Boyfriend is a Hidden Bisexual
Dear Bitter Single Guy: My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years. For the past year I’ve been having dreams of him being with a man. I’ve told him about the dreams and he would laugh and say “no I’m not gay”. Last month I did what most paranoid girlfriends do and snooped on his computer. I found an email account I didn’t know he had and logged in. I found emails from gay men, some of them very explicit. He even told one guy where he lived (his address).
Of course I was shocked so I confronted him about it and he told me he was just confused and that he knew he was straight now. Every time I bring it up he gets very angry. I need answers and I don’t feel like he’s telling the truth. Would it be wrong of me to put software on his computer that will show me what he’s been doing? I love him but this paranoia is running me crazy! ~Don’t Wanna Share~
Dear DWS: The Bitter Single Guy admits that when he read that you had been having dreams about your boyfriend being with a man, he was ready to poo-poo your paranoia, but it certainly appears to have gone beyond dreaming.
First though, the BSG has to answer your question: Yes. Emphatically yes, it would be wrong of you to put software on his computer that will show you what he’s been up to. Really DWS? You want to be that person? Are you running a prison? Besides, what do you think you’ll learn that you don’t already know?
Here’s the deal, DWS. You suspect your boyfriend is bisexual? The BSG believes you’re correct. What your Baffled Beau is defining as “confusion” is actually bisexuality. The BSG has to say though…this isn’t necessarily a bad thing for him in the larger scheme of things! It means that as his life unfolds, he gets to have rewarding relationships with women AND men! It’s sad for those of us limited to just the one gender <sigh>.
However DWS, it’s not OK for him to explore this side of himself while he’s in a committed relationship with you. So the issue here is not whether or not he’s attracted to men, but whether he’s going to compromise his committed relationship in order to explore this other side.
The BSG believes that this should be your stance: “I don’t care who you’re attracted to; if you pursue other people for romance or sex you’re cheating on our relationship and that’s not OK”. Sadly DWS, the BSG also believes this is likely to be the end of your relationship. The BSG has watched the Coming-Out-Of-The-Closet process before and the beginnings of it often look like you describe. Doubtless your Baffled Beau wishes he were completely straight, but that ship seems to have sailed.
The BSG recommends being as compassionate for Baffled Beau as you can be as he navigates these new waters, but also recommends that you set a firm boundary about what your commitment means. ~BSG~
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Says:
January 25th, 2009 at 11:23 am
I totally agree that you should not put software on his computer – being an occasional email snoop is one thing, actively downloading malicious software on to his computer to improve your ability to email snoop is a bit stalker-esque.
Keep in mind that it is very common for gay and bisexual men to have open relationships – their partners are ok with strictly sexual relationships on the side, as long as the primary romantic relationship is with that partner. As us straight women know, guys – both gay and straight – seem to have an enormous capacity for being able to completely separate sex and emotion. I could be wrong but it sounds like your guy is, at least right now, looking solely for sex (that’s something you’ll probably want to ask him – because if that’s not the case then you have little reason NOT to dump his lying ass). If he were in a gay relationship, often the gay partner would be ok with that. A few straight women dating bisexual men are ok with it for the same reason. Some find it makes their sex lives even better, because it opens up the kinkier side of things like threesomes, etc.
With that said, ultimately the main point is that he shouldn’t be lying to you – or himself for that matter (deluding himself into thinking he’s totally straight). Cheating is cheating whether it’s a guy or girl. Your guy has little right to be angry with you – what if the tables were turned on him? Another REALLY important question to find an answer to is if he’s been using protection with these guys. If you can’t even trust him enough to do that, let alone not cheat on you, then he truly only cares about himself, and this whole I’m-confused-as-I’m-coming-out is BS.
Says:
February 2nd, 2009 at 8:09 pm
i am 32 year man. i am having a relationship with a man who has a family. He is gay and does not want to tell his wife. i tell owot he must tell her. but he will not. he makes her think he is having an affair with woman.
Says:
February 11th, 2009 at 8:33 am
Funny that his way to “hide” is to convince his wife that his affair is with a woman. How twisted is that?
