The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Tired of Being the Single Friend

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’m 21 and have never dated or had any sort of relationship and I’m not the one-night-stand sort of a girl either. I’m smart, I’m fairly attractive, and I like to have a good time as much as anyone else does.

I’ve tried all the lines, the overdone flirting etc, but its not me. I’m the bitter single among my friends. I have a sarcastic/bitter sense of humor. I get along better with my graduate school peers than my junior and senior ones. I’m always the friend or the person that people come to advice for.  I’m never attracted to (or can’t stand) the guys that are attracted to me. If people are attracted to me, I’m completely oblivious. I feel like I’ve tried all the advice out there. I’m independent, but I’m sick of always being the single friend. Either I’m in the wrong school in the wrong state, or I’m giving off an overly bitter or serious vibe. ~Perpetually Single Girl~

Dear PSG: The Bitter Single Guy doesn’t believe that the only reasons you’re single are that you’re too bitter, too serious, or geographically hobbled. The best advice the BSG has for getting a date is getting some hobbies. Whether it’s while running the marathon for which your running club has trained during the past few months, or at the art show your pottery class organized for your work, you will find yourself meeting other like-minded people which, in dating parlance, is like shooting fish in a barrel.

Don’t go to bars expecting to meet dates, it’s soul-crushing and rarely successful (one nighters are more likely).

Additionally PSG, your friends are likely to be good help for you to understand if you’ve got a ‘tude working that is repelling the opposite sex. The BSG will also mention here that the opposite sex isn’t always for everyone, so if the ‘other side of the tracks’ hasn’t occurred to you, the BSG recommends thinking about it.

In addition to expanding your hobbies (social hobbies only, PSG.  Crocheting at home while you watch Friends reruns won’t get you anywhere), and thinking about all your dating options, the BSG generally recommends liking yourself and your life. This seems simple, but for some is a lifetime journey. Hopefully not for you.

Finally PS, it seems that you’re in graduate school? Heck, give yourself some slack! Graduate school is about as transitory as you can get in life. It may be that your love life won’t blossom until you do.

The Great Guy Friend

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have always been the go-to guy for relationship advice for my friends.  As amazing as I am at giving good relationship advice, I have a horrible track record with women.  I’m ridiculously mature and I’m somewhat detached when I analyze relationships.  This usually is good when I’m helping other people out but it’s a pain when I apply it to my own relationships.  I immediately see the flaws in whomever I date and this usually causes me to lose interest within a few weeks.  

My friends tell me that I set my standards too high, however I just want a mature woman who shares my interests and someone I can spend time with.  I’m not looking for my soul mate or my future wife.  I’d settle for a girl who I can enjoy spending time with.  I’ve come to understand that because I’m such a “great guy friend”, I attract women with emotional issues.  Because of that I usually spend more time dealing with her problems than enjoying a nice evening.  For the same reason, mature women don’t need to spend time with the “great guy friend”.  I think I’m decently good looking and I’m athletic.  I consider myself to be in good shape and good dresser.  I’m social and I meet a lot of people.  I’m usually not in need of advice but it’s been about 3 years since I’ve had a relationship that lasted longer than 5 weeks and I’m looking for substance.  My friends tell me I should stop being a nice guy and start being a GUY.  If you have any better advice, I’d appreciate it. ~Always A Groomsman~

Dear AAG: The Bitter Single Guy can understand your impatience with advice like “stop being a nice guy and start being a GUY.” What the heck does that mean? Does these well meaning friends want you to be a mean guy? The BSG doesn’t think so.

AAG, the BSG thinks that you’re putting too much analysis to this advice giving role you’ve found yourself in. Knowing how to analyze relationships (yours or anyone else’s) definitely doesn’t make you adept at being IN a relationship (the BSG speaks from extensive experience here), because your describing your advice giving as objective, analytical, recommendations for difficult relationships, because (obviously) no one ever wants advice when things are going well (again…the BSG speaking from extensive experience here).

This is like saying that a mechanic should be a great driver, when in fact those are separate (albeit related) activities. AAG, all this is to say that you should separate your advice-giving self from your relationship-seeking self…they’re not going to get along.

You say that on dates you often find yourself dealing with your date’s emotional issues.  Really, AAG? This is a relatively clear boundary that the BSG recommends you adopt quickly.  Try out the following phrases:

1.       “That must have been tough for you.”

2.       “I can see how that might have been frustrating.”

3.       “Are you going to eat that last roll?”

Granted this last one is down a different path, but the effect is the same. When presented with someone else’s emotional baggage it’s often fine not to offer advice. In fact, the BSG would say that it’s somewhat invasive to start offering advice to someone who has not explicitly asked for it.

