AT ALL. What they do seem to have mastered is making men think they have it all figured out and that men need to kiss their asses. I do not mean you speak down to your girl or be rude, just always that quiet confidence within yourself is what they are drawn to like moths to the flame. That can take different forms too. I mean, some girls like manly men, others like poets. The key is, the girl that likes the poet still wants to see in him something she feels she’s lacking in herself. Or at the very least, a connection she feels she shares with him. Some women seem to really want a sensitive (read: weak) guy so they can have the upper hand or have more control. It is interesting to me when I hear that say, Asian women know ‘how to treat a man’ and ours (British/Western European descended) do not. I’ve not explored that but guess it has to do with knowing their place and wanting more to please the man, a more reciprocal approach which I think western men actually want.
The other thing I think is a factor is as a so called ‘negative’ guy, you may be too honest. I’ve had that problem for years, not knowing what’s appropriate to say to a lady and what is never appropriate. It’s a very fine line and only observation and study and practise will help you find that line and know how to not cross it. Women HATE men who say things that may be totally fine to say between women, or between men, but not from man to woman. They think they are supposed to be sheltered from men’s thoughts or something. I’m not 100% on that yet, but I can say just basic etiquette and manners go a long way. They also notice very much if you are the same way with everyone. Don’t be rude to the waiter or someone in less power than you, for example.
Women will not accuse you of sexual harrassment if you treat them for what they are: other human beings. Talk to them like a human being, respectfully. Learn the signs, read the signs, take it relaxed and casual and make a move within that framework. I know you are looking for ‘the one’ but so are women. They are also interested in casual sex, flings, less serious short term dating, whatever. You need to walk before you can run and this is the same thing. Don’t try to find ‘the one’ until you’ve played the field a bit more, become comfortable with women and really define what you enjoy and need. Listen to them. Most guys are poor listeners and women really notice when a guy is a strong communicator. From your post, I can tell you’re fairly verbose as well so you should consider that a strength and learn how to wield it properly. A lot of women are frustrated by most men’s ‘first tier’ communication the classic, stoic ‘yes, no, maybe’ answers. I believe that women are right when they tell some guys to ‘grow up’. It’s just that what that means to them vs. what it means to us may be different things. Good luck brother, never give up!
Says:
March 25th, 2009 at 8:17 am
Well i know that this dont solve your problems, but i will say this. Im from Providence, and I moved to Louisiana about 5 years ago. The most amazing thing happened to me. PEOPLE WERE NICE!! and after living in New England all my life i learned to be a SNOB! But when i started to see how strangers on the street here say “good morning baby” and people in line at grocery say “can you believe the price of the damn milk?” it just so warm and inviting — humbeling i guess..??
Needless to say there are snobs everywhere. If you go to hot spot night clubs in New Orleans, yes you will find bitches. But Small hole in the wall bars are jam packed with nice sweet, and friendly single women.
I somehow managed to lose the snob attitude i grew up with, and i live a happier life in general because of it.
who knows maybe the cold weather makes for cold people?? Just something to think about…