The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

The BSG Sides with Cinderella

Dear Readers…this letter is long, but a good one. The BSG recommends hanging with it.

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I cheated. I started a relationship with my now-ex-fiance when I was rebounding off of some serious issues during my senior year of high school. We had always loved each other, and he was my rock in my greatest time of need. Not only that, though… I loved everything about him and we were inseparable and just plain happy. I went off to college 6 months into our relationship without knowing a soul on campus and I made the mistake of falling into someone else’s bed more than once when I was completely obliterated. Looking back on it, I’m able to see that I felt undeserving of such an amazing relationship after the mistakes I had made in the past, and hence began to act that way.

After a few incidents over the next couple of months in that first semester of partying and self-loathing, I finally began to see myself for what I was. A kind, empathetic, loving person, and I was finally able to understand that I WAS deserving of a wonderful man who treated me the way he did. It didn’t take any worries about him finding out or any type of major event for me to stop… I just looked at him one night after a great date and realized how lucky (and grateful) I was to have him in my life.

His best friend had heard about what I was doing because we went to school together and it’s a small campus. I didn’t really say much when he asked me about it and he basically told me that he wasn’t going to say anything because he knew it would kill… let’s call my ex Bob. Both he and my close friends all agreed that it would be best to just forget about it since I had quit already and had turned things around.

Well… after 1 1/2 years of being together and 8 months after my last encounter with someone else, he asked me to marry him. I said yes, life was great, and he attended school with me that year. Things were going really well but I had a falling-out with one of my best friends and she decided to e-mail him every gruesome detail about what I had done to betray him. And by every detail… I mean EVERY detail, including some pretty disgusting lies.

When he got these messages from her, it had been 1 1/2 years since my last encounter. It tore our world apart for that day but he decided to forgive me and try to put it out of his mind since we were so in love and he trusted that I was being honest about when I stopped. Unfortunately, we both made the mistake of thinking that it would be possible for him to forgive me so easily and so quickly.

I like to communicate, and I like to communicate a lot. I would always talk to him about what I was needing from him to feel loved and what we could do to make the relationship even better and I would always ask him, “I know I’m not perfect, babe. What can I do to make you happier or to make things even better with us?” He always responded that he was happy and I was great and that he loved how things were going.

Well… apparently not. Just recently, I was bedridden with a bad migraine and he went to hang out with his friend in the common area of our dorm building. He met a girl there, and they were texting eachother nonstop for two days. After we slept together one night, I asked him if he liked her as we were cuddling.

He said this, almost exactly. “If I weren’t dating anyone, then yes I would probably think of her that way. But I love you and I’m committed to this relationship and you can trust me, babe.” Not 36 hours later, he dumped me. He broke off his engagement because he said he didn’t feel that same spark as he had when we first started dating. He said he just wanted space to work through things and to figure out what he wanted. I came to find out that  he immediately started spending time with her and right after we had a tearful (but good) talk later that week… I saw him walking from her room the next morning after he had spent the night there.

I’ll avoid talking about how much this girl makes me nauseous to pursue a guy who is engaged in the first place, no matter how much I want to scratch her eyes out. I just feel like if he had been honest with me from the beginning about how what I did was affecting him, we could have taken a break THEN or at least started to see a counselor… ANYTHING to keep things together in some way. He also mentioned that he was under a lot of pressure with getting married so soon and I’m just thinking… “But you asked me!”

I would have much rather given up planning a wedding than to go through what I’m feeling now. It would have been harder for us to talk about what I did openly and for him to be honest about what I could have done to improve things, but at least I wouldn’t have been going through the past year thinking everything was all rainbows and butterflies. This breakup came completely out of nowhere, for me.

I know we’re in college, but I’m so sick of hearing from EVERYONE that this is the time to date a lot of people and party and have a great time. I feel like you can still party and have fun and make new friends and have all of the great experiences that college has to offer while still having someone you love by your side. Neither of us are the “notch-in-the-belt” type of people to begin with.

I just want to know… what do you think happens now? Are we hopeless? He refuses to sell my engagement ring back just yet (he doesn’t even know why) and he still keeps all of my pictures up on his bulletin board so I feel like he still might have some shred of love for me somewhere.
I’ve forgiven myself for my mistakes by now. All that I felt I could do to show my love for him after I betrayed him was to love him with every cell in my body and to never lie to him again (which came easily to me). I feel like I should have came clean to him myself, but there’s nothing I can do about that now. ~Repentant Cheater~

Dear RC: The Bitter Single Guy should tell you that he normally doesn’t respond to letters as long as yours but after reading your letter he decided to weigh in.