Says:
February 12th, 2009 at 3:11 am
It is said that everyone is bi to some extent. Not sure about this. But I also heard about the same from some professional sites. Maybe it depends on how to define it.
If you appreciate the beauty in both men and women, and find yourself attracted to the person regardless of their gender,then you are bi. Many hot and sexy bi singles & couples on ** BiLoves dotcom ** are looking to explore their bisexuality,coming out or enjoying their lives as bi here.
If you don’t know whether You Are Gay, Lesbian Or Bisexual,you may check http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yDjtVS9iaDA. The psychotherapist Dominic Davies will tell you the answer.
Says:
February 14th, 2009 at 9:43 pm
I don’t agree with the first poster. No one knows what’s really “common”, but an open relationship where both partners have outside sex shouldn’t be encouraged. It may work for you, but all gay men aren’t cheaters and sex addicts. Either you want a monogamous relationship or you don’t. Separating love and sex can lead to emotional distress and heartache that is not needed.
Says:
February 15th, 2009 at 10:36 pm
Wow, some strange ideas floated here. A guy can be bisexual or many other things, but as long as a woman is willing to have an open relationship with a bi guy, it can work. But yeah, this guy needs some work, and should be honest first off. Living an open bisexual life is the best advice for this guy going forward. I don’t think he’s automatically coming out to be gay, sounds like he’s got a good relationship with his girl. But, its rare that a girl will be cool with open relationships, guy could decide to stay with his girl and forego the guys too but I see him needing the emotional side of male/male relations.
Says:
February 16th, 2009 at 10:55 am
Everyone is not bi-sexual that is ridiculous. I am only attracted to men, not to say I can’t tell when an attractive girl walks into a room.. but i have no sexual inclinations towards woman. I will say though, as far as bisexuallity is concerned, that more females tend to experiment with it or ultimately choose to live that kind of lifestyle. Also open relationships really aren’t healthy situations in the long run for most people (both emotionally and physically). The person who wrote to BSG wrote under ther name “Don’t Wanna Share” so clearly the idea of an open relationship does not appeal to them. To agree to an open relationship just to hang onto someone who isn’t thinking about how their actions are affecting you is neglectful to your well being. She needs to look at the facts and see that this relationship isn’t for her, and though it may hurt it is time to move on. Maybe if he figures himself out and can be honest with her , he will come back and be ready for a real relationship.
Says:
March 18th, 2009 at 8:58 am
Haha ^^ nice, is there a section to follow the RSS feed
Says:
March 20th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
right on lady telly – I have to agree with you
a) just because I can tell a woman is sexually attractive or can appreciate a womans beauty and sexuality in no way means I would actually want any physical form of relationship with that person. I am aware of sexuality but in no way inclined to act on it. Not because I thikn it is wrong, not because I am afraid of my own sexuality, I just KNOW that mentally, physically, sexually, I want to be with men.
b) It is rare for a open relationship to be healthy. While I HAVE heard of them working, its hard enough living iwth more than one person – let alone involving youself into an emotional and physical relationship with more than one.
c) I feel it is unfair to catagorize gay men and women as more multipartnered. Most gay men and women that I know or am friends with will have their own shares of sexual encounters, but when it comes to committed relationships, they prefer monogomy (sp) when they are with the right partner… sounds eerily similar to heterosexual experiences does it not? Everyone has their own MO on dating and the way a relationship works – from heterosexual to homosexual.
d) It is great that the OP is strong enough to see the red flag. DWS – whether or not he has decided he is gay or straight or bi, he is not being open with you regarding a very important subject. You feel confused, insecure, whichever, and he refuses to open up to you. THAT in itself is a bad sign. Nothing to do with sexuality – but more to do with communication and trust. He breached your trust, whether it was with a man or women, and now seems to not want to put in the work that it will take to move forward together (and that means discussing his own confusion). YES, he may be confused and embarrassed about being caught but the bottom line – your “one and only” (shoud it exist) will learn to communicate with you, through the good and the bad. take THAT as your red flag to move on… as disorienting as finding your sig other cheating on you with either sex, it is the trust and disrespect that is the real issue at hand in this commenter opinion.