The BSG also has to point out that if you’re attracting women with emotional baggage that you must, in some way, look like an emotional baggage cart.

So AAG, the BSG thinks that what your friends meant by start being a GUY, is that when you go on dates you need to act more like an attractive, athletic, interesting guy and less like an analyst.

Very Hot But Can’t Find Love

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I am a 24 year old man, (not meaning to sound arrogant) but who despite being very attractive, sporty and has a nice body just cannot find a girlfriend to at least spend time with or have an have a meaningful relationship. The last girlfriend I had was 8 years ago when I was 16. Its not the problem with getting laid, I have had so many one night stands and flings with so many girls which I am not proud of but seems the only other option I have as a young man who cannot find a girlfriend. I am sick and tired of one night stands and want to find a girl who I like in everyway, as I am very insecure about this 8 year drought. My good friends tell me to not pressure yourself and continue to have fun with women, but I feel as though I am digging myself into an even bigger whole having fun and not trying to build proper friendships with girls. Many of my friends who are far worse looking seem to have very attractive girlfriends who stick to them like glue. I so want to know what I have been doing wrong for 8 years as I have traveled and met so many different women and have been told that I am extremely attractive by nearly every person I meet. I would be very appreciative of your advice. ~Want More than Sex~

Dear WMS: The Bitter Single Guy has news for you.  You have a good body and can’t seem to find anything other than one night stands, eh? Well really WMS…what is a good body good for EXCEPT one-nighters? 

Really dude…stay with the BSG here. If what you want is a meaningful relationship why do you believe that being hot is the ticket? Frankly, having a great body doesn’t even guarantee that you’re good in the sack, just that you’re pretty to look at.

But hey…the BSG doesn’t mean to beat up on you here, he just wants you to get rid of this idea that being hot should equal being in love. If you want a meaningful relationship then make some friends, get some interesting hobbies, show some interest in other people.  In short, become something other than a pretty face (and “extremely attractive” body) and you’ll find what your less attractive friends are finding.  ~BSG~

Always the Friend, Never the Good Stuff

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have a huge problem. I always seem to get stuck in the “friend” mode. This like is super frustrating because I can’t get out of it, no matter how well a night goes, I just stay there in the “friend” mode. I have no problem meeting guys, talking to guys, or even becoming the guy’s best friend. I just have a lot of trouble getting past that. I mean I think I send all the right signals and give out all the hints, maybe I’m not, I am just like sooo confused. Like a perfect example was like a few weeks ago, my friends and I went to the beach and like one of my acquaintance/friends was there, he’s like super cute and nice. That night all this crazy stuff happened, getting stuck at the beach in the middle of the night, running away from crazy carnies, and  walking back to the condo which took like an hour. Through this whole fun/crazy ordeal we talk about our beliefs and thoughts, etc. Well after we meet back up with our friends at the condo, everyone was pretty tired, so they went to bed, we for still wide awake, so we watched TV for a bit and then decided to go to sleep. We went to the same room, in a normal fashion, and we end up talking to each other for like 5 hours until seven in the morning, and like nothing happened! Nothing at all! I don’t get it, like seriously. I mean yeah I’m a bit hefty but hell this happens wayyyy to often, and often with some of my closest guy friends. I don’t know what to think anymore. I mean I even asked one of my guy friends for advice and he tells me to ask Mr. Beach Guy out on a date, but for the life of me I can’t bring myself to do it. I mean I really like this guy, but I don’t know if he’s even the slightest bit interested. this hasn’t happened only with him though, it’s happened/happening with my best friend, I mean yea he has a girlfriend I understand and everything I’m not gonna mess that up, but like hell, next year were gonna get an apartment together and everything as “just friends”.  So like yeah. I’m really good a being a guys best bud I mean it’s easy, because we for the most part have the same tastes in music, TV, “bad habits”, like as far as good friends go we are comfortable enough to tell each other almost everything…grrrr…those were just two examples of what constantly happens to me day in and day out. Am I just like extremely unattractive or something? I mean hell I don’t smell or anything. (if I did they would have told me by now, lol) like I said I’m a bit hefty but I’m not like grotesque or anything like that. I really just don’t get it. Even worse the guy/s I end up liking have had at least one girlfriend my size, and let’s just say they didn’t have the best personalities and weren’t the “jolly” type. I wonder every now and then, if I should just act really feminine or something, but they supposedly find it really annoying…what should I do? ~Fed Up with Friendships~

Dear FUF: The Bitter Single Guy like, feels your pain sister. The BSG himself had a time of being everyone’s pal and no one’s hunka-hunka-burnin-love and he knows how frustrating that is. Here it is broken down for you: Let go of the hefty thang…there are TONS of guys who like a woman with a little something to hold on to (some BSG readers are thinking ‘Amen, brother!’). Let go of the idea that your friends SHOULD be making moves on you. Your best friend who has a girlfriend? Really FUF? That’s just tacky. Let go of Mr. Beach Guy. If he wanted to sample some of your wares, he would have when you stayed up talking all night.

