Avoiding A Rebound Relationship
Thanks Kelly for reminding the BSG that he has become lax in answering letters! It’s been a busy 2010 so far, dear readers…but the BSG will be here more in the coming days, he swears. ~BSG~
Dear Bitter Single Guy: Six months ago, I broke up with my boyfriend of three years and it ended okay (it was mutual). I don’t feel bitter or angry. I’ve come to terms with it and have dated a bit since then. About a month ago, I met someone special from an online dating website and I like him very much. My question is: how long should one wait before getting into a new relationship, or rather, how can one avoid a rebound relationship? I should add that I do not have a history of so-called “serial monogamy” and I’m very comfortable with being single. I noticed that you don’t have too much on your column regarding rebound relationships so I thought I should ask. ~Don’t Want to Bounce~
Dear DWB: Although the Bitter Single Guy has written many times about rebounds, it’s been many mango seasons, so it’s likely not in the archives anymore. The BSG believes that rebounding is inevitable, particularly in a bad breakup or even an emotional breakup.
Since you say that your breakup was amicable and that you’ve had a few dates since then, the BSG thinks you’re probably safe from a really ugly rebound situation. For those who are unfamiliar with the dynamics of a rebound relationship, it’s not uncommon, if one believes themselves to have been treated shabbily in their previous relationship, to decide to punish the new relationship as a result. This is the annoyance of a rebound…in a new relationship, we’re all dealing with the detritus from our new date’s last relationship…at least a little.
DWB, the BSG would give you the complete green light if not for two things:
It’s only been six months, which is really not very long considering you’re purging yourself from a 3 year relationship.
You bring up the possibility of a rebound. This is both good and bad. Bad because if you’re thinking about it, you’re probably feeling it somewhat. But the BSG thinks this is good because you’re paying attention.
The BSG recommends starting something up with online guy (please tell the BSG that you’ve met him in person by now…if not, you’re not dealing with a real person yet…just your reaction to an online persona), but taking it slowly. If no dragons rear their heads in the next month or so, the BSG would say that you’re as much in the clear as you’ll ever be.
~BSG~
Loading ...
Says:
January 29th, 2010 at 12:25 am
Yes, of course, we met in person about five weeks ago.
The reason I was thinking that a rebound could happen is that I’ve never had feelings for someone so soon after a relationship ended, it just seems like bad timing; I like this guy and I don’t want anyone to get hurt.
Thanks BSG!!
Says:
January 29th, 2010 at 6:30 pm
Yay! I’m glad you’re alive! It’s hard being bitter without a role model.
Says:
February 14th, 2010 at 2:31 pm
There’s much more involved in the “rebound” concept than the possibility of “punishing” the new partner for the old partner’s crimes. The more serious concer is choosing a new partner for the wrong reasons: loneliness, because your ego is suffering, because he reminds you of your old boyfriend (or because he’s NOTHING like your old boyfriend and that’s really your primary criteria right now). Not to say that any of those things necessarily apply to the OP, but there’s much more in play than just bitterness.
Says:
March 5th, 2010 at 4:30 pm
This is simple and easy to read. It was layed out in such a way that even a 6 year old can understand what is going on. Is it ok if I email this to some of my friends?
I’ll be waiting for your reply.
Says:
March 9th, 2010 at 12:10 am
I’m not sure who you’re asking but I don’t think anyone would deny that it’s okay for you to email this to your friends, Daniel.
Says:
March 27th, 2010 at 11:13 am
Hey everyone, greetings from Sweden. This is a helpful site. Does anyone have any advice about staying out of the friend zone with women? Honestly I’m sick of girls telling me they just want to be friends. Maybe I’m being too much of a nice guy?
Says:
April 13th, 2010 at 8:30 am
Howdy HTBAM: Welcome to friends from Sweden! The BSG loves his global reach.
Regarding your question about staying out of the friend zone; the BSG wonders if there is a woman (or women?) who wonder the same thing about you? The BSG has noticed that the pattern of us chasing people who are chasing other people usually also means that someone is chasing us that we’re not even aware of.
Short answer: staying out of the friend zone usually requires casting a broader net.
~BSG~