The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Boyfriend Loves Porn More Than Me

Dear Bitter Single Guy: My boyfriend and I have been together nearly five years now.  We had a normal, active sex life for a few years.  The last year or so, our sex life (we’re in our late 20s) has dwindled to maybe twice a month.  I work part time during the day because I have a young son, and he looks at porn before I get home, or hurries to do it when I leave to go to the store or something.  We got in an argument once about it, and he admitted to me that he’s not attracted to me anymore because I’ve gained weight.  I HAVE gained weight, and I respect his comment that he’s maybe not as attracted to me as he once was.  I’m working on changing that issue, yet he seems so unwilling to compromise on his issue.  I’ve told him I don’t like how often he looks at porn, but it always leads to a fight, which is then “forgotten” or he is mad that I’m still upset.  We never get to the issue.  I don’t have a problem with porn in and of itself.  Even I look sometimes.  My issue lies with how I feel when he hurries to do it when I’m at work or when I leave, yet we never have sex.  I feel frustrated and hideously unattractive.  I’m not sure if it’s the lack of attraction to me, or if that’s simply an excuse.  He works nights, and even wakes up after just a few hours to look at it while I’m gone (well, maybe not TO look at it, but it happens).  He then is tired and sleeps all evening before work.  I’m mentally exhausted and just don’t know what to do.  He’s constantly telling me he loves me, and about how we’ll get married and get a house like we’ve always wanted.  I feel like I’m not justified in being upset, yet I AM upset. ~Competing With Porn~

Dear CWP: The Bitter Single Guy applauds all the work you’ve obviously done to become so accepting of things you can’t control! Respecting Porn Boy’s comments about your weight gain is very evolved, but the BSG thinks that the real issue here is that you can’t intellectualize away your feeling of upset. Well, duh.

CWP you have every right to be upset and the BSG recommends fully embracing your upset in order to figure out what to DO about it. Yes CWP, action is required here. The BSG wants to put the porn issue aside, because he doesn’t think that’s the problem. The problem is that Porn Boy, with whom you’re apparently planning a marriage and life together, isn’t attracted to you and you find that you’re not quite done with sex.

The BSG thinks the idea of spending the next 60 years or so without sex is definitely cause for upset. Here are some options:

·         Lose weight. The BSG knows it may be perceived as insensitive by some of his readers, but he is committed to being truthful. IF your Porn Boy found you attractive when you weighed less and IF you want him to be attracted to you again, getting back to the weight you were when he WAS attracted to you is a logical step.

·         Open your relationship and find a man who likes heavier women. Girlfriend, whether you’ve put on a pound or a kilo, there are men (and women for that matter) who will think you’re the sexiest thing walking. The BSG isn’t a fan of open relationships because he thinks they lead to heartbreak more often than not, but if the goal is an active sex life and a lasting relationship with your Porn Boy, this IS an option.

·         Dump Porn Boy and find a relationship with a man who finds you sexy in all your incarnations.

CWP, note that in all these choices YOU are the one who has to take action. You can’t expect Porn Boy to do anything differently because he’s probably getting what he wants. He’s got tons of internet hotties all times of the day and night and once or twice a month he’s got you. You’re the one who’s unsatisfied (in several ways), so you’re the one who has to act. ~BSG~