The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Picky Dater

Dear Bitter Single Guy: So it’s Saturday night and here I sit writing the BSG about dating. Seems I have a problem with dating doesn’t it? I do and I’m extremely frustrated with the whole business.

I do get asked out on dates, and the ones I accept, never seem to pan out… postponed indefinitely or talk about it, but it never happens. And I also get asked out by guys that I have no attraction or interest in. I have resorted to online dating. Every guy that shows interest in me I, once again… have no interest in or the least bit of attraction to. And the guys that I message do not reply. I feel like I’m in a league all by myself.

I was able to meet someone that I interested in. After looking at his profile, messages and a phone call, we met for dinner and he was totally not my type. I called my friend on the way home to tell her how it went and she reprimanded me by saying that I can’t be so picky and still complain about not having dates. Where the hell is the middle ground here?! Is it bad that I put so much into the initial physical attraction? I want to be able to say “OMG! He’s so cute” not “Oh God, WTF!?” I feel like I am playing games with guys if I accept dates with those I am not attracted to.

BSG I wish you could sit at the computer with me and point out which guys I should be “going for”. Am I looking out of my league? ~League of My Own~

Dear LOMO: Writing to the Bitter Single Guy on a Saturday night isn’t such a bad thing…it’s like you had a date with the BSG! Personally, the BSG had a great time and promises to call you soon (don’t believe him, he always says that).

LOMO, the BSG has so much to say here, so he’s going to try to be concise:

1.       You don’t need a date every Saturday night. Spend one of those evenings going to a poetry reading, or taking a pottery class. Do something that makes YOU a more festive date. Every product on the market has to go through a Research & Development phase at some point.

2.       You get asked on dates, but not by the guys you’re attracted to? Welcome to the world of dating (fun, yes?). We are always in this triangle of pursuing someone who is busy pursuing someone else, who is busy pursuing us. Your friend is partially right, if you’re too picky, you’ll miss out.

3.       Your friend is partially wrong. In the BSG’s opinion, if you’re not attracted to someone at first, you’re not going to be attracted to them later. Many people look great “on paper” but in person there’s no spark. There has to be a spark.

4.       Stop believing that you can tell if there is a spark online or on the phone. Yes, if you meet in person and there’s no spark, politely decline a second date  (the BSG has ranted separately about being honest in these situations, so he won’t rant here). However, if someone contacts you on an online dating site, don’t believe that you can judge who they really are by their picture or profile. Meet them in person. This is the part that your friend is partially right about.

5.       There IS a middle ground between “OMG, He’s so cute” and “Oh God, WTF?”. Not every great date will look like that freak from Twilight (really folks? HIM? Ugh).

6.       Finally LOMO, of COURSE you’re in a league of your own! And so is every single guy you connect with (and don’t connect with). Let go of this idea of leagues. Really, back to the BSG’s previous comment, didn’t we learn anything from Twilight? If beautiful, charming, educated vampires can love geeky, backward, klutzy girls, then isn’t there hope for all of us?

Keep trying LOMO, it’s the only answer. ~BSG~

Lost in Translation

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Throughout my life I’ve always been the big brother or the best friend to most girls. Recently, a few people said they like me. But then said they “have a thing with someone else” or “were just too good of friends”. I haven’t been in a relationship for awhile. I was wondering if you could tell me how to move past being the best friend or the second option? ~More Than Friends~

Dear MTF: The Bitter Single Guy feels your pain, brother. The BSG himself spent time with way more friends and way fewer girlfriends than he wanted. The BSG’s personal journey through that hellish time is a conversation for a different day (and a cocktail), but he does have some pointers for you.

The BSG guesses that these girls that you’re friends with find you “safe” and that they can “tell you anything”, right MTF? The message embedded in these faux compliments are that they look for safety and open communication in their girl friends and “big-brothery” guy-friends. What they look for in guys they date is some mystery, some edginess, (frankly) some frustration. There are probably girls reading right now thinking “No, BSG…I’m ALL about the safe, quiet men for romance and sweaty times.”

Yeah, right. The BSG isn’t fooled by your unwillingness to admit your own desires, ladies.  MTF, girls (and guys as well for that matter) like a little challenge in their dating life. The BSG recommends you adding some edginess, some mystery or just some aloof-ness. The BSG doesn’t know if your high school is/was anything like his, but the guys who ignored all the girls invariably got the most attention from them. Dating is a cruel world out there, MTF.

