The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Another Ice Cream Saturday Night

Saturday night and the ice cream is flowing…

Dear Bitter Single Guy: It’s a Saturday night and pitifully I have stumbled onto your website after vowing to stay in my pj’s and to end all attempts at contact with the opposite sex forevermore.  Wish I had a good recent story of a breakup or crazy codependent shenanigans to share, but instead I write partially out of a sense of boredom and apathy, and partially… no wait… it’s almost totally out of boredom. Sorry. But wait… I just read your little bio that you have a Masters in Psychology, which has upped my interest and made me want to at least try to formulate something worthy of a Masters level psychological type response.

O.k., here is my attempt… I have never been a dater, and have only ever been in one serious long term relationship in my 33 years on this planet.  I have liked guys who didn’t like me, and I have been liked by guys who I thought were moderately psychotic or at least semi-geeky and not my type. Now I have joined an online dating site, simply because I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my existence, but I am finding that this experience is growing old very fast.  I find it exhausting trying to be some perky, chipper wifey type material- and I have interestingly found that a good chunk of the guys that I am supposed to be compatible with stop writing when they hear about my education (yup – Masters as well). And then I get exhausted trying to weed through the profiles of 40 something year olds who still live with their mothers which are frequently sent my way.

So here are my questions… do I give up and live in my pj’s for the rest of my life?  Do I pretend to be an un-intelligent simple girl just so I don’t scare guys off?  Do I just try to come to grips with the fact that if I don’t want to be alone I need to hook up with a mildly psychotic mama’s boy?

I’m going to go find some ice cream.  This is depressing. ~Investing in Ben & Jerry’s~

Dear IBJ: Wow, the Bitter Single Guy is impressed! Take note, teens and twenty-somethings: there is a level of bitterness accessible in your thirties and beyond that you can only imagine now.

Several things IBJ:

• You have to play the game, at least a little, if you expect to win. If you’re not a dater, then it’s going to take longer for you to find a useful relationship than it would for someone who’s in the game.
• The BSG will delicately say that your interpretation of guys bolting when they hear about your education is much more likely to be your baggage than theirs. But if it’s not, then the BSG suggests meeting more guys whose experiences (including education) are more like yours.
• Online dating is not what people want it to be. Don’t sign up for one of these services and then sit back and wait for the offers to roll in. Online dating is a process of you responding to profiles in order to have way more conversations than you want in order to find one that fits.
• Finally, why don’t you find other things to do on a Saturday night? Hang with friends, join a social group, take up music lessons or some such thing. There are all sorts of ways to spend rewarding time (the BSG means NO disrespect to ice cream here) than just going on dates.

Patience, IBJ. Believe it or not, there are some folks for whom relationships come infrequently. Your time will come; do what you can now to be ready when it comes.

~BSG~

First chance at love

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have incredible standards. I am never attracted to anyone who isn’t a perfect 10. I’m a junior in high school, and I have never had a girlfriend. It’s not that I have no confidence or I’m butt ugly or anything. Normally the girls I like are out of my league. My best friend introduced me to a girl just recently, about a month ago. She wasn’t a super model, but there was an instant attraction to her. She doesn’t treat me like the other girls.

Now, all of my friends know that I am interested in her. I think she may be interested in me. We have a lot of physical contact in school and she makes me walk her to class. It’s hard, though. My best friend, we will call him Fred, is best friends with her. He constantly offers his help, which I don’t always want.  Another thing is, he’s always around when I am with her. Since they are best friends, he’s too much of a distracter and he steals time I want with her. I can’t invite her to just hang out with me one on one, that’s too forward. When we all hangout, the same thing happens. It’s also like, we are really good friends in school. Outside of school, we don’t talk much outside of facebook (yes I know). We have talked on the phone once, she called me. Apparently Fred and her talk on the phone constantly. She isn’t interested in Fred, though. Fred is more of the “best friend” guy, not the boyfriend.

