The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Wife is Having an Emotional Affair

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Hey man I have a serious problem here I could use a little advice…My wife and I have been married 4 years. We have had our good days and bad days but about a year ago it started getting stale. We fell into routine she works long hours we didn’t see each other much. I quit showing her the attention I did when we were dating and such and she quit showing me also. About 8 months ago she started talking to an old ex bf from about 10+ years. They never had sex  - they weren’t together long at all. Said that she can talk to him about anything and that while I wasn’t showing her attention he did. He lives in a different state. They started out emails then texts then calls and now she talks to him daily sometimes many times a day. Says he’s her best friend.

I saw some texts she sent that were sexual I called her out on it and she said sorry she would never do it again it was wrong. She is always talking about meeting him in person he’s moving about 5 hours from us soon and she says she wants to meet him half way for lunch. Said she will take a friend to make me feel better and it will be all public and no staying the night. She SWEARS he’s just a friend yet I’ve seen them seriously flirting. I have tried to be calm about it told her I didn’t want her putting herself in that position but she swears it’s just best friends and she WILL NOT stop or even slow down talking to him.

She said he wants her to go see him and spend a couple days with him sleep in a different room and all that. I’m old school man, if it walks like a duck quacks like a duck chances are it’s a duck. She swears she doesn’t want to be with him he, hasn’t seen his own kids in 6 years and we have 4. He cheats on every girl he’s with she said she would never get with him. So being that she can’t end this friendship for the good of our marriage or even slow it down some do you think she’s setting me up to cheat? I have done wrong in the past one thing I have never done is cheated on her. Not so much as even a kiss couldn’t even imagine it. So is this just a fantasy that will pass or is she emotionally cheating on me seeking attention and I suppose romance outside of the marriage. Should I even bother trying anymore? When we are together and she doesn’t talk to him we are perfect…when I hear his name or she tells me he wants to meet her somewhere I explode….Been going on for nearly a year I can’t take it anymore. ~Looking for Ducks~

Dear LFD: The Bitter Single Guy thinks your analysis of walking and quacking is accurate here: you’ve got a duck on your hands, my friend.

The BSG doesn’t think that any relationship will meet all of our needs and thinks that friends are a great way to fill out those possibilities. However, the BSG thinks this is more about finding a friend who shares your love of chess if your partner doesn’t. For flirting and romantical stuff, the BSG thinks that should be the person with whom you’re in a romantical relationship.

Frankly LFD, the BSG was sold at the point that you discovered sexual content in her text messages to him. At that point, all bets are off in the BSG’s opinion. Unless your wife has other “friends” with whom she makes sexual remarks in text messages, the BSG suspects that this is exactly what it appears to be. The BSG believes that if she goes to visit for a day or two (and “sleeps on the couch”) there will be an accidental experience with too much to drink and one-thing-just-lead-to-another and it-didn’t-mean-anything and if-you’re-getting-upset-over-nothing-that’s-your-problem and then everyone’s in trouble.

But here’s the other problem. Do you really want to declare Martial Law in your marriage by telling your wife that she can’t go off and spend time with this man? The BSG doesn’t think so. Given that, here is the BSG’s advice: Tell your wife that you know that you haven’t been the best husband and that you are committed (if you are) to working with her on improving your relationship. Tell her also that you’re not going to get into the semantics of differences between a friend and an affair, but that respect for your feelings, if not downright tackiness, should prevent her from carrying on this emotional affair with this man.

In other words LFD, separate the emotional affair she’s involved in from the problems in your marriage. Use this two-pronged approach to either work with her on how you can both improve your relationship or determine how to end it gracefully before you find yourselves working through infidelity after the fact because that’s where this duck is heading. ~BSG~

Heard my gf was cheating

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Awhile ago my gf told me a guy was saying very vulgar things to her at a party, and the next day my gf tells me her friend (who also likes this guy) says that my gf hooked up with him.