First the BSG wants to say that he feels your pain. You’ve obviously learned well from your debaucheries in the first few months you were college. The BSG also agrees with you…it would have been better if your fiancé had heard about those debaucheries from you rather than from a pissed-off friend. While he absolutely understands not wanting to rock a peacefully floating boat with stories of past infidelities, the BSG is pretty sure that your happy marriage would eventually have been rocked by the fact that you cheated on your boyfriend early in your relationship.

OK so then the BSG will attempt to describe why he doesn’t really blame your fiancé here. He wants you to think about Cinderella (stay with the BSG here, he promises this is relevant). Imagine (in a slightly re-done version of the story) that Cinderella heard about the ball, but thought “nope, my stepsisters and I have all these chores, so no balls for us.” [pun intended] Later, Cinder hears from a nosy neighbor that while she was home scrubbing floors, doing dishes and peeling turnips that her stepsisters were out at the ball! When the stepsisters came home they genuinely told Cinder that they now realize how stupid it was to be out having fun while their sister was at home working. So Cruella grabs the turnip peeler while Ursula grabs the mop. Everyone wins, right? Well not really. Hell, Cinderella LOVES balls, what kind of chump was she to spend hours doing chores while those girls were whirling around a dance floor? So even though the stepsisters learned an important lesson about family cohesion, they still frankly REEKED of the buffet at the ball, while Cinderella reeked of turnip peels and Mop-N-Glo.

The short version here RC is that cheating has an insidious impact on relationships. As much as your ex probably wanted to be OK with how everything went down, the BSG is pretty sure that there was a voice in his head calling him a chump for being home peeling turnips (so to speak) while you were at the ball.

He may, after spending some time “at the ball” himself, decide that what he had with you was worth trying to re-capture but the BSG wouldn’t hold your breath. Sometimes the cost of enlightenment is high. ~BSG~

Some BSG Readers are Cheaters

OK Gentle Readers,

Overall the BSG has to say that he’s impressed. Some of you may have noticed the BSG polls that run just over there to the right. Well, given the amount of BSG readers who write in that someone cheated on them, he thought it would be appropriate to check in on that.

So it turns out that of the 405 of you who took the poll, fully 140 of you report that you have actually cheated on a boyfriend or girlfriend. Tsk, tsk, tsk, the BSG says to you 140 people.

That said, and this is the point where the BSG is going to turn this around a little on the self-righteous folks (265 of them to be exact) who reported in this poll that they HAVEN’T ever cheated, the BSG has to admit that his own vote is in the big red “yes” column up there and while he’s not proud of his philandering, the BSG believes that it’s too easy to criticize until you’ve walked a mile in a cheater’s shoes. It’s been many years since his cheating experience (in case any of the BSG’s exes read this) but he remembers it clearly and the lesson it taught him: Don’t be too quick to announce to the world what you’d never do (cheat on someone, watch reality TV, vote Republican, etc.). Sometimes your words come back to bite you in the ass (as the BSG learned).

So to the 139 other folks (besides the BSG) who have walked the shameful path of the cheater, think about what you’ve learned and know that being a better person is a daily exercise. To the 265 BSG readers who have not walked the path of the cheater, be careful how you judge your fallen comrades. Once they too thought it could never happen to them.

~BSG~

Getting What You Deserve

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’m glad that you even exist. I’ve been bugged by my dream guy’s sudden attitude change literally overnight. He does have the caliber. Good career prospect with high earning power (definitely with higher stress in the future), good looking, good body and smart.

Initially, things were going on fine. He would pop by around workplace to take a look at me, get upset when I got upset, asked me out when he got transferred out, sms me every day. Suddenly all these changed just overnight. No sex was involved which made me even more confused what exactly he wanted and what exactly made him change his attitude. He initiated a hug and a peck on my cheeks, secretly smelled my hair and we even held hands that very night overseeing shears bridge. What happened???

I was so tormented by his actions, everyday asking myself why the change. Finally one day, I plucked up the courage to SMS him, yet he just gave me an answer “No reason.” How can there be no reason????