FUF it’s possible that, by virtue of your sparkling personality, that you’ve become SAFE. This means that in a pool of folks who are all dating each other and wrapped up in each other’s madness, there is usually one person that everyone else comes to for advice and comfort. This seems like it would be a great position to be in, but it can leave you out in the cold, as you’ve seen.

OK, here’s the plan FUF. Find yourself a date. NOT one of your friends that you think should be attracted to you, find someone NEW then flirt, bat your eyes, be clever and like fun to be around. Make sure your intentions are clear. If you’re asked to give advice to this person on how he can win the affections of someone else, get up and walk away to find someone interested in YOU.

~BSG~

Where Are the Intellectuals?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I seem to have a unique problem with men – to the point I feel that I may as well give up on a relationship, because it isn’t going to happen for me. I stopped “looking” a long time ago, because it only led to hurt.  What I have always wished for is an ordinary guy, who wants to get to know me, who I find interesting as well – a more intellectual type – someone with similar interests, who could be my best friend.  I don’t even think those expectations are unreasonable.

Here is the problem.  The only guys I seem to attract are either unavailable men – gay guys seem to be easily fascinated with me.  - No, I don’t seek them out, they seem to “find” me.  And they don’t even make good friends, because they are so capricious – here today, and gone tomorrow. The other type I seem to attract is the guys who have something about them or their lifestyle that is a total and complete turn off.  So different from me, and my life, I have to wonder what makes them think I would even be interested. (I am educated, and not interested in anyone who isn’t)

Why would this always be the case?  What am I likely doing wrong?  Why the gay guys? And why would a woman not be relationship material to someone who is educated, has a job, and their own place? Can you tell me what men are looking for?  What makes a girl relationship material, and what makes her a great friend and buddy, but not a romantic interest?  I really want to know. ~Can’t Get the Right One~

Dear CGRO: The Bitter Single Guy hears your frustration with trying to find the right match; the BSG himself has a really tough time bridging the gap between his list of qualifications for a match and the actual human incarnation of that match.  The BSG’s point here is that attraction, love and lust don’t always fall into logical categories.

The BSG will tell you about his friend Roger. Roger went through a bad no-dating period where the right woman was nowhere in evidence.  There were some, including the BSG, who secretly (and some not so secretly) thought that Roger’s expectations were a little unreasonable. Specifically, Roger wasn’t interested in any woman who didn’t fully resemble Britney Spears (the pre-melt-down, pre-mommy-track, post-not-that-innocent Britney). Roger despaired of ever finding love.

Thankfully for Roger (and probably Britney) he met a woman who met few of his requirements, but had a whole list of OTHER attributes that Roger hadn’t even thought to put on his list. Today, they are happily producing offspring and living their lives.

The BSG’s point here CGRO, is that having a list of hard-and-fast rules isn’t going to work. You may find the man who completely fits the bill, but fails to (the BSG will try not to be indelicate here) make your toes curl.  Readers…raise your hands if you are currently in a relationship that SEEMED like it should have been perfect but in fact is hell-ish.  Uh huh…uh huh…yes, there are many of you, as the BSG suspected.

CGRO, the BSG doesn’t understand your attraction for The Gays.  The Gays are typically attracted to fabulousness, so there must be something fabulous about you. The BSG also hears that The Gays are attracted to boobs…so perhaps you are either fabulous in some way, or have interesting boobs.  The BSG is just speculating here, but he wouldn’t recommend you spend any time trying to get to the bottom of this one.

The BSG feels he could go on and on here, asking questions like “Why educated? Do you mean M.A.-educated, Ph.D.-educated, or will only post-doc do?”  The BSG also thinks he could go on about what makes a girl (or a boy, for that matter) relationship material as opposed to friend material, but the short answer for all these questions is that the BSG recommends just being open to the possibility.  That high-school educated gardener may have a passion for organic gardening and poetry that hits all your intellectual buttons. Or, he may just be really hot and hit a whole bunch of different buttons in which case, maybe you can join a book club to get your intellectual rocks off (OK, the BSG was pretty indelicate there).

Lighten up CGRO. Hang out in the circles where your desired mates hang out. Have hobbies, have fun and be open to possibilities.