Now this girl (the informant) and my gf used to be friends and since have stopped speaking. I told my gf to find out what happened from her and if she couldn’t then I would (probably my first mistake). Well the informant contacts me and tells me that my gf cheated on me twice on the night in question with said guy, and that my gf has been lying to me and others. She even told me to talk to the guy my gf supposedly slept with.

I confronted my gf about this, denied all charges flat out. My gf calls the informant crazy and the informant calls my gf a liar. What should I do? I love my gf a lot; we’ve got plans about our future etc. The girl the informant describes doesn’t sound like my gf, the girl I know and love.

Should I dig deeper on this one? It’s incredibly stressful on our relationship. It’s a catch 22 almost. ~Wanting to Dig Deeper~

Dear WDD: The Bitter Single Guy thinks you need to side with your girlfriend on this. You say you trust her and The Informant seems to have an axe to grind where your girlfriend is concerned. The problem of course, is the consequences of being wrong. If you’re wrong and The Informant is trying to wreck your relationship, then you end up being the big giant jerk that didn’t trust his girlfriend instead of an obvious psycho wench. The BSG says trust the girlfriend, but he also thinks that the two of you should agree to cut off all contact with The Informant.

That said, the BSG is suspicious by nature and recommends paying attention for other signs of infidelity in the future. If The Informant is just doing a public service and telling the truth, then you’re going to have many years of getting over the hurt you’ll feel if your girlfriend is this fiendish. That said, the BSG thinks that if she’s ballsy enough to carry out this drama, then he suspects she’ll stray again. ~BSG~

Needing Space after Being Cheated On

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Do you have advice for staying together after infidelity? How can I trust my partner again?

You always tell people that if their partner asks for space to DUMP THEM. In this case I really wanna stay with my guy, but I fear that if I stay with him while I’m working on my issues (BIG issues–depression, anger, insecurity), I’ll mess it all up. Do you think it’s ever a good move to ask for space with the intention of being together again? I’m trying to learn to control myself…but change sometimes takes time. ~Hurt and Out of Control~

Dear HOOC: The Bitter Single Guy thinks there are two things going on here: your partner cheated on you and you need some space to work on your personal issues. Let’s take those one at a time, shall we?

Staying together after infidelity: The BSG has to admit that he’s skeptical, but not completely without hope. The key question here is whether the thing that led to the infidelity is still true or not (your partner isn’t attracted to you, your partner is a serial cheater, you live far from each other and your partner has no impulse control, whatever). If the situation, perspective and feelings that led to the infidelity still exist, well then there seems to be a good chance it will happen again.

The BSG thinks that if you want to stay together after someone has cheated, you have to both REALLY want to be together and you have to be committed to moving past the Cheat. The Cheater has to be ready for some bitterness for awhile from the Cheatee and the Cheatee has to be ready to be forgiving. Again, not hopeless, but the BSG doesn’t know what the success rates are for situations like this (although he’d like to.)

Getting space to work on your stuff: The BSG doesn’t think that asking for space in your relationship to work on yourself is a bad thing. For the record, the BSG also thinks that people who don’t have the backbone to break up when it’s necessary will use this “temporary space” request as a way to pre-breakup with someone. Only you know if this is you, HOOC.

The thing about getting space to work on your depression, anger and insecurity is that both you and Charlie Cheater will spend time living your life without the other. This could very likely mean that you decide that you’re done with the relationship (or Charlie Cheater could come to that decision. A probably conclusion in the BSG’s mind, referring back to what led to the cheating in the first place).

The BSG thinks that if you need time to resolve the cheating issue alone, then it’s likely that you’re going to decide to be out of this relationship. Resolving a relationship issue by breaking up (that’s what “needing space” really is, right HOOC?) doesn’t give high hopes for reconciliation in the BSG’s mind. That said, do what you have to, HOOC. You wouldn’t be the first person who decided she (or he) couldn’t get past infidelity in a relationship even if everything else seems wonderful.