If you’re anything like the BSG was, you probably don’t know what edginess or aloof-ness looks like, so the BSG will be a little more literal. Try making brief eye contact with a girl you’re attracted to. Hold the eye contact just a tiny bit longer than is comfortable, then look slowly away. That’s it. Don’t look again for the rest of that day and maybe for a couple of days. Then, look again…hold it…hold it…and break away slowly. The BSG promises you’ll get her attention and if you manage to avoid coming off like a stalker she’ll be intrigued. That’s what you want.

Practice that and let the BSG know how it’s going, and he’ll provide more ideas.

~BSG~

Bisexual and Transgendered: Dating Options

Dear Bitter Single Guy:  I actually just ran into your site and I’m hoping for a reply. This could get lengthy, but I’ll make it short as possible.

I’m 20, a college student, bisexual, and oddly enough, transsexual. I’m pre-op, pre-hormones, but I’m a FTM (female to male). However, the trouble is that I hardly pass as a guy, and when I say I’m bisexual, I actually mean that I’m almost gay. I’m open to dating women, and I’ve been attracted before, but I’m more often than not… head-over-heels for some guy.

I’ve only been on one date (the guy was almost three times my age and was too sexual/creepy to begin with) and my longest lasting relationship was two months.

The problem is that, because of my transsexuality, I’m sort of a fetish object and it really annoys me (I want to be liked for who I am, not what I am). I want to be in an openly gay relationship as a man, and I’ve tried nearly everything to find someone. However, I seem always to fall for straight and/or taken guys.

There are people who are interested in me, but they’re either too scared to say anything or I’m not interested in them. One guy, though, is pretty decent, and even though I’m not very interested in him. 

Honestly, I don’t know where to start or what to ask, but… What exactly should I do? When’s the best time to tell someone about my gender situation (before or during)? ~Not Sure of The Rules~

Dear NSTR: The Bitter Single Guy is blessed by having some friends who are trans, so he finds that he’s actually had a chance to think about situations just like yours. That doesn’t really mean he has an easy answer (answers are rarely easy, NSTR).  But here are some ideas.

Much of what you’re describing is true of any relationship regardless of gender and sexuality. Sometimes you’ll be attracted to people who are not attracted to you, and sometimes people will be attracted to you who you’re not attracted to. Honestly, the BSG doesn’t  know how anyone manages to connect sometimes.

One solution to your concern is one the BSG hopes has already occurred to you: spend time in a community of like-minded folks. This is true if you’re a devout Catholic, deeply into Jack Russell Terriers, or if you’re transgendered.  If you’re not already in contact with a group of other transgendered folks who are faced with similar dating conundrums, find them. Granted, the BSG lives in a good-ish sized city, but he’s surprised sometimes that there seems to be a community for everyone. Find yours NSTR.

As far as fetishism goes, the BSG finds that the line between festish and attraction is somewhat vague. If you only date people with brown hair, that’s an attraction, but if you want to spend hours brushing your partner’s hair then it becomes a fetish. The BSG points this out because you should definitely avoid folks (like the creepy one you mention) who fetishize anything about you (gender, weight, hair color, whatever), but know that there are folks who will find themselves exclusively attacted to people like you (in your case: FTM Trans) and you don’t want to write them off as potential dates. They’ll be much easier to date than educating someone new every time.

As far as when to tell a potential date about your gender status, the BSG wants you to think about what you’re asking that potential date. If you don’t broach the subject until an intimate moment (the BSG is blushing), then you give your date mere seconds to figure out how he feels about your revelation.  This is a lot to ask during what is likely already a highly pressured situation. For that reason, the BSG recommends having the conversation sooner rather than later, even though this could mean fewer second dates.

Even as he provides this advice NSTR, the BSG wants to reiterate his point about finding a community. The BSG can pronounce platitudes about the details of dating in the trans community, but the truth is you’ll be best supported by folks whose experience is more like yours.  But he’s still pretty pleased that you felt good about coming to the Bitter Single Guy…where all are welcome.

~BSG~

Afraid of Gay Men

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’m afraid of gay men, but I’m gay.  Funny how it’s come to work out, because I’ve been out of the closet longer than most of my gay peers. Most of my friends are straight.  I do a good job of making people laugh, I actually am pretty decent looking, and I’m smarter than most… but I am petrified of other gay men.