By the way, before he asked me out, he knew I had a bf. So we were supposed to hang out as friends till our last “date” (which was the 4th date, he initiated yet also ended it without reason. I was so miserable then after as I realized I was beginning to fall for him, and miss him so much. Even nowadays when I see him around at work (he got transferred back just 6 months ago), my heart flutters, I don’t even dare talk to him although he tried to talked to me initially (6months ago when he returned) but I chose to be cold as I was pissed off with him.

Only recently over the past one week, I decided to respond to him a little more. Sometimes, he will just say things like ” I need tender loving care” or “why don’t you make me coffee”, I am so confused. I do not know what he’s trying to do at all. I’ve been asking my best friend to sound him out, but my best friend is also at wits end as he’s rather tight lipped about his personal matters.

I am thinking of hijacking him when he goes home one day to sound him out face-to-face as I am really terribly tormented. My bf is bugging me to get married, but I do not want as my entire heart has only got that perfect guy whom I’ve been longing for. Even if my perfect guy were to reject me in my face, I won’t mind. At least I know what the reason is and there’s a closure. At least it can help me to fully move on and just marry my bf. ~Tormented Girl~

Dear TG: Wait, what? The Bitter Single Guy had to read over your letter a few times to keep up with the string of what’s happening. As he read, the BSG got that you had a mutual attraction with a co-worker and that the two of you flirted a little, sent SMS messages a few times , held hands and even engaged in some innocent hair-smelling while on some bridge.

Then, as far as the BSG understands, your Fickle Fellow went a little cold and stopped all the flirtation even though you weren’t done yet. Rude! So you directly asked him what was up (the BSG applauds you…heck the BSG applauds ANYONE who take the direct approach. Clap-clap-clap) and he essentially said he stopped flirting for no reason. Shame, shame, shame Fickle Fellow…even the BSG knows that the reason you stopped flirting is that you lost interest.

Yes TG that’s what happened here…Fickle Fellow just lost interest. Now it’s certainly possible, given your early description of Fickle Fellow as attractive with good earning potential (really, TG?), that he’s one of those folks who is actually somewhat insecure about his personality so relies on his looks (and…ummm…earning potential) to flirt and get women to flirt back with him even though he’s too insecure to ever head toward a real relationship.

But wait TG! Then the BSG read all the way through your letter and found out that through this entire flirting and him going cold and him getting transferred away then getting transferred back and you going cold and your ensuing confusion that you’ve had a BOYFRIEND! What?!

TG, the BSG is going to say what seems not to have occurred to you: You deserve everything you got from Fickle Fellow. You were obviously planning (perhaps are still planning) to continue pretending to be in love with your boyfriend, even entertaining plans of marriage, unless Fickle Fellow gave you the green light to jump ship and abandon your poor boyfriend! Shame, shame, shame TG.

If you’re unhappy in your relationship to the point that flirtation from an attractive coworker sends you spiraling into uncontrollable fantasy-land, then at a minimum the BSG recommends you don’t get married to your boyfriend. In fact, the BSG thinks it’s probably time for you to step up and take some responsibility and either commit to your boyfriend or break up with him because you obviously think there is something better out there for you.

In short TG, Fickle Fellow is treating you exactly like you’re planning to treat your boyfriend, so the BSG thinks you got what you deserved.

~BSG~

Wife is Having an Emotional Affair

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Hey man I have a serious problem here I could use a little advice…My wife and I have been married 4 years. We have had our good days and bad days but about a year ago it started getting stale. We fell into routine she works long hours we didn’t see each other much. I quit showing her the attention I did when we were dating and such and she quit showing me also. About 8 months ago she started talking to an old ex bf from about 10+ years. They never had sex  - they weren’t together long at all. Said that she can talk to him about anything and that while I wasn’t showing her attention he did. He lives in a different state. They started out emails then texts then calls and now she talks to him daily sometimes many times a day. Says he’s her best friend.

I saw some texts she sent that were sexual I called her out on it and she said sorry she would never do it again it was wrong. She is always talking about meeting him in person he’s moving about 5 hours from us soon and she says she wants to meet him half way for lunch. Said she will take a friend to make me feel better and it will be all public and no staying the night. She SWEARS he’s just a friend yet I’ve seen them seriously flirting. I have tried to be calm about it told her I didn’t want her putting herself in that position but she swears it’s just best friends and she WILL NOT stop or even slow down talking to him.

