Bisexual and Transgendered: Dating Options
Dear Bitter Single Guy: I actually just ran into your site and I’m hoping for a reply. This could get lengthy, but I’ll make it short as possible.
I’m 20, a college student, bisexual, and oddly enough, transsexual. I’m pre-op, pre-hormones, but I’m a FTM (female to male). However, the trouble is that I hardly pass as a guy, and when I say I’m bisexual, I actually mean that I’m almost gay. I’m open to dating women, and I’ve been attracted before, but I’m more often than not… head-over-heels for some guy.
I’ve only been on one date (the guy was almost three times my age and was too sexual/creepy to begin with) and my longest lasting relationship was two months.
The problem is that, because of my transsexuality, I’m sort of a fetish object and it really annoys me (I want to be liked for who I am, not what I am). I want to be in an openly gay relationship as a man, and I’ve tried nearly everything to find someone. However, I seem always to fall for straight and/or taken guys.
There are people who are interested in me, but they’re either too scared to say anything or I’m not interested in them. One guy, though, is pretty decent, and even though I’m not very interested in him.
Honestly, I don’t know where to start or what to ask, but… What exactly should I do? When’s the best time to tell someone about my gender situation (before or during)? ~Not Sure of The Rules~
Dear NSTR: The Bitter Single Guy is blessed by having some friends who are trans, so he finds that he’s actually had a chance to think about situations just like yours. That doesn’t really mean he has an easy answer (answers are rarely easy, NSTR). But here are some ideas.
Much of what you’re describing is true of any relationship regardless of gender and sexuality. Sometimes you’ll be attracted to people who are not attracted to you, and sometimes people will be attracted to you who you’re not attracted to. Honestly, the BSG doesn’t know how anyone manages to connect sometimes.
One solution to your concern is one the BSG hopes has already occurred to you: spend time in a community of like-minded folks. This is true if you’re a devout Catholic, deeply into Jack Russell Terriers, or if you’re transgendered. If you’re not already in contact with a group of other transgendered folks who are faced with similar dating conundrums, find them. Granted, the BSG lives in a good-ish sized city, but he’s surprised sometimes that there seems to be a community for everyone. Find yours NSTR.
As far as fetishism goes, the BSG finds that the line between festish and attraction is somewhat vague. If you only date people with brown hair, that’s an attraction, but if you want to spend hours brushing your partner’s hair then it becomes a fetish. The BSG points this out because you should definitely avoid folks (like the creepy one you mention) who fetishize anything about you (gender, weight, hair color, whatever), but know that there are folks who will find themselves exclusively attacted to people like you (in your case: FTM Trans) and you don’t want to write them off as potential dates. They’ll be much easier to date than educating someone new every time.
As far as when to tell a potential date about your gender status, the BSG wants you to think about what you’re asking that potential date. If you don’t broach the subject until an intimate moment (the BSG is blushing), then you give your date mere seconds to figure out how he feels about your revelation. This is a lot to ask during what is likely already a highly pressured situation. For that reason, the BSG recommends having the conversation sooner rather than later, even though this could mean fewer second dates.
Even as he provides this advice NSTR, the BSG wants to reiterate his point about finding a community. The BSG can pronounce platitudes about the details of dating in the trans community, but the truth is you’ll be best supported by folks whose experience is more like yours. But he’s still pretty pleased that you felt good about coming to the Bitter Single Guy…where all are welcome.
~BSG~
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Says:
March 27th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
NSTR,
I’d like to point out a really obvious and possibly overlooked detail here.
20 years old is really really young.
You are probably deeply confused about your identity, and I am NOT saying that because you are bisexual and transgendered. I’m saying because you are 20.
Find me a 20 year old who isn’t confused, and I’ll show you a 20 year old who would give most 30 year olds the creeps. Seriously.
You say you’re TG, but you’re pre-op AND pre-hormone, which really means that you would like to be TG, and may or may not behave like one.
You say you’re bi, but you’re really only interested in men.
What that sounds like to me, is that you really have absolutely no idea who or what you are. (Don’t feel bad, nobody does at 20)
Why not just ease back from the whole dating thing for a year or two, figure out who and what you are, as well as who and what you really want, and then go for it.
Nobody who is worth being with, would ever be turned off because you stepped away from dating for a while, while still very young, so you could really find your identity.
In fact, I’d go so far as to say that anybody worth your time would find that a HUGE plus, whether it’s a man or a woman, and regardless of what you are at that point.
Says:
March 30th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Steve, WHAT AN EYE! I didn’t notice that.
I don’t have much to say as steve appears to have said it all. (I know, BSG, shocker, huh haha).
Please consider help (therapy, groups, etc) before going through with a life altering and permanent switch. I fear your inner trouble may have more to do with confusion than a defined sexual declaration. I don’t say this because I have views against transgendered people. Quite the opposite. I am very for the idea of someone living out their life as they see fit and doing what makes them content.
However I do know transgendered people and it was a decision that took them YEARS to come to. This isn’t an easy topic. Or decision. One aquaintance has been on hormones for a long time (and is engaged to his girlfriend of many years…) but still hasn’t gone foward with everything as it is a permanent change, not to mention ridiculously expensive. I also believe a doctor won’t go through with the surgeries or hormones until a person has spoken to a gender specialist but I could be very wrong there.
Good luck. And don’t worry. I’m 25 and question myself daily. Why? Because I am very very young. And my dear, you are that much younger. Confusion is normal.
Says:
April 3rd, 2009 at 9:56 am
Thanks, BSG. I’ll take your advice seriously.