~BSG~

Dude, really?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: My wife and I got married at 18. We are 23 and 24 now. I have cheated on her. I don’t think my feelings for her are the same. I’m not attracted to her anymore. She is a great partner and the two of us could be very successful together. But I want to see other women. I’m so afraid of being single. I never really dated before I got married. What should I do? ~Remorseful But Horny~

Dear RBH: C’mon, are you kidding the Bitter Single Guy with this crap? Some years ago, the BSG found that he didn’t understand the adage that he couldn’t “have his cake and eat it, too”; so he investigated. Turns out our festive language has morphed enough that this phrase is better understood as wanting to “keep your cake and eat it, too.” RBH this is you. You’re looking for a way to keep your comfy relationship (with a woman who you’re not attracted to and don’t love anymore) while being able to date (and have sex with) other women.

The Bitter Single Guy has to ask again: Are you kidding with this crap? Cheating is a surefire way to diagnose a problem in your relationship (yes, that’s the BSG being sarcastic). Then, in the mathematics of love, when you add cheating, subtract love and subtract attraction it turns out that your relationship is over and you’re basically a douche bag for trying to figure out a way to stay married while still cheating.

Man up RBH. Seriously dude, man up and take full responsibility for yourself and your actions. Tell your wife that you’ve cheated and that you aren’t in love with her. Chances are she’ll dump your douche bag ass and you’ll be able to see other women which is what you want. And this crap about being afraid of being single? WTF, RBH? You’re clearly managing to get dates while you’re married so the BSG is sure that you’ll muddle through.

The BSG would love to tell you that 18 year-olds are fully able to make forever decisions, but of course that would be a lie. Chances are that as you and your wife evolved into the adults you’re meant to be, your teenage love faded as most teenage love does (and a good bit of adult love, too).

~Bitter Single Guy~

Cheating in His Mind

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’ve been dating a man since June 2008 and we have an intimate relationship as well.  Over the past few weeks he has been forgetting my name when talking about me to his and my friends and has been calling me by my best friend’s name (this even happened the last time we spent the night together — he uttered her name twice). 

This really bothers me but he keeps insisting that I’m making a mountain out of a mole hill.  My name is my identity.  I have spoken to a few other people (both men and women) about this and their immediate reaction is to dump him and never look back.  My best friend is absolutely devastated because she has never been interested in him.  My gut instinct is to dump him like my friends have told me.  What do you think? ~Seems Simple To Me~

Dear SSTM: The Bitter Single Guy understands why you’d bring this concern to him and not to the many other advice hacks out there.  Usually the BSG can be counted on to tell you to dump some poor slob simply for the lesson it will teach. The BSG is sure that you hear the “but” that’s coming, SSTM. 

The only reason the BSG would say that you should dump this Forgetful Fellow would be if you thought he was actually cheating (or hoping to) with your best friend. You seem confident that your best friend isn’t diddling your boyfriend behind your back, so then you need to determine whether he’s hoping to make his move soon, or if he is just (in a sad, pathetic sort of way) imagining being with her while he’s with you. That, SSTM, would just be tacky.

But (and there’s the “but”, SSTM) the BSG is concerned that you say that your name is your identity.  It turns out that your name isn’t your identity at all! With fewer pen strokes than it took you to write the BSG you could change your name. Good hell, with a qualified surgeon and some chemical support, you can change your gender!  Through any of these changes, or even through nothing more than a drastic change of wardrobe, your identity always remains securely intact SSTM.  You are you and no string of letters jotted on a birth certificate will change that.

If you’re considering dumping Forgetful Fellow just because he’s forgetful, the BSG thinks you’re over reacting. Otherwise, the BSG is reminded of a line from a classic Reba McEntire song: “He said ‘Have you ever cheated on me.’ And I said ‘Only in my mind.’” Thanks Reba. ~BSG~