
Wife is Having an Emotional Affair
Dear Bitter Single Guy: Hey man I have a serious problem here I could use a little advice…My wife and I have been married 4 years. We have had our good days and bad days but about a year ago it started getting stale. We fell into routine she works long hours we didn’t see each other much. I quit showing her the attention I did when we were dating and such and she quit showing me also. About 8 months ago she started talking to an old ex bf from about 10+ years. They never had sex - they weren’t together long at all. Said that she can talk to him about anything and that while I wasn’t showing her attention he did. He lives in a different state. They started out emails then texts then calls and now she talks to him daily sometimes many times a day. Says he’s her best friend.
I saw some texts she sent that were sexual I called her out on it and she said sorry she would never do it again it was wrong. She is always talking about meeting him in person he’s moving about 5 hours from us soon and she says she wants to meet him half way for lunch. Said she will take a friend to make me feel better and it will be all public and no staying the night. She SWEARS he’s just a friend yet I’ve seen them seriously flirting. I have tried to be calm about it told her I didn’t want her putting herself in that position but she swears it’s just best friends and she WILL NOT stop or even slow down talking to him.
She said he wants her to go see him and spend a couple days with him sleep in a different room and all that. I’m old school man, if it walks like a duck quacks like a duck chances are it’s a duck. She swears she doesn’t want to be with him he, hasn’t seen his own kids in 6 years and we have 4. He cheats on every girl he’s with she said she would never get with him. So being that she can’t end this friendship for the good of our marriage or even slow it down some do you think she’s setting me up to cheat? I have done wrong in the past one thing I have never done is cheated on her. Not so much as even a kiss couldn’t even imagine it. So is this just a fantasy that will pass or is she emotionally cheating on me seeking attention and I suppose romance outside of the marriage. Should I even bother trying anymore? When we are together and she doesn’t talk to him we are perfect…when I hear his name or she tells me he wants to meet her somewhere I explode….Been going on for nearly a year I can’t take it anymore. ~Looking for Ducks~
Dear LFD: The Bitter Single Guy thinks your analysis of walking and quacking is accurate here: you’ve got a duck on your hands, my friend.
The BSG doesn’t think that any relationship will meet all of our needs and thinks that friends are a great way to fill out those possibilities. However, the BSG thinks this is more about finding a friend who shares your love of chess if your partner doesn’t. For flirting and romantical stuff, the BSG thinks that should be the person with whom you’re in a romantical relationship.
Frankly LFD, the BSG was sold at the point that you discovered sexual content in her text messages to him. At that point, all bets are off in the BSG’s opinion. Unless your wife has other “friends” with whom she makes sexual remarks in text messages, the BSG suspects that this is exactly what it appears to be. The BSG believes that if she goes to visit for a day or two (and “sleeps on the couch”) there will be an accidental experience with too much to drink and one-thing-just-lead-to-another and it-didn’t-mean-anything and if-you’re-getting-upset-over-nothing-that’s-your-problem and then everyone’s in trouble.
But here’s the other problem. Do you really want to declare Martial Law in your marriage by telling your wife that she can’t go off and spend time with this man? The BSG doesn’t think so. Given that, here is the BSG’s advice: Tell your wife that you know that you haven’t been the best husband and that you are committed (if you are) to working with her on improving your relationship. Tell her also that you’re not going to get into the semantics of differences between a friend and an affair, but that respect for your feelings, if not downright tackiness, should prevent her from carrying on this emotional affair with this man.
In other words LFD, separate the emotional affair she’s involved in from the problems in your marriage. Use this two-pronged approach to either work with her on how you can both improve your relationship or determine how to end it gracefully before you find yourselves working through infidelity after the fact because that’s where this duck is heading. ~BSG~
Tags: emotional affair
