The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

The Trouble with Spaniards

Dear BSG: About a year and a half ago I spent roughly eight months in Spain and met a girl (who from now on I will call “the Spaniard”).
Our relationship went well for the first few months, but then one day this strange guy “popped up” by calling her while we were together at her place. You could tell something wasn’t right with the call and when I pressed her about it, she said that it was a friend of hers who she always thought had a bit of a crush on her but who she wasn’t interested in romantically. During the rest of the time that I spent in Spain, the guy never resurfaced so I dismissed the incident.
After I returned to the USA, the Spaniard and I kept in daily contact and she even came here to visit me several times. During one of her visits, I found a text message that my beloved Spaniard had sent to the same guy who had called her a long time ago when I was still in Spain. The text message said that she missed him and loved him and would talk with him as soon as she got back to Spain.
Realizing that the Spaniard had lied to me, I went nuts and shipped her back to Spain before she was scheduled to go back. Before she went back, however, she confessed to me that the guy had been her boyfriend since she was a teenager (the only one she had ever had) and she was trying to end things with him to be with me but he was making it hard for her and basically “stalking” her back in Spain. According to her, it was easier to play along with him than to put her foot down and break things off completely. I didn’t really buy the story and I felt as if, by hiding the guy, she had been lying to me since our relationship began… So, I told her she’d have to go back to Spain and forget about me.
It’s been over a year and I’m moving back to Spain for a job. A few days ago, the Spaniard got in touch with me (after a year of us not speaking at all). We chatted and then she kinda hinted that she is currently single. I didn’t really make any attempt to arrange a meet-up between the two of us for when I get back to Spain and didn’t act interested in her, but her suddenly contacting me has made me start to think about her once again…. Now I don’t know if I still have feelings for her or not.
I’d kinda like to meet with her once I get back in Spain just to see if I can get a truthful explanation out of her for what happened between us and then maybe gauge things and decide what to do from there. I heard from some mutual friends that she had a really hard time when she went back to Spain and “lost me” and really did finally break it off with the other guy. Could she have changed? Do I meet up with her again in Spain to try and judge things for myself or do I forget about it and leave things as they are? ~Single American in Spain~
Dear SAS: The Bitter Single Guy does think you should connect with The Spaniard, but he doesn’t think you should ask for a more detailed explanation of how your relationship ended. You already have the entire explanation. The Spaniard spent many years with a boyfriend with whom she was trying to separate when she met you. SAS you have to admit…it probably WAS easier for her to play along with the Spanish Stalker than to break things off completely. Relationships that begin in adolescence and drift into adult-hood often take on the feel of sibling relationships (as creepy as that sounds, the BSG stands by the comparison) and it’s often easier to manage expectations within the relationship, than by ending it.
You were undoubtedly part of her effort to separate further from the Spanish Stalker. Your reaction to her when she was in the US is completely understandable, as was your decision to ship her back to Spain (images of crates with air holes come to the BSG’s mind).
Apparently, back in Spain, she did what she had been avoiding and dumped the Spanish Stalker. The BSG doesn’t recommend that you read anything diabolical into her reluctance to tell you about the Spanish Stalker. If you had chemistry before, you probably will again. Overall the BSG thinks the Spaniard has been sufficiently punished for her transgression.

If It Looks Like Cheating and Smells Like Cheating…

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’ll keep it as simple as possible. Me and my gf have been together for about 7 years. We have a daughter together who happens to be disabled. She also has a son from a previous relationship. He’s a difficult child to deal with, but I’ve done a fair job at being there for him (she knows this and agrees). Trouble begins about a year ago when she brings her nephew, who due to disciplinary reasons got kicked out of his house a few months shy of 18, into our home against my wishes. This wasn’t pleasing as we barely make ends meet, and we didn’t need the extra burden of another problem child. Anyway long story short, she’s been talking to a guy online for a couple of months. No big deal as I trusted her. Well this morning I was trying to restore a cute pic of my daughter from my digital camera. There I found nude pics of her that she “claims” that she didn’t send him. Now I know that she didn’t actually go and sleep with him. Mainly I’m sure because he’s too far away, and she says she has too much to do here. However she admitted she has feelings for him, though they will never go anywhere. She’s also not willing to quit talking to him. So the way I see it is that by being a mostly decent guy and being 100% faithful and all that I’m getting jacked. So am I getting jacked and should I leave her? Thanks, A Bit Lost.

Dear ABL: The Bitter Single Guy totally gets why you’re feeling a bit jacked.  Your Deceptive Daffodil is apparently fine getting support (emotional and otherwise) from you while she’s exploring her options elsewhere.

Now first, the BSG should say that he totally gets the draw of the internet.  Pictures of lovelies who write dreamy profiles and seem so wonderful online? But the BSG knows, as many of his readers do, that’s it’s all smoke and mirrors and the decision to toss away a solid relationship because of a little online titillation is a doomed one.  So ABL, the point here is that the BSG understands how your Deceptive Daffodil could have been swayed and the BSG feels for her.

But (and many of you knew there would be a “but”), there’s some bullshit being served up here (yes, the BSG went to that profane place). If your gf has some nudie pics on the computer, even if she claimed she didn’t send them to THIS online bf, who did she take them for? Who HAS she sent them to? If they’re not for you ABL, they must be for someone else and yes…that’s some bullshit in the BSG’s opinion.