@Steve & BCG: I get what you’re saying, but unlike people my age, I never fought against who I am, trying to fit in. Though I’m a fairly normal person, I never felt right as a woman, and while others tried to find dates, I tried to figure out who I was. Unfortunately, your comment about being a creepy 20-year-old is right (…).
About my bisexuality, though, I see sexuality as a sort of continuum, and I’m between gay and bisexual, so I simply find it easier to say “bisexual.” I am attracted to women, but not nearly as much as I am with men. It’s actually about personality, but I won’t delve into that (too much to explain). With or without hormones might influence how others see me, but I grew up trying to force myself to be a girl, questioned whether I was lesbian (I was 12-13), then realized about my bisexuality (13-14), then realized that I was trans (14, came out when I was 15, bought a compression vest, and really started to change my appearance when I was 16).
The lack of Hormone Replacement Therapy is because I’m an average college student, so I can’t really afford to pop out ~$200 a month on things that aren’t essential to making it to the next day. In all honesty, from looking like a girl to looking like a guy, I’m at the stage of already looking like a younger guy. Like I said, no hormones, but I do wear a compession vest, as well as a stand-to-pee device called a “pack and pee” (basically, a detachable penis). It took a bit of saving up (three compression vests ~$150 and STP device ~$60).
I’m well aware of the money associated, which is why I haven’t actually gone full-steam ahead into HRT. Once you start, it’s not really a good idea to stop unless you decide against surgery and the like. I’m readily aware that the top surgery is around $10,000, not including other associated fees, and I’ve also estimated everything including hospital stays (roughly), lawyer fees, and name changes.
I spent a lot of time questioning myself and whether or not I was trans, and trust me, it wasn’t something I jumped into. I’m in no rush to actually get the change done, even with a timeline, because the important thing is that I know who I am and that I’m alive.
Hope that all makes sense.
Says:
April 3rd, 2009 at 1:12 pm
Steve, BCG, and NSTR,
The BSG has to say that the conversation here is exactly why he’s loved this gig for nearly a decade. NSTR, thanks for sharing some of your world. Steve and BCG, thanks for thoughtful and caring replies. *sniffle*
~BSG~
Says:
July 13th, 2009 at 3:38 am
Saa. This reminds me of my own story(I’m twenty-one, by the way).
Not sure if I’m transgender, but I’ve always identified better with the male gender(since elementary school, personally, emotionally, socially, mentally and physically–I hated when my body began to change during puberty), and have had a lot of girlfriends since I started dating(six or seven since about 2006).
Realized at fifteen that I was “quite possibly bisexual” (softened the phrasing for the sake of my mother, who I came out to, first)… although I find it amusing that if I am transgender that would make me a “lesbian” now and “straight” if I ever switch-over. Lol! But, gender doesn’t matter so much to me, in a relationship. Who the person is is what matters. It just so happens a lot of the people I’ve dated are women. I look at that as a coincidence, really. There might be some deeper issues, but I dunno.
I’m not your average twenty-one-year-old, either. –I also hate it when people pull the ‘age’ card. I remember being six and people saying ‘oh, you’re young’ and brushing off anything serious I had to say. It’s even more annoying when you’re a legal adult and people still brush off what you say as ‘oh, you’re still so young, you don’t know any better’. Well. That may be true, but I’m not forcing you to live my life, so if you could just answer my questions seriously, as an equal, instead of as an ‘inferior’ because of age, I’d appreciate it(Sorry for the rant, but I felt the need to say it. No hard feelings, previous posters? I’m really not that angry. Just slightly miffed. Peace all around.)
Anyway. Ranting. I’ve never, ever been comfortable wearing a regular bra. As irony would have it, I’m a D-cup in the right breast and a DDD-cup in the left breast. Argh. Annoying as hell. I’d do just about anything to be rid of them, because they throw off my balance and I can’t run anymore(was a really good sprinter–showed up the boys!–when I was nine and ten), so I’ve been looking into a compression vest, of sorts.
Any thoughts on what brands/types are good(and thus, we come to the reason for my posting on here! Heh. Sorry. I’d appreciate any sort of response, though.), breathable and comfortable for everday wear?
Says:
August 10th, 2009 at 1:08 am
NSTR, I am also an FtM who thought he was bisexual for a good long while. Though I am 24 now, and have since discovered that I’m actually gay.
I would say that the best time to tell someone is in the beginning, before things get too deep. It may not be the best turn-on, but if there is going to be drama, it might as well be put out of the way first. There is definitely something to be said for people getting to know you as you first, and then letting them know about this detail. But, as the coming out process shows, that can be even more painful.
I would also suggest not listening to people who tell you that you shouldn’t consider such life altering things at your age. At your age you are legally an adult, and though it is true that 20 somethings need more time to settle into life and figure themselves out, since you already know who you are (At least in the gender department.), there isn’t any uncertainty with that that you need to hammer out. I’m always very surprised that anytime someone asks a questions which does not have to do with transitions or anything like that, that transitioning is always brought up and people try to remind the trans person of what horrible things can happen if they choose surgery and whatnot. Trans people can read and search the internet too, and usually know more about the process.
And for Kita – Big Brothers Binders receives used and new binders from other trans people and sells them cheaply. If you don’t want one from their site (http://www.thetransitionalmale.com/Binders.html) It is always better to use something like a binder or a frog bra than to use something like ace bandage. You are less likely to cause damage, and curve bones inward that way.
Says:
March 20th, 2010 at 5:55 am
Hell You got my attention with this fantastic tranny post , you should really write some more.
Says:
March 22nd, 2010 at 12:01 pm
Thanks Tranny Dude. The BSG writes when folks write TO him… email the BSG with your question!