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Taylor and Taylor Are Done

December 30th, 2009 | 1 Comment | Posted in Celebrity Advice

Well the Bitter Single Guy knew it was bound to happen, but it was fun to dream for a little while, eh? Taylor Lautner and Taylor Swift have ended their relationship after just a few months.

So the Bitter Single Guy has some advice for finding love in their next incarnations:

Taylor (Swift) – The BSG hadn’t heard your name until someone else (whose name the BSG didn’t really know) took a microphone away from you at some award show. While the BSG couldn’t tell one of your songs from one of the many other random blonde singers (are you and Carrie Underwood the same person?) he definitely thinks that Mr. West acted inappropriately, as does¬† most of the rest of America.

Now, the brouhaha around your public dissing shouldn’t mean that you go for the obvious cutesy response in dating. The BSG means really…isn’t it just a little too easy to date someone with the same name. The BSG wants you to automatically reject future dates with people who share your name. Have some standards Taylor.

Taylor (Lautner) – The BSG, being a fan of the fantasy genre, had read Ms. Meyer’s vampire series and liked Jacob the Werewolf character as a foil to the (gag) perfection of Edward Cullen (the BSG should mention that while he’s a fan of fantasy, he is NOT a 13 year-old girl, so much of the Edward Cullen enthusiasm was lost on him). The BSG was pleased to see the first movie and thought it held up well to it’s minimal promise.

Upon seeing this second movie, the BSG was quite surprised Mr. Launtner! Either the producers of the Twilight movies got really lucky and found a scrawny kid to play the Jacob in the first movie who just happened to buff up to a rather impressive degree for movie #2, or (and this is the BSG’s suspicion) those soulless Hollywood-types put you up to a grueling regimen of exercise and weight training so you could pull off your werewolf gig. Beware sudden success Mr. Lautner. Many a celebrity has been little more than a flash in the pan and as some of those celebrities who now star in infomercials (the BSG is talking to you, Erik Estrada) can tell you, you’ve got a long life to live once this moment has passed.

The BSG doesn’t know how you met Ms. Swift and frankly, he doesn’t care. His advice for you is simply to be cautious. Your new status as a teen pin-up will only add to whatever hormones are rushing through your body, resulting in you being in a prime position to make really stupid decisions. Not, the BSG must clarify, that he believes your daliance with Ms. Swift was a stupid decision. In fact, the BSG thinks that was quite¬† a sensible star to which to hitch your wagon, if even for a little while. In short Mr. Lautner, don’t let yourself get taken advantage of because you’re pretty. Soon enough you’ll be fat and bitter and will need something sensible to fall back on.

Good luck, Taylors!

~BSG!

Advice for Tiger Woods

December 15th, 2009 | 1 Comment | Posted in Celebrity Advice

Welcome to the BSG’s new advice category! The BSG has come to realize that although we all form opinions about how celebrities should manage their high profile relationship foibles, there isn’t always someone around to give them the advice they need. Enter the BSG’s Celebrity Advice!

Tiger Woods. Oh Tiger. You have, for so many years now, carried the hopes of people of color in your golf bag; time and time again rising to the occasion to demonstrate what a fine upstanding citizen you are.

Now the BSG should preface his advice to you by saying that he is sure that golf is a wonderful sport, what with the casual walking and the swinging of clubs…really, what’s not to like? But the BSG is not so much a golf-fan as he is a golf-avoider. As such, the BSG is only peripherally aware of the goings-on of such golf stars as yourself.

But from the barrage of media attention (don’t we have a WAR to talk about, people?) the BSG gathers that you have, over a period of years, had a series of illicit relationships with women who were not your wife. The BSG is not here to judge you, he just wants to set the stage.

Because even NPR has stooped to reporting on your love life, the BSG learned that you are taking time away from golf to try to fix your relationship with your wife and to minimize the impact to your children (honestly, the BSG continued to think of you as the youngster who upset the golf world a few short years back and now he finds that you have children? Time flies).

[clap, clap, clap] The Bitter Single Guy applauds you, Mr. Woods. His advice to you is to ignore the media frenzy and do the thing you say you’re going to do. Despite our civilization’s expectation that our sports stars will also be moral compasses, the BSG can only imagine what the temptation must have been like for you! Fix your family, Tiger. If you decide that you don’t want to be in your relationship anymore, do it because it’s not the right relationship for you, not because you can’t keep your johnson in your pants.

~BSG~

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