She said he wants her to go see him and spend a couple days with him sleep in a different room and all that. I’m old school man, if it walks like a duck quacks like a duck chances are it’s a duck. She swears she doesn’t want to be with him he, hasn’t seen his own kids in 6 years and we have 4. He cheats on every girl he’s with she said she would never get with him. So being that she can’t end this friendship for the good of our marriage or even slow it down some do you think she’s setting me up to cheat? I have done wrong in the past one thing I have never done is cheated on her. Not so much as even a kiss couldn’t even imagine it. So is this just a fantasy that will pass or is she emotionally cheating on me seeking attention and I suppose romance outside of the marriage. Should I even bother trying anymore? When we are together and she doesn’t talk to him we are perfect…when I hear his name or she tells me he wants to meet her somewhere I explode….Been going on for nearly a year I can’t take it anymore. ~Looking for Ducks~

Dear LFD: The Bitter Single Guy thinks your analysis of walking and quacking is accurate here: you’ve got a duck on your hands, my friend.

The BSG doesn’t think that any relationship will meet all of our needs and thinks that friends are a great way to fill out those possibilities. However, the BSG thinks this is more about finding a friend who shares your love of chess if your partner doesn’t. For flirting and romantical stuff, the BSG thinks that should be the person with whom you’re in a romantical relationship.

Frankly LFD, the BSG was sold at the point that you discovered sexual content in her text messages to him. At that point, all bets are off in the BSG’s opinion. Unless your wife has other “friends” with whom she makes sexual remarks in text messages, the BSG suspects that this is exactly what it appears to be. The BSG believes that if she goes to visit for a day or two (and “sleeps on the couch”) there will be an accidental experience with too much to drink and one-thing-just-lead-to-another and it-didn’t-mean-anything and if-you’re-getting-upset-over-nothing-that’s-your-problem and then everyone’s in trouble.

But here’s the other problem. Do you really want to declare Martial Law in your marriage by telling your wife that she can’t go off and spend time with this man? The BSG doesn’t think so. Given that, here is the BSG’s advice: Tell your wife that you know that you haven’t been the best husband and that you are committed (if you are) to working with her on improving your relationship. Tell her also that you’re not going to get into the semantics of differences between a friend and an affair, but that respect for your feelings, if not downright tackiness, should prevent her from carrying on this emotional affair with this man.

In other words LFD, separate the emotional affair she’s involved in from the problems in your marriage. Use this two-pronged approach to either work with her on how you can both improve your relationship or determine how to end it gracefully before you find yourselves working through infidelity after the fact because that’s where this duck is heading. ~BSG~

Heard my gf was cheating

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Awhile ago my gf told me a guy was saying very vulgar things to her at a party, and the next day my gf tells me her friend (who also likes this guy) says that my gf hooked up with him.

Now this girl (the informant) and my gf used to be friends and since have stopped speaking. I told my gf to find out what happened from her and if she couldn’t then I would (probably my first mistake). Well the informant contacts me and tells me that my gf cheated on me twice on the night in question with said guy, and that my gf has been lying to me and others. She even told me to talk to the guy my gf supposedly slept with.

I confronted my gf about this, denied all charges flat out. My gf calls the informant crazy and the informant calls my gf a liar. What should I do? I love my gf a lot; we’ve got plans about our future etc. The girl the informant describes doesn’t sound like my gf, the girl I know and love.

Should I dig deeper on this one? It’s incredibly stressful on our relationship. It’s a catch 22 almost. ~Wanting to Dig Deeper~

Dear WDD: The Bitter Single Guy thinks you need to side with your girlfriend on this. You say you trust her and The Informant seems to have an axe to grind where your girlfriend is concerned. The problem of course, is the consequences of being wrong. If you’re wrong and The Informant is trying to wreck your relationship, then you end up being the big giant jerk that didn’t trust his girlfriend instead of an obvious psycho wench. The BSG says trust the girlfriend, but he also thinks that the two of you should agree to cut off all contact with The Informant.

That said, the BSG is suspicious by nature and recommends paying attention for other signs of infidelity in the future. If The Informant is just doing a public service and telling the truth, then you’re going to have many years of getting over the hurt you’ll feel if your girlfriend is this fiendish. That said, the BSG thinks that if she’s ballsy enough to carry out this drama, then he suspects she’ll stray again. ~BSG~