I’ve lately come to joke about myself being a spinster.  Really, it’s got a good sound to it; makes you sound freewheeling, active.  Not at all like what it actually means. But I don’t want to end up a BSG.  Speaking of which; why is a BSG necessarily the one to be giving advice? ~Parsley Pear~

Dear PP: The Bitter Single Guy is giving advice because he has the brilliant experience of having made nearly all the mistakes already and he’s willing to pass that invaluable wisdom to his readers (and to you). The immediate benefit for you PP, is that the BSG’s infinite experience lets him tell you that you’re not all that unique! Although the twist for you is that you’re a gay man afraid of gay men, there are tons of straight BSG readers who are afraid of the opposite sex or, more appropriately, afraid of their potential for success relating and dating with those nice folks. The BSG is hoping you don’t actually fear your Gay Brothers (and Lesbian Sisters) as if they’re going to hurt you. That’s a different problem.

The BSG is pretty sure that what you mean is that you’re not sure how to approach the whole dating thang within your tribe. The BSG knows that there is as much variability among The Gays as there is among The Straights, so he recommends you not think of your tribe as one homogeneous (pun intended…the BSG cracks himself up) group of scary potential dates. There are undoubtedly other friendly gay men who are similarly shy. You need to find them.

First, you need to get yourself a good old-fashioned gay friend. The BSG recommends, as he does for all his readers trying to get a date, that you start by joining some sort of club. A bowling league or a pottery class; some hobby-adjacent activity where you can safely meet similar folks. Then, just like in middle school, you make a friend, you have some coffee (OK, maybe not coffee in middle school, but you get the BSG’s drift), you laugh and carry on. The BSG isn’t recommending that you date this new friend (although if the vibe is there, go for it), but instead that you allow your new gay friend to slowly introduce you to the fun of hanging out with folks who have similar *ahem* interests.

Therapists call this process Systematic Desensitization, PP. Look that up in Google and you’ll see fascinating references to Little Albert and a White Rabbit and you’ll learn how the Psychological community came to be embarrassed by itself. It’s one of the BSG’s favorite stories.  But bunny rabbits aside, Systematic Desensitization is a great way to introduce something scary into your life in a non-scary way. Good luck, PP. ~BSG~

He Covers All the Bases

Dear Bitter Single Guy: here are the specs in a nutshell. I am 26, well rounded with brawn, brain, talent and youthful looks. I’m a broke college student, but I’m persistent and slowly making it. Having a hard time finding girls interested who are not my friends, fat or old or all of the above.

Most of the time I get by with personality, but I’m starting to wonder if mother nature is right about hot young females choosing the older bucks who are capable of providing more for their young and the short young bucks tend to get overlooked and abandoned through society, will I have to conquer a small country to be noticed by a girl I actually like? Lay it on me BSG ~Really Short Jewish Man~

Dear RSJM: The Bitter Single Guy is proud of your practical approach to finding what’s missing. Frankly; with brawn, brains, talent and youthfulness, the BSG wonders why the dames aren’t just falling down around your feet.   What you didn’t mention is what you’re doing to find these non-friend, non-fat, non-old chicks?

*Side note: the BSG will address the old and fat points momentarily. Please stand by*

RSJM, are you trying online dating? In sales language, we refer to that as “filling your pipeline” (which made some of you instantly think of something else to which the BSG says “ewwww”). Dating online can, as we all know, be soul-crushing; but if you’ve got the goods (and RSJM a confident attitude is a necessary component that you seem to have), then you should get out there.

Other than getting out there and looking rather than waiting for love to knock on your door, the BSG recommends finding creative outlets for all your brawn and brains. Get a hobby, join a club, take up some athletic endeavor…whatever it is, find a group that is interested in the same kind of activity. You’ll end up meeting all kinds of like-minded folks.

Additionally RSJM, if you’re being passed over by girls who are falling for older bucks, then the good news is that you’ll age into view for the girls you’re most attracted to.

By the way RSJM, the BSG warns you to be careful. The Universe listens to folks trying to avoid old, fat, (or whatever) folks and if you’re not careful you’ll find yourself falling hard for a portly 50 year-old. If that happens well then Mazal Tov. ~BSG~