ABL, here’s the plan: You talk to Deceptive Daffodil and tell her that she’s cheating on you. If she has feelings for another guy who she refuses to lose contact with AND if she’s taking nudie pics of herself for ANY reason other than giving them to you, then she’s cheating on you.  Many couples have the 7 year-itch and (the magazines will tell you) that if the two of you get past this, you’ll be better for it, but you need to step up and avoid being the doormat that Deceptive Daffodil wants you to be. 

The BSG is also pretty certain that her wonderful online boyfriend would be less intrigued with her if HE was managing the day to day of a disabled child and a problem teenager (in this situation, you and your daughter are out of the picture). Have the tough confrontation and don’t let her talk her way out of it. She’s cheating on you.

Time for a Tune-Up

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I would start from the beggining, but I am afraid that would take too long to fit in an e-mail… it’s more like 34 pages.  So, I’ll give you the much abbreviated version.

I have been cheated on in every real relationship I have ever been in. To date that includes 5 different men (some more then once).  I have been held at gunpoint, molested, abused, and threatened. I feel like I am living a soap opera sometimes.  All of these men are entirely normal when I begin dating them, all of them had many friends, a steady job, and had a good family, all of them were very different from the last.  I am losing hope in love.  I just want someone who gives a damn, and I am beggining to wonder if it really exists, or if love is just something in fairy tales.  I’m not asking for perfection. I can’t help but think that I am the common denominator in all my failed relationships.  What the hell is going on? ~Losing Faith in Love~

Dear LFL: The Bitter Single Guy believes (as you suspect) that there are larger issues at play here. The BSG strongly recommends (in a totally non-humorous fashion) that you get some therapy.  Don’t buy into that crap about only crazy people getting counseling.  You tune up your car, don’t you? Based on your letter, particularly your experiences of abuse in these relationships, you are in need of a tune up and it’s unreasonable to expect that you’ll get it on your own…you probably don’t tune up your car yourself, do you? And what happens when a car needs a tune-up and doesn’t get one? Yes LFL…it breaks.

Do it today, LFL. There are Community Mental Health centers in most areas of the United States and many universities that offer counseling degrees will also have clinics that are quite affordable.  Do it today.

~BSG~

…And They Told Two Friends…

Dear Bitter Single Guy: A girl I know from work (but we are in seperate offices so I dont see her at work often) and I hooked up briefly. She had gotten out of a long relationship 3 months or so prior and got dumped. After dating me she then said she wasnt ready yet, but told me how much she liked me, the connection was awsome, all this stuff.. A few months later she is now seeing someone else and tells me despite how much she likes me yadda yadda something tells her she just cant be with me… what gives? – Left In The Cold

Dear LITC: The Bitter Single Guy doesn’t often hear from the other side of this equation, so he’s pleased you wrote! Typically the BSG hears from the folks who are just out of a relationship and are not sure how to re-enter the dating world (especially given how nurturning, affirming and fun the dating world can be).

Short answer LITC, you were a rebound.  If your Lost Lily was dumped in her previous relationship, she probably needed (unknowingly) to reclaim control over her love life by choosing not to be with someone that she could be with if she wanted…that’s a delicate way to say ‘dump’.  She was dumped, she needed to dump someone else in order to move on.

So you see LITC, she’s right…it wouldn’t work out with you because she would have never re-claimed her personal control. Don’t fret, though…you can always date someone who likes you then dump her as a way to reclaim your own dignity and self-control.  And the cycle continues….

Stop Me Before I Sin Again

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Okay so I have a history of cheating. I’m still pretty young but I really need to stop this before I get into a serious relationship, you know? I mean cheating is NOT a good trait to carry. Can you help me out? — Can’t Help Myself

Dear CHM: Bravo!  The Bitter Single Guy is so pleased to hear that his readers are working to resolve their own tacky behavior quirks without the need for restraining orders and without leaving a trail of angry ex’s in their wake. Of course, the BSG has no idea whether or not these are true for you, CHM…you may have worked your way through every potential partner and cheated on them all, so are reaching out to the BSG on your move across country to meet folks who don’t know about your cheatin’ ways.  Either way, the BSG applauds you for getting help.

This one, believe it or not CMH, is easy.  Cheating happens because you decide that maybe you’re missing something, that maybe the grass is greener on the other side of the white picket fence, that somehow someone has something BETTER than you do. Sound familiar? There are readers right now recalling this behavior from childhood and adolescence, and some of these folks (probably you, CHM) can’t seem to leave this behavior behind along with the maladaptive fashion choices of adolescence (droopy jeans? Really?). The BSG doesn’t mind telling you that he has been this guy on at least one occasion.  OK, maybe two.

CMH, although it’s easy to identify the roots of cheating and call it what it is. It’s less easy to figure out what to do about it.  But let’s refine the issue here, shall we? Cheating is only cheating if you have a commitment to someone. The BSG is acquainted with folks who have chosen a lifetime (so far) of casual dating and weekend one-nighters over a commitment because they just want more variety than in your average committed relationship.  While this seems mildly titillating to some, it’s the BSG’s belief that it’s not really a healthy life-long choice (if for no other reason than that as one ages, this is quite frankly a tiring lifestyle).

So CMH, the easy answer is stop committing to relationships until you’re ready to see someone who seems cuter, sexier, funnier, richer, or more attractively mysterious than your current relationship; and then ignore that person (and their potential flirtatious ways) in favor of your relationship.

In the absence of that, and this is the obvious part to the BSG (now), but not the easy part: break up before you cheat. It’s only slightly less tacky, but it IS the right way to go about making the switch.