What do you suggest I do? Should I grow some balls and call her? That’s random, what would we talk about? How do I get my relationship deeper with her, while Fred is there? How can I take the spotlight off him? ~Ready for First Base~

Dear RFB: The Bitter Single Guy thinks you know the answer to this already: grow some balls and call her. Clearly, she’s already demonstrated sufficient testicular fortitude to call you, right? If she’s not interested in Fred, but he’s constantly mucking up your time with her, then the BSG thinks it’s likely that Fred is interested in her and is using his powers of annoyance to ruin your chances. Sounds like he’s succeeding, eh RFB?

Call her on the phone and talk to her. Invite her out for an eggnog latte…it’s the season for those, right? Yes, it’s forward and yes it may seem random, but it will send the message that you want to send which is “I’m interested in you.” Annnddd……GO!

By the way RFB, “only interested in those who are a perfect 10″? The BSG promises that approach to love is going to bite you in the ass sometime, so he recommends getting ready.

~BSG~

Almost Had a Date!

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’m an Indian who studies in USA. Since moving, I have not dated anyone because nobody I liked asked me out and I was busy adjusting to the new environment. Early this year, I went out partying and this white guy asked me to dance. We danced. He invited me out for a late night snack and wanted to take me to his place for a game of beer pong. This scared me since I’m from a different culture so I refused to split from my group to go to his place. I also do not drink. He seemed disappointed but that was the end of it. I gave him my number but he never called. Recently, I saw him on MySpace and added him as a friend but he does not communicate with me even if I’m a web-page away. I have begun to like this guy. What do I do? I would prefer if he made the first move. He is not conservative but I am willing to date a different type of guy. ~Ready To Date~

Dear RTD: The Bitter Single Guy thinks this guy was interested in a one-night thing and nothing else. Let him go before you start to look desperate. You’ll send the message that if you’re good enough for a quickie, you’re good enough for a date. Relax, it’ll happen.

~BSG~

Grabbing Him by The Reins

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have recently developed a crush on this guy. We both attend the same college. He’s very sweet, and we seem to have good conversations whenever we get to speak to one another. The only problem is that I’m having a hard time trying to figure out if he likes me or is just being nice. Sometimes it feels as if he really enjoys talking to me and is interested in me but then again, he hasn’t made a move and doesn’t seem to plan on doing so in the near future. I’ve heard that a guy just isn’t interested if he hasn’t made the first move no matter how shy he may be. What do you think? ~Ready for the Next Move~

Dear RFNM: Firstly the Bitter Single Guy wants to say that there is no rule that applies to all guys (not girls though…they’re really straightforward and easy to figure out). That said, it’s usually a good rule of thumb to believe that if a guy (or girl) likes you then he’ll actually make some move in that direction. Otherwise, you have either a guy who is really wishy-washy (“sure, I’ll go out if you want to, whatever.”) or a guy who is really painfully shy.

So the real question RFNM is whether you’re willing to get involved in a guy who is wishy-washy or is painfully shy?

All this aside, the BSG recommends (as he recommends to many folks) that you just ask the damned question. “Hey Dude. You’re sweet and I like chatting with you. What do you think about going out on a date sometime this week?” The worse that can happen is that he will freak out and decline and then the only thing you’ve really lost is several more weeks (months?) of confusion.

Do it RFNM. ~BSG~

The Scoop on Online Dating

Alright BSG, what do you think about online dating websites? Do you think they are only for the mega desperate people that seem to be complete social failures? Or do you think that they are legitimate especially for those with busy lifestyles or are tired of the bar scene. Obviously I am debating joining one but I would rather think they are more like the second description…hopefully…. ~Sitting with Mouse Poised~

Dear SMP: The Bitter Single Guy thinks online dating is the bomb! Seriously SMP, the Age of The Internet has brought richness to our lives that was once unthinkable. All our holiday shopping can be done from the safety of our desks, tracking devices placed on pets and children can be monitored 24/7, and people with the creepiest fetishes can find each other and live happily ever after. What’s not to love!

The BSG covers online dating here in much greater detail, so he’ll refer you there. In short though, don’t expect your online dating experience to be like live dating and for heaven’s sake SMP don’t let online dating replace real dating. You’d be shocked at the number of BSG readers who write in that their online BF or GB…whom they have never met…is becoming distant. Yes, you read that right.

So provided you approach online dating like a job and don’t let your feelings get caught up in who does and doesn’t reply to your profile. Good luck SMP.